Entry 76: Three Years

Three years. That’s just insane to me. This year is significant. I remember how Brian realized the exact anniversary of his Dad where he was alive as long with his dad as he was without. Unfortunately for my sweet baby, tomorrow she will have been alive longer without her dad than she was with him. I’m so sad she didn’t get more time with him.  They have both missed out.  I cannot imagine how much more personality she would have because of him.  But I say this all the time, it’s truly amazing how much of him is already in her. Is the need to make people laugh by being random and ridiculous innate? Did she learn his bad habit of picking the skin around her fingers in those three short years? She definitely looks so much like him and makes some of his exact faces. I am so thankful that she knows him and is so much a representation of him.

Looking back on the last three years a lot has happened! 

The unimaginable happened and mom got a tattoo!

We moved out of our first home in Twin Lakes.

We moved into our new home in New Hope.

Brian was honored with a teaching award named after him.

We lost our Fletchie.

People continued to fill our lives with sunshine and love. 

We spent some time in the gym challenging ourselves and working on mental health. 

We celebrated the people who were so crucial during our cancer journey. 

We celebrated love and babies! Some of the best memories!

We celebrated Brian in cool new ways.

We cherished valuable time with family. 

We figured out what it takes to get the job done. 

We received the most precious gifts!

And continued to cherish the kindness of strangers.

We cried the good cleansing tears. 

We celebrated Brian together at the mountain house with the lightning squad. 

We made room for joy! And lots of it!

Our besties found love!

And I know just how excited Brian would be for this!

We said goodbye to my childhood home in Valrico.

We excitedly welcomed GeGe and Bampy to St. Augustine!

Our people kept showing 

Showing up at all the right times!

We had lots of dates at the grave.

Experienced the first real concert that gave us all the feels. 

Said goodbye to Papa Rog. 

Went camping for the first time. 

Experienced incredible adventures while experiencing the loss of another friend. 

Harps started dance. 

She learned to swim!

She graduated Pre-K.

We took amazing adventures to visit Sally on her new adventure in England.

We enjoyed so much the time in London with family!

Harps started Kindergarten!

We took trips with our besties. 

We made room for new love. 

We continued traditions.

New people making our lives even happier. 

Our friends added new babies for us to love. 

We had amazing family time at our magical place. 

We upheld traditions.

Most of all, we loved and lived the life we have. 

So three years is sad. It's a huge landmark. But we are loved. We are so incredibly blessed. Tonight the house was full. Full of love. Full of the people who have continuously showed up. Continuously celebrated all of these moments the last three years. People who knew Brian and will never not let him be a part of our lives. As time and life move on, our hearts forever will love and remember the best guy.

P.S. My need for pretty hates the layout of this blog, but it is what it is!

Entry 75: The Hardest Days

As part of Whole30 the clean eating I do quite often, days 10 and 11 are known as the hardest days. It’s when most people quit and give up. I feel like for my grief it’s the same. Days 10 and 11 of January are the hardest days. Maybe even harder than the day Brian died. I don’t know why I don’t prepare and plan for January 10th and 11th but maybe it’s because i don’t know how or it isn’t possible. In 2017, this is the time Brian was super sick at home, falling down, waking up after a nap and not remembering that he was awake earlier in the day. It’s the time when we finally went to the hospital and the last time Brian was home.

This week has been overwhelming. With the start of grad school and wondering where I’m going to carve out time for that and with the heaviness of grief that I forget to prepare for, it’s just been rough. Harper has been grieving too. Mentioning Brian every single day. Discussing her fears of death. But also bringing so much joy and light to every single day. Just like her daddy!

So this weekend we are going to take some time to connect with people, take a break from the demands of work and school, and just be with this grief on these hardest days. It’s insane to think it’s been 3 years!