Entry 23: A New Word Needed

We definitely miss our mornings. Exactly a year ago today.

A few nights ago, as I looked over at the video monitor of Harper sleeping, I just felt an insane amount of love and pride for how awesome Harper is and how much she develops and grows at such a fast rate. My heart swells and I am filled with joy, then immediately my heart feels heavier than ever. This simple glance is a reminder that I wasn't supposed to do this alone. I'm supposed to do it with somebody.  And not just anybody,  my person.  Brian was MY person. And that person is gone. Although many people love Harper...like SO MANY, Brian is the ONE person that would understand my feelings in that moment.  He would get it. He would gush with even more pride.

So I think to myself, "Self? Are you lonely?"  My self then argues, "No! Yes! NO!"  Here comes the part where I need a new word.  It isn't loneliness. I have people in my life daily that love me. I am surrounded by them. I text them. I talk to my parents daily on the phone.  I have coworkers and students. I go to the gym and have a great community of people there. When I put Harper to bed at night, I am not sad or wishing someone was still hanging out with me. I look forward to my trash TV  and Facebook/Instagram perusing. Shoot, I even have three dogs in my bed and one or more of them is always leaning up against me. So what is this feeling that I can't shake?  Sure it is under the umbrella of grief, but it is something more specific.....what's the word?

I think about Brian all the time. It is hard not to. It's typically not with a heavy heart. But for whatever reason this week, I have this new gronely (grief +lonely...no?) feeling.  When I say I am not supposed to do this alone, it doesn't mean that the "doing this" part is too challenging. In fact, although I have to rely on my village to do many things for me, I think I am kicking ass at the single mom gig. Harper knows she is loved and vegetables and fruit attempt to make it into her body every day (Thank you Daniel Tiger for the 'You Gotta Try New Foods' song).  Being a momma is the best. She makes it easy. 
This week, as she scooted her stool next to me so that we could sit VERY closely during dinner the other night, I told her, "I just love you so much." 
She asked, "Will you marry me?"
I laughed and said, "Of course."
I then asked her who I married. She told me daddy. And I said, "Daddy and I chose to love each other forever."
Harper says, "I choose Daddy too."
GAH! Is your heart melted yet? It should be!

So even though I am the fun kind of busy and have seriously the best village out there, I have this new layer of sadness where I just miss him and want him and would pay a lot of money for his affection.  I just want to do this life with him.  A prayer I said a lot these last 5 years as I would lie in bed was I love my life. Thank you God for this!  After a body wracking cry like I had the other night after looking over at the monitor, I found myself still praying the same.  I am love my life. As my counselor would say, I just need to "be" with this new feeling. I am great at doing, but now I am just going to practice being.

Entry 22: Three Months

Three months...a quarter of a year....can you believe it?!  It is so insane. Although I love my new routine and Harper and I are a pretty great pair, it doesn't mean I don't think about Brian constantly. I mean all the time. Like a bajillion times a day. These thoughts normally don't make me sad for the most part, but I do long for him. I wish he was here experiencing life with us.

I know I have said it before but I love how Harper talks about him. She told Dani the other day that she (Harper) likes M&Ms and Daddy did too.  This is not true, but how cute? She is talking about him to others. She still loves looking at the daily pictures and videos of Brian. She watched one a few weeks ago of us playing ball with her in her room.  Fletcher kept trying to get the ball and Brian kept saying, "Not yours!" and laughing at Fletch.  Last night when I asked what she remembered about Daddy, she said, "He plays ball and says ,'Not yours!'" So although her memories may be aided by pictures and videos, I am so so happy that she is able to add to the ones she already experienced with him.

Picture from a year ago today!

I tell you this because my biggest fear in all of this is not remembering him well enough for myself or for her. A lot of my life gets wrapped up into a pretty marble in my memory.  I don't remember all the details but I remember whether a time in my life was positive or negative and a few favorites but then it gets smashed into a perfect little sphere and is stored away. For example, my time in sorority, a pretty marble with some friends and events that stick out but the details are hazy or non-existent.  My childhood, a beautiful, shiny marble filled with trips and good times. But I don't remember all the details of all of our family vacations. Being pregnant is a BIG marble where I only remember loving it then getting a baby.  Others remind me that I did have back pain and such. Nope, don't remember, I just see a happy, shiny marble.  I DO NOT want this to happen to my life with Brian. I don't want him to fit into a marble that just shines positivity. I want to remember it all. I want every little detail not only for myself but so I can share them with Harper.  Some of these are preserved in my line-a-day journal that a friend gave me 5 years ago (THANK YOU JEN), but I wish I had a journal for when we started dating.  Brian was most sad about dying when he thought about leaving Harper at a young age where she wouldn't have real memories. I want to make sure she does!  When I told my fear to my counselor she read me this:

