Entry 81: I'll Ride the Wave

 So if you know Brian, you know how important music is to him. Like you couldn't ever just ride in the car and listen, he would have to pause and tell you the history behind the song or what a certain lyric meant or lots of random facts about a member of the band. When he found a new song that inspired him or evoked emotion, you could find him listening to it while he showered, again in the car, then on repeat again right after that. 

He wrote his own blogs while experiencing cancer. So many centered around a song lyric and what he was experiencing.

If you want to read his writing, here is one: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/06/ill-swallow-poison-until-i-grow-immune.html

Here is another that explains the lightning bolt symbolism: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/02/ride-lightning.html. The amazing thing because of music that inspired Brian, we have lost count of the number of bolt tattoos there are now. 

The last concert we went to was Pearl Jam. When we bought the tickets, we weren't even sure he'd be able to even use his ticket but we didn't want to give up hope. Let's fast forward to today. Of course the lightning squad shared Brian's story throughout. Because of Zak and Claire sharing Brian's story with a friend, Brian's story was shared with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist of Pearl Jam. Well here is a video we got today.

I cry! Like for real? Is this real life? This man took time out of his life to honor Brian. Brian would totally be freaking out that he would now have an amazing fact to share about this man that made music that meant so much to Brian. How amazing that people who never met Brian felt called enough to share his story. The friend of Zak and Claire who shared the story said this tonight, when crying while trying to get through watching the video they said "We end up with our eyes closed, feeling the music, thinking of you all, and tears running down our face." I mean how truly amazing is all of this. I am so so so thankful! And how amazing for Harper to have something so special and that meant so much to her Dad. 

Entry 80: It's a Birthday! It's a Griefday!

 Today is Brian's 45th birthday. With the insanity of working nonstop from the second I set foot on campus to the second I leave, then going to the gym, coming home to cook, then making sure I pay attention to Harper and get my grad school work done and work some more, this birthday kind of snuck up on me. Also, because I couldn't host our usual busy house with all our favorites/lightning squad, I didn't anticipate the grief that came with this day. I woke up feeling sad and heavy. Why??

Life is really good right now. I feel busy and purposeful at work. We are so loved, and things with Josh couldn't be better. (Update: We worked on things, got back together, and I couldn't be happier for following my heart on this one instead of my brain). His relationship with Harper melts my heart for real! Harper is BEYOND thrilled to be wearing her mask and going to school in person. She has a great teacher and her neighborhood bestie is in her class! She loves school even if she thinks walking around the bus loop for recess is lame. Friends are planning weddings and there is so much love and happiness.

It's hard because I am so so so happy, but at the same time miss Brian something fierce. I haven't had a whole day of grief in a long time. It's more like little moments here and there.  He would love to be harassing the girls about their wedding plans. I want to know what he feels about Washington ditching the Redskins mascot. I want to watch football every weekend while doing schoolwork. I want him to see the crazy antics of his baby who knows way too much and is nearly as ridiculous as him. I would love to see his solutions for our online learners and watch his ridiculous presentations that would most definitely involve embarrassing pictures of me in them.

But I also know he'd be really happy with the paths our lives are on. He'd love that my parents live so close. He would love that his friends have never once neglected their promises to take care of his girls. He would love that Harper is good but a little sassy at the same time. (Please don't ask Harper for a list of words that start with sh-.) He would be so happy that I found someone who doesn't only love me but also loves Harps. I still wonder what he would say about the fact that I am AP since that was never in our longterm discussions. But I know he would be happy.

So although today was WAYYY harder than I anticipated, I am thankful we still got to celebrate Brian with a small group of besties that feel like home. I am thankful for whoever surprised us with sunflowers on the porch. I celebrate my friends like Mary who send words of affirmation (my love language) at just the right moment. I celebrate that because of the life I lived with Brian and because of the life Brian led, I get to be super thankful for the life and happiness I have now even when a birthday is a griefday. 

**When I complain about grad school homework later in the week, feel free to remind me that I chose to write a blog instead of read chapters.