Entry 74: Connected

When looking at my top 9 from my year, it's so clear that my life continues to move on but Brian is always a huge part of it. Looking at these Best 9 most liked photos is such a snapshot of all that was my life before and continues to be my life now. I see Brian through it all. I see the commitment of his friends to love us through everything and always be there for us. I see family memories and traditions that continue. I see a sweet sweet girl who continues to grow and reminds me of her dad constantly. And I see new people we've added to our lives.

Update: The last two blogs were break up blogs. Well, Josh and I are working it out. He texted about a week later saying he was an idiot and got scared of how good things were (of course this is the simplified version).  I have NEVER in my life been dumped then gotten back together with someone. It's not what I do. But he seems worth it. There have been lots of discussions because it's one thing to gamble with my heart but harder when Harper's heart is involved too. It's amazing what mature conversations I can have with her. Overall I am hopeful of what's to come and I am hoping this is the next right thing.

Looking Back at 2019
Every year I chose a word and try to be mindful of the word throughout the year. For 2019 the word was "MORE". There was definitely more.

• More adventures! Utah, Chicago, and England were some of our faves
• More changes. A new job, teaching at UNF,  and reapplying to grad school
• More loss like our friend Harold 
• More friends having babies for me to love on
• More new experiences like dating and breaking up and dating again
• More framily, family and friend time
• More love from all our favorite people
• More of the unexpected like home repairs
• More growth like Harps learning to read, first dance recital, and first soccer season

Looking Forward to 2020
For 2020 I am choosing the word "CONNECTED". I want to be more connected to what I am doing. I want to break up with my phone. I want to be connected to how I am feeling and how I am taking care of my body. I want to focus on my connections to the people I love and care for. I want to build better connections in my new role at work. If I've learned anything from all the more it's that there's no way to truly appreciate it all without being connected.  I loved 2019 and am really looking forward to what 2020 adds to our lives.

Entry 73: The Next Right Thing

Two blogs in two days, someone must be emotional!

Anyways..

It's crazy how a kids movie can speak to you at just the right time. The same thing always happens when I go to church after struggling. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today because I was afraid I'd be a crying mess. However, we did get out of the house to see Frozen 2 with friends and it was just like church. The message was loud and clear!

I remember feeling silly shortly after Brian died that a song from the Trolls movie became our anthem. Today I don't feel silly at all. Not one bit. Right in the middle of Frozen 2, there is a song about grief. I'm sitting there with two other adults who have experienced loss and three children who have all lost their dad.

Anna sings,
"The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb"

Um Disney!! What are you doing to us??

Then,
"The grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

I MEAN COME ON!!!!

Then get this!
"And with the dawn, what comes then?
When it's clear everything will never
be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear the voice
And do the next right thing"

What a powerful message!!! The next right thing. How easy that makes it all sound and feel??  It breaks down grief into a manageable process. All you have to do is the next right thing.

I so feel this applies to so many things in life. Frustrated by something at work? Do the next right thing. Heartbroken over a breakup? Simple, do the next right thing which is DEFINITELY NOT sending a text about how much the person hurt you even if it's tempting. That clearly would not be the next right thing, duh!  Not sure how to solve a bigger problem that seems impossible? Don't worry, Anna says just do the next right thing.

I'm a solver and a fixer. I like to be fine. I like for everything to be good, solved, and happy. I HATE feeling down. So I like to get through the yucky stuff as fast as possible. But I'm not always in control. GRRR!

But here's the hope. Today is the first day of Advent. And one of the Advent candles is HOPE.
The song says,
"Hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

The next right thing for Harper and me is finding the joy of advent. Actively seeking is. Not letting go of the hope. Praying for peace and pouring all of the love we have for the people in our lives. The people who ALWAYS help us when the grief gets heavy again. I know in the grand scheme of things this will all seem minor at some point. However, I am beyond grateful Some Things Never Change (another good song from the movie) like our people. My parents immediately came to our rescue. They filled our time with errands, Uno Flip, new Christmas lights, new PJs for Harper, and whipped cream. After the movie I walked in to the house to find flowers from them! I'm grateful for besties who check in and text often. I am thankful for the forever friends that take me on Christmas adventures full of belly laughs that make you forget sadness. I am thankful for Disney and their magic that hits real, raw emotions and creates songs that you immediately know all the words to and listen to on repeat.

Tonight on this first Sunday of Advent, we put our shoe in the window (a family tradition) so the elf (not the shelf kind) can come and add to the magic of Christmas with tiny prizes that will make an almost 6 year old happy and hopeful for the season to come. Can't wait to just do the next right thing!

Love all you people!