Entry 31: A Cloud

Since Brian passed, I feel like time is flying at almost the same rate as watching a newborn grow. Like how can it already be 5 months?!?!  How is it 5 months ago that we were all surrounding his bed in Hospice? How has it been 5 months since our lives have completely changed? Why is life going so quickly?

Lately my life feels "fake". Not because fake because I can't believe I am selling and buying a house kind of fake, but fake in the sense that I've been away a lot and it's okay and I don't have to check in with anyone. Or it's summer and I am a teacher and don't have to work kind of fake. When Brian and I were together he didn't like being apart. He definitely didn't like being apart if it meant I was at the beach. So while at my parents for the last four days and now at the beach house today, I can't help but think about him a lot. Normally I would be going over the top to check in, to make sure we FaceTimed so he could hang with Harper daily, or to make sure he was happy and not missing us too much. This time I don't have to check in with anyone which is freeing but also super sad.

In Siesta Key, the best thing to do every night is watch the sunset. It is glorious and magical and even though I already have a million pictures of it I can't help but take a million more. When I finally decided to call it quits, put my phone down, and swim with Mom and Harper, I looked up and there was a cloud shaped like a lightening bolt. I ran out of the water (you can laugh, it wasn't pretty) and took some pictures and suddenly started crying. Because of a cloud. Because although many others have gotten hints of Brian, this was my first. It's at my favorite place ever, with my two best friends ever, and it just felt like he was the one checking in. Gah! So I cried. I cried while tons of people on the beach were taking in the gorgeous sunset and Mom was in the Gulf with Harper while she twirled in her tube. I have nothing wise or profound to say. It felt good to cry. I feel like I haven't done it enough lately. I love Brian and I miss him.

Entry 30: The Greatest Inheritance

Harper and I just returned from a trip to High Point, NC for the Jones Family Reunion.  This is the reunion Brian and I brought Harper to when she was 6 months old and again when she was one and half.  We didn't get to go to last year due to finding a new mass in Brian's brain and making new treatment plans.  This reunion is all Brian's dad's side of the family. Let me just tell you, they are loving, fun, and so welcoming.  Because of Brian, these people are now in our lives and I couldn't be more thankful.

As Brian's Uncle was preaching during his memorial this weekend, he spoke about how God continues to give. It makes me think of my life. Although someone incredible was taken from us, we have been given so much. We've been given this family that showers us with love. Cousins that make us feel right at home even when we pull up without Brian this time. A family that hugged us, cried with us, and shared milkshakes!

This is the inheritance we received from Brian.  As I look at my village and my closest friends, they are mostly from Brian. People who love us and continue to give to us. Time, prizes, love and hugs.  There is nothing greater to inherit in life and to know it's mine because of Brian. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful.

Some people are surprised by how well I am doing. Some people may even think I am not grieving enough.  Last week, as I sat on the deck of a restaurant with my gym people, live music was playing, the weather was gorgeous and there was a beautiful full moon. As I sat there, I had this overwhelming feeling that this is the life, life is great! I then felt immediately guilty. But it's true. That night as we drove home Harper said, "Mommy, remember how Daddy rubbed my head every night before bed?  Remember how much he loved me? Remember when he made us laugh?"  My life is good. I miss Brian all the time. I want him here. I want him to be making his family feel incredibly awkward at the reunion. I want him to laugh at the ridiculous things Harper says. I want him to hold my hand on the propeller plane when I am sure it is going to crash.  I want him to hug me and be proud. At the same time, I love this life. I've been given so much. I've inherited a community of love. I've been introduced to a new community, the DriV community that is just as loving and giving.  So when I told my counselor about the life is great guilt she shared this poem, "As I Sit in Heaven".

"So live your life, laugh again,
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me..."

So I will laugh for Brian. I will enjoy some of the new freedoms that come from being single. But I will do so to remember Brian always.

Entry 29: A Special Relationship

No! Not a relationship with a guy. Crazos! Unless you count Gaston.

I am talking about my relationship with Harper. I cannot tell you how many times in a week I look at her and think, 'Gosh my baby is so cool.' She's affectionate, way too smart, in tune to feelings, has a million best friends, and is just the right amount of sassy. 

