After being a complete emotional mess last week, I had a busy, friend-filled weekend with only one breakdown. Those involved saw it coming from a mile away and I have apologized. They love me no matter what. So I am lucky. I learned that apparently someone who loves to be around people all the time like I do, does actually need a few moments at home to regroup.
That being said all weekend I found myself wishing for more time. I want more time with Brian. I want him to be there to make the jokes that were left waiting to be said. I want him there to enjoy the tiny, silly things Harper does. I want him there to hug me when I am feelings too emotional. I want him there to make even simple decisions with me or even for me.
I want more time to reflect and remember all the tiny details of him, of us, of his relationship with Harper. I am so so afraid the clarity of these memories will slip away.
I want more time to play with Harper. To actually disconnect, ignore my needs to be done list and just play.
I want more time to hang out with all the people I love. I want time to just sit and relax with them, love on their families, and just be.
I want more time to do the things that need to be done. I want time to pack stupid lunch (my least favorite Mom job).
Time holds such a different meaning to me these days and my priorities have shifted. I truly value the time people invest in my family. I am grateful for time with friends who sit and laugh way too hard at SnapChat with you on a Friday night. Who go and get your gas for the grill when is runs out as the steaks go on the grill. I am thankful for the time that Brian's physical therapist gave me toby responding to a text about Harper's neck and taking the time to check in a few days later as well. I am grateful for the time with the friends who truly make you feel like family. Who fill your car with amazing kids so you can sing along to Disney songs and laugh at Harper's adorable karaoke skills then get you some sweet shrimp beads from the Mardi Gras parade. I am thankful for time with friends who let you take over their kitchen to make mediocre food and who help you on your elusive bacon hunt even if your mood leaves a lot to be desired. I am thankful for time with sorority sisters-- even though the time between the last real hang out was more than 8 years ago-- that make you feel welcomed and comfortable immediately. I am thankful for the time in church when a very active 3 year old took a nap on her Momma's chest. I am thankful for the time Harper and I spent with Grandma resting Harper's neck and doing some lesson plan making during a busy weekend. I am thankful that God takes time to listen to my needs.
After this weekend, I clearly needed more time. Time at home, time to check the mail, time to fold laundry or organize something. Although it took my poor baby being miserable with a hurt neck. I was given the gift of a little extra time this weekend when out of necessity I took Monday morning off to be with Harper and take her to the doctor. These few hours in the morning were exactly what I needed to feel refreshed and ready for the week.
I am thankful for time with my Mom this week. Not only do I get time with her, I get guilt-free time to spend a little longer at the gym. I get an extra 20 minutes in the morning because she drives Harper to school. She gives the gift of time to the people who have been so busy helping me. I get time to play or talk on the phone or time to type a blog.
I appreciate when my pastor takes his time to call me and make me laugh on a Tuesday night.
I am thankful for friends who help me shave Fletcher because that was a "Brian job" and I was just making up how to do it. I swear Fletcher loves his new look! He is a trendsetter.
Although this time without Brian is sad and bittersweet and at times just so gut-wrenching. I am so so so so so so so so so thankful that I got time with him. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with even though that life was shorter than we had planned on. This time can never be taken and is what makes time without him so emotional. I am so thankful for the kind of love we had. I am blessed to have this time now to appreciate the important things and reprioritize. I get to take the time to tell Harper how awesome her Daddy is and make sure she holds tight to those memories. I get to use my time to give back and tell people just how thankful I am. By the way....I got an amazing gift this week that will be impactful for a long long time. For that I couldn't be more appreciative. We all have time. I am happy to have a better understanding of how to spend mine.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Entry 12: This Week is ROUGH
So before you read you need to know, I need you to do nothing differently than what you have already been doing. This blog is meant to be my therapy and not to get attention or more pity. So read on, but do NOT feel like you need to be doing anything different. (Did I say that already?) (Read this whole previous paragraph with a sweet voice in your head)
This week is rough. And when I say rough I mean really tough emotionally. I am generally a happy person. Sure I get in an occasional funk but 48 hours is probably the longest it has ever lasted. Welp we are going on hour 71 of my current grumpfest. I am either grouchy or sad or both at the same time. I have less tolerance for things that bother me. I know this is bad and isn't how to handle things but I don't feel it's not controllable at this point. I stink at being sad. I am not good at it. I fortunately do not have much practice. I constantly feel like crying or not being at work even though I love my job. My kids are great, when I am teaching I feel good and distracted. They make me laugh. My boss told me how silly they are in the cafeteria and that their personalities are back and she attributes that to my return to school. All of this I love, but I am still just grouchy. Last week when I felt a little down, exercise endorphins gave me the pick me up I needed. So I was hoping for that today. Although during the workout I forgot that I was grumpy or my grouchiness was aimed at burpees instead, I still cried on the way home, like immediately after. I held Harper in the kitchen because she asked me to and cried hard. Then she lost it. GAH! ROUGH STUFF. I feel like being a single mom gives me less time to hang out with her and she is the best part of my day. Part of this is due to the exercise and cooking but this is what is making me feel good. I should also note I get in bed to wind down about 30 minutes after she does. But still...I just want to play dollies and hear the conversations she has with them. Today a dolly asked for yogurt and the other doll, Jasmine, told her "Mommy already said no." (That really happened with Mommy and Harper). Ha!