"We don't remember days, we remember moments."  CESARE PAVESE

"Memories are of tremendous importance to all survivors. They keep us going, give us strength, and can be passed on to others who cared about our loved one. But sometimes, we lose perspective about what memories are made of.  Those most prominent times that we recall with pleasure, tenderness, devotion, or any number of emotions are ones in which some particular word, gesture, or action embedded itself in our memory.  AS a result, we have carried those times with us ever since.

The most precious of our recollections do not cover long periods; they reflect, instead, brief moments we have selected for one reason or another from the broader segments of time we spent with our loved one.  We need not feel deep regret for not having days or weeks or months to fill our memory bank, when a few moments can stay with us forever."

So, I am trying to cherish the moments that stick out. Of course there were so many.  I would love to hear the moments you have stored about our Brian. 

Lastly at three months, here are some things that maybe some widows (EWW! THAT WORD) don't talk about but are still going through their minds.... like, is it okay that he is still the number one starred favorite phone number on my phone even though his phone is disconnected?  There is no "right time" to take him off that list. Also, what about my ring?  I am in no way shape or form ready to date although Brian tried to make me promise that I would. I told him thanks for the option but no promises. However, what do I do with my ring? I still wear it. Is that silly? I know most of you would say no, but at some point it needs to move to the other hand or be worn differently. That's just weird and feels wrong even though I know it's a "widow thing" and isn't wrong at all. Where's the book for this part? Although all of you praise me frequently, I do wish Brian could just text me once a month his rating of how I am doing and if it pleases him. I know he would give a big thumbs down to the amount of time I spend at the beach but other than that I hope he'd be sending a big thumbs up with a roach and/or poop emoji.

Entry 21: We are LOVED

In church this morning, Pastor Larry said, "The only way to come to the Lord is through love."  I have been reflecting a lot on all the love that has been shown to my family before Brian died and since Brian has died. It is truly remarkable. Although there is still not a word strong enough to express the gratitude I feel and there is no way to even recount every morsel of love shed our way, I will give you a glimpse into our week.

After an amazing weekend in Savannah, my bestie left for Colorado and my parents departed for a trip of their own.
 

Monday night I got to spend time with Brian's mom and his cousins, Beff (Jeff) and Debbie.  They are seriously my favorite people. I feel like they are mine. They are the type of people who you cannot even compliment their cool things or these cool things will then show up at your doorstep the second they get a chance to order them. They are listeners. Like the best listeners.  They love and accept and make me feel so incredible. My "shy" daughter goes straight to Beff and receives the best love!  Monday night, we got to go to their condo they were renting at the beach.  They cooked me a Whole30 approved meal knowing that I was still eating well. Beff got me an adult coloring book cause he knows I need to force myself to slow down.  They also got me a gift card to my FAVORITE spa in town (which they knew from asking my friends 2 months ago in Hospice). We got to walk on the beach, talk about Brian, talk about the fact that it has hit hard, push a Jeep out of the sand, see a bunny in the dunes and watch the moon rise as the sun set.  Pure magic.  Pure love.

Tuesday, a new friend at the gym gave me the perfect shirt for Harper.  I got to have framily dinner with the girls.  These people come every week. They come to me. They don't expect anything at all. It is amazing. This week we sat and talked about Brian. We may have cried a bit and laughed a lot. There was no need for TV. They tried to leave several times then we found ourselves sitting on the couch talking some more.  I went to bed happy. Thinking about Brian, reassured by their love.

Thursday I had grief counseling with my caring and reassuring counselor before heading off with friends to Disney on Ice.

This all sounds magical, but wait till you hear how to week continued...