To treat ourselves our one big splurge for the year was Disney annual passes. Harper loves Disney. Brian loved Disney.  I love Disney. Brian and I had annual passes when we were dating and would use it just to stop in for dinner.  So walking around the park there are always fun memories associated with all things Disney. Yesterday after church, Harper and I headed down to Disney just the two of us. I can't tell you how many times during the day I thought about how cool she was.  Loading the tram with a folded up stroller and an umbrella and water bottle in my hand, she stays with me. She makes a plan. She is happy over little things. She knows I mean it when I say, "If you touch the rope one more time, I promise we are getting out of this line."  She make choices between ice cream and a smoothie understanding she can't have both or beg for the other one later.  She loves me. She wants to please. She doesn't mind waiting in line. She actually HAD TO wait in line to see Minnie AGAIN because she forgot to show Minnie that she was wearing a Minnie Mouse on her dress.  She sang a "Whole New World" unprompted while riding the magic carpet ride.  She is just SO COOL!  So that's why as I sat across for her a dinner in the Starlight Cafe, with Sonny Eclipse making terrible jokes in the background, I had to choke back tears.  Harper and I are going to have an insanely special relationship but that relationship is there because of the one I am missing. I am not saying Harper wouldn't be as cool if Brian were still alive, I just mean that she and I are going to share this insane bond, not just because she's my daughter but because I am her only living parent. As I looked at her scarfing her mac and cheese I thought, Brian would've loved to see her dance with Mickey. He should be here.


My most favorite memory of Disney is of her sitting on his shoulders freaking out over seeing her favorites in the parade last October. He would agree with how cool Harper is and feel it even more. Sadly, in December, Harper was still in the discovering the boundaries phase and we were having to be strict. I just think about how much he would love to see her now. Now that she had matured and gets it. Now that she gives love so freely and so appropriately. Now that she isn't terrified of characters but runs to greet them. He would enjoy Disney just because he gets to watch her. The day was amazing. There was so much joy. That grief snuck in momentarily at the Starlight Cafe. I want Brian to be with us.  I also worry that this relationship with Harper will put too much pressure on her when she is all I have, but I guess I can worry about that later.

So I miss him. Not because I can't do this life without him (although that lady holding the door to the tram at 9:00PM so my tired baby could climb in while I carried the stroller was my hero), but because I wish we got to do it with him. He will always be with us. As Harper tried to stall at bed time she said, "Let's talk about Daddy." I tell you this child is a genius cause you can say no to one more song or to water, but there is no way I will ever say no to talking about Daddy. So as I ride the struggle bus this morning because we just had to see Cinderella and Elena before leaving which meant we got home super late, I checked my memories from this day. And what do you know, a message from Brian. And I didn't realize until getting ready to insert the picture, look at his last profile picture. That parade memory I was talking about from Disney. I love you too!

 

And if you need a laugh after this heartfelt blog, he 

also posted this not as sweet one when hacking 

my phone one day...

Entry 28: Good Things Come In...

Most people would answer threes.  Good things come in threes. Over the last two days for me good things come in too many to count. As you know I listed my house on Thursday.  On Wednesday I went to look at two houses I was interested in. I was anxious to go but also know myself too well. I didn't want to fall in love with the house before I was able to make an offer on it. Of course, I did fall in love with one too soon.  I just kept telling myself if it was meant to be, it would still be on the market when I was ready to put in an offer.

Thursday morning my house listed at 8am.  This felt bittersweet. It is what we have wanted for a long while but I do feel attached to the house and again we love our neighbors. Here is what they thought about the sign going up! [This does not reflect how we feel about the company. Just the thought of not being neighbors.]  Ha!  Thank goodness mom was in town because at 11am someone wanted to come look at it. Mom busted her butt to get it show ready and drove around with my three crazy dogs in the car for over and hour. Well guess what?!?! They loved it and put in an offer.  AN OFFER! The day it was listed we had an offer!!!!!!!  I may or may have gotten teary-eyed when I got a text from the realtor.  How could you not. Day one....has to be God. So let's count mom being here as good thing number one because of course my mom is number one and the offer as good thing number two.

So after seeing my sweet 8th graders graduate on Thursday I went to the realtor's office. He asked me what I wanted to do.  Now let's talk about making adult decisions. Most the time, the fact now that I make all my decisions and don't have to pass them by anyone is a new freedom that has been nice. I basically get to do what I want all the time. However, there are times when you want your partner to help make decisions. Like when Bella was sick and I was being cheap financially responsible and didn't know whether or not to take her to the emergency vet. I needed Brian's input. Now I am sitting across from the realtor with an offer on the table and him asking me what I want to do. So even though I couldn't look over at Brian and discuss, I just felt this has to be a God thing. Who sells their house in three hours?!?!  So we decided to make an offer on the house I loved and if they accepted, I would accept.  So let's count the offer as good thing number three.

Friday, the last day of school, we waited. We waited to see if our offer would be accepted. In the meantime, I received two of the most thoughtful gifts.  This first one is from a student that I love. She is so special and the gift meant so much.  I love all my students and this year I couldn't be more thankful for the ones who had to be there as I experienced my grief. Can't help but think this is a God thing as well.