**I should note that Harper has been incredible! Happy, a good listener, loving on all the friends especially the guys. She needs to learn how to say goodbye or hello to people that love her or want to talk to her but we are working on it. But overall, my princess-loving smartypants is happy as can be.
My diet has a calendar that tells you how you will feel on day 1, day 2, etc. It is super beneficial. Today I am on Day 10....as you can see called the HARDEST days. This is not true diet wise but definitely is grief wise. I need the Grief 30 calendar to warn me of what is coming next. I do know everyone experiences grief differently and at different times, it would still be a nice concept. I should note that just now while typing this, I realized it has been 30 days since Brian died. Isn't that interesting!?
In all of this grouchiness the thing I want is Brian. When I was grouchy in my room during planning, I heard a man's voice and for a split second thought it was him flirting...I mean joking with someone in the hallway. It would always cheer me up when he would stop by my room at work. I miss those little things. I cried and couldn't get through the song I sing to Harper from my sorority days (don't be so shocked that I was in a sorority!) at bed time last night. Luckily she picked up where I left off. Even my "safe" show the Bachelor made me freaking cry this week. I haven't even touched This is Us this week. I am smarter than that. Nothing specific is on my mind making me sad. I can't pinpoint a detail or something triggering my sadness. And I think that's the tough part. No one can offer a fix. No one can take it away. I don't even know what I need so there's no point in even asking. I know this will pass but since I have been transparent all along, I figured I should put it down somewhere. I love you all and do hang on to the littler joys and big blessings that come our way daily. In closing, refer to paragraph 1. ;)
This week is rough. And when I say rough I mean really tough emotionally. I am generally a happy person. Sure I get in an occasional funk but 48 hours is probably the longest it has ever lasted. Welp we are going on hour 71 of my current grumpfest. I am either grouchy or sad or both at the same time. I have less tolerance for things that bother me. I know this is bad and isn't how to handle things but I don't feel it's not controllable at this point. I stink at being sad. I am not good at it. I fortunately do not have much practice. I constantly feel like crying or not being at work even though I love my job. My kids are great, when I am teaching I feel good and distracted. They make me laugh. My boss told me how silly they are in the cafeteria and that their personalities are back and she attributes that to my return to school. All of this I love, but I am still just grouchy. Last week when I felt a little down, exercise endorphins gave me the pick me up I needed. So I was hoping for that today. Although during the workout I forgot that I was grumpy or my grouchiness was aimed at burpees instead, I still cried on the way home, like immediately after. I held Harper in the kitchen because she asked me to and cried hard. Then she lost it. GAH! ROUGH STUFF. I feel like being a single mom gives me less time to hang out with her and she is the best part of my day. Part of this is due to the exercise and cooking but this is what is making me feel good. I should also note I get in bed to wind down about 30 minutes after she does. But still...I just want to play dollies and hear the conversations she has with them. Today a dolly asked for yogurt and the other doll, Jasmine, told her "Mommy already said no." (That really happened with Mommy and Harper). Ha!
**I should note that Harper has been incredible! Happy, a good listener, loving on all the friends especially the guys. She needs to learn how to say goodbye or hello to people that love her or want to talk to her but we are working on it. But overall, my princess-loving smartypants is happy as can be.
My diet has a calendar that tells you how you will feel on day 1, day 2, etc. It is super beneficial. Today I am on Day 10....as you can see called the HARDEST days. This is not true diet wise but definitely is grief wise. I need the Grief 30 calendar to warn me of what is coming next. I do know everyone experiences grief differently and at different times, it would still be a nice concept. I should note that just now while typing this, I realized it has been 30 days since Brian died. Isn't that interesting!?
In all of this grouchiness the thing I want is Brian. When I was grouchy in my room during planning, I heard a man's voice and for a split second thought it was him flirting...I mean joking with someone in the hallway. It would always cheer me up when he would stop by my room at work. I miss those little things. I cried and couldn't get through the song I sing to Harper from my sorority days (don't be so shocked that I was in a sorority!) at bed time last night. Luckily she picked up where I left off. Even my "safe" show the Bachelor made me freaking cry this week. I haven't even touched This is Us this week. I am smarter than that. Nothing specific is on my mind making me sad. I can't pinpoint a detail or something triggering my sadness. And I think that's the tough part. No one can offer a fix. No one can take it away. I don't even know what I need so there's no point in even asking. I know this will pass but since I have been transparent all along, I figured I should put it down somewhere. I love you all and do hang on to the littler joys and big blessings that come our way daily. In closing, refer to paragraph 1. ;)
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Entry 11: I Miss Him
As I sit here grading essays because that's what teachers do on their day off, I am listening to the music playlist of Brian's songs that Zak made. Hope students like papers that come back a little saltier than when they were turned in. Even though my day was filled with happy--I chased babies around the nursery and hugged the ones who missed their parents. I went to my happiest of all places, the beach! My friend since I was one and his awesome wife hosted me and cooked me dinner that was compliant with my new eating deal--tonight I cry. I just freaking miss him. I stare at the beautiful canvas on my wall of our family and think...How? How is he gone? I know how, but it makes me sad. The permanence is the hardest part. One of the songs that came on while I was grading was "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse.
