Entry 45: Nine Months

During the entire cancer experience I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of why me. Neither was Brian which was remarkable. I know it would be easy to say why us? We just fell in love and had the love of our life. Why me? We truly never felt that. And for some reason it almost felt like there was a purpose of some sort in all of the craziness.

Well yesterday was Brian and my 5 year wedding anniversary and the first wedding anniversary that he wasn't here to celebrate with me. Leading up I wasn't too upset about the day coming up. My emotions have been pretty level. I had a great night the night before with a fantastic group of new friends who really make me feel loved and cared for instantly. Brian and I never did anniversaries big. We celebrated with small gifts but Brian surprised me randomly all year long to celebrate our love. It was one of my favorite parts about him. He was the best at random, unexpected surprises. And he got so much joy from surprising me. He also LOVED to surprise Harper. She could mention a character or show she liked and immediately he'd come home from work with Daniel Tiger figures for her to play with. We were spoiled regularly and randomly. So the anniversary wasn't dreaded.
Day of, as I was reflecting a little and washing dishes I won't lie, I thought to myself if a friend of mine loses a loved one I am sending surprises on their anniversary cause that would be fun. The next thing I know Tori walks in with a bouquet of flowers. I mean as I'm scrubbing the dishes she walks in with them. Amazing! Then the day took a terrible turn. The dogs were out back which is totally normal and we some friends came over so we did a dog inventory just in case because I never remember who I let in and out and when. There are THREE of them for goodness sakes. Well we search the backyard and Bella is on the opposite side of the fence, Macy is in the yard and Fletcher is no where to be found. We search for hours along with all the kids in the neighborhood. Fletch is nowhere. He is what I like to call super lost.

It has been almost 36 hours and there hasn't been a single sighting of that dog, Brian's dog. He had a seizure earlier this week which landed us at the emergency vet. Bloodwork all came back normal and he was acting fine later but now this has me worried. Seriously, on our anniversary, HIS dog has to go missing. Now I am SCREAMING WHY ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve. To show me to kindness of others. I get it! I have been experiencing the insane kindness of others for 4 years now. Don't get me wrong, I feel insanely grateful for the people who are thinking and acting as I sit here paralyzed by sadness, worry and fear. I am thankful for my neighbors who happen to be police officers who take me cruising in their golf cart at night on every trail and in every part of the community to look for him with their police flashlights. The family with the newborn baby who made flyers and drove them over, picked us up, then posted them all while the only thing I did was hand them pieces of tape.  My best friend in Colorado using her Humane Society experience to contact all the right people and post in all the right places. I am insanely thankful and awed by the complete and utter stranger who lives in the neighborhood and used to work for a lost dog finding group in Pennsylvania who saw the info. on Facebook, is an owner of three dachshunds herself, and reached out and came to set up motion detected cameras that send emails within two minutes of motion detected. I mean seriously, you couldn't even make this stuff up if you tried to come up with ways to show kindness. But don't I get a break from needing it??  Why me?

This is an insanely large pity party post and I hate that too. But it's real and it's how I feel today on this day, nine months after losing the love of my life. Fletcher is a knucklehead and is always up to something but this is not like him. I hope to God he is milking some sweet family for all the treats until shelters open up tomorrow. But it be a complete lie if I didn't say I have a really bad feeling about this. To lose this dog in this way would be absolutely heart wrenching.

How do you just try to do normal things while your dog is lost? What do you do with the one food bowl that doesn't need food at dinner time? Why isn't someone asking me to play every two minutes? IT IS THE WORST. I have never felt so hopeless and that's saying a lot considering the situations I have been in over the last 4 years.

I appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered help. I have turned so many people down because I don't know what else there is to do. So you can scream right along with me, WHY HER?

I hope I get to look back one day while holding him and  say remember that time Fletch got away on that first wedding anniversary without Brian. Because if not who could honestly imagine losing your husband on your child's birthday then losing your (his) dog on your wedding anniversary. That would literally be too much.

I can't end so negatively, the one positive that is both sad and happy is that Harper is handling this exceptionally well. She is not distraught or beside herself. She says, "He's not going to be our puppy anymore" in a very matter of fact voice. Or she repeats what another kid says and says, "He's a really good hider." But her resiliency shines through and she is super amazing.

Entry 44: Like a Bruise

I have been thinking about this a lot lately when thinking about how to describe my grief. It feels like someone has a constant hand holding my heart. You know how sometimes when you touch a bruise it hurts but feels kind of good at the same time.  Sometimes a memory or a thought or an action squeezes my heart lightly and it is that good kind of pain. The good of having the love that was so good and the hurt that it is gone. It could be a sweet picture on TimeHop that gives my heart a little squeeze. Or it could be a hilarious Disney memory that Brian was part of. A friend reaching out to share a dream they had about Brian, naming your trivia team for name that Disney tune at the pool Bolts then winning, or the fact that getting grief cards have become a "new normal".  Whatever it is, the little squeeze reminds me of him, makes me smile or even tear up but leaves me feeling that touch a bruise, good kind of hurt.

