It has been a year and half. Such a long time. The more time that passes the farther away Brian feels. Although we still talk about him daily, he seems so far.
So what is grief like now?
There was one late night last week when I just missed him so I decided to look back at pictures. I went through his Instagram. I knew he always bragged about Harper on there but I didn't realize how much he also gave me love. So that night I had a real good cry. I am so thankful for social media and the reminders of his love and words.
Sitting in church today I almost cried again. Music gets me and I just miss him.
Grief is weird because I don't cry as long or as often but I still miss him like crazy. The cries feel great but also remind me just what I am missing. I know so many other people think about him all the time too and that fills my heart. Harper talks about him constantly with her own very specific memories. She also cries for him but mostly only when she is already crying for being in trouble. (Manipulative like her Daddy!)
Here's what I miss:
- His physical presence. His tough. His hugs. His spot on the couch.
- His spontaneous ridiculousness whether it be Facebook poems/hacks or just wild inappropriateness at any given time.
- Harper having her Daddy and sharing the amazingness of what we create together with him.
- Filling him in on the daily details of life that no one else really cares about.
Here's what I am thankful for:
- Our lives are INCREDIBLY blessed. We've been so busy this summer making memories, having fun, going on trips, and making all of our own decisions.
- My people! I love the people in my life and am so thankful for all they give to us.
- That my mom and dad live here! It's been amazing!
- I've said this a million times, but I am thankful that I have a love so good that it's so hard to be without it.
- Our story, Brian's story still impacts people. Someone recently reached out and shared that because of my transparency they are able to help someone going through a tough situation. It makes me feel good to know there is still purpose. I mean I have learned SO much but I love that it still reaches others. Here's a little bit of what she texted, "and even though I kept up with your journey from afar, I feel like somehow God used your story to help me love on her and support her." She went on to say, "So I wanted to share and remind you that your story has such a ripple effect!!!! Sending you love today."
How amazing is that? How can I feel too sad when this is what is still happening a year and a half later?
Here are things I wonder:
- How can I make sure I never forget all the tiny little details of Brian?
- What does he see and know now?
- What does our future life look like?
- What is going on in the NFL (he always told me all the things)?
- What would he make fun of me most for right now?
Love you all!
