Entry 40: Ugly and Real

{I feel like I need to say it again...this blog is not to get pity or attention. I just need to get these feelings out and this is how I do it.}

So after Brian died, I thought I knew what grief was. If you were to have asked me, I would've told you that I was experiencing it daily. Although it was heart wrenching, it was manageable. When I rationalized "how well I was doing" I thought it was because Brian and I did a lot of mourning of the life we thought we knew when we found out he had cancer. We had many gut wrenching talks late night in bed where we sobbed and mourned for what may be or for the unknown future. So my grief after the fact was doable. I missed him tons but I could function and dare I say even be happy.

I was WRONG! Grief is terrible. If you know me you know I like to be happy 99% of the time.  When I get in a "funk" I like it to be short lived and gone before it can even be remembered. Unfortunately, I've been in a month long funk. I am sad. I am anxious for no apparent reason. I am lonely. And it sucks.  Don't worry, I still see my counselor. As she said, "Welcome to grief."  I want to kick my legs and say, "I don't wanna! I want to avoid these feelings!" Not because I don't want to miss Brian, I was doing plenty of that already. I just don't like the constant weight on my chest. Or the sudden tears that come from nowhere when someone asks me how I am doing. I feel like a liar when I say I'm good.

I am normally the type of person that looks forward to the next big thing on the horizon, and this summer I put lots of things up there. The lake, trips, family reunion, selling a house, etc.  I think moving into the new house and my friend Kate's wedding were the last two big chunks up there. Now  the horizon is clear, and  I am in the "new normal". I think that may be where this is all stemming from. Who knows!

I've also never been one to beat myself up for long or really think negatively about myself. Duh! Because clearly I think I am awesome. But lately I am in bed a night critiquing my parenting skills. Wishing I did better with certain interactions. I dislike this very much. It's not me.

I feel like I should sing myself the "Going on a Bear Hunt" song from church camp.  Can't go under it! Can't go around it! Gotta go through it! This grief stuff is real and totally ugly.

At dinner tonight Harper said, "I'm sad."  When I asked why she said, "I really miss Daddy. I wish he was with me."  I gave my genuine me too response when she continued. "I didn't get to say goodbye."  I quickly reassured her that she did and even offered to show her the video and pictures. (Thank God again for that great advice of letting Harper come to Hospice. At the time I wasn't sure it was a great idea for a 3 year old, but in hindsight, thank God!) She says, "I know I know, but I didn't get to tell him I love him."  I said, "Yes baby you did, want to see the video?" To which she replied, "But I didn't get to give him one more hug."  Damn! She begs for one more hug even after I have given her 10 before bed. She doesn't understand the concept of one more or last one.  Sad to say it annoys me when I am trying to get her to bed at night.  Not anymore cause yep. That's true. Me neither. One more hug in Harper's terms means as many as she needs to feel comforted.  How good it would feel to give one more hug.

A handsome picture of Brian just for fun!

I was supposed to work nursery in church on Sunday and I was not needed and was sent to service. Pastor Larry was talking about Daniel and relentless faith. The thing that stuck with me the most as I struggle this week, is how he explained that God doesn't love us so much that he protects us from the fires in life, but he loves us so much that he is there to walk us through them.

So as I trudge through this ugly, real grief, I know I am not alone. Not only is He with me but I am still surrounded and blessed with my community. Whether it be sunflowers for no reason from Kathy at work or a middle of the day email from Mom titled, "Proud of You", I know I am not alone.  As I was typing this exact paragraph I get a text from a friend that I do not talk to often that says, "You were on my mind as I was driving tonight...just wanted to tell you that I miss you and that I think your'e an awesome teacher, mom, and friend. Saying a prayer for you tonight and sending love your way." I mean seriously?!?! How much more perfect can that timing be. When I don't feel like I am doing that great at anything and the feeling of grief has me being extra hard on myself, these are the exact words I needed in this exact moment. I know I should ends with  some great quote like, "nevertheless she persisted" or "this isn't permanent", but all I can handle right now is singing, "Can't go over it! Can't around it! Gotta go through it."

Entry 39: Seven Months

Grief is real and grief is tough. Grief is real tough and for some reason month 7 has been the toughest yet. There's no way to pinpoint a reason or to even describe all the feelings. Loneliness even when surrounded by all the great people in my life, longing for connection, trying to figure out the new me, missing the crap out of Brian. All these things but still loving life and having fun. It's weird. It's hard. But light always shines through.