There are other times where I feel that hand holding my heart just squeezes the heck out of it. Like one of those stress balls with the eyes that pop out when you squeeze it. It is like when you repeatedly bump your bruise into the same corner of the bed. It hurts like hell.  This happens unexpectedly too. For example, last week Harper says, "Mommy I need a new Daddy." GAH! Just rip my heart out why don't ya?!  I talked it out with her. In her amazing three-year-old logic, she said, "I don't have a daddy because he died so I need a new one."  This makes perfect sense to her. When a toy breaks, I always say, "It's okay, we will get a new one." When a cherished cookie is stolen by a dog, "It's okay, we will get a new one."  As I cried in the front seat. she continued to tell me about needing a new Daddy, and my heart hurt. The bad kind. The bang you shin into something super hard kind of hurt. I told her that she has an amazing daddy that loves her more than anything and I would like to keep him forever in my heart. To which she replied, "No! I will keep Daddy in my heart, you keep the new Daddy in your heart." Ha! With time to reflect, as I tucked her in, I was able to remind her of all the men in her life who love her like a Daddy. What a lucky girl to have so many "uncles" that truly show her love.

The joke at the end was.. "The opposite is Karen."

These tight squeezes of the heart come very unexpectedly. Today I pull up my vocabulary word of the day in my last period class.  Every vocabulary word has a video of me signing the meaning. I pulled up today's word and there was Brian. I filmed these words last year and have forgotten that he came in my room while I was making them and made a cameo in which he insulted me.  Seeing a picture of Brian gives me that good hurt, light squeeze. But when I hear him talk or see him sign in a video, it's tough. I miss him so much. So as my students learned their new word, and I jokingly called him a jerk for the insult, I couldn't help but tear up. One student said, "Are you crying?" And another says, "Shhh! Don't talk about it!"  How cool that I get to share Brian with them. He still gets to make me laugh in the middle of my school day. But man oh man the missing is tough!

Other good squeezes: My dad wearing Brian's yard hat to do yard work. My bestie, Dani, staying over to hang out and talk grief because we can and it feels bad/good even if it is a school night.  Happy memories of good vacations.
Getting a box of chocolates on my last cheat day, shaped like bolts.  TimeHop pictures that make me smile. Harper calling pictures of her and her Daddy adorable.  Harper being a creep and making crazy facial expressions just like him. Seeing a random lightning bolt on the bottom of the parade actor's costume even though no one else had one. Another friend wearing a shirt at a conference because last time she was there Brian made fun of her for it. A crazy ass dog named Fletcher who does ridiculous things to remind me that Brian raised him.  A fellow widow (ew! that word) at church reaching out to talk and support me.

So although some squeezes are more painful than others, I am thankful that my heart feels supported like it is being constantly held. And although I sometimes touch that bruise purposely, it is the unexpected jabs that get me to most. I am super thankful for a man that is this hard to miss. I am thankful that with his death, I have learned to cherish my time with those I love even more.

Entry 43: My Person

So I have been feeling really weird lately. Although I am busy and surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very disconnected from everyone. It is a very strange and lonely feeling. How can I be with people constantly and still feel alone???

When talking with my grief counselor on Thursday about it she made me feel less like a crazy person and simply said, "Brian was your best friend. You miss your person."

YES! This is it.  I know I miss Brian. I miss him all the time. Harper even said this week, "I miss Daddy super much!" Yes! Yes! Yes! But it is more than that. I miss MY person. I am a sharer and most of my friends know the details of my life, however there are really tiny things you want to share with your person. Whether it be something egotistical like look how good my back looks in these wedding pictures or a high five because in a matter of days the new methods for bedtime has been amazing for both yourself and Harper and it is a huge success. Brian was so amazing at being my person. He picked on all the annoying parts of my personality but secretly loved me for them. He cared and built me up constantly. He texted me even if it was to make fun of me or be mad at me. I miss simply sitting on Sundays watching football, doing basic chores, and trying not to nap during the Skins game so that a picture me sleeping with my mouth open didn't end up on Facebook.  He would grocery shop for me because it isn't my favorite chore.  He also drove me absolutely crazy with his stubbornness. But I miss it. I miss it all. When I see other couples instead of it making me sad it makes me insanely happy. I love that people get to experience having a person. It makes me remember how ridiculously well Brian and I fit. He will always be my person, I just wish he was here to do it. And that's the truth. I am a glutton for punishment and looked back on Hospice pictures. He still made me feel wanted in the final days telling me, "I don't like it when you leave (the room)." What I wouldn't give to be back there interpreting his signs, catching the random objects he threw and loving on him.

Our last selfie

My counselor also made this comparison.  After Brian's death my life is like someone played 52 card pick up. They threw the whole deck in the air and instead of trying to organize it by suit, I am just trying to figure out which cards are black and which ones are red.  I don't know where everything fits and she says my feelings of disconnect are just me trying to piece it all back together.

I don't really know my point except to say if you're lucky enough to have your person hug them a little tighter. Be thankful for them even if they are on your last nerve. And as I slowly pick up these stupid mixed up cards I need to be patient with myself. It is just frustrating because Brian taught me the importance of relationships and investing in people whether it be your regular grocery store worker, a best friend, or a coworker. He was the best at it and I want to be more like him.