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here
I have no regrets. I wouldn't have changed a single thing. All that needed to be said between the two of was said. I just wish there was a way to have more time. To store in my brain all the little things. I wish my memory was better so I could be sure to pass on every detail for Harper. I wish I could hold his face.
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here
** I also wish I had tomorrow off of work!
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Entry 10: It Takes a Village
So how am I coping you may ask. By controlling the things I can. I just completed day 6 of the Whole 30 eating challenge introduced to me by Suzy and Trey and also worked out 5 of the 7 days this week at DriV Fitness, my CrossFit gym. I also keep my days pretty busy including my return to work on Wednesday.
I say all this so that you will praise me! I am KIDDING..I can't believe everyone keeps praising me for my crazy thoughts. In all seriousness, I tell you this to show you that NONE of this would be possible without my village.
So, Brian drove Harper to school everyday because it doesn't open until 8 and I start teaching at 8. What was I going to do now when I return to work? I didn't want to change Harper's life anymore than necessary. I didn't want to rip her from her safety net of school. The one constant she has had since she was 13 months old. We love her little school and the people in it. The loyalty I feel is intense. Don't worry. MARY to the RESCUE!! One of Harper's teachers from her one-year-old room and now our best friend has offered to take Harps to school everyday. EVERYDAY! Did I mention that Mary only has to be at work 3 days a week at 8ish, but is still willing to drive Harper daily. Not only does she chauffeur Harps, she spoils her and loves on her and makes her life better simply by being in it. Simply incredible.
Second, the gym. It brings me insane happiness and control. It doesn't matter if I thought squatting 70 pounds was awesome than the person next to me does 135. The good thing is I never know how much the bar weighs with all the weights on...shoot I cannot even add up my own bar....and secondly it don't matter cause I still feel like a badass even if I modify everything. First of all, I was gifted two free months thanks to some pretty amazing people! But just imagine trying to take a 3 year old who LOVES the word Mommy to the gym while you are trying to do some crazy workout. A child that said Mommy roughly 6,000 times in an hour period when I tried taking her with me on Tuesday. This may be fine if you were working out with a close group of friends. But I did not like feeling we were interrupting other people's happy place. So how was I able to work out so much this week? Did I torture the other gym goers? NO! Don't you worry. My friend Tori picked Harper up from school so I could work out at 4:15 after work, and then she could go to the 5:30 class and we could do pass off at the gym. Did I mention how much the gym does for my emotions and stability?!?! This sanity was made possible by my village. One more example....I was driving to go workout this morning. Harper had a backpack of toys, a cooler of snacks, and a bribe for a Panera muffie if she only said Mommy one time during the workout because surely Saturday there would be other kids to play with. I drive into the parking lot and wave to Katie as she is leaving from the morning class. She rolls down her window and magically I am driving her car to park and she is taking mine, with my muffie-needing love to Panera and her house! I mean seriously?!?! '
Third, my classroom. I went back to work this week. It is weird to do something as normal as working. Students flooded me with love. Students I haven't even taught yet wrote me beautiful notes and kind words. My students were happy to have me back. However, thanks to Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, my class functioned while I was gone. Whether it was lesson planning, taking papers home to grade, or making sure my students didn't take advantage of the sub, she did it all. She even had all my copies made for the day I returned so that I could walk in and teach without prepping a thing. A true blessing! And an amazing member of the village.
In my village there is literally someone for everything. I need financial advice... there is someone's brother-in-law and someone's close friend who all know how to connect me with the right people. I am starting Whole 30 and cannot find the one and only type of bacon that is allowed. There is a Suzy to the rescue with bacon and emergency bars to get me through the week, along with some great dish washing to help me from being overwhelmed and quitting before I even start. Some people don't even realize they're helping! I forgot to prep one meal. This is bad when you are on a strict meal plan. But then there is your friend Rachel who you remember posted a taco seasoning recipe on your Facebook and VOILA! you have chicken fajitas in no time.
In my village there are church staff, including the pastor, who check in regularly not because they have to but because they truly care. There is someone connected to a band who has the band call you out and sing you a special song because you are out for the first time in a long time at their concert. There is a mother-in-law who willingly babysits so you can go to the show. There is someone who brings you Panera and just hangs and chats while you do your daily chores. There is someone who leaves a chair on your porch for your daughter just cause he passed it and thought she needed it. There is a brother and sister-in-law who send you gorgeous flowers because of the tough transition/return to work. There is someone who knows someone who works at the Social Security office so you can go knowing you are in good hands. There is someone who takes you on kayaking adventure through the mangroves on trails with no end. There are your best friends who allow you to spend every Saturday at their house and just be your true and total self. There is framily who spend Valentine's day with you and help turn the gas on for the grill and finish cooking the burgers because grilling was a Brian job. There is a donor who gives generously multiple times even though you don't really know each other. There are parents who would pack a bag and hit the road in record time the second you asked. There is a former friend from your college days who works for a non-profit telling you to fill out an application for an all expense paid trip for families impacted by cancer. There is a Hospice provided grief counselor who makes you feel validated for how you are handling it all.
