Entry 74: Connected

When looking at my top 9 from my year, it's so clear that my life continues to move on but Brian is always a huge part of it. Looking at these Best 9 most liked photos is such a snapshot of all that was my life before and continues to be my life now. I see Brian through it all. I see the commitment of his friends to love us through everything and always be there for us. I see family memories and traditions that continue. I see a sweet sweet girl who continues to grow and reminds me of her dad constantly. And I see new people we've added to our lives.

Update: The last two blogs were break up blogs. Well, Josh and I are working it out. He texted about a week later saying he was an idiot and got scared of how good things were (of course this is the simplified version).  I have NEVER in my life been dumped then gotten back together with someone. It's not what I do. But he seems worth it. There have been lots of discussions because it's one thing to gamble with my heart but harder when Harper's heart is involved too. It's amazing what mature conversations I can have with her. Overall I am hopeful of what's to come and I am hoping this is the next right thing.

Looking Back at 2019
Every year I chose a word and try to be mindful of the word throughout the year. For 2019 the word was "MORE". There was definitely more.

• More adventures! Utah, Chicago, and England were some of our faves
• More changes. A new job, teaching at UNF,  and reapplying to grad school
• More loss like our friend Harold 
• More friends having babies for me to love on
• More new experiences like dating and breaking up and dating again
• More framily, family and friend time
• More love from all our favorite people
• More of the unexpected like home repairs
• More growth like Harps learning to read, first dance recital, and first soccer season

Looking Forward to 2020
For 2020 I am choosing the word "CONNECTED". I want to be more connected to what I am doing. I want to break up with my phone. I want to be connected to how I am feeling and how I am taking care of my body. I want to focus on my connections to the people I love and care for. I want to build better connections in my new role at work. If I've learned anything from all the more it's that there's no way to truly appreciate it all without being connected.  I loved 2019 and am really looking forward to what 2020 adds to our lives.

Entry 73: The Next Right Thing

Two blogs in two days, someone must be emotional!

Anyways..

It's crazy how a kids movie can speak to you at just the right time. The same thing always happens when I go to church after struggling. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today because I was afraid I'd be a crying mess. However, we did get out of the house to see Frozen 2 with friends and it was just like church. The message was loud and clear!

I remember feeling silly shortly after Brian died that a song from the Trolls movie became our anthem. Today I don't feel silly at all. Not one bit. Right in the middle of Frozen 2, there is a song about grief. I'm sitting there with two other adults who have experienced loss and three children who have all lost their dad.

Anna sings,
"The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb"

Um Disney!! What are you doing to us??

Then,
"The grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

I MEAN COME ON!!!!

Then get this!
"And with the dawn, what comes then?
When it's clear everything will never
be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear the voice
And do the next right thing"

What a powerful message!!! The next right thing. How easy that makes it all sound and feel??  It breaks down grief into a manageable process. All you have to do is the next right thing.

I so feel this applies to so many things in life. Frustrated by something at work? Do the next right thing. Heartbroken over a breakup? Simple, do the next right thing which is DEFINITELY NOT sending a text about how much the person hurt you even if it's tempting. That clearly would not be the next right thing, duh!  Not sure how to solve a bigger problem that seems impossible? Don't worry, Anna says just do the next right thing.

I'm a solver and a fixer. I like to be fine. I like for everything to be good, solved, and happy. I HATE feeling down. So I like to get through the yucky stuff as fast as possible. But I'm not always in control. GRRR!

But here's the hope. Today is the first day of Advent. And one of the Advent candles is HOPE.
The song says,
"Hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

The next right thing for Harper and me is finding the joy of advent. Actively seeking is. Not letting go of the hope. Praying for peace and pouring all of the love we have for the people in our lives. The people who ALWAYS help us when the grief gets heavy again. I know in the grand scheme of things this will all seem minor at some point. However, I am beyond grateful Some Things Never Change (another good song from the movie) like our people. My parents immediately came to our rescue. They filled our time with errands, Uno Flip, new Christmas lights, new PJs for Harper, and whipped cream. After the movie I walked in to the house to find flowers from them! I'm grateful for besties who check in and text often. I am thankful for the forever friends that take me on Christmas adventures full of belly laughs that make you forget sadness. I am thankful for Disney and their magic that hits real, raw emotions and creates songs that you immediately know all the words to and listen to on repeat.

