Entry 69: Doors Opening

Continuing with my mom's theory that my life never stays calm I have exciting news. Friday morning I signed my new contract. I am now going to be the Assistant Principal of the Deaf Middle School where I have worked as a teacher for the past 11 years.

Let's rewind. In May when driving back to work from a counseling appointment, my boss asked to speak with me. I thought I was in trouble. Ha! She said they needed someone to fill in temporarily in the role of Assistant Principal for the last month of school and asked me to do it. For like a split second, I was tempted to say no because I was starting my online teaching job with UNF and felt
overwhelmed, but of course in true Karen fashion, I said yes. I started my first meeting with my peers saying, this is just temporary. I don't want this job permanently. I am not ready to leave the classroom. Welp! Turns out I was wrong. I have loved leading such a strong group of teachers. I have loved interacting with even more students. I have love seeing my circle of influence grow. So when the position was posted, I applied. It felt like a door was opened right in my face and I had no choice but to run through it excitedly even if it meant not getting it and continuing my teaching job that I love.

This blog is supposed to focus on grief and life after Brian so what does this have to do with it?  Well when big things like this happen, I just want to know what Brian is thinking! Would he think this is crazy? Would he love it? Would he make jokes about how now I can never win Teacher of the Year? I just want to know what he would say!!! Just like a life without Brian was never what I expected, a life not being a teacher is a weird feeling too! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what this new position adds to my life but it is also a weird new identity. Widow, Professor, Single Mom, Assistant Principal all within 2.5 years. EEK! But here I go, approaching it with joy!

Entry 68: Things End

Things end. And even when things are supposed to end, it’s still hard when it does. My relationship has come to an end. Not for any bad reasons. It just didn’t work. I know breaking up is the risk of dating again, but gosh does it open up grief and just make me miss the hell out of Brian. If he was here I wouldn’t have to do this. Instead I’d be fighting him because I told him how to drive for the billionth time or arguing about who gets to take Harps to school.

Even before any of this break up garbage, life has felt so abnormal lately and I just want normal. I can’t even define what that is. But I want to crawl into a blanket of normal and wrap up in it and let it comfort me. It’s so hard when seeking this comfort of normal and it’s nowhere to be found and you don’t even know where to begin to look.

Everyone talks about finding the new normal after a loss and if I’m honest I feel like normal is a fleeting concept. There have been stages in the past almost two and a half years where things get normal for a period of time, but these periods have never lasted. That’s hard for a control freak like me. 

But even though I can’t find normal and what I wouldn’t give to have Brian give me a wonderful thunder jacket hug, I choose thankful. Gosh how unbelievably thankful am I for the relationships that remain in my life. People who have loved on me and fulfilled every promise made to Brian about loving his girls. I’m thankful for my mom and dad being here, constantly present, constantly available physically and emotionally. I’m thankful for living in a small town and making amazing connections with people that my daughter would literally go pack a bag and move in with other families if I said yes. I’m thankful that Harps and I have our big trip to visit Grandma in England on the horizon to look forward to. I’m thankful that I couldn’t participate in national best friend day on social media because I have too many people that I consider my besties. Most of all I’m thankful that I have the chance to live this beautiful, far from normal life. And I get to do this with my people and my amazing little girl.

Entry 67: VPK Graduation? HOW???

Life has been hectic lately. The kind where mom says, "Is your life going to slow down and be normal at some point?" The answer to that is probably not. I have started dating (WHAT? OMG! NOWAY!), started teaching my online college course, and took on some additional duties and responsibilities at work. And oh yeah, I am planning a summer camp too. My mind is constantly going.

 I haven't written one of these in a really long time. Not because I am not experiencing grief, I think it is more that it has just become a natural, normal everyday part of life that there isn't a big aha moment to share.

