As you can tell, there has considerably more time between blogs. Personal life has been full of happiness and puppy training. In June Josh, Hayden and Lily moved in, in July we took an amazing family vacay to National Parks, mid July we brought home Lenny, the smartest puppy ever and things have been happy.
BUT holy smokes Brian's birthday hit me SUPER hard this year. Although I think about Brian ALL.THE.TIME. and everything makes me think of a memory of him and I share those memories with whoever is around, grief doesn't take over very often anymore. I love Josh and the life we have. He is amazing. He cooks all my food, like all of it, like on Sunday asks me what I want for the week for lunches, goes to grocery store, buys it, cooks it, that AMAZING! I am spoiled and well loved. So maybe grief is still there daily, but the emotions stay in check because there is so much happy. Who knows!
However, what I do know is that life has been tough lately. Running a school during a pandemic comes with its challenges. Today there was so much physical anxiety on top of the normal stuff. It's so crazy how the body carries emotions without the conscious thought happening first. So in amazing Josh form he asks me: "What do you need? Pizza? Wine? A puppet show? I can make all of those happen. Just say the word". Harps and I arrive home from work/school to our own bouquet of flowers. If that wasn't all, when Harper mentions that she just wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, that Dot turns off the burners, puts the meal in the fridge for tomorrow and off we go! Chuck E. Cheese during a pandemic, I mean.....EEK! But we masked up and had fun. Chuck E. is the last place we celebrated Brian's birthday, his last birthday and Harper has her own memories of it, making it that much more special to her. So after an hour of play, pizza (that was not as good as I remembered), and 2000 tickets that resulted in what she needed most, another stuffed animal, I did what every normal grieving person does and scrolled through Brian's Instagram on the ride home. 10 out of 10 recommend if you need a good cry
and need to remember just how much he loved you and his baby. Looking at his account, I just remember all the joy in the very little things. There are pictures that I don't even remember, but attached are his words and his ridiculousness that mean so much. It was the joy in the mundane. Thousands of pictures just on our big brown couch. Pictures of a random Tuesday, not a posed smile, half the time not even in pants, but ALL of them full of love. Sprinkled throughout are just a few that made me smile.
I love you all. Don't feel bad for me. Life is great and missing Brian makes me so happy to know how much he was loved and how much he means, everyday, all the time, especially on his birthday. When talking with some friends today, Zak shared that every year on Brian's birthday he takes time to share about Brian with his students. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!!?? What a great way to end a hard day. He said, "I love knowing there are more people in this world that know he existed. An that he impacted so many of us." I love that Josh totally embraces all of me and all of this and is one of those people who knows Brian existed and supports all parts of me. Life is crazy. Love your people. Tell them. Always.