Tonight on this first Sunday of Advent, we put our shoe in the window (a family tradition) so the elf (not the shelf kind) can come and add to the magic of Christmas with tiny prizes that will make an almost 6 year old happy and hopeful for the season to come. Can't wait to just do the next right thing!

Love all you people!

Entry 72: It's a Sad One

My heart really hurts right now. Breaking up always sucks, but sucks times 10 the first time you're in love after your husband dies. Sucks even more when there are kids involved. Sucks worse when you were sure this was a long term thing. Sucks even more this time of year even though I don't think any time of year would be better. (Don't say sucks, it's a bad word. Sorry Mom.)


I got really good at being independent and leaning on my friends and only needing Harper the first two years after Brian died.  Then I started dating and let people in. It's nice to have someone care about your day to day life and to spend time with. I know I will be okay eventually, but GOSH THIS IS TERRIBLE. It's hard to see Harper experience another loss. She was really close to his daughter and the idea of not seeing her anymore makes Harper so sad. I hate that my dating life has an impact on her and is another loss for the both of us.

It may seem weird to post about a breakup in a blog, but it's better than telling everyone individually and being sad every single time. This clearly isn't what I wanted, but I know with time, this will heal and I will look back and be thankful for what the relationship taught me. But right now my heart just hurts, a ton. I wish Brian was alive, I didn't have to date, I had his unconditional love, and there were more Newton babies in the world.

For now, I will love on my baby and lean on my friends/family and get through this heartbreak too.

Entry 71: Life Update!

So life has been great lately. Like really super good. I haven’t posted as much not because grief isn’t still very real, I think I’ve just learned more ways to manage it or the moments of memories just make my heart super happy.
So here's a life update.

First, I love my new role as Assistant Principal. It’s challenging. It’s stretching me. It’s

requiring me to learn new skills. But it’s fun. And rewarding. And I still get to sneak in teaching and model some lessons for willing teachers which makes my heart so happy! Not having all the days off teachers get for hurricanes takes some getting used to but seriously I love the job and all that comes with it. Grad school for Educational Leadership starts in spring!

Second, I have a boyfriend! I never thought dating would feel easy, and I definitely never imagined my life looking like it does now.

Everyone, meet Josh. He’s amazing. He understands grief. Like totally gets me and lets me talk about Brian and asks questions and even handles Harper’s random “my dad died on my third birthday” conversation starters. Also, Harper LOVES him. She has named him Dot and will accept no other names for him. I’m in serious shock when she hits her head and goes to him for comfort even though I’m in the same room. Like that couldn’t make my heart happier. Josh has his own kids which has also made Harper and me super happy. We love spending time with them. He just fits. And not in a replacing, filling a void way, but in and enhancing and fulfilling new way.

Third, Harper loves kindergarten. The second day of kindergarten, drop off was totally rough. Morning extended day involved being dropped off in a large and cold multipurpose room. Needless to say Harper wasn’t feeling it and maybe or maybe she chased me out of the room 6 times and we were both crying by the end of it. Have no fear, Brent and Katie have totally rescued us. Every morning Harper gets to spend time with the Bechtolds and have a happy send off to school which includes big hugs and secret handshakes.

So overall life if good. Like super happy, super good. We had fun celebrating Brian's birthday with the lightning squad and a full house. Also it's Fall! Excited for all the fun it brings!

Entry 70: Kindergarten Eve

Dang it! I didn’t think kindergarten was gonna get to me! Went to meet the teacher with mom last week and ran into some besties who got emotional but I didn’t. Then tonight, the night before first day hits and I’m a mess! 

