Entry 49: Eleven Months

Looking back at my one line a day journal from a year ago is ridiculously tough. It was the beginning of the end. I can see my fear and pain and frustration in just those few lines jotted daily. I cannot

believe 11 months have passed. I know I say it every month, but it is so true. How can he not be here for that long?!  What is amazing is that with little intentional effort on my part, he is here with us everyday!  Every time Harper hears Olaf's voice in a song, she says, "That reminds me of Daddy."  So the money spent on ridiculous XXL Olaf shirts from Kohls was worth it because she remembers all on her own.  Daddy went nuts over anything she even showed a little interest in. So when she liked Frozen, it is like it threw up all over our house because he always came home with surprises. I love that these memories are 100% hers and she brings them up all on her own. She truly is an incredible gift. I felt a longing to go visit his grave this week. I told Harper on the way to the gym that afterwards I would like to go see him. You know what she says? She points to the ground and says,
"Daddy is there...and there....and there!" I said, "Really?" She says, "No, but wouldn't it be cool if he had a button in his box so he could zoom around and always be with us? That would be cool."  I mean seriously?!??!?!? Her brain is amazing and her heart is even more incredible.


Also I know I always say this every month too, but I am continuously overwhelmed but the kindness of others. I already shared it on Instagram but I am sharing it here too. I have not talked to my sorority sister in over 10 years, but I do keep up with her life on Facebook and vice versa. The most incredible gift arrived in the mail yesterday. Here is what the card said, "Last year I lived in Madagascar and worked at a children's home for over 140 abandoned kiddos.  When I read online about your family, we as a small group started praying for you, Brian and Harper. Let me tell you, these little Malagasy girls know how to pray.  They would weekly ask for updates. When I told them Brian has passed away, they wanted to keep praying for you and Harper. Each one of them knows what it looks like to lose a father, it may look different for every girl, but they  One thing I loved most,

know the pain. The doll is a traditional little girl doll for Madagascar. My small group wanted Harper to have it. I have a picture I will send you of all of them surrounding and laying hands on it. Their praters were that your daughter would feel the comfort of the Heavenly Father every time she missed her Dad."
other than the complete and utter impact of these children caring so much about our lives from halfway around the world, is the tenderness in which Harper hugged the doll. If you know Harper's hugs, you know they involved gritted teeth and force. So to see her gently handle the doll as I explained the story was touching. She also lined it right up with her nativity scene and demanded I take a picture.

When I talk about kindness never ceasing I truly mean it. Even though no one has fessed up to leaving the gift, Harper would prefer to open her 12 days of Christmas bag containing a piece of the Christmas story than open her Disney calendar countdown that contains a toy.  Mary, Joseph, and the shepherd are often galavanting around the doll house traveling on the back of Dumbo as she sings, "This is the way to Bethlehem" which is song she had to have learned at school.


Packages and mail arrive daily. Keeping up with the thank you notes that I so strongly want to write in order to convey how happy the kindness makes my heart gets added to my to do list. I want to make sure people know how much it means to me even if it takes a while for me to actually check it off my list. A friend of mine shared this article with me, https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz and it rings so true! But my situation is different. It says many people show up for the grieving person but then after the funeral fade away.  In my case it just isn't true. The kindness and support from everyone, my closest friends to people who didn't even know Brian, continues to pour in. I love the parts that says, "We all carry the grief as bravely and completely as we can in public, but none of us are strong

enough to shoulder it alone. People often say of a grieving person, 'They're so strong', but they're not. They're doing what they have to in order to survive. They need you to come along side of them."I may be perceived as strong, however there are constantly people alongside me who are stronger and are holding me up.

This season is hard. One because it was Brian's favorite. Two because it is probably the biggest first without him. Three because I feel like I am not the same Karen.  I feel like the water is at nose level and every once in a while I peep my lips above the water to get a breath. I am not drowning in grief, it's more that I want to be as good as I was before. I want to have it all together. I like to get things done early and do them well.  I like to be on top of it. Although it may still seem that was on the outside, I feel like I am barely keeping up. I know I need to pump the brakes on the social scene but that's also what brings me joy. I know there is something here about balance and my friend Jen suggested a book that I should've probably purchased when she told me about it.  Still need to get that. Must be on a list somewhere. This season is also hard because it is joyous. I mean our baby is in love with Jesus, with very little teaching on my part. What more could I ask for?

But this time is tough. It's tough to remember last year wondering if it was going to be the last and at the same time grasping onto the fact that this is the first without. He would be totally in love with Harper and her antics. He would love to see her face Christmas morning. He would enjoy this. And I would be enjoying it right along side him.

So all this to say, holy crap! 11 months! Seriously? And to also say, thank you. Thank you for being there....still. I know I have said it before but when we first got cancer and people wanted to do kind things, I would tell them to wait until we really needed it. No one waited. I remember thinking, this is going to wear off. It won't be new anymore and people will unintentionally not be thinking about it. Or will be sick of the saga. This NEVER happened. And although in many cases, people feel this way after losing someone, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have not been abandoned and have no fear of being forgotten about. Thank you for being there right alongside me as I tread water in this season. I love you all....well except Victor.

Entry 48: All the Feels

I've had so many random thoughts lately so this blog will in no way be cohesive or profound.  But here's my heart/brain for you:

1. Two weeks leading up to my birthday I was struggling.  I had no plans on the calendar and it was weird. Brian and I always treated birthdays like a big deal so other than his birthday, which I always planned and did again this year, Valentine's Day, Halloween, etc weren't too incredibly hard this year. But when you have no plans for your own birthday weekend and the person who normally coordinates them isn't here, ahhhh. What do you do? This is most definitely me having a pity party! But have no fear all of my people took care of me and went above and beyond! Homemade cookie
cake, a party which was a relaxing night to chat, Catch Phrase, the birthday fairy breaking in and decorating, breakfast cooked in my own home, gingerbread house making, bestie time, and Carols by Candlelight at church equals one of the best birthdays. Best of all friends wrote sweet cards. The kind that make you cry and give you kind of a big head. But truly they touched me so much. I am so blessed to have my family, my friends, my lightning squad, and my new gym crew. How does someone get blessed with so many villages and communities that surround them with love?!?! Seriously? How did I get so lucky? I just think of how blessed Harper is to know so much love.

2. Speaking of feeling loved, look at my most used word on Facebook this year.

Look at the most prominent words other than Harper's hashtag: brian, harper, thankful. SO SO SO true! If that doesn't sum me up here are the other ones that stand out to me: love, friend, memories, happy, time. Yes! Yes! Yes! All the things I love. Even though my heart hurts at times and I miss Brian, I am so happy with the time friends pour into making new memories with us that make us feel so loved.