One more thing that really needs to be mentioned. Brian always surprised me when we were dating and married. Then when Harper was born he would surprise us both. I need to mention that the tiniest "prize" brings me great happiness. You can blame my family's trips to minor league baseball games where the give-aways were our big excitement or our family's excitement over cereal box treasures growing up. Whatever the reason, I loved Brian's prizes. Brian would never wait for the big holiday or the expected time for these prizes. If he saw something he thought we would love or needed he would bring it home. He would always present the gifts in the craziest ways too. He would show up with Toy Story figures because your friend's kid had them when we saw them on vacation in NC. But Harper's are even more special because Daddy gets out a marker and writes Harper's initials on the feet just like Andy did on the movie. There was a time I wasn't allowed in the garage for over a week because he was painting me something I had pinned on Pinterest. I got a dachshund umbrella from California just because. New running shoes again because he stalked my Pinterest. I love to look around Harper's room and see the reminders of Brian, the surpriser and champion prize giver. So those of you in the village who continue to send surprises such as cards, notes, gifts cards,a box full of sunshine, an origami owl necklace with some great symbolism, a home sewn skirt, a giant lollipop, amazing books or farm nail art for Harper, and a box fill of mermaid outfits, know that you are constantly reminding me of Brian's giving heart and it brings me a lot of joy. Makes my heart smile. (THIS IS NOT ME ASKING FOR THINGS! Just want you to know how Brian shows up everyday)
So when you say, DANG! Karen is strong (emotionally, in case you needed clarification because I said CrossFit. HA!), remember that I alone am not strong. It is my village who gives me my strength. Without them where would I be at this stage in the grieving process? You should also know that this "strong" Karen was brought to tears by a song from Trolls. Seriously...a song from an upbeat kid's movie.
As much as the village is appreciated. It is hard. Throughout our cancer journey, we have always relied on people. We had to call on people for help. We had to ask for support in many different areas. This time it is different. When I reflect with a grateful heart I also hurt a little. It makes me realize the permanence. In the previous years, there was always and end in sight to the help needed. It would be like okay....village member A will drive Harper to school every day this week but then Brian will be better and the need for help with end. Or mom and dad will come for this week of chemo but then will have 2 weeks off before they're needed again. This time there is no set time period for when the need for help will cease. For someone who strives to be independent this is a harsh reality. If I stick to strict independence it would mean no working out unless Harper was ready to play independently. It would mean switching schools and changing a constant in Harper's life. Some of you may be thinking of solutions such as me moving or my parents moving up here. This would go against my ingrained need for independence (wonder where Harper gets this from?! Weird!) It is hard for me to ask for help. I worry people will continue to say yes to me out of obligation. They will do things and extend themselves beyond what truly works with their schedule just to help me out. That is tough for me.
So I say THANK YOU to my village. To everyone who continuously DOES/SERVES my family. Know that even if it is hard for me, and I feel you say yes because you have to, I love you all! My newest challenge is to balance the asking for help while maintaining independence and not suffering from extreme guilt.
One day at a time...
I say all this so that you will praise me! I am KIDDING..I can't believe everyone keeps praising me for my crazy thoughts. In all seriousness, I tell you this to show you that NONE of this would be possible without my village.
So, Brian drove Harper to school everyday because it doesn't open until 8 and I start teaching at 8. What was I going to do now when I return to work? I didn't want to change Harper's life anymore than necessary. I didn't want to rip her from her safety net of school. The one constant she has had since she was 13 months old. We love her little school and the people in it. The loyalty I feel is intense. Don't worry. MARY to the RESCUE!! One of Harper's teachers from her one-year-old room and now our best friend has offered to take Harps to school everyday. EVERYDAY! Did I mention that Mary only has to be at work 3 days a week at 8ish, but is still willing to drive Harper daily. Not only does she chauffeur Harps, she spoils her and loves on her and makes her life better simply by being in it. Simply incredible.
Second, the gym. It brings me insane happiness and control. It doesn't matter if I thought squatting 70 pounds was awesome than the person next to me does 135. The good thing is I never know how much the bar weighs with all the weights on...shoot I cannot even add up my own bar....and secondly it don't matter cause I still feel like a badass even if I modify everything. First of all, I was gifted two free months thanks to some pretty amazing people! But just imagine trying to take a 3 year old who LOVES the word Mommy to the gym while you are trying to do some crazy workout. A child that said Mommy roughly 6,000 times in an hour period when I tried taking her with me on Tuesday. This may be fine if you were working out with a close group of friends. But I did not like feeling we were interrupting other people's happy place. So how was I able to work out so much this week? Did I torture the other gym goers? NO! Don't you worry. My friend Tori picked Harper up from school so I could work out at 4:15 after work, and then she could go to the 5:30 class and we could do pass off at the gym. Did I mention how much the gym does for my emotions and stability?!?! This sanity was made possible by my village. One more example....I was driving to go workout this morning. Harper had a backpack of toys, a cooler of snacks, and a bribe for a Panera muffie if she only said Mommy one time during the workout because surely Saturday there would be other kids to play with. I drive into the parking lot and wave to Katie as she is leaving from the morning class. She rolls down her window and magically I am driving her car to park and she is taking mine, with my muffie-needing love to Panera and her house! I mean seriously?!?! '
Third, my classroom. I went back to work this week. It is weird to do something as normal as working. Students flooded me with love. Students I haven't even taught yet wrote me beautiful notes and kind words. My students were happy to have me back. However, thanks to Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, my class functioned while I was gone. Whether it was lesson planning, taking papers home to grade, or making sure my students didn't take advantage of the sub, she did it all. She even had all my copies made for the day I returned so that I could walk in and teach without prepping a thing. A true blessing! And an amazing member of the village.
