When I look at my baby all I see is Brian. His antics, his facial expressions, him! How could I not love her more than anything. When I hear her talk though she’s my little parrot. Squealing over babies, telling the puppies to HUSH!, and thinking everyday is the best day ever. I miss Brian. Like all the time every day. So does Harper. A few weeks ago she says, “Mommy I want you to get married again so I can have another Daddy.” Gah! Rip my heart out! She still remembers him every single day and talks about him in a way that shows she knows him and has her own memories of him. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
But for myself there’s so much I want to talk to Brian about! I want to tell him Cally and Dodd got engaged. I want to Christmas shop for him and buy surprises. I want to talk football. I wanted him to be at that Jags/Redskins game with me and all the friends!
Let me tell you what you shouldn’t do when you’re feeling this way and you randomly cry mid workout for no apparent reason...the answer is watch This is Us. I mean I did it to myself but geezum! A character who lost her husband is talking to a baby saying I thought it was an end but maybe now I’m just in the middle. Being in the middle is tough. I want Brian here to experience Harper’s cute as can be Christmas pageant. I want him to be here making decisions when she tells Santa that she wants a real live kitty and motorcycle. Seriously?!
Tonight as I was hiding in the guest room preparing for Christmas, Harper calls for me. I slightly panic then remember I locked the door. Slightly annoyed I say, “Are you supposed to be out of your bed?” And she says, “I just prayed for you.” So I paused and went in and asked if I could pray for her. What a freaking great reminder of how we should be! I love my mini-Brian and am so so so so so thankful for her.