3. Today was the annual Employee Recognition program at school. This is where we recognize the teacher of the year. Several years ago, they started making amusing videos to go with the program. And some crazy soul let Brian host it! He was also so proud of his clever ideas for the skits. We all know Brian loved attention and was always "on" but in these shows he was turned up the millionth degree. Today as part of the program, they played clips from previous years. Now I can look at pictures all day long, but a video. GAH! It hits me like big time. In these videos he was hamming it up. He was hysterical, ridiculous and larger than life. So as I sat in an auditorium full of others who knew Brian and some who didn't, I laughed through tears that I couldn't get under control. I cried a lot. Seeing him so real, so healthy, so joyful. I remember the times he would film and it would be a secret and he would come home bursting with pride about how clever he thought he was. There was even a scene of the former school president, Danny Hutto, sitting on the couch in our old house. I seriously had all the feels. When I left to go pick up Harps from school, I just kept thinking about it.  I even told her all about them. I think videos of him so alive, so healthy, so fat! Ha! His facial expressions, his ridiculous acting voice, his antics. I MISS HIM! I mean I miss him something fierce. There is just no one like him.  I am so so so thankful they showed those videos today. My heart needs to miss him. It's so easy to remember him sick and skinny, but it was so great to see him as the Brian I know and the Brian I fell in love with. I will post the videos for you all to enjoy when I get them.  My heart hurts tonight but I am sitting here with his mom, Sally, who knew him the longest, talking about him and everything else too. That feels right.

I am thankful for this life. I am most thankful for the people in this life. Thankful for the people who make these hard times easier. The people who miss him right along with me. The people who never knew him but support me and listen like it is the most important thing they do that day. I know Christmas will be tough. I mean sending a Christmas card without him on it feels wrong. But I have the greatest gift, Harper, an everyday reminder of Brian's love and ridiculousness. I also have the love of this village. My people. 

Entry 47: Ten Months

Really this blog should be titled "A Lesson in Slowing Down". Today marks 10 months since losing Brian and it is almost unbelievable that it has been that long. So much has happened.

I already wrote about losing Fletcher. In every sad event I try to look for the lesson. With Brian passing, we have learned so much. How to love others, the kindness of friends, family and strangers, and just how important life is. These are just a  few of the lessons taken away from that. But honestly there are a million and I know in my heart of hearts there was a bigger purpose for his passing. I am still really struggling to find the purpose in Fletcher's death. Life has gotten a little easier because Macy and Bella are so chill and easy going, but man do I miss Fletcher's awesome snuggles and fluffy ears. In the beginning I was really mad because his loss was so purposeless. I still have yet to find the new lesson but I am way less angry.

Last Sunday, after a great day at Disney with my mom and dad, I drove home ready to start a new week. 20 minutes from home, I crashed my car on 95. I am not giving too many details, not because I don't share the bad, but because it isn't smart for insurance purposes to put it all out here. As I pulled over and called 911, I was shaking. When I hung up a sweet voice from the backseat said, "Mommy, what did they say?"  Harper, myself, and the other driver were completely fine. I was shaken, but fine. The deputy who came to help was beyond kind and helpful.  Tori came to pick me up, my parents drove up to help out, and I have awesome insurance that provided a rental car. Now with this accident, I see the lesson. I need to SLOW DOWN. This is super hard for me. Everyone knows I keep my schedule insanely full. I like it that way. Brian and I were busy but I have taken it to a whole new level. It normally makes me feel fulfilled. The Friday before my wreck, I stayed in because Harper was sick. It was the longest stint I had been at home in a long time. When I laid in bed at night, I cried. A loneliness enveloped my body. It is a different kind of lonely...a kind that feels permanent. The next day was the amazing Cancer Smash event at the gym that gave me all sorts of feels. Afterwards we laid low with the neighbors. That night, although I was surrounded by people all day, the same kind of loneliness hit. I am searching for fulfillment that I think only Brian can provide. So it's tough. Although I was not on my phone during the time of the accident, I have been known to use my phone while driving. The phone has become a space filler for me since Brian passed. It is an addiction that I am not excited about and would like to limit. It's a goal for me.This bring us back to the lesson from this crash is big. It is to SLOW DOWN and be present. It doesn't mean I won't use my phone, but definitely not in the car and definitely WAY less than I do currently. I know it won't happen over night.  I also  know pushing pause will have me face to face with the hard feelings even more than I already am. I know that is part of the healing but it isn't easy and it is super hard to schedule grief knowing how it will make me feel.

Now we can't end with sad and hard so let's talk about our magical trip.  The accident messed up my plans to drive to North Carolina to have an early Thanksgiving with all of Brian's cousins and his Aunt.  I was supposed to drive but no longer wanted to do the 7 hour journey alone with just Harps. As I sent the sad text letting them know we wouldn't be able to make it, Debbie and Beff did the nicest thing ever, they bought us plane tickets.  To say the trip was magical is an understatement. First, there was FALL. I mean yellow leaves, gorgeous weather, and trees with changing colors.

There was family. Harper doesn't even need a second before she is asking Debbie for snacks or pulling Beff's hand to come play. There is family and nice nightly chats. There are animals! Dogs, chickens and a horse! There was a big family gathering with stuffing and the most delicious pecan pie. Harper lit up when seeing her cousins. I love traveling with her because I get to see just how good she is.  I have all of this love in my life because of Brian. This is Brian's family but what is most awesome is that it is my family too. A place where Harper and I are insanely spoiled, we feel completely comfortable and we get to do new things like ride a four-wheeler, a first for both Harper and myself. Vacations are the best because they force me to slow down. There is no to-do list and I didn't even have a car. We spent hours outside running hills and enjoying fall. It was magical.

So as I practice slowing down, I know it won't be easy. I know I am going to face all the ugliness of grief. I also know I won't be perfect. I am so thankful that no one was hurt in the accident, that my car is repairable and that I still got to go on my trip. There is so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Even though my favorite turkey won't be here with us, he has provided so many things I am thankful for, especially Harper.

Entry 46: Award of Excellence

Today I had a very special honor. The Florida Educators of the Deaf and Hard or Hearing board decided to rename their annual teacher of the year award to the Brian Newton Award of Excellence in Education of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. And this year, they presented the award to Brian through me.



Raise your hand if Brian has ever called you the wrong name? Raise your hand if Brian has ever shoved a microphone in your face during a presentation?  Raise your hand if any embarrassing pictures of you have showed up in one of his presentations? This is how his boss, Carm, started her speech about Brian. Brian's job had him traveling the state meeting with different teachers from all over and often presenting. He always showed ridiculous pictures of me especially if he knew I was going to be in the audience. Carm showed these and pictures he would use of Harper.  I was prepared to see ridiculous example pictures of me, but when Carm projected pictures of Fletcher, I was caught off guard.  Carm's speech highlighted "Work Brian". I would say professional Brian but we all know he always danced on the line of professionalism. She called him the tension breaker and sometimes the tension maker. Most of all she pointed out his ability to make each and every person feel special and the joy he got from doing so.