In my village there is literally someone for everything. I need financial advice... there is someone's brother-in-law and someone's close friend who all know how to connect me with the right people. I am starting Whole 30 and cannot find the one and only type of bacon that is allowed. There is a Suzy to the rescue with bacon and emergency bars to get me through the week, along with some great dish washing to help me from being overwhelmed and quitting before I even start. Some people don't even realize they're helping! I forgot to prep one meal. This is bad when you are on a strict meal plan. But then there is your friend Rachel who you remember posted a taco seasoning recipe on your Facebook and VOILA! you have chicken fajitas in no time.
In my village there are church staff, including the pastor, who check in regularly not because they have to but because they truly care. There is someone connected to a band who has the band call you out and sing you a special song because you are out for the first time in a long time at their concert. There is a mother-in-law who willingly babysits so you can go to the show. There is someone who brings you Panera and just hangs and chats while you do your daily chores. There is someone who leaves a chair on your porch for your daughter just cause he passed it and thought she needed it. There is a brother and sister-in-law who send you gorgeous flowers because of the tough transition/return to work. There is someone who knows someone who works at the Social Security office so you can go knowing you are in good hands. There is someone who takes you on kayaking adventure through the mangroves on trails with no end. There are your best friends who allow you to spend every Saturday at their house and just be your true and total self. There is framily who spend Valentine's day with you and help turn the gas on for the grill and finish cooking the burgers because grilling was a Brian job. There is a donor who gives generously multiple times even though you don't really know each other. There are parents who would pack a bag and hit the road in record time the second you asked. There is a former friend from your college days who works for a non-profit telling you to fill out an application for an all expense paid trip for families impacted by cancer. There is a Hospice provided grief counselor who makes you feel validated for how you are handling it all.
One more thing that really needs to be mentioned. Brian always surprised me when we were dating and married. Then when Harper was born he would surprise us both. I need to mention that the tiniest "prize" brings me great happiness. You can blame my family's trips to minor league baseball games where the give-aways were our big excitement or our family's excitement over cereal box treasures growing up. Whatever the reason, I loved Brian's prizes. Brian would never wait for the big holiday or the expected time for these prizes. If he saw something he thought we would love or needed he would bring it home. He would always present the gifts in the craziest ways too. He would show up with Toy Story figures because your friend's kid had them when we saw them on vacation in NC. But Harper's are even more special because Daddy gets out a marker and writes Harper's initials on the feet just like Andy did on the movie. There was a time I wasn't allowed in the garage for over a week because he was painting me something I had pinned on Pinterest. I got a dachshund umbrella from California just because. New running shoes again because he stalked my Pinterest. I love to look around Harper's room and see the reminders of Brian, the surpriser and champion prize giver. So those of you in the village who continue to send surprises such as cards, notes, gifts cards,a box full of sunshine, an origami owl necklace with some great symbolism, a home sewn skirt, a giant lollipop, amazing books or farm nail art for Harper, and a box fill of mermaid outfits, know that you are constantly reminding me of Brian's giving heart and it brings me a lot of joy. Makes my heart smile. (THIS IS NOT ME ASKING FOR THINGS! Just want you to know how Brian shows up everyday)
So when you say, DANG! Karen is strong (emotionally, in case you needed clarification because I said CrossFit. HA!), remember that I alone am not strong. It is my village who gives me my strength. Without them where would I be at this stage in the grieving process? You should also know that this "strong" Karen was brought to tears by a song from Trolls. Seriously...a song from an upbeat kid's movie.
- "I really hope I can do it because they're all depending on me"
- "Just riding on a rainbow, I'm gonna be okay"
- "Hey!
I'm not giving up today" - "And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again" - "What if it's more than I can take
No I can't think that way 'cause I know that
I'm really really gonna be okay"
As much as the village is appreciated. It is hard. Throughout our cancer journey, we have always relied on people. We had to call on people for help. We had to ask for support in many different areas. This time it is different. When I reflect with a grateful heart I also hurt a little. It makes me realize the permanence. In the previous years, there was always and end in sight to the help needed. It would be like okay....village member A will drive Harper to school every day this week but then Brian will be better and the need for help with end. Or mom and dad will come for this week of chemo but then will have 2 weeks off before they're needed again. This time there is no set time period for when the need for help will cease. For someone who strives to be independent this is a harsh reality. If I stick to strict independence it would mean no working out unless Harper was ready to play independently. It would mean switching schools and changing a constant in Harper's life. Some of you may be thinking of solutions such as me moving or my parents moving up here. This would go against my ingrained need for independence (wonder where Harper gets this from?! Weird!) It is hard for me to ask for help. I worry people will continue to say yes to me out of obligation. They will do things and extend themselves beyond what truly works with their schedule just to help me out. That is tough for me.
So I say THANK YOU to my village. To everyone who continuously DOES/SERVES my family. Know that even if it is hard for me, and I feel you say yes because you have to, I love you all! My newest challenge is to balance the asking for help while maintaining independence and not suffering from extreme guilt.
