Entry 54: 1 year + 3 months + 3 days

So here I sit, on the couch with my little love watching some god awful children’s show on Netflix and I’m overwhelmed by the huge void. Life is amazing. My job is awesome, I love my friends, my parents live here and aren’t hating it, I’m as busy as ever, financially I feel stable, and I’m healthier than ever, yet there is a void. Although I cry less, I miss Brian something fierce.

It’s nothing tangible, it’s more like why don’t I feel 100% satisified right now?? Everything is in place. There’s no huge stress or worry. My routine is working out great and Harper is doing wonderfully...I mean as wonderfully as a sassy 4 year old with Brian’s genes can be doing. So what is it? I just miss him. Like everything about him! I miss someone texting me that cares about me. Not saying the people who text me now don’t care but it’s different. I miss sharing small details, gossip or big joys with him.  I miss remembering all the little details about him. I wish my brain was better like that.  I’ve only dreamt about him a handful of times and in everyone he’s breaking up with me!!! I had one this week, he breaks up with me and doesn’t care or show any emotion as I’m crushed! I’m sure there’s so much meaning behind this! I miss him. His touch, his voice, his big presence.

For Harper’s 4th birthday and the anniversary of Brian’s death, Brent wrote a book for Harper. At the time I didn’t give it the attention is deserved. Tonight I sat and read it to Harper. She was so involved and asked questions about every picture and shared her memories of them. It was incredible. I had to act out the part where when you insulted Brian back, he would touch his leg and say it doesn’t hurt here, then touch his arm and say or here, then touch his heart and say it hurts right here! Harper cracked up. By the end of the book I can’t contain my tears and my baby climbs in my lap and just hugs me. This last page, of loving enough for two. Gosh it got me!

Life is amazing just a little less amazing without him. My person.

Now let me end this with one amazing story of empathy.  Every year I assign a photo voice project at the end of the year. Students take picture from their lives, kind of like PhotosbyHarps. Then they pick 4 and write a poem, an expository essay, an argumentative essay, and a narrative. Several years ago I wrote my own poem about time.   About when you’re a child you want time to hurry up, then when I had a baby I wanted time to slow down then there was a stanza in there about after a cancer diagnosis not knowing how much time was left.   Fast forward to last week. My current students heard from my former students about my poem and asked to see it. I saw no problem with this and put is up on my SmartBoard. As we read it together, I was tearing up just a tiny bit. It hit me that I wrote the stanza about not realizing how much time was left just 7 months before Brian died. As I look up to make sure my students can’t tell that I’m crying, 4 of the  7 of them are crying. Visibly crying! People say how can you teach middle school!!?  This is how! My 14 and 15 year olds that have never met Brian, cried along with me over a mediocre poem with such strong meaning! I love them! It made me heart so happy/sad. That’s one emotion.

Brian makes it so easy to miss him! Now if he could just stop breaking up with me in my dreams and come give me a hug, that’d be great!

I am thankful for my life and what I have. This is not me complaining or asking for pity. This is just the expression of the huge void felt today. I guess this void is always here, but at times it is much more quiet. Today it is shouting, begging to be seen. Tonight I am again thankful for the baby we made, the village we have, and love so hard to be without.

Entry 53: 1 Year + 2 Months + 10 Days

So it is kind of like when you know exactly how old your baby is down to the month and sometimes even the day, then after a year your baby is just 1. Ha! That's how it feels. The month markers come, the reminder pops up in my phone to take a monthly picture of Harper because I never turned off my reminder which now serves as a new reminder that another month has gone by since Brian died.

The part that makes me the saddest now is what Brian is missing out on. He and Harper would be the BEST of friends. I would probably be chopped liver. They would have ridiculous rituals and inside jokes. I would probably be kicked out of the room so they could play alone. And she would most definitely be 10,000 times more inappropriate than she already is. I mean she screamed "Good job Mr. Boobies" to people who were running at the gym a few days ago. Thank you very much. That's my kid! But even more inappropriate than that! It makes me sad that he doesn't get to experience this. That he doesn't get to see her antics or mold her even more. It also amazes me how much she picked up from him in those first three years. I cannot tell you how many times it catches me off guard when she is EXACTLY like him, especially when she is being crazy or messing with me.

As I sat on the beach at sunrise service this morning with Harper asleep on me, my mom next to me, and my friends with us, I saw the word lightning in the Bible verse referring to how to angel came and rolled away the stone. Seeing the word lightning of course will always immediately make me think of Brian (which I am SO thankful for). I closed my eyes and got sad, just thinking about missing him. And him missing this. This life. With us. But then I thought, well crap! Isn't that the point of today? We have hope. That although I am sad for Brian, he isn't sad. He gets to be in heaven. He gets to have the best. It's hard for me. I like to know all things. I ask 1 million questions with friends, in staff meetings, in appointments. I like to know. So not knowing exactly what it's like on the other side is tough. But as I sat there on the beach, watching people tip out of chairs, listening to the waves crash I thought, I'm sad but also filled with so much hope and a hope that what Brian is experiencing now is so much better than this and what I think he is missing. Maybe he is even laughing knowing seeing what he is missing and knowing how much he has there. I don't know. And I won't every get those answers. But there is peace in the hope. And on the beach this morning, the message of Easter hit me a little harder and made me even that much more thankful.

