Entry 83: Four Years

It is insane to me to think that it has been four whole years since we all were around Brian as he left this world. It is insane to me that four years of life have continued on. It is insane to me all the changes that those four years have brought. It is insane to me that he is not here to

experience them all with us. It's insane to me how Harper is SO MUCH LIKE HIM! It's insane to me that I was so worried that my just turned three year old wouldn't have her own memories of her dad and how insanely wrong I was. It is insane to me to feel like it just happened but it's also felt like FOREVER since I have seen him. It's insane to me that after 3 years of cancer and 4 years without him, people continue to show up, show love, and always at the times it is really needed. It's insane to me how the little details slip away the further it gets from the him being alive.

I am always thankful for his love. I challenged my staff to do something ridiculous today for the sole purpose of making someone laugh. I challenged them to maybe even send a dead cockroach in a folded up piece of paper. When thinking about Brian and all that made him him, it is these types of little things that all add up. The fact that he flirted with anyone and everyone. The way he taught me to talk to anyone and ask

truly how they are. The way he knew way too many facts about football or music, but could NOT remember to tell me he was going out of town for work. The way he cherished his friends and kept them for so long. The way he ALWAYS had random prizes for no reason at all. The way he would cry laugh at his own jokes or something so inappropriate that he couldn't stop laughing. The way he was so proud of his baby and showed it in every way possible. The way that nothing was too ridiculous for him. Want to drive to Disney on a Friday night just to eat in Japan and drive

back again? Sure! Why not? Let's go! The way he had the most insane ideas like a gorilla mask at an engagement photoshoot but the ideas were hilarious. The way he was always always thinking of something witty. The way he gave time and taught me the important of quality time. The way he clung to hope through it all. The way he brought our community of people together so that even on this random COVID day 4 years after he died,

Harper and I are NEVER ever alone even if we can't have a lightning squad party. The community so amazing that we woke up to a 14 minute video of all the friends sending love, support and happy birthdays. So today I leave you with RANDOM Brian. RIDICULOUS Brian. I challenge you to do something today, just for the sake of laughter. My hope is that as we continue to live life post Brian, we will take notice of all the little things that made him so special and see them in the common things of life. Excited to celebrate our baby today even though I don't accept 7 years old!

Entry 82: Grief Has Arrived

 It doesn't matter how much you anticipate it's arrival. It doesn't matter that it is expected. It doesn't matter that you've done this before. Grief comes, it stays, and it hits hard and heavy.

I swear to you our body saves and remembers even if our brain doesn't. January was bad for several years before Brian died.  Looking at my line a day journal I know January 11th is normally the time the grief comes. This year on the 11th I was still feeling good. I thought maybe this year, I will happily remember Brian and not feel the chest squeezing grief. WRONG. Grief came like a freight train on Wednesday, two days late, and seems to be taking its sweet time. Why is it still so strong this year? Is it because I feel so disconnected from my lightning squad people because of dumb COVID? Is it because life has been really really really happy for an extended period of time (no break ups) that being sad feels even worse? Is it because no matter what it just sucks to lose the person you love? I do not know. But it's hard! I am doing my self care. I am eating well again. I am working out. I am being consistent with routines to feel a sense of control. But grief remains.

That's a lot of bad so what is good? I enjoy my job even though I miss the classroom a bit. I work with great people. Josh is amazing. I love him. We had two awesome trips and got to spend quality time with his family. According to Harper she has new cousins.  Harper loves her Dot and loves when he spends the night even though it makes it so she doesn't sleep with me. He makes her laugh and teaches her to be ridiculous and I think Brian would really appreciate that. Sally moved back and Harps gets to see her grandma way more often! My parents are a minute away and even though we are being super safe, we still get to see them from a distance. But the best of all is Harper. She's amazing. She's reading and it's the most exciting thing for her educator mom. She's one thousand and ten percent Brian. She's ridiculous. She says "Huzaah!" when she does something that isn't even that spectacular and it makes me laugh every time. She's decided she needs spa music to help her sleep. She advocates for herself when I don't let her share her point of view. She is generous with her friends and almost put her items back in Target when using her own gift card because I said a water bottle was pretty. She's fun, she's thankful, and she's super affirming!

I can't wait for Covid to pass and grief to pass and all the reconnecting that is going to happen. For now I will sit with this grief and think of it like my dad said "Grief is a way of remembering" and I sure as hell never want to forget.