It’s kind of unbelievable. Brian’s been gone for seven whole years and Harper has been alive for ten. It’s absolutely wild. Time does not stop. This anniversary has hit me harder. Is it because life is really really happy? Is it because this feels like a big milestone in Harper’s life, double digits? Is it because as time moves along I’m surrounded less by people who knew Brian and more around people who know of him? Is it because 7 years feels like such a long time to not see someone you love? Is it because he’s been gone longer than we were in a relationship? I can’t say. What I can say is he would absolutely love his ten year old!
What Brian was super great at was relationships. Whether it was insulting texts, personal playlists, or reading name tags and using the name of any and every employee, he made people feel seen. I feel guilty/sad at times when it feels like I’m not doing as good of a job as he would at maintaining all of our super important relationships. However, he would love to see how Harper builds relationships with her friends. She’s so thoughtful and concerned how her friends are feeling. She is silly and constantly giggling with them. She’s totally obsessed with Taylor Swift and loves music in general. He would LOVE sharing details about each and every song with her. She’s freaking brave. Not only with her medical stuff but she tried out for drama having to sing a solo, do a monologue and a cold read all on stage by herself. He would eat it up to see her perform.
I feel sad for what he’s missing out on. He’d love to meet Andi, who is the cutest little “stinker” ever! He would make fun of Tori but also be so cute holding her new baby. He would absolutely love Adaline’s exuberant personality and would totally feed into her energy. I want to know what he thinks about all the changes at school. Would he be shocked I’m in admin? Would I even be if he was still alive? Like dad said, would they have even moved here? Thank God they did. I miss him keeping me in the loop on all the tiny details of the NFL. I miss the mundane. The sitting on the floor of Harper’s room and giving her all of our attention for hours with nothing else being important. I miss sitting on Trey and Suzy’s couch every weekend and doing life with them. I miss his ridiculous poses, his voice, his spontaneity, his wild ideas, and his randomness.
There’s so much good that has come since he’s passed as well. I’m thankful for the perspective that Dr. Bubis gave us on focusing on quality of life in each and every decision even when they aren’t medical related. I thankful for all the travel I’ve been able to do to National Parks that he loved. I’m thankful for the new problems that pop up that don’t seem quite so important because what’s harder than losing your husband. I’m thankful for my new family and how loving and understanding of grief they are and how they treat Harper like she’s one of their own from he very beginning. I’m thankful for Josh who feels like he was picked specifically for me, for us. I’m thankful to be healthy and getting to exercise and feel stronger. I’m thankful for our home that I was only able to buy due to Brian’s passing. I’m thankful for how he continues to provide for Harper through the social security money that comes monthly. I’m thankful for being a support to other widows or even be able to love on friends who suffer big loses because I kind of get it. I’m thankful mom and dad moved close and are so generous with their time. I’m also thankful for this blog. To read back through the raw emotions of days after. To remember the strong feelings even if they make you sob all over again. To reread annual recaps and know that even though time moves on, like seven years of time, Brian’s memory lives on and the love never ever goes away.
The best thing from him always and forever will be Harper and she is 10! A decade! She’s incredible. She’s works hard. She loves school. She’s into everything: gymnastics, drama, chorus, rock climbing. She loves her momma so much and is so affirming. She aims to please which is sometimes hard for when she makes a mistake. We are working on it. She loves being around people and always wants to hang with friends. Her memory is ridiculous. She is so spoiled but so so grateful that you just keep doing more for her. We had an amazing time celebrating with her Buc-ee’s friend party and her surprise Disney weekend with some of the lightning squad. It felt so good to watch her aunt and uncle spoil her. It felt good to be around people who knew Brian even better than me. Even though this January 22nd feels harder than most, we celebrate. We celebrate Harper! We celebrate having such a great love that even seven years later it feels so hard to be without. We celebrate our new life and continued happiness. I am
so thankful for everyone who loves us whether you knew Brian or not. I can only imagine him beaming about how well his girls are loved! As time moves on I’ll continue to ride the wave, where it takes me ❤️⚡️
