Entry 47: Ten Months

Really this blog should be titled "A Lesson in Slowing Down". Today marks 10 months since losing Brian and it is almost unbelievable that it has been that long. So much has happened.

I already wrote about losing Fletcher. In every sad event I try to look for the lesson. With Brian passing, we have learned so much. How to love others, the kindness of friends, family and strangers, and just how important life is. These are just a  few of the lessons taken away from that. But honestly there are a million and I know in my heart of hearts there was a bigger purpose for his passing. I am still really struggling to find the purpose in Fletcher's death. Life has gotten a little easier because Macy and Bella are so chill and easy going, but man do I miss Fletcher's awesome snuggles and fluffy ears. In the beginning I was really mad because his loss was so purposeless. I still have yet to find the new lesson but I am way less angry.

Last Sunday, after a great day at Disney with my mom and dad, I drove home ready to start a new week. 20 minutes from home, I crashed my car on 95. I am not giving too many details, not because I don't share the bad, but because it isn't smart for insurance purposes to put it all out here. As I pulled over and called 911, I was shaking. When I hung up a sweet voice from the backseat said, "Mommy, what did they say?"  Harper, myself, and the other driver were completely fine. I was shaken, but fine. The deputy who came to help was beyond kind and helpful.  Tori came to pick me up, my parents drove up to help out, and I have awesome insurance that provided a rental car. Now with this accident, I see the lesson. I need to SLOW DOWN. This is super hard for me. Everyone knows I keep my schedule insanely full. I like it that way. Brian and I were busy but I have taken it to a whole new level. It normally makes me feel fulfilled. The Friday before my wreck, I stayed in because Harper was sick. It was the longest stint I had been at home in a long time. When I laid in bed at night, I cried. A loneliness enveloped my body. It is a different kind of lonely...a kind that feels permanent. The next day was the amazing Cancer Smash event at the gym that gave me all sorts of feels. Afterwards we laid low with the neighbors. That night, although I was surrounded by people all day, the same kind of loneliness hit. I am searching for fulfillment that I think only Brian can provide. So it's tough. Although I was not on my phone during the time of the accident, I have been known to use my phone while driving. The phone has become a space filler for me since Brian passed. It is an addiction that I am not excited about and would like to limit. It's a goal for me.This bring us back to the lesson from this crash is big. It is to SLOW DOWN and be present. It doesn't mean I won't use my phone, but definitely not in the car and definitely WAY less than I do currently. I know it won't happen over night.  I also  know pushing pause will have me face to face with the hard feelings even more than I already am. I know that is part of the healing but it isn't easy and it is super hard to schedule grief knowing how it will make me feel.

Now we can't end with sad and hard so let's talk about our magical trip.  The accident messed up my plans to drive to North Carolina to have an early Thanksgiving with all of Brian's cousins and his Aunt.  I was supposed to drive but no longer wanted to do the 7 hour journey alone with just Harps. As I sent the sad text letting them know we wouldn't be able to make it, Debbie and Beff did the nicest thing ever, they bought us plane tickets.  To say the trip was magical is an understatement. First, there was FALL. I mean yellow leaves, gorgeous weather, and trees with changing colors.

There was family. Harper doesn't even need a second before she is asking Debbie for snacks or pulling Beff's hand to come play. There is family and nice nightly chats. There are animals! Dogs, chickens and a horse! There was a big family gathering with stuffing and the most delicious pecan pie. Harper lit up when seeing her cousins. I love traveling with her because I get to see just how good she is.  I have all of this love in my life because of Brian. This is Brian's family but what is most awesome is that it is my family too. A place where Harper and I are insanely spoiled, we feel completely comfortable and we get to do new things like ride a four-wheeler, a first for both Harper and myself. Vacations are the best because they force me to slow down. There is no to-do list and I didn't even have a car. We spent hours outside running hills and enjoying fall. It was magical.

So as I practice slowing down, I know it won't be easy. I know I am going to face all the ugliness of grief. I also know I won't be perfect. I am so thankful that no one was hurt in the accident, that my car is repairable and that I still got to go on my trip. There is so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Even though my favorite turkey won't be here with us, he has provided so many things I am thankful for, especially Harper.

