I still think about Brian all the time, everyday, and in so many parts of my life. These thoughts don't bring tears as often. They many times bring smiles. It's not to say I don't cry. I still get sad and just miss the heck out of him. But I love him and am just so darn thankful for who he was and who I am now because of him.
There have been a lot of cancer stories that have affected me lately. My heart literally hurts for families and I cry for them. I can't imagine what they're going through even though I experienced it with Brian. Little babies having to experience chemo, scares for friends who have already dealt with so much, and another diagnosis before I can even get over the last one I have heard about. It is so sad and weighs heavy on me. I wish I could give to people like I have received. That being said, amazing things happen daily and here are my three favorite from today.
1. Lia came across campus at the end of the day to hand me a note she found in her niece's backpack. It tickles me so much because her niece is older than Harper but looks forward to spending time with her. All the time I look around and think of just how much Harper is loved by so many. She is so blessed and so fortunate. Brian was so in love with her and he would be so fulfilled seeing all people that love her too. We think her little friend is just as awesome. I love the kindness of kids and just how much they truly love each other.2. Story #2: Harper went to an FSDB elementary school basketball game with Dani tonight. While there, Lia was coaching. A former school employee came up to Lia and asked her how she ended up becoming the coach. He went on to say, you should get Brian out of retirement to come coach these kids. Lia asked Brian who? He said Newton! Lia had no other choice but to tell him. Needless to say, Brian's former buddy was distraught. It amazes me that over a year later people still don't know in one way or another. It also amazes me that Brian made such an impact on people that they want him to be there to do the amazing things he used to do, like coach elementary school basketball. The more amazing thing in this is Harper. Harper overheard Dani tell me the story in the quick 3 minute handoff Dani and I did before the game. Dani took Harper to meet the man but she was too shy to even look at him. Well after the game when riding in the car, Harper says, "He didn't know Daddy was in heaven?" Dani told her that he did not but I am sure he was happy to have met you because you look like him. Then 2 minutes later Harper says, "Awwwww, he and Daddy were friends." I mean she gets it. She like totally gets it. She knows her daddy was amazing. She knows he's in heaven (which is something she and I have NEVER talked about yet because the advice of the social worker at Hospice was that at the age of 3, and the level of thinking of a typical 3 year old, if you mention heaven it sounds like a place they can come back from or you can go visit) so we say things like Daddy's body is here at the grave but God is taking care of his soul. Doesn't matter. She gets it anyways! Also, I mean how great that he was so impactful and that although the saddest thing is that Brian died when Harps was so young, but how really cool that she has so much insight and maturity about a topic many of us (ME!!!!) can barely talk about without freaking out.
Story #3: Dani was with Harper in the first place so I could go to the gym for the Open announcement and to watch my friends work out. While I was there one of the members walked in with her friend. I recognized her immediately. She is a professor and every semester Brian would present in her class to her students. He LOVED presenting to college students. Maybe because they always laughed, maybe because they were typically full of cute girls, who knows?!? But when she came in, I said, "I know you, you did a lot of amazing things for my family when Brian was going through treatment." She smiled and confirmed that she sure was that person. She was part of a fundraiser that our friends did and her students gave toys specifically for Harper when they delivered the huge check from the fundraiser. Although, I hope I sent her a thank you card at the time, it was awesome to be able to actually thank her in person and tell her how much it truly meant. She also shared so many of her own personal stories of Brian and the ridiculous things he did while presenting. She said, "I knew him before he met you, and was there when he talked about meeting you, and mostly how much he talked about Harper." He was so proud. I loved hearing her stories and remembering specifics about him even more. All the details that others share about him, make him so real still. I was reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis given to me by one of Brian's long time friends. There is a section in there where is talking about the memories of his wife, H. It says,
"Thinking of the facts--real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman."
I wrote before of making my memories into these pretty little marbles that aren't super detailed but just kind of clump together was a fear of mine. I didn't want it to happen with Brian like it has was other things in my life. Even Harpers infant year is a nice pretty marble with a few shiny details, but an overall summary of a happy baby. When other people share these specific details it makes it real Brian and keeps it from that imaginary state of Brian. For that I am super grateful.
So although the world has sad, and cancer is way too abundant. There are the everyday amazings that happen. They fill my heart so full. Kids are incredible. My kid is super incredible. Brian impacted many people and it is so far reaching that I forget about it until things like today happen.