One day at a time...
Monday, February 13, 2017
Entry 9: Back to Normal?
Here is a real life situation to show how things have been lately. Driving home with Harper in the car she asks, "Did Daddy come to my school?" I asked her who dropped her off every day in which she responded Daddy. I said, "You're right! I miss Daddy." She asked, "Are you sad?" I said, "Not right now." She laughed then told me, "You cannot cry!" I asked, "Why?" She said, "Because I told you." (HA!) I said, "Yea but why did you tell me I can't cry?" Harper says, "You have cried enough." If only that were true. I guess when I say I miss Daddy to her I am almost always crying.
Things have been continuing to move forward. Time seems incredibly fast! Like super duper fast. The sadness hits me even more unexpectedly. I am just sad cause I want him here. It's as simple as that. It's not a certain activity, a certain time of day, a certain mood, etc. It is just any time. I miss Brian. Period.
That being said, I LOVED being a wife to him. Like really really loved it. Now, I really enjoy being a mom to Harper. This stay at home mom gig hasn't been too bad either. Do 5 errands that make me feel productive while Harper is at school, workout in the middle of the day, then still have energy to try a new recipe for dinner and build a blanket fort. However, this stay at home mom business ends Wednesday morning. Again I will use the word bittersweet. I love my job. Going back means returning to "normal" which I know is the next step but still feels weird. It means going back to the place we met. Going back to little reminders around my classroom of him. Going back to see people that I haven't seen since it all happened. Going back to my students who I LOVE so much but who probably got used to some bad habits while I was gone. It is a bit overwhelming although I know once I am with the kids I will absolutely love it. Even my kindergarten self knew how much I would love being a teacher. Look what mom found in her filing cabinet.
So as I countdown to the return to being a teacher I like to be thankful. A year ago today we were with a ton of friends having a party to celebrate Brian's life. I am so thankful for that day. I am thankful for the pictures, the joy, the memories, the tattoo reveals, the re-reveal of the wedding tux. So today as I reflect, one big thing Brian was sad about was that he felt he wouldn't be able to provide for us when he died. I wish he could know just how much he does! Today I had a meeting with Social Security. I told the worker our whole story, how we met, the brief 5 minute summary of our cancer journey all without a tear to be seen. Then she told me the amount Harper would receive monthly and I cried. I just cried. And said wow probably 92 times. Harper will receive a survivor's benefit that will be more than enough to pay for her school every month as well as extra-curriculars or college savings. Talk about a relief. Brian will provide until she is 18 and beyond (if I save properly). Today, I also used an old gift card from Brian that I had hoarded because I love massages so much. I got a massage. And for an hour I laid, and prayed, and did that weird half sleep dream about weird things thing. When I left I smiled and was so thankful to be able to use a gift from him to relax and feel good. Again he provided a relief and some sanity.
So tomorrow I will use my last day at home to not set an alarm, kayak with my friend, exercise for my sanity, and have dinner with my friends. Oh and I will open all this awesome mail that arrived today! And surprise Harper with a fun gift. I will still cry when I am sad and continue to tell Harper that it is okay to cry when we are sad. I will continue to look for the good and remember the love. I will continue to feel abundantly blessed by my village. I will continue to move forward even though I would given anything to go back. I love you all!
Things have been continuing to move forward. Time seems incredibly fast! Like super duper fast. The sadness hits me even more unexpectedly. I am just sad cause I want him here. It's as simple as that. It's not a certain activity, a certain time of day, a certain mood, etc. It is just any time. I miss Brian. Period.
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| I made this bad boy in Kindergarten and yes my Mom still has it! |
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| I love this picture! Look at GeGe! |
So tomorrow I will use my last day at home to not set an alarm, kayak with my friend, exercise for my sanity, and have dinner with my friends. Oh and I will open all this awesome mail that arrived today! And surprise Harper with a fun gift. I will still cry when I am sad and continue to tell Harper that it is okay to cry when we are sad. I will continue to look for the good and remember the love. I will continue to feel abundantly blessed by my village. I will continue to move forward even though I would given anything to go back. I love you all!
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Entry 8: The Plan
I am a planner. I like to plan everything. My day, a mermaid party, lessons for my classroom. I am such a planner that Harper now says, "Mommy, here's the plan." Whoops! So looking at my life, falling in love with a best friend....not in the plan. Becoming a widow (that word. UGH!) at 33...definitely not in the plan. Single mom....never ever a part of the plan. Cancer taught me a lot about letting go of the plan. Don't get me wrong I still plan my week, my meals, as much as I possibly can. But I learned to let go..well at least a little.
Yesterday the plan was the drop Harper at school, swing by the post office to mail two things, drop off a plate at the DMV and head to lunch with a friend. Dropped off at school...check. Got to the DMV. Forgot the post office. One of my packages was a shirt Brian had made. After his doctor went on vacation to London, Brian had a shirt made that said, "Dr. Bubis went to London and all he got me was this lousy shirt." He of course wore it into the office. I thought it would bring a smile so I thought I would send it. Since I missed the post office and needed to pick up a form anyways I went away from the plan and stopped by the office. I had anxiety riding in the elevator. Of course I shouldn't have. I got the warmest welcome. The best hugs from everyone, and questions from people who totally care. I am so thankful for them and in a weird way will miss them all. I am happy that I skipped a step of the plan and added this stop into my day. Although Cancer Specialists of North Florida won't be in my plans anymore, I am so happy I was there. It was good for my heart.