Let's rewind 20 minutes. I was sitting at the conference table waiting for it to all start. I read through the brochure and saw the amazing tribute they paid to Brian in the back. The booklet was packed full of lightning bolts and at the end had the reason they named the conference "Lighting Up the Field of Deaf Education."  A woman came and sat down next to me. When she got to that page she said aloud, I didn't know Brian died. And I looked at her and said, "That's my husband." She was surprised and gave me a hug. Then she explained how she had lost her husband suddenly and then was diagnosed with cancer. She went on to explain how Brian comforted her during this time. I am not surprised Brian was supportive, but what I love most about this story is the fact that I don't even know all the lives Brian has impacted. I am not going to lie. In the beginning when Brian and I started dating, it was super hard for me that he made EVERYONE feel special. I mean isn't your girlfriend supposed to be the most special. This quality that caused discussions and jealousy took a little bit of getting used to, but once I realized it's what made Brian so remarkable, it's one of my most loved things about being in a relationship with Brian. I know I've mentioned it before, but Brian got amazing service from the medical profession, partly because we went to an awesome practice, but also because he made a point to interact with each and every single person. It did not matter if you were the chief of staff at Memorial Sloan Kettering, the top brain surgeon at UF, or the cleaning person at Baptist South, you all got the same treatment. That's a gift and he used it everywhere.

Carm's speech couldn't have been more perfect. I gladly accepted the award on Brian's behalf. I am sure he would have a ton to say about the fact that he won Teacher of the Year in his third year teaching and has now won it again before I ever have. It was such an honor and I love to know that from here on out there will be a recipient of the Brian Newton Award of Excellence every year!

Driving home I am not going to lie, I bawled. Probably the biggest cry I have done in a while.  There were just so many emotions. While scanning radio stations "It Is Well with My Soul" happened to be on. This song is special to me. It is the song I blared in Hospice minutes after Brian died. I bawled some more. Then if these emotions weren't enough, the vet called to tell me Fletcher's remains were ready to be picked up. Well CRAP!  When deciding to get Fletcher cremated, it just made sense so I didn't have to deal with his body because come on! That is definitely a dad job.  But now that I have to pick up his remains, AHHHHH! First of all, I can't show Harper the special box because she is way too smart and would wonder how he fit inside and cremation is not something I would love to explain to my three year old. Also it felt terrible carrying our dog out of the vet that way. I want to carry the real him. So after a few more tears shed, I found a good hiding spot in the house until I take him to Brian at the grave.

Although filled with many tears, overall the day was beautiful. Again how amazing to have a man that was so loved by so many that he gets to be recognized in such a way. How amazing that he had such a big personality that there is no way to meet him and not know him!  I miss him. Something
fierce. Like the kind of miss that when you are driving over the Bridge of Lions after dropping Harper off two days ago and you see a young college couple holding hands, you cry unexpectedly. I want to hold his hand. I want him to receive this award and then insult the ones who gave it to him. I want to attend the conference with him where he is excited to introduce me to every woman he flirts with regularly.  I miss the companionship, the laughter, the unexpected and the physical contact. I miss that man!

Thank you FEDHH and thank you Carm for such an amazing tribute to an amazing person even if he was stubborn ;)

Entry 45: Nine Months

During the entire cancer experience I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of why me. Neither was Brian which was remarkable. I know it would be easy to say why us? We just fell in love and had the love of our life. Why me? We truly never felt that. And for some reason it almost felt like there was a purpose of some sort in all of the craziness.

Well yesterday was Brian and my 5 year wedding anniversary and the first wedding anniversary that he wasn't here to celebrate with me. Leading up I wasn't too upset about the day coming up. My emotions have been pretty level. I had a great night the night before with a fantastic group of new friends who really make me feel loved and cared for instantly. Brian and I never did anniversaries big. We celebrated with small gifts but Brian surprised me randomly all year long to celebrate our love. It was one of my favorite parts about him. He was the best at random, unexpected surprises. And he got so much joy from surprising me. He also LOVED to surprise Harper. She could mention a character or show she liked and immediately he'd come home from work with Daniel Tiger figures for her to play with. We were spoiled regularly and randomly. So the anniversary wasn't dreaded.
Day of, as I was reflecting a little and washing dishes I won't lie, I thought to myself if a friend of mine loses a loved one I am sending surprises on their anniversary cause that would be fun. The next thing I know Tori walks in with a bouquet of flowers. I mean as I'm scrubbing the dishes she walks in with them. Amazing! Then the day took a terrible turn. The dogs were out back which is totally normal and we some friends came over so we did a dog inventory just in case because I never remember who I let in and out and when. There are THREE of them for goodness sakes. Well we search the backyard and Bella is on the opposite side of the fence, Macy is in the yard and Fletcher is no where to be found. We search for hours along with all the kids in the neighborhood. Fletch is nowhere. He is what I like to call super lost.

It has been almost 36 hours and there hasn't been a single sighting of that dog, Brian's dog. He had a seizure earlier this week which landed us at the emergency vet. Bloodwork all came back normal and he was acting fine later but now this has me worried. Seriously, on our anniversary, HIS dog has to go missing. Now I am SCREAMING WHY ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve. To show me to kindness of others. I get it! I have been experiencing the insane kindness of others for 4 years now. Don't get me wrong, I feel insanely grateful for the people who are thinking and acting as I sit here paralyzed by sadness, worry and fear. I am thankful for my neighbors who happen to be police officers who take me cruising in their golf cart at night on every trail and in every part of the community to look for him with their police flashlights. The family with the newborn baby who made flyers and drove them over, picked us up, then posted them all while the only thing I did was hand them pieces of tape.  My best friend in Colorado using her Humane Society experience to contact all the right people and post in all the right places. I am insanely thankful and awed by the complete and utter stranger who lives in the neighborhood and used to work for a lost dog finding group in Pennsylvania who saw the info. on Facebook, is an owner of three dachshunds herself, and reached out and came to set up motion detected cameras that send emails within two minutes of motion detected. I mean seriously, you couldn't even make this stuff up if you tried to come up with ways to show kindness. But don't I get a break from needing it??  Why me?

This is an insanely large pity party post and I hate that too. But it's real and it's how I feel today on this day, nine months after losing the love of my life. Fletcher is a knucklehead and is always up to something but this is not like him. I hope to God he is milking some sweet family for all the treats until shelters open up tomorrow. But it be a complete lie if I didn't say I have a really bad feeling about this. To lose this dog in this way would be absolutely heart wrenching.

How do you just try to do normal things while your dog is lost? What do you do with the one food bowl that doesn't need food at dinner time? Why isn't someone asking me to play every two minutes? IT IS THE WORST. I have never felt so hopeless and that's saying a lot considering the situations I have been in over the last 4 years.

I appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered help. I have turned so many people down because I don't know what else there is to do. So you can scream right along with me, WHY HER?

I hope I get to look back one day while holding him and  say remember that time Fletch got away on that first wedding anniversary without Brian. Because if not who could honestly imagine losing your husband on your child's birthday then losing your (his) dog on your wedding anniversary. That would literally be too much.

I can't end so negatively, the one positive that is both sad and happy is that Harper is handling this exceptionally well. She is not distraught or beside herself. She says, "He's not going to be our puppy anymore" in a very matter of fact voice. Or she repeats what another kid says and says, "He's a really good hider." But her resiliency shines through and she is super amazing.