Of course milestones make me miss Brian but this one most of all so far. He would be so head over heels in love with this child we made. He always wanted a kid that could talk back. A five year old was right up his alley. She’s hysterical. And bright. Has the most random thoughts and likes the craziest things. She’s creative and a problem solver. She also crawled around on the ABC rug at meet the teacher day, crawling to each letter in her name rather than responding to the teacher’s questions. It’s fine! It’s totally normal! She’s a creep! 

It’s like Suzy said in a text tonight, “He would’ve been crazy and all her classmates would know and love him.” It’s so so true. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Harper  will rock kindergarten. I also know I am capable doing all of these milestones with my girl! I just wish he got to do them too. Not because I need him but because they are awesome. She is awesome. And gosh darn it he was so the most awesome dad. I mean he might’ve tried to fight anyone if Harper came home and reported that they hurt her feelings even if it was a 5 year old. He definitely would have taught her many more crazy phrases than she uses right now and probably some pretty inappropriate ones. And I would have definitely had to elbow him and try to get his inappropriate meter in check in the halls of an elementary school. But he should be here. He should get to see this spunky little joy walk into class and have her ask for one more hug at least 10 times. Maybe he would’ve even carried her in upside down. Right Mary? 

I’m so excited to share my tiny human with the big new world of elementary school. I’m excited for her to love learning. I can’t wait for her inventive writing and for her to continue to develop her love of numbers. I hope her social intelligence and life experiences make her the kindest little kindergartener there ever was! So if I cry tomorrow it’s not because I’m worried about her, it’s because I wish her was here to hold her hand, towering over everyone, then being an emotional mess like the little softie he was for his baby! 

Entry 69: Doors Opening

Continuing with my mom's theory that my life never stays calm I have exciting news. Friday morning I signed my new contract. I am now going to be the Assistant Principal of the Deaf Middle School where I have worked as a teacher for the past 11 years.

Let's rewind. In May when driving back to work from a counseling appointment, my boss asked to speak with me. I thought I was in trouble. Ha! She said they needed someone to fill in temporarily in the role of Assistant Principal for the last month of school and asked me to do it. For like a split second, I was tempted to say no because I was starting my online teaching job with UNF and felt
overwhelmed, but of course in true Karen fashion, I said yes. I started my first meeting with my peers saying, this is just temporary. I don't want this job permanently. I am not ready to leave the classroom. Welp! Turns out I was wrong. I have loved leading such a strong group of teachers. I have loved interacting with even more students. I have love seeing my circle of influence grow. So when the position was posted, I applied. It felt like a door was opened right in my face and I had no choice but to run through it excitedly even if it meant not getting it and continuing my teaching job that I love.

This blog is supposed to focus on grief and life after Brian so what does this have to do with it?  Well when big things like this happen, I just want to know what Brian is thinking! Would he think this is crazy? Would he love it? Would he make jokes about how now I can never win Teacher of the Year? I just want to know what he would say!!! Just like a life without Brian was never what I expected, a life not being a teacher is a weird feeling too! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what this new position adds to my life but it is also a weird new identity. Widow, Professor, Single Mom, Assistant Principal all within 2.5 years. EEK! But here I go, approaching it with joy!

Entry 68: Things End

Things end. And even when things are supposed to end, it’s still hard when it does. My relationship has come to an end. Not for any bad reasons. It just didn’t work. I know breaking up is the risk of dating again, but gosh does it open up grief and just make me miss the hell out of Brian. If he was here I wouldn’t have to do this. Instead I’d be fighting him because I told him how to drive for the billionth time or arguing about who gets to take Harps to school.

Even before any of this break up garbage, life has felt so abnormal lately and I just want normal. I can’t even define what that is. But I want to crawl into a blanket of normal and wrap up in it and let it comfort me. It’s so hard when seeking this comfort of normal and it’s nowhere to be found and you don’t even know where to begin to look.

