My heart just feels heavy.
I find myself cooking dinner listening to my sweet baby play and make up all sorts of stories in the play room and I find myself crying at the sink doing dishes.
Yesterday my heart got even heavier. My friend’s husband died at a young age. She has two young boys. My heart feels heavy for all they will have to experience and face in the years ahead. Even though I’ve been there I just keep thinking, “I can’t imagine!” I feel stuck like I don’t even know what to do to support her. Weird right? After going through if I thought I’d be a pro.
My heart is heavy for friends experiencing divorce and huge life changes.
My heart feels heavy because my besties have boyfriends and I just want Brian to meet/harass them.
My heart feels heavy for reasons I can’t even put my finger on.
But then I read my journal and realize what a tough week this was 2 years ago. I also think I typed a blog on this day last year too.Today was the day I finally convinced Brian to go to the hospital to get some relief. Sad pictures show up on my Timehop of my man looking very sick. It makes sense that my body remembers this heaviness even if I’m not expecting it. Then I read this old January 10th blog http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2018/01/entry-50-january-10ths.html?m=1 and realize it wasn’t only 2 years ago but lots of January days during this week.
I miss companionship. I miss my person who cared the most. I miss not having to be 100% responsible for all things.
But you know what’s insane. God knew just what I needed yesterday. It’s like he’s stalking me just like my phone and my Instagram ads. As I try to self sabatoge and convince my parents to meet me for pizza, my mom gently reminds me how much better I’ll feel if I just eat healthy. As I walk up to the gym, my friend/coach is standing outside with a hug and listens to me be a basket case. As I’m eating dinner my bestie Dani texts me as if she can read my brain. And at the end of the night right before I fall asleep, I receive a text from a church friend whom I rarely text who said she saw me across church Sunday and I am a radiant person who lights up a room with my joy and life and love. I mean how much did God know I needed to hear that?!
So as I sit with my heavy heart and in my grief and in this stuck place of not knowing what I need or what to do for others, I hope what she said is true. I hope I can be that person. I have a lot to look forward to: celebrating Harper turning 5 with a magical unicorn party, going back to the mountain house with our people, taking a trip to Utah to see some of Brian’s favorite hiking places and places I visited as a kid. I have the whole year ahead to do new things, take more risks, and continue to enjoy just how good my life is. But this week I still give myself grace. Sit in the heaviness. Try not to eat pizza. Remember my man who truly brought so much joy. And be thankful for our creation who begs to sleep with me every night, won’t say hi to my friends, but says “I miss Daddy” at just the perfect times.
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