Entry 44: Like a Bruise

I have been thinking about this a lot lately when thinking about how to describe my grief. It feels like someone has a constant hand holding my heart. You know how sometimes when you touch a bruise it hurts but feels kind of good at the same time.  Sometimes a memory or a thought or an action squeezes my heart lightly and it is that good kind of pain. The good of having the love that was so good and the hurt that it is gone. It could be a sweet picture on TimeHop that gives my heart a little squeeze. Or it could be a hilarious Disney memory that Brian was part of. A friend reaching out to share a dream they had about Brian, naming your trivia team for name that Disney tune at the pool Bolts then winning, or the fact that getting grief cards have become a "new normal".  Whatever it is, the little squeeze reminds me of him, makes me smile or even tear up but leaves me feeling that touch a bruise, good kind of hurt.

There are other times where I feel that hand holding my heart just squeezes the heck out of it. Like one of those stress balls with the eyes that pop out when you squeeze it. It is like when you repeatedly bump your bruise into the same corner of the bed. It hurts like hell.  This happens unexpectedly too. For example, last week Harper says, "Mommy I need a new Daddy." GAH! Just rip my heart out why don't ya?!  I talked it out with her. In her amazing three-year-old logic, she said, "I don't have a daddy because he died so I need a new one."  This makes perfect sense to her. When a toy breaks, I always say, "It's okay, we will get a new one." When a cherished cookie is stolen by a dog, "It's okay, we will get a new one."  As I cried in the front seat. she continued to tell me about needing a new Daddy, and my heart hurt. The bad kind. The bang you shin into something super hard kind of hurt. I told her that she has an amazing daddy that loves her more than anything and I would like to keep him forever in my heart. To which she replied, "No! I will keep Daddy in my heart, you keep the new Daddy in your heart." Ha! With time to reflect, as I tucked her in, I was able to remind her of all the men in her life who love her like a Daddy. What a lucky girl to have so many "uncles" that truly show her love.

The joke at the end was.. "The opposite is Karen."

These tight squeezes of the heart come very unexpectedly. Today I pull up my vocabulary word of the day in my last period class.  Every vocabulary word has a video of me signing the meaning. I pulled up today's word and there was Brian. I filmed these words last year and have forgotten that he came in my room while I was making them and made a cameo in which he insulted me.  Seeing a picture of Brian gives me that good hurt, light squeeze. But when I hear him talk or see him sign in a video, it's tough. I miss him so much. So as my students learned their new word, and I jokingly called him a jerk for the insult, I couldn't help but tear up. One student said, "Are you crying?" And another says, "Shhh! Don't talk about it!"  How cool that I get to share Brian with them. He still gets to make me laugh in the middle of my school day. But man oh man the missing is tough!

Other good squeezes: My dad wearing Brian's yard hat to do yard work. My bestie, Dani, staying over to hang out and talk grief because we can and it feels bad/good even if it is a school night.  Happy memories of good vacations.
Getting a box of chocolates on my last cheat day, shaped like bolts.  TimeHop pictures that make me smile. Harper calling pictures of her and her Daddy adorable.  Harper being a creep and making crazy facial expressions just like him. Seeing a random lightning bolt on the bottom of the parade actor's costume even though no one else had one. Another friend wearing a shirt at a conference because last time she was there Brian made fun of her for it. A crazy ass dog named Fletcher who does ridiculous things to remind me that Brian raised him.  A fellow widow (ew! that word) at church reaching out to talk and support me.

So although some squeezes are more painful than others, I am thankful that my heart feels supported like it is being constantly held. And although I sometimes touch that bruise purposely, it is the unexpected jabs that get me to most. I am super thankful for a man that is this hard to miss. I am thankful that with his death, I have learned to cherish my time with those I love even more.

Entry 43: My Person

So I have been feeling really weird lately. Although I am busy and surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very disconnected from everyone. It is a very strange and lonely feeling. How can I be with people constantly and still feel alone???

When talking with my grief counselor on Thursday about it she made me feel less like a crazy person and simply said, "Brian was your best friend. You miss your person."

YES! This is it.  I know I miss Brian. I miss him all the time. Harper even said this week, "I miss Daddy super much!" Yes! Yes! Yes! But it is more than that. I miss MY person. I am a sharer and most of my friends know the details of my life, however there are really tiny things you want to share with your person. Whether it be something egotistical like look how good my back looks in these wedding pictures or a high five because in a matter of days the new methods for bedtime has been amazing for both yourself and Harper and it is a huge success. Brian was so amazing at being my person. He picked on all the annoying parts of my personality but secretly loved me for them. He cared and built me up constantly. He texted me even if it was to make fun of me or be mad at me. I miss simply sitting on Sundays watching football, doing basic chores, and trying not to nap during the Skins game so that a picture me sleeping with my mouth open didn't end up on Facebook.  He would grocery shop for me because it isn't my favorite chore.  He also drove me absolutely crazy with his stubbornness. But I miss it. I miss it all. When I see other couples instead of it making me sad it makes me insanely happy. I love that people get to experience having a person. It makes me remember how ridiculously well Brian and I fit. He will always be my person, I just wish he was here to do it. And that's the truth. I am a glutton for punishment and looked back on Hospice pictures. He still made me feel wanted in the final days telling me, "I don't like it when you leave (the room)." What I wouldn't give to be back there interpreting his signs, catching the random objects he threw and loving on him.

Our last selfie

My counselor also made this comparison.  After Brian's death my life is like someone played 52 card pick up. They threw the whole deck in the air and instead of trying to organize it by suit, I am just trying to figure out which cards are black and which ones are red.  I don't know where everything fits and she says my feelings of disconnect are just me trying to piece it all back together.

I don't really know my point except to say if you're lucky enough to have your person hug them a little tighter. Be thankful for them even if they are on your last nerve. And as I slowly pick up these stupid mixed up cards I need to be patient with myself. It is just frustrating because Brian taught me the importance of relationships and investing in people whether it be your regular grocery store worker, a best friend, or a coworker. He was the best at it and I want to be more like him.

Entry 42: Eight Months

As I was riding in the car with my besties yesterday on the way to the incredible Hiss Golden Messenger and Mumford & Sons show, a song came on, and I said this reminds me so much of Brian. My friend said, I'm sorry I will turn it off.  I was like NO WAY! Obviously my best friend was trying to be empathetic and kind by turning it off, but it made me realize how much I LOVE and appreciate being reminded of Brian.

Today marks 8 months. It still feel unimaginable that he was here and now he isn't. Yet, all the time I am reminded on him.  I love TimeHop and that fact that I take a million pictures. I love that daily I can see his face and a picture of a little moment that wasn't significant but now means so much. I am also thankful for my line a day journal that has all the minor details written down for the past 6 years. We rejoiced last year around this time because scans looked stable.

Tori stayed with us during the hurricane and she was looking at her TimeHop and from the backseat Harper yelled, "Hey! That's my Daddy!"  I just love the excitement and joy she shines when talking about him.  Today when I picked her up from school, her teacher pulled me aside and said that she had something to tell me. She said that she was discussing something and without thinking asked Harper about her Mommy and Daddy to which Harper replied something blunt and innocent like"My Daddy is dead". Just like my friend in the car, I told her teacher to please not feel bad. This is part of Harper's life. She will forever experience having to talk about her daddy even though he isn't living anymore. But it's also great because she will get those reminders too. She will get chances to say my Daddy is dead but he always made funny faces....or whatever other memory she likes to share.