Also, when I was struggling with anxiety last night and it's 1:30 and I was still awake, it was not in the plan for Harper to wake up. On the monitor I hear her calling my name and look up to see her standing up. This is not like her. So I go in. She reaches up and says, "Your bed." Now my plan was to not let Harper sleep in my bed because she needs routines, consistency and honestly I need to watch trash TV. But since I was awake and wanting someone to hold, off to my bed she went. Again...two times in one day I am totally abandoning the plan!?!?! However, when she turned over, rested her cheek on my face then wrapped both arms around my neck to sleep...WORTH IT. Screw the plan!!! This is exactly what I needed to calm the anxiety and get to sleep.
Knowing cancer changed my plans again doesn't make me mad. But dangit! Every day is harder than the one before it. How am I doing? Honestly I say I am okay. But everything is bittersweet. Great trip to Disney...yay! Brian not being there...tears. Disney treating us with insane care and generosity..awesome but I wish they didn't have a reason to. Dancing with Harper all over the living room while she wears a Cinderella dress (obviously) and we blare music loud enough for neighbors to hear....the smile on her face warms my heart as it breaks a little more. Things I typically enjoyed just aren't as enjoyable even if they are things that didn't have Brian involved. I am functioning, and thanks to amazing friends (Thanks Cat!) I was able to go back to CrossFit today which did my body and mind so much good. So I am okay. I am sad. I am in love with the child we made together. I am constantly supported. And I am continuing to plan but being more and more okay when the plans change.
Yesterday the plan was the drop Harper at school, swing by the post office to mail two things, drop off a plate at the DMV and head to lunch with a friend. Dropped off at school...check. Got to the DMV. Forgot the post office. One of my packages was a shirt Brian had made. After his doctor went on vacation to London, Brian had a shirt made that said, "Dr. Bubis went to London and all he got me was this lousy shirt." He of course wore it into the office. I thought it would bring a smile so I thought I would send it. Since I missed the post office and needed to pick up a form anyways I went away from the plan and stopped by the office. I had anxiety riding in the elevator. Of course I shouldn't have. I got the warmest welcome. The best hugs from everyone, and questions from people who totally care. I am so thankful for them and in a weird way will miss them all. I am happy that I skipped a step of the plan and added this stop into my day. Although Cancer Specialists of North Florida won't be in my plans anymore, I am so happy I was there. It was good for my heart.
Also, when I was struggling with anxiety last night and it's 1:30 and I was still awake, it was not in the plan for Harper to wake up. On the monitor I hear her calling my name and look up to see her standing up. This is not like her. So I go in. She reaches up and says, "Your bed." Now my plan was to not let Harper sleep in my bed because she needs routines, consistency and honestly I need to watch trash TV. But since I was awake and wanting someone to hold, off to my bed she went. Again...two times in one day I am totally abandoning the plan!?!?! However, when she turned over, rested her cheek on my face then wrapped both arms around my neck to sleep...WORTH IT. Screw the plan!!! This is exactly what I needed to calm the anxiety and get to sleep.
Knowing cancer changed my plans again doesn't make me mad. But dangit! Every day is harder than the one before it. How am I doing? Honestly I say I am okay. But everything is bittersweet. Great trip to Disney...yay! Brian not being there...tears. Disney treating us with insane care and generosity..awesome but I wish they didn't have a reason to. Dancing with Harper all over the living room while she wears a Cinderella dress (obviously) and we blare music loud enough for neighbors to hear....the smile on her face warms my heart as it breaks a little more. Things I typically enjoyed just aren't as enjoyable even if they are things that didn't have Brian involved. I am functioning, and thanks to amazing friends (Thanks Cat!) I was able to go back to CrossFit today which did my body and mind so much good. So I am okay. I am sad. I am in love with the child we made together. I am constantly supported. And I am continuing to plan but being more and more okay when the plans change.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Entry 7: Sadness is Sneaky
So week one after losing Brian, my life was jam packed and my to-do list was a mile long. I like a really good to-do list that can be checked off. People were all around and life was busy. A good kind of busy. Now that it's week two life has settled a little more. There is more down time even though I am still chipping away at the to-do list and my best friend/mom is still here. Now that things are slowing down however, sneaky sadness is creeping in. For example, I can be playing in Harper's room and she is being exceptionally cute then I get sad because of what Brian is missing. I know he is fine...more than fine where he is. But I am sad for what I am missing with him. This makes me cry. I cry and Harper asks me are you sad? When I say yes she asks, are you a little bit happy?
Another example, I like sorting things. I did awesome with my piles for keep, sell, donate. I started with the garage. Nothing had sentimental value. Shirts that had been in the attic for 5 years didn't make me sad. A weight bench that was never used and just took up room in the garage...not attached. Tshirts...easy to decide which ones are for the quilt, which ones I could save to wear to bed, which ones I would save for Harper, and which ones didn't hold a deeper meaning to give away. No problem. Start on the closet...BAM...sadness is there. There is no reason to be attached to a Nautica polo, but when Brian wore it weekly to work there is more attachment. Before you start yelling at your computer saying "KAREN, YOU ARE DOING THINGS TOO FAST!" or "SAVE ALL THE THINGS!" rest assured I have set aside the important ones. I have saved my favorites. I am not making rash decisions. I just didn't realize sadness would be hiding in the closet. I just want someone to wear and love these clothes.
