1. Two weeks leading up to my birthday I was struggling. I had no plans on the calendar and it was weird. Brian and I always treated birthdays like a big deal so other than his birthday, which I always planned and did again this year, Valentine's Day, Halloween, etc weren't too incredibly hard this year. But when you have no plans for your own birthday weekend and the person who normally coordinates them isn't here, ahhhh. What do you do? This is most definitely me having a pity party! But have no fear all of my people took care of me and went above and beyond! Homemade cookie cake, a party which was a relaxing night to chat, Catch Phrase, the birthday fairy breaking in and decorating, breakfast cooked in my own home, gingerbread house making, bestie time, and Carols by Candlelight at church equals one of the best birthdays. Best of all friends wrote sweet cards. The kind that make you cry and give you kind of a big head. But truly they touched me so much. I am so blessed to have my family, my friends, my lightning squad, and my new gym crew. How does someone get blessed with so many villages and communities that surround them with love?!?! Seriously? How did I get so lucky? I just think of how blessed Harper is to know so much love.
2. Speaking of feeling loved, look at my most used word on Facebook this year.
Look at the most prominent words other than Harper's hashtag: brian, harper, thankful. SO SO SO true! If that doesn't sum me up here are the other ones that stand out to me: love, friend, memories, happy, time. Yes! Yes! Yes! All the things I love. Even though my heart hurts at times and I miss Brian, I am so happy with the time friends pour into making new memories with us that make us feel so loved.
3. Today was the annual Employee Recognition program at school. This is where we recognize the teacher of the year. Several years ago, they started making amusing videos to go with the program. And some crazy soul let Brian host it! He was also so proud of his clever ideas for the skits. We all know Brian loved attention and was always "on" but in these shows he was turned up the millionth degree. Today as part of the program, they played clips from previous years. Now I can look at pictures all day long, but a video. GAH! It hits me like big time. In these videos he was hamming it up. He was hysterical, ridiculous and larger than life. So as I sat in an auditorium full of others who knew Brian and some who didn't, I laughed through tears that I couldn't get under control. I cried a lot. Seeing him so real, so healthy, so joyful. I remember the times he would film and it would be a secret and he would come home bursting with pride about how clever he thought he was. There was even a scene of the former school president, Danny Hutto, sitting on the couch in our old house. I seriously had all the feels. When I left to go pick up Harps from school, I just kept thinking about it. I even told her all about them. I think videos of him so alive, so healthy, so fat! Ha! His facial expressions, his ridiculous acting voice, his antics. I MISS HIM! I mean I miss him something fierce. There is just no one like him. I am so so so thankful they showed those videos today. My heart needs to miss him. It's so easy to remember him sick and skinny, but it was so great to see him as the Brian I know and the Brian I fell in love with. I will post the videos for you all to enjoy when I get them. My heart hurts tonight but I am sitting here with his mom, Sally, who knew him the longest, talking about him and everything else too. That feels right.
I am thankful for this life. I am most thankful for the people in this life. Thankful for the people who make these hard times easier. The people who miss him right along with me. The people who never knew him but support me and listen like it is the most important thing they do that day. I know Christmas will be tough. I mean sending a Christmas card without him on it feels wrong. But I have the greatest gift, Harper, an everyday reminder of Brian's love and ridiculousness. I also have the love of this village. My people.
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