The craziest part of today was sitting with Mom and Harper at Cracker Barrel and looking up and realizing at the table behind us was one of his Hospice nurses. Although that time was insanely difficult and I can remember details like it was yesterday, I couldn't recall this woman's name, but I was insanely thankful of the reminder of the amazing care, the peace that filled that room for so many days, and the sign that even if I am not trying I will always think about Brian.

Every time I see a roach I am reminded. Anything related to football and I am reminded.  Stories from the people who knew him the most and I am reminded. Harper's crazy antics when trying to avoid bed and all I can see his him, I am reminded. Harper yells randomly...A LIGHTNING BOLT FOR MY DADDY and I look over at a random scooter parked at the gym and I am reminded.

So at 8 months, my grief seems back under control. We are all settled into the new house. And most of all, I am thankful for the times I get to say...oh that reminds me of him.

Entry 41: Happy Birthday

 As I walked down stairs this morning there was a half dead cockroach on his back in the kitchen. As in the middle of thinking...ugh! Why do I have roaches....I started laughing! If you remember from a previous blog Brian always sent dead roaches as a delivery to my classroom with students when we both taught in the middle school. I was not the only receiver of roaches. Others were blessed with these special gifts. So on the day of his birth, it is only appropriate that a roach gave me a reminder of my silly husband.

And although it feels like crazytown right now and the hurricane has made my "singleness" very apparent when I am the sole person making very important decisions for my family, I am happy to celebrate Brian today.   I read this great article that was circulating recently on grief [https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/12245-grief-isn-t-something-to-get-over?utm_source=Arianna&utm_medium=Facebook].  I love how it makes me feel about my grief. I remember vividly one night as Pastor Larry was leaving Hospice he said to me, "You will never get over this, but you will get through it." He is so right.  The article says, "One of the reasons that grief happens to be triggered by external reminders, such as in anniversary reactions, is because grief is an emotion that sends a vague alert to help you to remember, rather than to forget." Yes! This! This is why I celebrate Brian today. I don't want to forget. I want to always remember his wildly inappropriate, fun, loving, generous, hilarious soul. I don't ever want to get over him.

The day started with waking up and crying happy tears reading others happy birthday posts to Brian. Next, Harper went to her room to get dressed. This is a common occurrence and she normally comes out with the craziest of outfits. Not today! She came out wearing a bolt shirt and matching pants. A birthday miracle!  After breakfast and hurricane prep with the fram, I got a gift on Brian's birthday! My talented friend Trey brought over tables that he handcrafted for our family room. I love that I will be able to look at the tables and remember they were given to us on Brian's birthday. Also both Trey and Suzy showed up in lightning bolt shirts.
Then after a great counseling session, we all met at Brian's grave for cupcakes and singing of the happy birthday song, followed by pizza at our house.  It was such a great way to smile and celebrate our man, Brian surrounded by people who love him.  It was also an incredible to get texts and love from new friends that never knew Brian but say things like, "I didn't know him, but I am sad that I didn't! I feel like I missed out majorly." How amazing is that to have new friends in our lives that send that kind of love.

So although I feel in a pretty stable place today emotionally on an anniversary, I know I am nowhere near out of the waters of grief.  As my friend Sarah shared with me from this article,  [https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever]:

"You can see them (the waves of grief) coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves."

 

 So I'll ride the wave where it takes me.

Entry 40: Ugly and Real

{I feel like I need to say it again...this blog is not to get pity or attention. I just need to get these feelings out and this is how I do it.}

So after Brian died, I thought I knew what grief was. If you were to have asked me, I would've told you that I was experiencing it daily. Although it was heart wrenching, it was manageable. When I rationalized "how well I was doing" I thought it was because Brian and I did a lot of mourning of the life we thought we knew when we found out he had cancer. We had many gut wrenching talks late night in bed where we sobbed and mourned for what may be or for the unknown future. So my grief after the fact was doable. I missed him tons but I could function and dare I say even be happy.

I was WRONG! Grief is terrible. If you know me you know I like to be happy 99% of the time.  When I get in a "funk" I like it to be short lived and gone before it can even be remembered. Unfortunately, I've been in a month long funk. I am sad. I am anxious for no apparent reason. I am lonely. And it sucks.  Don't worry, I still see my counselor. As she said, "Welcome to grief."  I want to kick my legs and say, "I don't wanna! I want to avoid these feelings!" Not because I don't want to miss Brian, I was doing plenty of that already. I just don't like the constant weight on my chest. Or the sudden tears that come from nowhere when someone asks me how I am doing. I feel like a liar when I say I'm good.

I am normally the type of person that looks forward to the next big thing on the horizon, and this summer I put lots of things up there. The lake, trips, family reunion, selling a house, etc.  I think moving into the new house and my friend Kate's wedding were the last two big chunks up there. Now  the horizon is clear, and  I am in the "new normal". I think that may be where this is all stemming from. Who knows!

I've also never been one to beat myself up for long or really think negatively about myself. Duh! Because clearly I think I am awesome. But lately I am in bed a night critiquing my parenting skills. Wishing I did better with certain interactions. I dislike this very much. It's not me.

I feel like I should sing myself the "Going on a Bear Hunt" song from church camp.  Can't go under it! Can't go around it! Gotta go through it! This grief stuff is real and totally ugly.

At dinner tonight Harper said, "I'm sad."  When I asked why she said, "I really miss Daddy. I wish he was with me."  I gave my genuine me too response when she continued. "I didn't get to say goodbye."  I quickly reassured her that she did and even offered to show her the video and pictures. (Thank God again for that great advice of letting Harper come to Hospice. At the time I wasn't sure it was a great idea for a 3 year old, but in hindsight, thank God!) She says, "I know I know, but I didn't get to tell him I love him."  I said, "Yes baby you did, want to see the video?" To which she replied, "But I didn't get to give him one more hug."  Damn! She begs for one more hug even after I have given her 10 before bed. She doesn't understand the concept of one more or last one.  Sad to say it annoys me when I am trying to get her to bed at night.  Not anymore cause yep. That's true. Me neither. One more hug in Harper's terms means as many as she needs to feel comforted.  How good it would feel to give one more hug.

A handsome picture of Brian just for fun!

I was supposed to work nursery in church on Sunday and I was not needed and was sent to service. Pastor Larry was talking about Daniel and relentless faith. The thing that stuck with me the most as I struggle this week, is how he explained that God doesn't love us so much that he protects us from the fires in life, but he loves us so much that he is there to walk us through them.

So as I trudge through this ugly, real grief, I know I am not alone. Not only is He with me but I am still surrounded and blessed with my community. Whether it be sunflowers for no reason from Kathy at work or a middle of the day email from Mom titled, "Proud of You", I know I am not alone.  As I was typing this exact paragraph I get a text from a friend that I do not talk to often that says, "You were on my mind as I was driving tonight...just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that I think your'e an awesome teacher, mom, and friend. Saying a prayer for you tonight and sending love your way." I mean seriously?!?! How much more perfect can that timing be. When I don't feel like I am doing that great at anything and the feeling of grief has me being extra hard on myself, these are the exact words I needed in this exact moment. I know I should ends with  some great quote like, "nevertheless she persisted" or "this isn't permanent", but all I can handle right now is singing, "Can't go over it! Can't around it! Gotta go through it."