Oh another place sadness likes to sneak into is the TV! Of course This is Us makes you cry every week. But how many shows deal with relationships...all of them! How many shows revolve around families....ALL of them! I can't stop watching TV cause then I would be thinking way too much! But man oh man! Sadness sneaks in. Again, I don't want you to feel pity. I am so so so lucky to have had the love that is this hard to lose. I knew sadness would come. I just didn't realize how sneaky and unexpected it would be.
There are even times when happy and sad are mixed together. In 2015, my brother gave Harper a Chewbacca Build-a-Bear that had a recording of Brian singing Edelweiss in the hand. So one morning in Hospice when I would wake up at 4:30 and think, I had the idea to record Brian's voice so Harper could make a bear after he was gone. With the help of Zak, the recording was made. "Harper, I will love you forever." Also in Hospice my mom requested the lullaby Brian and I would sing to Harper. I started recording myself and Brian joined in unexpectedly. I have it saved on my phone and was able to record that for the bear as well. Lastly, we sent voice messages to Harper from Hospice telling her we loved her. So today, Harper got to pick her bear. It was adorable and not sad for her at all. She loved it and the Daddy bear is now named Bolt, or Girly, and dressed like Cinderella. What I wasn't prepared for was laying her down for nap and then hearing Brian's voice in the baby monitor. My heart was happy and sad simultaneously.
There is also pure happiness in everyday. I am not just sitting around sad all day. Today Harper went to the doctor for her 3 year checkup. Both the nurse and the doctor were incredible and made me feel good about my parenting. Harper makes crazy facial expressions that make me laugh. People that do not know me go above and beyond what is expected of them to help out. I rearrange my house with the new gifts I have been given and it feels like a happy sanctuary. I sleep on Brian's side of the bed and instead of it making me sad it brings me comfort.
I know sadder days are yet to come and I have a whole lot more grieving to do. But I will hold on to the happy and enjoy the little things.
Thank you everyone for the support, donations, kind words, special gifts and prayers. Again I appreciate how strong everyone thinks I am but truly I am just doing whatever feels right. I love you all!
Another example, I like sorting things. I did awesome with my piles for keep, sell, donate. I started with the garage. Nothing had sentimental value. Shirts that had been in the attic for 5 years didn't make me sad. A weight bench that was never used and just took up room in the garage...not attached. Tshirts...easy to decide which ones are for the quilt, which ones I could save to wear to bed, which ones I would save for Harper, and which ones didn't hold a deeper meaning to give away. No problem. Start on the closet...BAM...sadness is there. There is no reason to be attached to a Nautica polo, but when Brian wore it weekly to work there is more attachment. Before you start yelling at your computer saying "KAREN, YOU ARE DOING THINGS TOO FAST!" or "SAVE ALL THE THINGS!" rest assured I have set aside the important ones. I have saved my favorites. I am not making rash decisions. I just didn't realize sadness would be hiding in the closet. I just want someone to wear and love these clothes.
Oh another place sadness likes to sneak into is the TV! Of course This is Us makes you cry every week. But how many shows deal with relationships...all of them! How many shows revolve around families....ALL of them! I can't stop watching TV cause then I would be thinking way too much! But man oh man! Sadness sneaks in. Again, I don't want you to feel pity. I am so so so lucky to have had the love that is this hard to lose. I knew sadness would come. I just didn't realize how sneaky and unexpected it would be.
There are even times when happy and sad are mixed together. In 2015, my brother gave Harper a Chewbacca Build-a-Bear that had a recording of Brian singing Edelweiss in the hand. So one morning in Hospice when I would wake up at 4:30 and think, I had the idea to record Brian's voice so Harper could make a bear after he was gone. With the help of Zak, the recording was made. "Harper, I will love you forever." Also in Hospice my mom requested the lullaby Brian and I would sing to Harper. I started recording myself and Brian joined in unexpectedly. I have it saved on my phone and was able to record that for the bear as well. Lastly, we sent voice messages to Harper from Hospice telling her we loved her. So today, Harper got to pick her bear. It was adorable and not sad for her at all. She loved it and the Daddy bear is now named Bolt, or Girly, and dressed like Cinderella. What I wasn't prepared for was laying her down for nap and then hearing Brian's voice in the baby monitor. My heart was happy and sad simultaneously. There is also pure happiness in everyday. I am not just sitting around sad all day. Today Harper went to the doctor for her 3 year checkup. Both the nurse and the doctor were incredible and made me feel good about my parenting. Harper makes crazy facial expressions that make me laugh. People that do not know me go above and beyond what is expected of them to help out. I rearrange my house with the new gifts I have been given and it feels like a happy sanctuary. I sleep on Brian's side of the bed and instead of it making me sad it brings me comfort.
I know sadder days are yet to come and I have a whole lot more grieving to do. But I will hold on to the happy and enjoy the little things.
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| This made me feel so good! |
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