I also am just overwhelmed by the good. There are so many good things. I like to know things but I also like lists, so here's another list of 3 recent good things great things:

1. I feel so incredibly loved. The person who loved me most and was my person is gone. But more than ever I feel loved. Not because of something I am pretending to be. But I feel loved, just for being me, truly myself. I have incredible groups of friends, new and old. People who build me up, reach out often, and genuinely care about my family.  People I can confide in without judgement. People who will tell me when my gym clothes are too big. People who will call me out when they are concerned. People who love me even if the frequency in which we hang out has decreased to an unacceptable amount. It is insane to me to know just how deep and wide our village continues to be. When I lay in bed at night and miss Brian, I then think these things. The person who loved me best is gone but I feel incredibly loved every single day even if I am opinionated, loud, bossy, and going a mile a minute. Who gets to be this loved? I feel so so so fortunate because missing a love like his is hard, but I feel fulfilled.

2. Harper knows him. She talks about him. I laugh to think that Fletcher stole Brian's thunder. We all know Brian loved to be the center of attention and now Harper doesn't mention missing Brian without throwing Fletcher into the mix too. But Brian and Fletcher are daily words spoken in our house. Today the Easter bunny left Harps a Polaroid camera at the end of her string connected to her basket. Harper has been really in to taking pictures. She used it to take a picture of Bampy, me, GeGe, Macy and Bella. A little later on, Harper said, "I need my camera!!! I need to take a picture of Brian!" Then she jumped on the couch and took a picture of our canvas of our last professional family photo.  Don't ask me why she is suddenly calling him Brian. I think it's because she hears everyone else refer to him in that way.  Friday night she drew him on an Easter egg. She also asked me to write Harper loves Daddy before dying an egg. Don't worry, Fletcher got his own egg too. She was excited to go to his grave today. When she is crying because she is tired or was
removed from a situation or because she can't find the most recent rock she took from a flower bed at a restaurant, she will often say....I miss Daddy. But most the times when she speaks of him it is with laughter, ridiculousness or love, very rarely is it with sadness. What a great way to not only remember her Daddy but to live like him.

Saying goodbye to the old house.

Hello St. Augustine!

3. MY MOM AND DAD ARE MOVING HERE! During chemo treatments, mom and dad would make the 3.5 hour commute every other week and when people would say, they should move here I would scream NO!  To me, mom and dad earned their retirement. They busted their butts to provide us with a great life full of sports, family vacations, awesome toys (that are super fun to rediscover when packing boxes), and much much more. They each worked for over 30 years. If they move here I will not be able to help but use them. After Brian died, I still didn't want them to move here because I prided myself on being independent (even if I did call them every time there was a crisis). Again I also think they have earned their retirement. But the longer Brian has been gone, the more I realized that the idea of them living close means spending as much time as possible with them, I got on board.  This change is hard. My parents have lived in the same house for 40 years! This is a huge transition for them, but also a new transition for us.  I am so excited that they will be 2 miles away. I am excited that Harper gets to have both sets of grandparents living so close. I am going to do my best not to abuse their awesome grand parenting and let them enjoy the retirement they have earned. But I truly am thrilled that my mom and dad will be just a bike ride away. How lucky are we?

It's been 1 year, 2 months, and 10 days without the love of my life. It has been two Easters. But on this Easter I am grateful for so much. For love, for hope, for new beginnings.

Entry 52: Everyday Amazings

So several cool things happened today. It was too much to explain in just a Facebook post so I thought I would put it here.

I still think about Brian all the time, everyday, and in so many parts of my life. These thoughts don't bring tears as often. They many times bring smiles. It's not to say I don't cry. I still get sad and just miss the heck out of him. But I love him and am just so darn thankful for who he was and who I am now because of him.

There have been a lot of cancer stories that have affected me lately. My heart literally hurts for families and I cry for them. I can't imagine what they're going through even though I experienced it with Brian.  Little babies having to experience chemo, scares for friends who have already dealt with so much, and another diagnosis before I can even get over the last one I have heard about.   It is so sad and weighs heavy on me. I wish I could give to people like I have received. That being said, amazing things happen daily and here are my three favorite from today.