Entry 39: Seven Months

Grief is real and grief is tough. Grief is real tough and for some reason month 7 has been the toughest yet. There's no way to pinpoint a reason or to even describe all the feelings. Loneliness even when surrounded by all the great people in my life, longing for connection, trying to figure out the new me, missing the crap out of Brian. All these things but still loving life and having fun. It's weird. It's hard. But light always shines through.

Listen to this story. Brian and I ate Chick-fil-a. A LOT! In true Brian fashion he over time started picking on one employee who was always so friendly. She would give Harper ice cream even if we said no. She was bubbly and laughed off all of his jokes so of course the insults got worse or louder in order to make her laugh more. This poor high-schooler being harassed by a MAN while she tried to work! She took it with smiles even if he would fill out comment cards about her.  Unfortunately Chick-fil-a isn't allowed on Whole30 so we haven't been in the store in a while. We've driven through, but haven't seen our friend, Kaylee.  Well when my parents took Harper for after school treat when they were babysitting this past weekend, in true Kaylee fashion she warmly greeted my parents and recognized Harps.  She then asked how Brian was. My poor mom. Poor Kaylee. What a shock. Well what do you think this sweet teenager did after hearing the news? She friended me on Facebook, sent kind words, and then flowers showed up at our house. Her card said, "Wishing you and your little girl nothing but smiles and happiness. I will never forget Brian and the insults that came with him. This ones for him." How amazing?! What an incredible girl. We are lucky because of Brian's ridiculous antics, he's touched such great people and pulled them into our circle. He was the light.

So in this tough spot of grief, I want to be more like him. And I want to know how to teach Harper the amazing empathy and maturity that Kaylee showed.

Seven months. Seven months without Brian. But also seven months of the most insane support anyone can ever feel. So although it's tough and hard, I have the most amazing support. In Option B she explains, "The two things we want to know when we're in pain are that we are not crazy to feel the way we do and that we have support,"  The support is unreal and I will never be able to show enough appreciation for all the love my crazy.

Entry 38: The Moments

This weekend I had the pleasure of being in my friend Kate's wedding in Minnesota. It was my first trip all by myself without Harper or without traveling with someone. It was also my first wedding since Brian died. If I'm honest, I was apprehensive. Two weeks ago I couldn't even hold sweet baby Adaline without crying unexpectedly. I didn't think an inconsolable bridesmaid would be a good look. I didn't know what emotions would rise to the surface during such a loving time when my friend gets to commit her life to someone pretty fantastic. Not only that, Luke was not only marrying Kate but her kids as well.



Well let me tell you. I had a freaking blast! Better than I could've even imagined. The first thing I noticed about Luke was his patience.  He was gentle and kind and super nice. Perfect for Kate! Kate's maid of honor, Melia, was hysterical and so on top of things. We got to just spend time together and be with people. My favorite! There's always a little guilt that sneaks in after having such a good time. But as I was reading Option B on the plane I found this quote, "Even though we are in great distress, joy can still be found in moments we seize and moments we create."

I'm so thankful for all the moments this weekend. In thankful I was there to witness Kate and Luke's wedding. A wedding that represented love and a pretty damn good Option B for Kate and her kids. I thought of Brian often. I got to share about him. I got to talk about him with people who asked and listened and cared. Instead of making me a crying bridesmaid, I was a joyful bridesmaid having a darn good time.

Driving home from the airport the let down set in, the tears came. I knew it would happen. It always does. I listened to this song....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bdi3XPMhUtY.  My favorite lyric is

"Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up"

Entry 37: Option B

I don't know exactly how to describe this but I will try. You know how when a friend has something not good happen to them, initially you are super involved. You care greatly. You want to know every detail and you bend over backwards to help.  Yet when the problem persists or the drama continues you don't care less but you devote way less attention and time to the issue.  Not because you are a bad friend, but it is because life continues to move on.  What amazes me is this has never been the case with our cancer experience and our loss of Brian experience. I remember feeling insanely lost but also insanely grateful shortly after diagnosis because of the outpouring of love, support, and acts of kindness. I also remember telling people, don't do anything now. Wait until we really need it because cancer is a long battle.  People didn't listen. For more than two years people have continuous poured into our family. It has not stopped. This is what's so surprising. I am not surprised that I have great people in my life, I am just surprised about how strong and in what quantity the kindness continues to flow. I guess you also worry that although missing Brian is very real and present in my everyday life, I guess I just thought it would fade a little for others. Not that they wouldn't miss him but maybe the way they show it would be different. Or that it wouldn't be as constant as it is for us. I thought I would have to do a lot of the work to make sure to continue the legacy of Brian Timothy Newton. But as I was wrong before people are not giving less time and attention to the "drama" or "issue", people are consistently showing they care as much as they did at diagnosis time.  And although I do love a good prize, that's not the only thing I am talking about here.  I received an amazing painting of our

old house today. The painting is amazing but even more amazing is the fact that it came from a sorority sister who I keep up with on Facebook and got to see at our recent reunion, but that I don't talk to regularly. She knew that leaving that house what hard. She also magically knew my new address. In her sweet card it said something like "thinking of you often".  This is someone that did not know Brian, yet cares about him, about me, about us!  Another thing happened this week.  The thoughtfulness and goodness that went into this gift overwhelms me.  Another example, my friends Dani and LA kept telling me I wasn't invited to see their new 3rd grade classroom because it wasn't ready yet. Then the morning I was finally given permission to go, I get a quick Snap that warns me that I may tear up. What the heck! As I walk in, I see a bolt.  They named their reading corner Newton's Nook. After posting the picture on Facebook I was surprised by the people who teared up when seeing it. This is what I am talking about. Although I know others will always remember Brian, I thought the everyday reminding would be greatly on my shoulders. I thought I would have to work super hard to make sure he is still talked about. I almost put down the word remembered but we all know that once you have interacted with the inappropriateness of Brian there is no forgetting that.

I have been talking about my grief a lot lately and feeling it more strongly in month six than I did in month two. So tonight I did something unexpected. I started reading a grief book. My good friend and mentor at work Kathy Pyle gave me the book Option B along with a free pass to never read it unless I wanted to. This was a while ago. Today, after hanging with our friends that have known Brian longer and probably better than I do and talking about grief and missing him and trying to make sure I make decisions he would support, I decided to pick it up tonight.  Maybe I should mention too that I just unpacked it from a box last night. I have only read the introduction. Although I was already tucked in bed I started reading and had to run downstairs for a pencil. I just kept thinking yes. So much yes!!!!  Although her experience is different and her loss was sudden, I just feel I could relate immediately to what she was saying.  She says at one point she knows she has to do it (continue with life) for her husband but she wants to do it with her husband. YES! That's exactly how I feel. I keep living and doing because Brian would want that but gosh I want to do this WITH him.  Her book is about building resilience. That it isn't something you have or don't have. You can develop it. Many times I get praised for my parenting through the death or for how I am doing. People say I don't know how you do it.  It was the same when we remained as positive as possible through the cancer experience. It didn't feel like a choice. It just felt like there was no other way to do it. She talks about how this is how we "exert some control over its (griefs) impact." YES! I love control. Duh! And this makes me feel okay for making some of my own. But my favorite part so far is how she says with a traumatic situation we can find "greater strength and deeper meaning". THIS! This is what I feel. I feel this kindness that has cloaked us is teaching me so much more about the meaning of life. It shows the goodness of people. It models how we should treat others. It is so much how Brian lived but brings it so much more to the forefront. I just want to love people like he did. I want to continue to love him as much as I do. Although life with Brian would be Option A, this book says, "So let's just kick the shit out of Option B." That's the plan going forward.