Imagine you are driving to work after a late night partying. And by partying I mean you went to Disney on Ice and got your daughter and yourself to sleep at 11PM. Super late for all involved!  So, you are driving to work and as you get close to the gate, you search your purse for your work keys/ID.  As you dig through your large purse, you do not find your keys, however you do find a JCrew jewelry pouch loaded with cash. A LOT of cash.  This may seem like magic or a made up story. But sure enough, this happened to me Friday morning. As I try to think about how this large sum could've found its way into my purse, I retrace when I last used my purse.  I brought it in to Debbie and Beff's house Monday but they tend to hand gifts straight to you.  Then I remember the last time I used it was for the trip to Savannah. After completing my investigation, I discover that my sorority sister that I have not seen in 12 year, quietly snuck the pouch into my purse over the weekend. She was not asking for praise, recognition or even checking about the fact that it's been 4 days since the trip and she hadn't heard even a peep of thanks. This is love. I got to share this love with my students because by the time the wowness and shock settled over me and the investigation wass complete, I was at work. I got to tell them about the goodness of people and also give them a little lesson in finances and budgeting.

Friday, I also got to spend more time with Sally, Beff and Debbie (Charlie and Sammy too).  Resting on the beach, chatting, building drippy castles, and swimming in cold pools. They watched Harper while I worked and while I worked out. They came to me and we got to do my Easter traditions.  We cooked dinner and we dyed eggs. To have a house so full made my heart so happy. A house full of people who loved Brian.


Saturday I got to wake up to no alarms.  I got amazing mail from California and Massachusetts. More kindness from friends and family. Thank you Ferrel and Foristall families! I went to workout. I happened to mention to my friend Katie, that I was planning to take Harper to an egg hunt then to buy a big girl bed and I joke about tying it to

the top of my car. She tells me Brent, my friend and her husband, can come with his truck. Before I am even at the park for the egg hunt, Brent is asking what time he should be at the mattress store. Because of this Harper has a new big girl bed and is sleeping in it without a fuss.  Saturday night was also full of love and my favorite thing called "friend mixing".  For a while Brian kept each group of friends he had separate. A year before he died, we all went to a cabin in Georgia so all our different friend groups got to know each other.  Now we have "friend mixing" all the time and I love it!  A group of us had dinner then went to the Adam Sandler show. I didn't have high expectations for the show but was hoping for a laugh. The show was incredible. The weather was GORGEOUS. Mary hooked us up with VIP!! Whoot Whoot!  Let me just tell you something, I may have cried from laughing so hard but I also cried, like real cried at a comedy show!! Adam did a tribute song to Chris Farley.  He was so genuine and I just thought about the love people have for Brian and was a tribute song to him would sound like. I also thought about how much he would've enjoyed the show. When
Adam is singing a song about a wife being mad in the morning before the husband even had a chance to do anything bad, I want to look over at Brian and laugh because it described me to a T.

While I was busy laugh crying and cry crying, Dani was babysitting Harper. While I thought they were at home, they were at Publix picking out Easter flowers for Mommy and making a card. When  got home, Dani gushed over Harper.  To see someone love your baby as much as you do or to think
she's special just fills your hear. So when I went to get my big girl out of bed this morning, I found my flowers and got to see Harper's face light up as she told me how she picked them. Seriously the sweetest for so many reasons. Everyone needs a kind, loving friend like Dani.




Today, consisted of church,  traditional cross picture with Dani and Harper,  Easter egg hunt at Grandma's, brunch with Tori and Dani at Raintree, a great Easter parade, and a visit to Daddy's grave. I immediately cry pulling in. The place just makes it real and sad. As we were leaving, Harper looks back and says, "Bye Daddy! Happy Easter!" No ounce of sadness in her voice.  I love the way she knows him, talks about him, remembers him. She doesn't like my tears over him but knows he is special and loves her so so much.  Tonight I got to be surrounded by even more friends and listen to live music that just feeds the soul.

Today, Easter Sunday, as I reflect on the week, I see the Lord all around. If the only way to know the Lord is through love, I get to see him ALL THE TIME. The people in my life are incredible. They are love.  Although no one can do anything to bring Brian back to show me love, I get to see the love he showed reflected back on us. I get to see the love and feel it.  Like I said, it is impossible to name every thing that made my heart feel love. This is just a little glimpse. Know that you all contribute to my life and the love I know.

Entry 20: Responsibility Who?