Everyone talks about finding the new normal after a loss and if I’m honest I feel like normal is a fleeting concept. There have been stages in the past almost two and a half years where things get normal for a period of time, but these periods have never lasted. That’s hard for a control freak like me. 

But even though I can’t find normal and what I wouldn’t give to have Brian give me a wonderful thunder jacket hug, I choose thankful. Gosh how unbelievably thankful am I for the relationships that remain in my life. People who have loved on me and fulfilled every promise made to Brian about loving his girls. I’m thankful for my mom and dad being here, constantly present, constantly available physically and emotionally. I’m thankful for living in a small town and making amazing connections with people that my daughter would literally go pack a bag and move in with other families if I said yes. I’m thankful that Harps and I have our big trip to visit Grandma in England on the horizon to look forward to. I’m thankful that I couldn’t participate in national best friend day on social media because I have too many people that I consider my besties. Most of all I’m thankful that I have the chance to live this beautiful, far from normal life. And I get to do this with my people and my amazing little girl.

Entry 67: VPK Graduation? HOW???

Life has been hectic lately. The kind where mom says, "Is your life going to slow down and be normal at some point?" The answer to that is probably not. I have started dating (WHAT? OMG! NOWAY!), started teaching my online college course, and took on some additional duties and responsibilities at work. And oh yeah, I am planning a summer camp too. My mind is constantly going.

 I haven't written one of these in a really long time. Not because I am not experiencing grief, I think it is more that it has just become a natural, normal everyday part of life that there isn't a big aha moment to share.

That being said, Harper's grief has become much more visible. Before you say AWWWWW and have a huge pity party for her, for the most part it seems like she is displaying it in healthy ways. However, I didn't realize that even watching The Little Mermaid wasn't safe. We have seen the movie 100 times but when she got to the end this week and King Triton was waving Ariel off after her wedding, Harper started sobbing! Like full on ugly cry. That scene made her miss her daddy. She talks about him daily and loves learning new facts about him. Thanks to The Lego Movie 2, she now knows who Radiohead is and knows it was one her daddy's favorites.

This week Brian would be so in love with all things Harper. So although I don't cry while watching her VPK graduation or her nailing her dance rehearsal (nailing is used loosely here because it's like watching cats on parade), I do feel sad for what he's missing. We created this really awesome kid who is a ham just like him.  Who is brave and kind. Who is silly and sometimes inappropriate. Who is so curious and so in tune with her surroundings. I also wish he was here to celebrate our sweet Adaline Jean turning two or his original baby, Madison graduate from high school. I am so thankful that my people continue to show up and support me. They continue to pour love into Harps and me. I am immeasurably thankful that my parents live so close by and are so involved in our everyday lives.

As far as dating goes, Brian ruined me. He trained me to expect ridiculous amounts of quality time that may be impossible in any relationship. But I think he would be super happy with how his baby is being treated.

I would still give anything to have him back but for now, I will stare at my VPK graduate and wonder how the heck did I get so lucky to create this soon-to-be kindergartner.(Also please note the weird way Harper holds her mouth while wearing lipstick! I love it!)

Entry 66: No No No

Sometimes life is the worst. As I prepared for an amazing trip to Utah with friends, I forgot something at the house and turned around to get it. When I saw a lot of my best friend next door on a Thursday

morning, I knew something was going on. I Well, I got the news that my friend and neighbor Harold died prematurely. As I hugged Michelle his wife just saying no no no and held her face my heart broke. As I hugged her 13 year old daughter and told her I’d always be here my heart cracked more. The heaviness is insane. I don’t want any more people to join the young widow club. It’s not right. The community around this family is strong and generous and so multi-faceted that I have no doubt that everyone will make it through it even though no one will get over this. But as I sit here on this plane crying my eyes out next to a stranger, I feel crushed. Crushed for a life ending too soon. Crushed that I have to tell my daughter that another important  male in her life is gone too soon. I’m crushed for his babies. There’s no right age to lose a dad but seven and thirteen is too young or too old or just not right! I’m crushed for Michelle who I know will be stronger than imaginable. Who will navigate this grief with a badassness that she always possesses. I’m crushed for his best friends. I’m crushed for everyone effected by the ripples of this loss, who had to find out today, who were involved in any way.