Listen to this story. Brian and I ate Chick-fil-a. A LOT! In true Brian fashion he over time started picking on one employee who was always so friendly. She would give Harper ice cream even if we said no. She was bubbly and laughed off all of his jokes so of course the insults got worse or louder in order to make her laugh more. This poor high-schooler being harassed by a MAN while she tried to work! She took it with smiles even if he would fill out comment cards about her.  Unfortunately Chick-fil-a isn't allowed on Whole30 so we haven't been in the store in a while. We've driven through, but haven't seen our friend, Kaylee.  Well when my parents took Harper for after school treat when they were babysitting this past weekend, in true Kaylee fashion she warmly greeted my parents and recognized Harps.  She then asked how Brian was. My poor mom. Poor Kaylee. What a shock. Well what do you think this sweet teenager did after hearing the news? She friended me on Facebook, sent kind words, and then flowers showed up at our house. Her card said, "Wishing you and your little girl nothing but smiles and happiness. I will never forget Brian and the insults that came with him. This ones for him." How amazing?! What an incredible girl. We are lucky because of Brian's ridiculous antics, he's touched such great people and pulled them into our circle. He was the light.

So in this tough spot of grief, I want to be more like him. And I want to know how to teach Harper the amazing empathy and maturity that Kaylee showed.

Seven months. Seven months without Brian. But also seven months of the most insane support anyone can ever feel. So although it's tough and hard, I have the most amazing support. In Option B she explains, "The two things we want to know when we're in pain are that we are not crazy to feel the way we do and that we have support,"  The support is unreal and I will never be able to show enough appreciation for all the love my crazy.

Entry 38: The Moments

This weekend I had the pleasure of being in my friend Kate's wedding in Minnesota. It was my first trip all by myself without Harper or without traveling with someone. It was also my first wedding since Brian died. If I'm honest, I was apprehensive. Two weeks ago I couldn't even hold sweet baby Adaline without crying unexpectedly. I didn't think an inconsolable bridesmaid would be a good look. I didn't know what emotions would rise to the surface during such a loving time when my friend gets to commit her life to someone pretty fantastic. Not only that, Luke was not only marrying Kate but her kids as well.



Well let me tell you. I had a freaking blast! Better than I could've even imagined. The first thing I noticed about Luke was his patience.  He was gentle and kind and super nice. Perfect for Kate! Kate's maid of honor, Melia, was hysterical and so on top of things. We got to just spend time together and be with people. My favorite! There's always a little guilt that sneaks in after having such a good time. But as I was reading Option B on the plane I found this quote, "Even though we are in great distress, joy can still be found in moments we seize and moments we create."

I'm so thankful for all the moments this weekend. In thankful I was there to witness Kate and Luke's wedding. A wedding that represented love and a pretty damn good Option B for Kate and her kids. I thought of Brian often. I got to share about him. I got to talk about him with people who asked and listened and cared. Instead of making me a crying bridesmaid, I was a joyful bridesmaid having a darn good time.

Driving home from the airport the let down set in, the tears came. I knew it would happen. It always does. I listened to this song....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bdi3XPMhUtY.  My favorite lyric is

"Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up"

Entry 37: Option B

I don't know exactly how to describe this but I will try. You know how when a friend has something not good happen to them, initially you are super involved. You care greatly. You want to know every detail and you bend over backwards to help.  Yet when the problem persists or the drama continues you don't care less but you devote way less attention and time to the issue.  Not because you are a bad friend, but it is because life continues to move on.  What amazes me is this has never been the case with our cancer experience and our loss of Brian experience. I remember feeling insanely lost but also insanely grateful shortly after diagnosis because of the outpouring of love, support, and acts of kindness. I also remember telling people, don't do anything now. Wait until we really need it because cancer is a long battle.  People didn't listen. For more than two years people have continuous poured into our family. It has not stopped. This is what's so surprising. I am not surprised that I have great people in my life, I am just surprised about how strong and in what quantity the kindness continues to flow. I guess you also worry that although missing Brian is very real and present in my everyday life, I guess I just thought it would fade a little for others. Not that they wouldn't miss him but maybe the way they show it would be different. Or that it wouldn't be as constant as it is for us. I thought I would have to do a lot of the work to make sure to continue the legacy of Brian Timothy Newton. But as I was wrong before people are not giving less time and attention to the "drama" or "issue", people are consistently showing they care as much as they did at diagnosis time.  And although I do love a good prize, that's not the only thing I am talking about here.  I received an amazing painting of our

old house today. The painting is amazing but even more amazing is the fact that it came from a sorority sister who I keep up with on Facebook and got to see at our recent reunion, but that I don't talk to regularly. She knew that leaving that house what hard. She also magically knew my new address. In her sweet card it said something like "thinking of you often".  This is someone that did not know Brian, yet cares about him, about me, about us!  Another thing happened this week.  The thoughtfulness and goodness that went into this gift overwhelms me.  Another example, my friends Dani and LA kept telling me I wasn't invited to see their new 3rd grade classroom because it wasn't ready yet. Then the morning I was finally given permission to go, I get a quick Snap that warns me that I may tear up. What the heck! As I walk in, I see a bolt.  They named their reading corner Newton's Nook. After posting the picture on Facebook I was surprised by the people who teared up when seeing it. This is what I am talking about. Although I know others will always remember Brian, I thought the everyday reminding would be greatly on my shoulders. I thought I would have to work super hard to make sure he is still talked about. I almost put down the word remembered but we all know that once you have interacted with the inappropriateness of Brian there is no forgetting that.