Entry 46: Award of Excellence

Today I had a very special honor. The Florida Educators of the Deaf and Hard or Hearing board decided to rename their annual teacher of the year award to the Brian Newton Award of Excellence in Education of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. And this year, they presented the award to Brian through me.



Raise your hand if Brian has ever called you the wrong name? Raise your hand if Brian has ever shoved a microphone in your face during a presentation?  Raise your hand if any embarrassing pictures of you have showed up in one of his presentations? This is how his boss, Carm, started her speech about Brian. Brian's job had him traveling the state meeting with different teachers from all over and often presenting. He always showed ridiculous pictures of me especially if he knew I was going to be in the audience. Carm showed these and pictures he would use of Harper.  I was prepared to see ridiculous example pictures of me, but when Carm projected pictures of Fletcher, I was caught off guard.  Carm's speech highlighted "Work Brian". I would say professional Brian but we all know he always danced on the line of professionalism. She called him the tension breaker and sometimes the tension maker. Most of all she pointed out his ability to make each and every person feel special and the joy he got from doing so.

Let's rewind 20 minutes. I was sitting at the conference table waiting for it to all start. I read through the brochure and saw the amazing tribute they paid to Brian in the back. The booklet was packed full of lightning bolts and at the end had the reason they named the conference "Lighting Up the Field of Deaf Education."  A woman came and sat down next to me. When she got to that page she said aloud, I didn't know Brian died. And I looked at her and said, "That's my husband." She was surprised and gave me a hug. Then she explained how she had lost her husband suddenly and then was diagnosed with cancer. She went on to explain how Brian comforted her during this time. I am not surprised Brian was supportive, but what I love most about this story is the fact that I don't even know all the lives Brian has impacted. I am not going to lie. In the beginning when Brian and I started dating, it was super hard for me that he made EVERYONE feel special. I mean isn't your girlfriend supposed to be the most special. This quality that caused discussions and jealousy took a little bit of getting used to, but once I realized it's what made Brian so remarkable, it's one of my most loved things about being in a relationship with Brian. I know I've mentioned it before, but Brian got amazing service from the medical profession, partly because we went to an awesome practice, but also because he made a point to interact with each and every single person. It did not matter if you were the chief of staff at Memorial Sloan Kettering, the top brain surgeon at UF, or the cleaning person at Baptist South, you all got the same treatment. That's a gift and he used it everywhere.

Carm's speech couldn't have been more perfect. I gladly accepted the award on Brian's behalf. I am sure he would have a ton to say about the fact that he won Teacher of the Year in his third year teaching and has now won it again before I ever have. It was such an honor and I love to know that from here on out there will be a recipient of the Brian Newton Award of Excellence every year!

Driving home I am not going to lie, I bawled. Probably the biggest cry I have done in a while.  There were just so many emotions. While scanning radio stations "It Is Well with My Soul" happened to be on. This song is special to me. It is the song I blared in Hospice minutes after Brian died. I bawled some more. Then if these emotions weren't enough, the vet called to tell me Fletcher's remains were ready to be picked up. Well CRAP!  When deciding to get Fletcher cremated, it just made sense so I didn't have to deal with his body because come on! That is definitely a dad job.  But now that I have to pick up his remains, AHHHHH! First of all, I can't show Harper the special box because she is way too smart and would wonder how he fit inside and cremation is not something I would love to explain to my three year old. Also it felt terrible carrying our dog out of the vet that way. I want to carry the real him. So after a few more tears shed, I found a good hiding spot in the house until I take him to Brian at the grave.

Although filled with many tears, overall the day was beautiful. Again how amazing to have a man that was so loved by so many that he gets to be recognized in such a way. How amazing that he had such a big personality that there is no way to meet him and not know him!  I miss him. Something
fierce. Like the kind of miss that when you are driving over the Bridge of Lions after dropping Harper off two days ago and you see a young college couple holding hands, you cry unexpectedly. I want to hold his hand. I want him to receive this award and then insult the ones who gave it to him. I want to attend the conference with him where he is excited to introduce me to every woman he flirts with regularly.  I miss the companionship, the laughter, the unexpected and the physical contact. I miss that man!

Thank you FEDHH and thank you Carm for such an amazing tribute to an amazing person even if he was stubborn ;)