1. Lia came across campus at the end of the day to hand me a note she found in her niece's backpack. It tickles me so much because her niece is older than Harper but looks forward to spending time with her. All the time I look around and think of just how much Harper is loved by so many. She is so blessed and so fortunate. Brian was so in love with her and he would be so fulfilled seeing all people that love her too. We think her little friend is just as awesome. I love the kindness of kids and just how much they truly love each other.


2. Story #2: Harper went to an FSDB elementary school basketball game with Dani tonight. While there, Lia was coaching. A former school employee came up to Lia and asked her how she ended up becoming the coach. He went on to say, you should get Brian out of retirement to come coach these kids. Lia asked Brian who? He said Newton!  Lia had no other choice but to tell him.  Needless to say, Brian's former buddy was distraught. It amazes me that over a year later people still don't know in one way or another.  It also amazes me that Brian made such an impact on people that they want him to be there to do the amazing things he used to do, like coach elementary school basketball. The more amazing thing in this is Harper. Harper overheard Dani tell me the story in the quick 3 minute handoff Dani and I did before the game. Dani took Harper to meet the man but she was too shy to even look at him. Well after the game when riding in the car, Harper says, "He didn't know Daddy was in heaven?" Dani told her that he did not but I am sure he was happy to have met you because you look like him.  Then 2 minutes later Harper says, "Awwwww,  he and Daddy were friends."  I mean she gets it. She like totally gets it. She knows her daddy was amazing. She knows he's in heaven (which is something she and I have NEVER talked about yet because the advice of the social worker at Hospice was that at the age of 3, and the level of thinking of a typical 3 year old, if you mention heaven it sounds like a place they can come back from or you can go visit) so we say things like Daddy's body is here at the grave but God is taking care of his soul. Doesn't matter. She gets it anyways!  Also, I mean how great that he was so impactful and that although the saddest thing is that Brian died when Harps was so young, but how really cool that she has so much insight and maturity about a topic many of us (ME!!!!) can barely talk about without freaking out.

Story #3:  Dani was with Harper in the first place so I could go to the gym for the Open announcement and to watch my friends work out. While I was there one of the members walked in with her friend. I recognized her immediately. She is a professor and every semester Brian would present in her class to her students. He LOVED presenting to college students. Maybe because they always laughed, maybe because they were typically full of cute girls, who knows?!?  But when she came in, I said, "I know you, you did a lot of amazing things for my family when Brian was going through treatment." She smiled and confirmed that she sure was that person. She was part of a fundraiser that our friends did and her students gave toys specifically for Harper when they delivered the huge check from the fundraiser. Although, I hope I sent her a thank you card at the time, it was awesome to be able to actually thank her in person and tell her how much it truly meant. She also shared so many of her own personal stories of Brian and the ridiculous things he did while presenting. She said, "I knew him before he met you, and was there when he talked about meeting you, and mostly how much he talked about Harper." He was so proud. I loved hearing her stories and remembering specifics about him even more. All the details that others share about him, make him so real still. I was reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis given to me by one of Brian's long time friends. There is a section in there where is talking about the memories of his wife, H. It says,

"Thinking of the facts--real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman."

I wrote before of making my memories into these pretty little marbles that aren't super detailed but just kind of clump together was a fear of mine. I didn't want it to happen with Brian like it has was other things in my life. Even Harpers infant year is a nice pretty marble with a few shiny details, but an overall summary of a happy baby. When other people share these specific details it makes it real Brian and keeps it from that imaginary state of Brian. For that I am super grateful.

So although the world has sad, and cancer is way too abundant. There are the everyday amazings that happen. They fill my heart so full. Kids are incredible. My kid is super incredible. Brian impacted many people and it is so far reaching that I forget about it until things like today happen.

Entry 51: One Year

Making it to the year mark doesn't feel like a milestone, it feels like a loss. The loss of something great. The loss of what was supposed to be. The loss of a huge part of me. I know there's still a future and I know we will move ahead, but I do have times where I am sad for what is lost. The loss of life of an incredibly inappropriate but loving man. The loss of a son. The loss of a father. The loss of a son-in-law/brother-in-law. The loss of a best friend. The loss of my husband. The loss of future plans for more babies and more family memories. The loss of affection and the safety of a strong relationship. The loss of the one who understands me most. The loss of the person who would enjoy Harper equally as much if not more. The loss of my person. The person who made every situation more fun. Whether it was a mundane activity of grocery shopping or a trip to Disney, Brian made it more fun. This loss feels the biggest. There was also the loss of a puppy who meant so much.

But in this year of loss, there have also been so many gains. I've gained friends, like amazing life-long huge group of supportive friends. I've gained a new insight for how I want to invest in people in the same manner Brian did. I've made personal gains in the gym which make me feel awesome and have helped my mental health more than I can explain. Harper has gained incredible wisdom, empathy, and the right amount of ridiculousness. We gained a new house that instantly felt like home. We gained freedom for adventures that took us to Boston, Alabama, North Carolina, Minnesota, and presently Georgia. I have gained a greater appreciation for a love that felt so right and so necessary. I gained a need to try to fully rely on myself even if this is still a work in progress.