Entry 36: The Missing Keeps Happening

It's been a while since I've written because I still don't have internet! Wah! The new house is great. Every day I think how much I love it. Kids knock on the door to play with Harper, she got her first big girl bike with training wheels from her GeGe and can ride it in the culdesac, and everything is coming together.I love it! I don't know if it's because of the changes or because the new school year is starting or if it's just because but I miss Brian, but gosh I'm missing him a lot lately.

I was getting my eyebrows waxed and one of the workers was soaking her nails and talking to her husband on speaker phone. They were not talking about anything emotional or sweet, it sounded like she was giving him a list of what to pack for a baby. Yet when they hung up he said I love you. And she very blasé said I love you too and hung up. Now that isn't a great love story or anything but I almost cried. I miss that. I miss the simple I love yous every time we ended a conversation about anything.

I broke the garage door day 5 of living here. I was just taking out the trash and didn't realize something fell into the track. When I went to close the door a whole mess ensued. I missed Brian cause I just wanted to cry while someone else dealt with it. Or if Brian was here I wouldn't have felt as scared to leave the garage door open overnight. Or maybe he would've been the one to push the button so I could've been mad at him instead of myself.  It was fixed the next day and nothing was stolen so it's all good but I miss him.

Tonight was the Hall of Fame game and I didn't even know it. Not that I have internet or anything to watch it but still. If Brian were alive I would have known. Football season is really really going to make me miss him.

Harper looks like him. When she's trying to stall at bedtime she wants to talk about daddy. When I pray at night, after I say amen she says it's her turn. Instead of talking to God she says, "Thank you for loving us so much and we miss you, Daddy." I know I should correct her and teach her to talk to God but my heart is happy to hear her talking to him so I will wait a bit on that lesson.

I can hear any song and twist any lyric to make me think of Brian. I read memories of the water being shut off 5 years ago because he didn't pay the bill and laugh now at how mad I was and remembering him trying to explain his way out of it. I see pictures of us surrounded by other people's kiddos and think about how fun he was and how he rarely said no to anything we wanted to do.

Someone asked me recently if I'm looking for men to date. The thing is when I think about that phone call I love you or needing someone here to blame the garage on, I don't miss it because it was another person, I miss it because it was Brian. So my answer to that person was I'm not looking at the moment because it's not being in a relationship that I miss, it's being in a relationship with Brian that I miss so much.

I've cried more this week than I have in a month. I'm appreciative of the tears because they remind me of what a great thing I lost. I know I'm not the only one missing him and feel so blessed that he is still loved by so many and that so many continue to show their love to us. Whether it be the team of friends who went above and beyond to help me move or a sweet locket arriving in the mail, we feel the love for not only us but Brian as well.

Entry 35: Six Months

Six months. Truly unbelievable. This time two years ago we were in NYC prepping for a huge surgery that would be life changing. This time six months ago we were gathered in Hospice prepping for  the end of life of a truly incredible man that changed our life. Today we are prepping our new house for the big move in tomorrow. All life changing events.

Above: NYC meal before surgery,
Below: Surrounded by love in Hospice.

And we celebrate with ice cream!
After all it is her half birthday!

So much can happen in such a short time. It is unbelievable to me that we have had to live six months without our Daddy and husband. Yet there have still been times of joy. When pulling up to the house to meet the painters thinking I still had fifteen minutes before they would arrive, I laughed, then smiled, then almost cried when I saw the Redskins sticker on the back of the truck and because they were early. Brian was there strong and steady waiting for surgery, he was calm and ready in Hospice, and he was a calming stamp of approval today. 

I truly wish he was here to do this life with us. He would've been so proud of the new house. He would've dinged a million walls carrying things by himself up the stairs  that should take four people to lift. I am thankful he has not been here suffering for the last six months, but I miss him. I am happy that Harper continuously talks about her Daddy. She has started drawing family pictures which always contain me, her and Daddy. 

So as our life continues to change, missing and loving Brian is our constant but we are so excited for what's to come.  

Entry 34: The Last Night

So I predicted the last night in this house would be super hard but it's even harder than I thought. As I am singing to Harper at bedtime and staring at the elephants Brian so proudly painted on her walls as she was growing in my belly, I couldn't even get through the songs. These are the songs that Brian stood in the same room and sang next to me. It was his favorite parent activity, singing to his baby and rubbing her. Does my three year old really understand what it means when I say we won't live her anymore after tonight? Growing up my family never moved, so I have never had to say goodbye forever to a house that held such meaning. This was Brian's house that I moved in to. In the closet it looks like someone shot a gun everywhere on the walls because Brian moved shelves and added more so I could fit when we blended our lives. Let's not mention the time all my racks fell down and totally ruined my life for a week because of the disorganized chaos.  Let's also not mention Brian's method of finding a stud to hang things was drilling into the wall, nope, let's drill over here, nope, do that a few more times, of here's one! There's the paint on the ceiling of when we painted the living room together.  There's the kitchen where he proposed after one of the crappiest days in my teaching career. It's the home where we brought home our newborn. It's the only place where she will have known Daddy. Even though I know the move is good, this is hard. I know my heart holds the memories, not the house, but gosh I love this home that we made together.

One of the things I am most excited about my new house is the new community of people on my cul-de-sac that I have heard great things about, yet I will miss my Twin Lakes community. My neighbors who ran over laundry detergent tonight so I could wash one more load, the ones who decorated the driveway with sidewalk chalk when I moved in, the ones who made a tumor jar as a joke before we left for surgery in NYC, the ones who would do anything for my family, the ones who remember to close my garage when I don't, the ones who helped raise my baby during her most precious newborn years, the ones who borrow kitchen stuff and never give it back, the neighbor brothers, these major players in the village who have supported us wholeheartedly since diagnosis day, the ones whose parents/family treat us just as well, and more than neighbors, my friends.

I have fond memories of hosting parties with entirely too many guests for the size of the house. I will always cherish the dinners that started with friends coming over to watch the Bachelor and turned into framily, counseling, and the Brian comedy show.  I laugh when I think about the pups getting out and us blaming Brian and my dad when there was really a giant hole dug under the fence.

So as I cry singing lullabies, I remember to be thankful for this home, these memories, my Brian, these neighbors and the memories 119 North Twin Maple provided. I look forward to our new house and making sure Brian is well represented in it. I also look forward to a fun day of packing the truck with the lightning squad peeps tomorrow!