It was an impossible decisions but our group made the choice to still head to Utah because we know the family is surrounded. It’s hard being so far away when I just want to be present. We also felt that Harold would want us to come. He loved hiking. So while out here I’m committed to appreciating the life I get to live. Remembering all the good about Harold. Grieving. Loving everyone close to me even more than I already do. Finding the beauty even in the common things of life.

I know I’m struggling to understand the purpose behind such heavy and sudden loss. Maybe there’s a reason I moved next door to the Skids. Maybe there’s a reason I’m supposed to be out here in Utah so I can come in as the second wave of support. Maybe there is a peace I’m supposed to find out in nature. I don’t know. All I know is that crushing blow is tough on everyone involved. I know this loss will be felt. I know people will show up and continue to show up on the days, weeks, months and years to come. 

I would love to see the interaction of Brian meeting Harold for the first time and thanking him for being so good to Harper. For excitedly giving her Christmas presents that he picked out himself. For ignoring a football game in order to play with her in the pool for hours even when I wouldn’t. For stepping up to take care of us by mowing the yard the day we moved in, randomly fertilizing my yard just because he was doing his, or just thanking him for sitting and having a glass of wine with me on my driveway while the kids played. I’d also love to see Brian give him shit for Harold wearing lightning bolt leggings during our hurricane party and actually thinking they were comfortable or tying up his lightning bolt tank for Cancer Smash and rocking it! 

I know I don’t get to understand the why. and I can’t make the heaviness disappear. But I do know that I get to witness again the overwhelming goodness of people. The insane generosity of a community. The amazing resilience of little kids. The fierceness of a widow doing whatever she can for her family. The grace of a community. And I get to be reminded to truly tell everyone exactly what I love about this every day and all the time. 

Entry 65: Two Years

My brain can’t really comprehend that it’s been five whole years since I had Harper. I think back to 5 years ago and just love the feeling of how close Brian and I were. He was all about this baby. We were finishing binge watching Breaking Bad. We were hopeful and so excited for the future ahead. When I would experience unexplained anxiety while pregnant he would thunder jacket me and just hold me as tight as possible.

I am not going to lie this past month has been TOUGH!  How has it been 2 years since Brian died? I need that thunder jacket more than ever. For the last four days my physical anxiety has been through the roof. It’s in my chest. It’s disrupting my sleep! And the things I do that work to ease it aren't helping and I just want that thunder jacket hug from my man.

Saying all that, we are so beyond blessed. We had a magical unicorn party with school friends then our adult friend. When our house is full my heart is so full even if I’m not engaging and just observing. Harper looked at me multiple times during her party and said, “This is the best birthday ever!” She is so grateful and knows just how much she is loved. Grandma got her a bounce house and GeGe and Bampy got her a cake that made her face light up.  As I hugged her at the end of the night I looked down at her and right in the middle of her new unicorn shirt that she had worn all day was a tiny stitched lightning bolt. I didn't notice it when we bought it or when I got her dressed in the morning, but there it was staring right at me at the end of the day right when I needed it.

Here is a quote our cousin shared with me this week: “The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.
How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering.
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”~ Francis Weller

I am in no way calling myself mature. We know how stupidly excited I get about otters, feeding animals, and children’s events. However I do believe grief and gratitude go hand and hand. I’m sitting here at 6:30 this morning even though I took the day off reading all of the kind things I screenshotted during our 11 days in Hospice. I’m crying my eyes out but also thinking how thankful I am for the community that didn’t only support us then but continues to day in and day out.

