I already wrote about losing Fletcher. In every sad event I try to look for the lesson. With Brian passing, we have learned so much. How to love others, the kindness of friends, family and strangers, and just how important life is. These are just a few of the lessons taken away from that. But honestly there are a million and I know in my heart of hearts there was a bigger purpose for his passing. I am still really struggling to find the purpose in Fletcher's death. Life has gotten a little easier because Macy and Bella are so chill and easy going, but man do I miss Fletcher's awesome snuggles and fluffy ears. In the beginning I was really mad because his loss was so purposeless. I still have yet to find the new lesson but I am way less angry.
Last Sunday, after a great day at Disney with my mom and dad, I drove home ready to start a new week. 20 minutes from home, I crashed my car on 95. I am not giving too many details, not because I don't share the bad, but because it isn't smart for insurance purposes to put it all out here. As I pulled over and called 911, I was shaking. When I hung up a sweet voice from the backseat said, "Mommy, what did they say?" Harper, myself, and the other driver were completely fine. I was shaken, but fine. The deputy who came to help was beyond kind and helpful. Tori came to pick me up, my parents drove up to help out, and I have awesome insurance that provided a rental car. Now with this accident, I see the lesson. I need to SLOW DOWN. This is super hard for me. Everyone knows I keep my schedule insanely full. I like it that way. Brian and I were busy but I have taken it to a whole new level. It normally makes me feel fulfilled. The Friday before my wreck, I stayed in because Harper was sick. It was the longest stint I had been at home in a long time. When I laid in bed at night, I cried. A loneliness enveloped my body. It is a different kind of lonely...a kind that feels permanent. The next day was the amazing Cancer Smash event at the gym that gave me all sorts of feels. Afterwards we laid low with the neighbors. That night, although I was surrounded by people all day, the same kind of loneliness hit. I am searching for fulfillment that I think only Brian can provide. So it's tough. Although I was not on my phone during the time of the accident, I have been known to use my phone while driving. The phone has become a space filler for me since Brian passed. It is an addiction that I am not excited about and would like to limit. It's a goal for me.This bring us back to the lesson from this crash is big. It is to SLOW DOWN and be present. It doesn't mean I won't use my phone, but definitely not in the car and definitely WAY less than I do currently. I know it won't happen over night. I also know pushing pause will have me face to face with the hard feelings even more than I already am. I know that is part of the healing but it isn't easy and it is super hard to schedule grief knowing how it will make me feel.
Now we can't end with sad and hard so let's talk about our magical trip. The accident messed up my plans to drive to North Carolina to have an early Thanksgiving with all of Brian's cousins and his Aunt. I was supposed to drive but no longer wanted to do the 7 hour journey alone with just Harps. As I sent the sad text letting them know we wouldn't be able to make it, Debbie and Beff did the nicest thing ever, they bought us plane tickets. To say the trip was magical is an understatement. First, there was FALL. I mean yellow leaves, gorgeous weather, and trees with changing colors.
There was family. Harper doesn't even need a second before she is asking Debbie for snacks or pulling Beff's hand to come play. There is family and nice nightly chats. There are animals! Dogs, chickens and a horse! There was a big family gathering with stuffing and the most delicious pecan pie. Harper lit up when seeing her cousins. I love traveling with her because I get to see just how good she is. I have all of this love in my life because of Brian. This is Brian's family but what is most awesome is that it is my family too. A place where Harper and I are insanely spoiled, we feel completely comfortable and we get to do new things like ride a four-wheeler, a first for both Harper and myself. Vacations are the best because they force me to slow down. There is no to-do list and I didn't even have a car. We spent hours outside running hills and enjoying fall. It was magical.
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