I come back to my classroom after taking the kids outside and there is this bag sitting on my desk.  My sweet friend Tracie left me this prize.  The bracelet says Be Brave.  Not only is the bracelet amazing, I can be reminded to be brave like when I have to make adult decisions alone, but it also included a donation to Accelerate Brian Cancer Cure. How special right?!  So what number are we on now? Good thing four and good thing five.

 

 Seriously, God is amazing. My friends are amazing. My family is amazing. My life is amazing.  We are just missing that one amazing piece.  In the afternoon, it was official, the offer I put in was accepted and I accepted the offer being made on my house. Good thing six. There are still many things such as inspections and such that have to fall into place to make this a done deal, but if it's meant to be it will be. Good thing seven was a nice cook out with my framily who I have been missing.  Then as I headed home from that, my bestie in Colorado, Lindsey asked me if I had checked my mail. Don't tell my mom and dad, but I hadn't checked the mail in several days. You won't believe what we got.  The missing piece in all of this happiness is our Daddy. Well here he is. Lindsey used one of Brian's shirts to make a dress for Harper. Simply incredible.  Here is our piece of Daddy getting to be worn by the sweet child we made. Good thing eight. Good things for us come in eights.  It's hard not to believe that God knows our prayers and answers them. It's hard not to think that Brian is up there rejoicing because this is what he would want. Many people have said I deserve the good things coming. Even though I know that I don't deserve them, God provides. So instead of keeping my house impeccably clean and shuttling my dogs in the car for a million showings this weekend, I will try to be the good things in other people's lives. I will also go to the gym, maybe visit Brian's grave to talk out the decisions, hang out with friends, go to Mya's dance recital, go to church, and take a trip to Disney because after all, Harper NEEDS to see princesses.  Most of all I will continue to feel grateful for the good things in my life.

Entry 27: Home Sweet Home

 So...I have made the not-easy decision to sell our house. Before you freak out and think..what!?!?!?  How soon! How fast! Why?!?!   I am not leaving because it is hard to be in this house. In fact, I think it will be harder not to be in this house. I am not running from memories or even looking for a fresh start (which would be totally normal and fine).  For me it's because for years Brian and I have been longing to move to a bigger place that is zoned for different schools. Last year we even got as far as contacting a realtor and the bank. As the realtor walked our home telling us how to get it show ready, the task seemed overwhelming and impossible considering Brian was not consistently feeling well. Financially, we also could not afford exactly what we wanted. So the dream remained a dream and was a constant continued discussion that felt impossible.  Even in the end, Brian would make me promise to move somewhere safe. He would have me in a gated community if it were up to him. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago....a friend advertised that their neighbor's house was for sale in the neighborhood I want to live in. So I decided to go fact finding and just investigate my options.  Turns out because Brian set us up financially and because this house, the house he bought, is now worth more, the move is doable. The process in the beginning was exciting.

 Then the realtor came to meet with me and it got WAY TOO REAL!

You may be saying to yourself now....hold up! Your friends are in the real estate business and you didn't use them?!?! You got some explaining to do.  Well here it is....Because this is such an emotional process I needed someone not involved emotionally.  I needed a stranger. I needed someone who would not feel sad when I felt sad. Someone who wouldn't look at the pictures on my wall or see the professional pictures of my home and feel the same attachment to them that I do. I needed a neutral party who didn't really know my story. So to my real estate friends, I am sorry.

Back to the WAY TOO REAL...

This is our home. We got engaged in the kitchen on a day I came home from work less than happy. The elephants in Harper's room were painted by her Daddy free hand.  The couch still holds Brian's butt groove from where he always sat.  The neighbors are the best you could literally ever ask for. I feel like God was saying....you sure you want to leave them when I left my garage door open not once but twice this week.  Each neighbor called me to tell me and closed it for me.  This is only a tiny thing they constantly do for me, but great neighbors are the best! How the heck can I move?!?!?!

The other thing that is scary is the unknown. As Cally reminded me, I like things planned and in a neat pretty package. Buying and selling at the same time is not neat or pretty.  Well the house is neat but there is no way to make a plan. There is no predicting how fast my house will sell. There is also no way to guarantee that the house I want to buy will still be available. I guess what I am saying is there is no control. WUGH! My least favorite thing ever.

So how can I move???  I can because I know that I am following "our" dream. I am focusing on the fact that home means the memories are inside of us. 119 North Twin Maple Road will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Yet...

"Home is not a place...it's a feeling."

So as we cross our fingers and toes, shuttle the dogs out the second there is a showing, and drive around aimlessly, I will remember "our" dream. I will remember our shared goals. I will make sure that when we do get a new home, I do all that I can to bring the feelings of "our" home with us.

Just in case you know someone interested...here's the link to our home: http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/119-N-Twin-Maple-Rd_Saint-Augustine_FL_32084_M52801-12718