Entry 50: January 10ths

So today has been rough. I’ve been having physical anxiety with no real explanation. Luckily I had counseling today! Wahoo. I was describing all the things I was feeling and she kept saying how the anniversary does something to you even if it’s subconscious. She also talked about emotional memory of times in the past that might be underlying but I wasn’t really buying it. I thought she’d say, not every day is a happy day, do your job and do it well, get rid of distractions and stop trying to live in a happy bubble. The world has real things in it that are terrible and not always nice. This is not what she said at all. She said do more things that make you happy. You need to take care of yourself on the anticipation of this anniversary coming up. She again mentioned emotional memory and I blew it off.

While tonight, after having a not so happy Karen Day, I decided to take a bath with Harper because we didn’t spend a lot of time together today or yesterday. Or maybe I just miss her because all Christmas break we spent 24/7 together. I also had the great idea to let the Roomba run to clean up the sand that Harper dumped out of her shoes from the playground at school. I leave it running. I didn’t take into account that the dogs had had a longer than normal day and although I let them out before they ate, I didn’t after they ate. You can guess what happened. Poop on the Roomba!!!! I’m that person. This isn’t something you can just say...I quit! I’ll deal with it later. As I cried (because that’s the appropriate reaction when your robot eats poop) Harper kindly says, “I’m sorry mommy. Tonight is a terrible night. I’m sorry.” Then proceeded to give me a big hug! This girl knows empathy but seriously! A poopy Roomba!  So I don’t like this January 10th very much at all.

As I climbed into bed tonight to hope for a better tomorrow, I wrote in my line a day journal and read the previous years:

2015-Boys came over for the Skins game. B had another episode where he couldn’t move his toes off to the ER. Mom and dad came. Slept in the ER

This is the beginning of the time when they told us it was back with a vengeance and Brian didn’t have as long to live...which we way later learned was incorrect. But still. That’s a no good January 10th.


2016-I went to work. B stayed in bed all day. He had a fall. After being sick all day we came to the ER. Greg, Bug, Trey and Zak all came too.


After weeks of not feeling well, this was the last day Brian was home.  That thought is just so so sad. That’s a no good January 10th.

It’s sad. It’s hard stuff to remember but I think that counselor was on to something. Although these events were not specific anniversaries I have memorized, my subconscious knew or this is that emotion memory she was talking about. It’s hurts my heart. All the feelings that went into those previous January 10ths. Rough stuff.

This grief thing is wild and so so unpredictable. And from here on out I think I’ll skip January 10th (sorry if it’s your birthday). I know this too shall pass. I’m hoping to be back in my happy bubble when I wake up.