As I sit here tonight I am thankful for the lightning squad that filled my house to celebrate Harps and to love on me. I have so much gratitude. These people are hurting right along side me but stay there to support us through it all. My parents have been such a huge support too. I can't even begin to describe how thankful. And poor them! They get the brunt of my stress and anxiety even though it's not about them at all.  I sit here INSANELY thankful for an amazing gift I received today that made me cry so hard I almost threw up. Brian was the KING of surprises and bringing home prizes. My friends today showed up with a phone for me knowing how much I wanted portrait mode. They said they knew if Brian were alive he would have already given this prize. So world, be ready for those pictures for #fiveacious.

Right now I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to laugh. I feel like a crazy person even though I guess that's what you're supposed to feel like the day your baby turns 5 and 2 years after her amazing daddy leaves this place. I am thankful for my people. I appreciate everyone who reached out today. I appreciate how much my baby is loved on. She doesn't even realize how good she has it but I sure see it. Everyone fulfilling those promises to Brian and really nurturing his girls. So as I continue to ride this wave and be stretched by the gratitude and grief I carry, I am thankful. I feel loved. And I just can't imagine how happy Brian would be to see the people around us. 

Entry 64: It’s Here Again

I don’t know why I don’t prep for this month. I think I’m also focused on the holidays then on Harper’s birthday/the anniversary of Brian’s death, but I forget about this week.

My heart just feels heavy.

I find myself cooking dinner listening to my sweet baby play and make up all sorts of stories in the play room and I find myself crying at the sink doing dishes.

Yesterday my heart got even heavier. My friend’s husband died at a young age. She has two young boys. My heart feels heavy for all they will have to experience and face in the years ahead. Even though I’ve been there I just keep thinking, “I can’t imagine!” I feel stuck like I don’t even know what to do to support her. Weird right? After going through if I thought I’d be a pro. 

My heart is heavy for friends experiencing divorce and huge life changes.

My heart feels heavy because my besties have boyfriends and I just want Brian to meet/harass them.

My heart feels heavy for reasons I can’t even put my finger on.

But then I read my journal and realize what a tough week this was 2 years ago. I also think I typed a blog  on this day last year too.Today was the day I finally convinced Brian to go to the hospital to get some relief. Sad pictures show up on my Timehop of my man looking very sick. It makes sense that my body remembers this heaviness even if I’m not expecting it. Then I read this old January 10th blog http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2018/01/entry-50-january-10ths.html?m=1 and realize it wasn’t only 2 years ago but lots of January days during this week.

 I miss companionship. I miss my person who cared the most. I miss not having to be 100% responsible for all things.

But you know what’s insane. God knew just what I needed yesterday. It’s like he’s stalking me just like my phone and my Instagram ads. As I try to self sabatoge and convince my parents to meet me for pizza, my mom gently reminds me how much better I’ll feel if I just eat healthy. As I walk up to the gym, my friend/coach is standing outside with a hug and listens to me be a basket case. As I’m eating dinner my bestie Dani texts me as if she can read my brain. And at the end of the night right before I fall asleep, I receive a text from a church friend whom I rarely text who said she saw me across church Sunday and I am a radiant person who lights up a room with my joy and life and love. I mean how much did God know I needed to hear that?!

So as I sit with my heavy heart and in my grief and in this stuck place of not knowing what I need or what to do for others, I hope what she said is true. I hope I can be that person. I have a lot to look forward to: celebrating Harper turning 5 with a magical unicorn party, going back to the mountain house with our people, taking a trip to Utah to see some of Brian’s favorite hiking places and places I visited as a kid. I have the whole year ahead to do new things, take more risks, and continue to enjoy just how good my life is. But this week I still give myself grace. Sit in the heaviness. Try not to eat pizza.  Remember my man who truly brought so much joy. And be thankful for our creation who begs to sleep with me every night, won’t say hi to my friends, but says “I miss Daddy” at just the perfect times.