What! How? It’s insane to think so much time and life has passed without Brian physically in it.
Grief looks different as the years go on. Memories of Brian and funny stories to tell about him still pop up very daily. The tears are more random and further apart but the missing is no less intense. My Timehop for the month of January is brutal and the picture from Hospice remind me of all the love but also show how cancer devastated Brian’s body.
It’s amazing to be loved by someone now who supports my grief and gets it. When I randomly cry and Josh just hugs me and lets me feel my emotions. He gives comfort, listens to memories, and accepts it all. I wonder how I could so lucky to have both him and Brian. I am so loved.
This morning, on the day I became a momma and the day I lost my love, I got to wake up in Colorado with our besties, the ones we inherited from Brian. We got here Thursday and I have almost peed my pants from laughter multiple times every day since. As Harper says, “I’m so happy to spend my birthday with our original family.” We get to talk about all our random memories from silly fights where I stormed out with a baby bag to ridiculous things Brian would do and say. They know him even better than me. They see Brian in Harper and love her so much.
I took a screenshot of every post that people posted after Brian died, and last night I read them through tears remembering just how many lives he touched. And as my life continues forward from that day in 2017, I realize I spend less time with the people who continue to mean so much to me. Who literally walked along side us every hard step of cancer. I love them so much and their continued support for us got us through. I’m still so insanely thankful for them all. It would be easy to be sad today I am so so so thankful that I had Brian. And because of Brian my life is so blessed. And because of our love, I get to celebrate our baby turning eight! He would love everything about her. The fact that she has a favorite bad word, the fact that she nailed people with snowballs unexpectedly this weekend and laughed like a crazo about it, the fact that she gets awarded academic excellence for facing challenges well, that fact that she makes crazy faces and says the most ridiculous things, the fact that she’s very much a people person and loves so easily, and the fact that my new man loves her so well.
So instead of being super sad all day, we are going to spend this day making more memories, having ridiculous fun, celebrating our eight year old, and hugging the people we love.