That being said, Harper's grief has become much more visible. Before you say AWWWWW and have a huge pity party for her, for the most part it seems like she is displaying it in healthy ways. However, I didn't realize that even watching The Little Mermaid wasn't safe. We have seen the movie 100 times but when she got to the end this week and King Triton was waving Ariel off after her wedding, Harper started sobbing! Like full on ugly cry. That scene made her miss her daddy. She talks about him daily and loves learning new facts about him. Thanks to The Lego Movie 2, she now knows who Radiohead is and knows it was one her daddy's favorites.

This week Brian would be so in love with all things Harper. So although I don't cry while watching her VPK graduation or her nailing her dance rehearsal (nailing is used loosely here because it's like watching cats on parade), I do feel sad for what he's missing. We created this really awesome kid who is a ham just like him.  Who is brave and kind. Who is silly and sometimes inappropriate. Who is so curious and so in tune with her surroundings. I also wish he was here to celebrate our sweet Adaline Jean turning two or his original baby, Madison graduate from high school. I am so thankful that my people continue to show up and support me. They continue to pour love into Harps and me. I am immeasurably thankful that my parents live so close by and are so involved in our everyday lives.

As far as dating goes, Brian ruined me. He trained me to expect ridiculous amounts of quality time that may be impossible in any relationship. But I think he would be super happy with how his baby is being treated.

I would still give anything to have him back but for now, I will stare at my VPK graduate and wonder how the heck did I get so lucky to create this soon-to-be kindergartner.(Also please note the weird way Harper holds her mouth while wearing lipstick! I love it!)

Entry 66: No No No

Sometimes life is the worst. As I prepared for an amazing trip to Utah with friends, I forgot something at the house and turned around to get it. When I saw a lot of my best friend next door on a Thursday

morning, I knew something was going on. I Well, I got the news that my friend and neighbor Harold died prematurely. As I hugged Michelle his wife just saying no no no and held her face my heart broke. As I hugged her 13 year old daughter and told her I’d always be here my heart cracked more. The heaviness is insane. I don’t want any more people to join the young widow club. It’s not right. The community around this family is strong and generous and so multi-faceted that I have no doubt that everyone will make it through it even though no one will get over this. But as I sit here on this plane crying my eyes out next to a stranger, I feel crushed. Crushed for a life ending too soon. Crushed that I have to tell my daughter that another important  male in her life is gone too soon. I’m crushed for his babies. There’s no right age to lose a dad but seven and thirteen is too young or too old or just not right! I’m crushed for Michelle who I know will be stronger than imaginable. Who will navigate this grief with a badassness that she always possesses. I’m crushed for his best friends. I’m crushed for everyone effected by the ripples of this loss, who had to find out today, who were involved in any way.

It was an impossible decisions but our group made the choice to still head to Utah because we know the family is surrounded. It’s hard being so far away when I just want to be present. We also felt that Harold would want us to come. He loved hiking. So while out here I’m committed to appreciating the life I get to live. Remembering all the good about Harold. Grieving. Loving everyone close to me even more than I already do. Finding the beauty even in the common things of life.

I know I’m struggling to understand the purpose behind such heavy and sudden loss. Maybe there’s a reason I moved next door to the Skids. Maybe there’s a reason I’m supposed to be out here in Utah so I can come in as the second wave of support. Maybe there is a peace I’m supposed to find out in nature. I don’t know. All I know is that crushing blow is tough on everyone involved. I know this loss will be felt. I know people will show up and continue to show up on the days, weeks, months and years to come. 

I would love to see the interaction of Brian meeting Harold for the first time and thanking him for being so good to Harper. For excitedly giving her Christmas presents that he picked out himself. For ignoring a football game in order to play with her in the pool for hours even when I wouldn’t. For stepping up to take care of us by mowing the yard the day we moved in, randomly fertilizing my yard just because he was doing his, or just thanking him for sitting and having a glass of wine with me on my driveway while the kids played. I’d also love to see Brian give him shit for Harold wearing lightning bolt leggings during our hurricane party and actually thinking they were comfortable or tying up his lightning bolt tank for Cancer Smash and rocking it! 