Entry 33: Lake Love

One thing Brian taught me is to value relationships. When I met Brian there were so many friends of his that I needed to meet. Most of these friends were lifelong friendships that started in middle school and high school.  When I took inventory of my friendships not many were as long as these. It wasn't just one friend either. It was many. As his life went on the more friends he collected.  Sadly, some of my strong friendships from when I was younger faded out as life changes happened. This wasn't the case with Brian. The relationships were strong. I have great friends but really learned from Brian how to foster friendships. Also after our big mountain house getaway in January 2016, Brian and I discussed how important it is to be with our people and make time for them even in the busyness of life. We wouldn't have done that trip if it weren't for cancer. Thank goodness we did because all of those collected friends did a huge friend mixing. But I am also thankful for what I learned from the experience. The value of friends. Thank you cancer for showing just how truly important friends are.

This weekend I got to go to the Traetto lake house in the middle of Alabama. Although I had been invited many times, this was the first year it was possible. So even though my move was only seven days way and life felt busy, I went. On hour six of the eight hour drive we were stuck in a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG delay with a three year old at one in the morning. I began to question, was this worth it. Let me just tell you...the answer will always be yes.

Getting in in the wee hours of the morning doesn't give you much of an idea of where you are but when you walk out in the morning and see the view from the kitchen.

WORTH IT!  It's so much more than that though. It's getting to appreciate relationships that may not have been as long as the ones Brian had but that feel equally as strong. It's the 8 hours worth of girl talk car chats. It's the meaningful conversations that happen while floating near the waterfall. It's the memory of winning the poker run charity event when you got to play with someone else's money. It's the sense of family. It is sleeping in the bunk room and waking up to see your daughter snuggling her aunts. It's your friends amazing parents spoiling your daughter with brownies and playing with her so you can have adult time on the lake. It's a group of friends where you get to be totally and utterly yourself.  It's former preschool teacher Dani packing a backpack of fun that literally entertains Harper for seven straight hours while you drive.  It is coming in from a day on the boat to home cooked eggplant rollatini  It is a group of amazing role models for our Harper girl.  It's getting to talk about Brian easily with people who loved him. It's walking into a room and the two adults are crying but your daughter is not.  It's giving a pet as a gift because pets are fun and it makes your friend happy.  It's riding a tube behind a boat Dani style and being reminded of amazing times with my youth group growing up.  It's community.  It's an investment into friendships. So the eight hours was worth it...more than worth it.

I love my framily. I am incredible thankful for them. I am also so thankful for Brian and what he taught me about relationships. His investments into people continue to multiple in our lives and I couldn't be more thankful. And like Zak said at the gravesite, in this way I will try to "live like Brian".

P.S. Happy birthday CALLY!  Thanks for an amazing weekend!

Entry 32: Two Things

Two things have been on my mind a lot lately:

1. Just how much Harper is loved.
2. OH MY GOODNESS! We are moving!

Let's start with number 1.

Pictures like this pop up on my TimeHop and have really touched me lately.  This picture is not of a special event, a holiday, or even a memorable occasion, but I love it so much.   The love Brian had for Harper was abundantly clear to everyone, especially her.  I miss that for her. However, the people in our lives compensate by showering her with love times one million. As I sit on the edge of the pool and watch one of my childhood besties tread water in the deep end so that Harper can jump to him over and over again, I think about the many people that pour love into Harper. I feel so incredibly blessed for her. My best friend turns to me after Harper does something adorable and says, "Gosh, I just love her," with total sincerity almost as if she loves her as much as I do. Harper runs out of the Sunday school class and all I can hear is giggling as she plays with Uncle Greg. Everywhere we go she is loved. The gym, the family reunion, vacation with my parents, church, firework shows,  her sweet little school, you name it. She is loved and hugged. Because so much love has been modeled for this little nugget, she shows love in return. As I get dressed in my comfy clothes for around the house, she says, "I love your shirt, Mommy."  As we drive away from fireworks, she says, "I really will miss my best friend."  As I see my sweet Livi (who I babysat since age 6 months, now 14 years old) cracking up as Harper does something else ridiculous my heart smiles.  My heart literally wants to explode when I think of how lucky our child is to be on the receiving end of so much love from so many people and not just the people who are supposed to love her. How did she get so lucky?!

Now number 2.  Look what I wrote in my journal on this day in 3 years ago. 3 years ago!  Brian and I have wanted to move for so long and now it is a reality.  I was home alone today because Harper was missing school and wanted to go, and because we move in 15 days. This is the first time I have been alone in a while. As I was packing boxes I got emotional. Although this is my reality and I am excited, I want it to be OUR reality. I love packing and organizing and I did a whole bunch right after Brian died. Thank God for that because touching all of these pieces of him now, 5 months after he has been gone, really makes me miss the heck out of him. Reading what a few people wrote in his yearbook, seeing pictures of him with his best friends from high school who are now my besties, debating what to do with a FatHead of Robert Griffin, it's all just hard. Reading the card I wrote to him on our wedding day and wishing our forever I talked about in there was longer. I miss him everyday, but packing up our life, our home, has really got me missing him bad today.  He would've been no help with the packing at all. His style of moving was throwing things into the truck or trunk without even a box, but I wish he could see our dream becoming a reality.  Although alone time is not my favorite, I am thankful for the time to miss him and to carefully wrap our memories in newspaper to take them to our new home. A home where we will bring Brian with us, even the Redskins stadium picture for our Redskins corner in the garage. I am thankful for the tangible memories, but most thankful for the memories in our hearts (and in my journal because let's be real my memory is not that great).

So about those two things on my mind:

1. Thank you for loving Harper so much!
2. OH MY GOODNESS! We are moving in 15 days!!!!

Entry 31: A Cloud

Since Brian passed, I feel like time is flying at almost the same rate as watching a newborn grow. Like how can it already be 5 months?!?!  How is it 5 months ago that we were all surrounding his bed in Hospice? How has it been 5 months since our lives have completely changed? Why is life going so quickly?

Lately my life feels "fake". Not because fake because I can't believe I am selling and buying a house kind of fake, but fake in the sense that I've been away a lot and it's okay and I don't have to check in with anyone. Or it's summer and I am a teacher and don't have to work kind of fake. When Brian and I were together he didn't like being apart. He definitely didn't like being apart if it meant I was at the beach. So while at my parents for the last four days and now at the beach house today, I can't help but think about him a lot. Normally I would be going over the top to check in, to make sure we FaceTimed so he could hang with Harper daily, or to make sure he was happy and not missing us too much. This time I don't have to check in with anyone which is freeing but also super sad.

In Siesta Key, the best thing to do every night is watch the sunset. It is glorious and magical and even though I already have a million pictures of it I can't help but take a million more. When I finally decided to call it quits, put my phone down, and swim with Mom and Harper, I looked up and there was a cloud shaped like a lightening bolt. I ran out of the water (you can laugh, it wasn't pretty) and took some pictures and suddenly started crying. Because of a cloud. Because although many others have gotten hints of Brian, this was my first. It's at my favorite place ever, with my two best friends ever, and it just felt like he was the one checking in. Gah! So I cried. I cried while tons of people on the beach were taking in the gorgeous sunset and Mom was in the Gulf with Harper while she twirled in her tube. I have nothing wise or profound to say. It felt good to cry. I feel like I haven't done it enough lately. I love Brian and I miss him.