I have been talking about my grief a lot lately and feeling it more strongly in month six than I did in month two. So tonight I did something unexpected. I started reading a grief book. My good friend and mentor at work Kathy Pyle gave me the book Option B along with a free pass to never read it unless I wanted to. This was a while ago. Today, after hanging with our friends that have known Brian longer and probably better than I do and talking about grief and missing him and trying to make sure I make decisions he would support, I decided to pick it up tonight.  Maybe I should mention too that I just unpacked it from a box last night. I have only read the introduction. Although I was already tucked in bed I started reading and had to run downstairs for a pencil. I just kept thinking yes. So much yes!!!!  Although her experience is different and her loss was sudden, I just feel I could relate immediately to what she was saying.  She says at one point she knows she has to do it (continue with life) for her husband but she wants to do it with her husband. YES! That's exactly how I feel. I keep living and doing because Brian would want that but gosh I want to do this WITH him.  Her book is about building resilience. That it isn't something you have or don't have. You can develop it. Many times I get praised for my parenting through the death or for how I am doing. People say I don't know how you do it.  It was the same when we remained as positive as possible through the cancer experience. It didn't feel like a choice. It just felt like there was no other way to do it. She talks about how this is how we "exert some control over its (griefs) impact." YES! I love control. Duh! And this makes me feel okay for making some of my own. But my favorite part so far is how she says with a traumatic situation we can find "greater strength and deeper meaning". THIS! This is what I feel. I feel this kindness that has cloaked us is teaching me so much more about the meaning of life. It shows the goodness of people. It models how we should treat others. It is so much how Brian lived but brings it so much more to the forefront. I just want to love people like he did. I want to continue to love him as much as I do. Although life with Brian would be Option A, this book says, "So let's just kick the shit out of Option B." That's the plan going forward.

Entry 36: The Missing Keeps Happening

It's been a while since I've written because I still don't have internet! Wah! The new house is great. Every day I think how much I love it. Kids knock on the door to play with Harper, she got her first big girl bike with training wheels from her GeGe and can ride it in the culdesac, and everything is coming together.I love it! I don't know if it's because of the changes or because the new school year is starting or if it's just because but I miss Brian, but gosh I'm missing him a lot lately.

I was getting my eyebrows waxed and one of the workers was soaking her nails and talking to her husband on speaker phone. They were not talking about anything emotional or sweet, it sounded like she was giving him a list of what to pack for a baby. Yet when they hung up he said I love you. And she very blasé said I love you too and hung up. Now that isn't a great love story or anything but I almost cried. I miss that. I miss the simple I love yous every time we ended a conversation about anything.

I broke the garage door day 5 of living here. I was just taking out the trash and didn't realize something fell into the track. When I went to close the door a whole mess ensued. I missed Brian cause I just wanted to cry while someone else dealt with it. Or if Brian was here I wouldn't have felt as scared to leave the garage door open overnight. Or maybe he would've been the one to push the button so I could've been mad at him instead of myself.  It was fixed the next day and nothing was stolen so it's all good but I miss him.

Tonight was the Hall of Fame game and I didn't even know it. Not that I have internet or anything to watch it but still. If Brian were alive I would have known. Football season is really really going to make me miss him.

Harper looks like him. When she's trying to stall at bedtime she wants to talk about daddy. When I pray at night, after I say amen she says it's her turn. Instead of talking to God she says, "Thank you for loving us so much and we miss you, Daddy." I know I should correct her and teach her to talk to God but my heart is happy to hear her talking to him so I will wait a bit on that lesson.

I can hear any song and twist any lyric to make me think of Brian. I read memories of the water being shut off 5 years ago because he didn't pay the bill and laugh now at how mad I was and remembering him trying to explain his way out of it. I see pictures of us surrounded by other people's kiddos and think about how fun he was and how he rarely said no to anything we wanted to do.

Someone asked me recently if I'm looking for men to date. The thing is when I think about that phone call I love you or needing someone here to blame the garage on, I don't miss it because it was another person, I miss it because it was Brian. So my answer to that person was I'm not looking at the moment because it's not being in a relationship that I miss, it's being in a relationship with Brian that I miss so much.

I've cried more this week than I have in a month. I'm appreciative of the tears because they remind me of what a great thing I lost. I know I'm not the only one missing him and feel so blessed that he is still loved by so many and that so many continue to show their love to us. Whether it be the team of friends who went above and beyond to help me move or a sweet locket arriving in the mail, we feel the love for not only us but Brian as well.