I know I don’t get to understand the why. and I can’t make the heaviness disappear. But I do know that I get to witness again the overwhelming goodness of people. The insane generosity of a community. The amazing resilience of little kids. The fierceness of a widow doing whatever she can for her family. The grace of a community. And I get to be reminded to truly tell everyone exactly what I love about this every day and all the time. 

Entry 65: Two Years

My brain can’t really comprehend that it’s been five whole years since I had Harper. I think back to 5 years ago and just love the feeling of how close Brian and I were. He was all about this baby. We were finishing binge watching Breaking Bad. We were hopeful and so excited for the future ahead. When I would experience unexplained anxiety while pregnant he would thunder jacket me and just hold me as tight as possible.

I am not going to lie this past month has been TOUGH!  How has it been 2 years since Brian died? I need that thunder jacket more than ever. For the last four days my physical anxiety has been through the roof. It’s in my chest. It’s disrupting my sleep! And the things I do that work to ease it aren't helping and I just want that thunder jacket hug from my man.

Saying all that, we are so beyond blessed. We had a magical unicorn party with school friends then our adult friend. When our house is full my heart is so full even if I’m not engaging and just observing. Harper looked at me multiple times during her party and said, “This is the best birthday ever!” She is so grateful and knows just how much she is loved. Grandma got her a bounce house and GeGe and Bampy got her a cake that made her face light up.  As I hugged her at the end of the night I looked down at her and right in the middle of her new unicorn shirt that she had worn all day was a tiny stitched lightning bolt. I didn't notice it when we bought it or when I got her dressed in the morning, but there it was staring right at me at the end of the day right when I needed it.

Here is a quote our cousin shared with me this week: “The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them.
How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering.
Grief keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”~ Francis Weller

I am in no way calling myself mature. We know how stupidly excited I get about otters, feeding animals, and children’s events. However I do believe grief and gratitude go hand and hand. I’m sitting here at 6:30 this morning even though I took the day off reading all of the kind things I screenshotted during our 11 days in Hospice. I’m crying my eyes out but also thinking how thankful I am for the community that didn’t only support us then but continues to day in and day out.

As I sit here tonight I am thankful for the lightning squad that filled my house to celebrate Harps and to love on me. I have so much gratitude. These people are hurting right along side me but stay there to support us through it all. My parents have been such a huge support too. I can't even begin to describe how thankful. And poor them! They get the brunt of my stress and anxiety even though it's not about them at all.  I sit here INSANELY thankful for an amazing gift I received today that made me cry so hard I almost threw up. Brian was the KING of surprises and bringing home prizes. My friends today showed up with a phone for me knowing how much I wanted portrait mode. They said they knew if Brian were alive he would have already given this prize. So world, be ready for those pictures for #fiveacious.

Right now I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to laugh. I feel like a crazy person even though I guess that's what you're supposed to feel like the day your baby turns 5 and 2 years after her amazing daddy leaves this place. I am thankful for my people. I appreciate everyone who reached out today. I appreciate how much my baby is loved on. She doesn't even realize how good she has it but I sure see it. Everyone fulfilling those promises to Brian and really nurturing his girls. So as I continue to ride this wave and be stretched by the gratitude and grief I carry, I am thankful. I feel loved. And I just can't imagine how happy Brian would be to see the people around us. 

Entry 64: It’s Here Again

I don’t know why I don’t prep for this month. I think I’m also focused on the holidays then on Harper’s birthday/the anniversary of Brian’s death, but I forget about this week.

My heart just feels heavy.

I find myself cooking dinner listening to my sweet baby play and make up all sorts of stories in the play room and I find myself crying at the sink doing dishes.