So this past weekend I went on my first ever girls' weekend in Savannah with my sorority sisters.  The trip was incredible for so many reasons. I don't like the idea of being "excited to be away from my kid" because that isn't how I feel at all. Harper is my best friend and I love doing life with her.  That being said, this weekend was incredible because I was FREE from responsibility.  The most important things I needed to take care of were not losing my purse and making sure I didn't fall on cobblestone.  I mean seriously, thanks to my friends I didn't have to drive, make decisions about where to eat, or even hold on to a hotel key.  I feel like since Harper has been born and since Brian had cancer I am/was always responsible for something even if I was away on a trip.  I would be responsible to check in, or to make sure I wasn't spending too much, or I would feel guilty. Thanks to my awesome parents, this weekend was guilt free.  I knew Harper was happy and I got to do what I wanted to do no strings attached.

The second thing that made the weekend so amazing was that as I walked around making new memories with my bestie and girls that I haven't seen in years but still love, I was reminded of my memories with Brian. We took a surprise trip for Brian's 40th to Savannah with friends. Brian and I also traveled to Savannah in the beginning of our relationship.  I passed the shop where Brian showed a lady his scar and told her that I only planned the trip because he had cancer. Always being sarcastic.  I laid in the park and read my book. The same park where Brian and I brought the dogs and took pictures before. I walked through the park where Brian last threw a football. I laughed at the random things Brian did in Savannah including a hilarious prank call.  I am so thankful that he and I made so many memories together.

Third, the girls I was with were full of grace. They took genuine interest in how I was doing. They wiped tears as we sat around the lobby eating breakfast and talking about the Hospice experience.  They were kind. They brought joy. They asked real questions.  They let me share the memories even though most of them never got to know Brian. It truly made my heart happy.

One topic of conversation was that in high school and college, you have time to invest in relationships with friends.  You form super strong bonds and really get to know your friends. It seems like as we get older it is harder to make such close friends because life gets in the way.  So as adults we don't add as many friends to our lives.  I am so thankful for the time invested in these girls.  As much fun it is to tease about being a sorority girl and "buying" my friend, I got what I paid for. I am also thankful that because Brian invested in people, I do have "new" friends as an adult. And not just casual friends, super close friends who have embraced me and all of my craziness.

Although today I cried this morning on the way to school and was missing Brian something fierce, I was then almost tripped by a moving roach when walking up the stairs to my classroom. It made me laugh out loud and take a video. Ahhh.  Some people send beautiful animals, Brian sends roaches!

**I feel like I should add that Brian would find dead roaches in the building when we worked together and fold a piece of paper and send them with a student to me. I would assume it was some important communication then open it up to find a dead roach.  He did this with many other staff as well.  That's why I assumed the roach was from him. Of course he would send that!

Entry 19: Brian's Office

Today I went to clean out Brian's office. This isn't a task I have been avoiding, it is just out of sight out of mind, so I keep forgetting. Well I set a reminder in my phone today and went over there (27 minutes after the reminder...oops!).  Let me start by saying I am so thankful I organized my house when I did. Today made me realize that the further I get from Brian's death, the more meaningful things become including little scraps of paper.  Luckily his boss had already made piles and organized his belongings making it easier for me.  I can call off the search for the level from our house, the tape measure and the bucket of nails.  I noticed they were missing when I wanted to hang the new canvases I got from our photographer after he died. They have been located. The mystery is solved. Ha!  I really couldn't understand how we lost a level. Now I get it. Brian must've needed to hang things in his office.  I also gained two new water bottles, found his Bose headphones, and a FatHead of baby Harper!

Seeing his handwriting was the best! I mean seriously, how can him scribbling the words "my daughter" in a tiny doily have so much meaning?!?!?!  However, I also found something super impactful. Words to live by.  At the last conference he went to, Brian filled out a postcard that was supposed to be sent to him in a year. This is what he wrote:

 I mean seriously?!?!?! Isn't that what his life was/is? Isn't that what all the friends said at the graveside service? To live like Brian.  Well here it is folks. My new life mantra.  My next tattoo. JUST KIDDING, MOM! I may or may not have rubbed the postcard on my face before leaving it.  Although I wasn't avoiding the task of his office, it was much much MUCH more emotional than I realized. I love him. I love this postcard. I love his cartoon drawings and doodles. I haven't looked through it all yet, but gosh I am thankful for pieces of him!