Yesterday my heart got even heavier. My friend’s husband died at a young age. She has two young boys. My heart feels heavy for all they will have to experience and face in the years ahead. Even though I’ve been there I just keep thinking, “I can’t imagine!” I feel stuck like I don’t even know what to do to support her. Weird right? After going through if I thought I’d be a pro. 

My heart is heavy for friends experiencing divorce and huge life changes.

My heart feels heavy because my besties have boyfriends and I just want Brian to meet/harass them.

My heart feels heavy for reasons I can’t even put my finger on.

But then I read my journal and realize what a tough week this was 2 years ago. I also think I typed a blog  on this day last year too.Today was the day I finally convinced Brian to go to the hospital to get some relief. Sad pictures show up on my Timehop of my man looking very sick. It makes sense that my body remembers this heaviness even if I’m not expecting it. Then I read this old January 10th blog http://notestojoan.blogspot.com/2018/01/entry-50-january-10ths.html?m=1 and realize it wasn’t only 2 years ago but lots of January days during this week.

 I miss companionship. I miss my person who cared the most. I miss not having to be 100% responsible for all things.

But you know what’s insane. God knew just what I needed yesterday. It’s like he’s stalking me just like my phone and my Instagram ads. As I try to self sabatoge and convince my parents to meet me for pizza, my mom gently reminds me how much better I’ll feel if I just eat healthy. As I walk up to the gym, my friend/coach is standing outside with a hug and listens to me be a basket case. As I’m eating dinner my bestie Dani texts me as if she can read my brain. And at the end of the night right before I fall asleep, I receive a text from a church friend whom I rarely text who said she saw me across church Sunday and I am a radiant person who lights up a room with my joy and life and love. I mean how much did God know I needed to hear that?!

So as I sit with my heavy heart and in my grief and in this stuck place of not knowing what I need or what to do for others, I hope what she said is true. I hope I can be that person. I have a lot to look forward to: celebrating Harper turning 5 with a magical unicorn party, going back to the mountain house with our people, taking a trip to Utah to see some of Brian’s favorite hiking places and places I visited as a kid. I have the whole year ahead to do new things, take more risks, and continue to enjoy just how good my life is. But this week I still give myself grace. Sit in the heaviness. Try not to eat pizza.  Remember my man who truly brought so much joy. And be thankful for our creation who begs to sleep with me every night, won’t say hi to my friends, but says “I miss Daddy” at just the perfect times.

Entry 63: I Prayed for You

When I look at my baby all I see is Brian. His antics, his facial expressions, him!  How could I not love her more than anything. When I hear her talk though she’s my little parrot. Squealing over babies, telling the puppies to HUSH!, and thinking everyday is the best day ever. I miss Brian. Like all the time every day. So does Harper. A few weeks ago she says, “Mommy I want you to get married again so I can have another Daddy.” Gah! Rip my heart out! She still remembers him every single day and talks about him in a way that shows she knows him and has her own memories of him. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

But for myself there’s so much I want to talk to Brian about! I want to tell him Cally and Dodd got engaged. I want to Christmas shop for him and buy surprises. I want to talk football. I wanted him to be at that Jags/Redskins game with me and all the friends! 

Let me tell you what you shouldn’t do when you’re feeling this way and you randomly cry mid workout for no apparent reason...the answer is watch This is Us. I mean I did it to myself but geezum! A character who lost her husband is talking to a baby saying I thought it was an end but maybe now I’m just in the middle. Being in the middle is tough. I want Brian here to experience Harper’s cute as can be Christmas pageant. I want him to be here making decisions when she tells Santa that she wants a real live kitty and motorcycle. Seriously?! 

Tonight as I was hiding in the guest room preparing for Christmas, Harper calls for me. I slightly panic then remember I locked the door. Slightly annoyed I say, “Are you supposed to be out of your bed?” And she says, “I just prayed for you.” So I paused and went in and asked if I could pray for her. What a freaking great reminder of how we should be! I love my mini-Brian and am so so so so so thankful for her.