Photo by Brent Culbertson Photography

In 2016, over 30 of our friends spent a weekend together at a mountain house in Georgia when we thought there wasn't much time left. In 2017, these same people spent every moment with us in Hospice. This year, all of us are together again at a mountain house in Georgia once again to remember the incredible person we all lost. Brian wasn't much on "friend-mixing" well at least that was until he got sick. When he got sick all of his worlds came together. His greatest legacy is what we have here. All of these people, under one roof, who all love him so much. A sign on the wall in the kitchen says, "Things fall apart so that things can come together." Although the loss feels so big and it has impacted every one of these last 365 days, this, these people is what he left us. What bigger gain could there be?

So as we celebrate this milestone, we remember someone who was so special to so many. It's crazy to think that out of all the people here, I am one of the ones who knew him for the least amount of time. There are a lot of hurting hearts here, but also so much joy and laughter. That's what he would adding if he was here. And although this would be more fun with him, it is a perfect way to celebrate the life of Brian Timothy Newton, the 4th birthday of his baby, Harper, and Steve's birthday too. 

Entry 50: January 10ths

So today has been rough. I’ve been having physical anxiety with no real explanation. Luckily I had counseling today! Wahoo. I was describing all the things I was feeling and she kept saying how the anniversary does something to you even if it’s subconscious. She also talked about emotional memory of times in the past that might be underlying but I wasn’t really buying it. I thought she’d say, not every day is a happy day, do your job and do it well, get rid of distractions and stop trying to live in a happy bubble. The world has real things in it that are terrible and not always nice. This is not what she said at all. She said do more things that make you happy. You need to take care of yourself on the anticipation of this anniversary coming up. She again mentioned emotional memory and I blew it off.

While tonight, after having a not so happy Karen Day, I decided to take a bath with Harper because we didn’t spend a lot of time together today or yesterday. Or maybe I just miss her because all Christmas break we spent 24/7 together. I also had the great idea to let the Roomba run to clean up the sand that Harper dumped out of her shoes from the playground at school. I leave it running. I didn’t take into account that the dogs had had a longer than normal day and although I let them out before they ate, I didn’t after they ate. You can guess what happened. Poop on the Roomba!!!! I’m that person. This isn’t something you can just say...I quit! I’ll deal with it later. As I cried (because that’s the appropriate reaction when your robot eats poop) Harper kindly says, “I’m sorry mommy. Tonight is a terrible night. I’m sorry.” Then proceeded to give me a big hug! This girl knows empathy but seriously! A poopy Roomba!  So I don’t like this January 10th very much at all.

As I climbed into bed tonight to hope for a better tomorrow, I wrote in my line a day journal and read the previous years:

2015-Boys came over for the Skins game. B had another episode where he couldn’t move his toes off to the ER. Mom and dad came. Slept in the ER

This is the beginning of the time when they told us it was back with a vengeance and Brian didn’t have as long to live...which we way later learned was incorrect. But still. That’s a no good January 10th.


2016-I went to work. B stayed in bed all day. He had a fall. After being sick all day we came to the ER. Greg, Bug, Trey and Zak all came too.


After weeks of not feeling well, this was the last day Brian was home.  That thought is just so so sad. That’s a no good January 10th.

It’s sad. It’s hard stuff to remember but I think that counselor was on to something. Although these events were not specific anniversaries I have memorized, my subconscious knew or this is that emotion memory she was talking about. It’s hurts my heart. All the feelings that went into those previous January 10ths. Rough stuff.

This grief thing is wild and so so unpredictable. And from here on out I think I’ll skip January 10th (sorry if it’s your birthday). I know this too shall pass. I’m hoping to be back in my happy bubble when I wake up.

Entry 49: Eleven Months

Looking back at my one line a day journal from a year ago is ridiculously tough. It was the beginning of the end. I can see my fear and pain and frustration in just those few lines jotted daily. I cannot

believe 11 months have passed. I know I say it every month, but it is so true. How can he not be here for that long?!  What is amazing is that with little intentional effort on my part, he is here with us everyday!  Every time Harper hears Olaf's voice in a song, she says, "That reminds me of Daddy."  So the money spent on ridiculous XXL Olaf shirts from Kohls was worth it because she remembers all on her own.  Daddy went nuts over anything she even showed a little interest in. So when she liked Frozen, it is like it threw up all over our house because he always came home with surprises. I love that these memories are 100% hers and she brings them up all on her own. She truly is an incredible gift. I felt a longing to go visit his grave this week. I told Harper on the way to the gym that afterwards I would like to go see him. You know what she says? She points to the ground and says,
"Daddy is there...and there....and there!" I said, "Really?" She says, "No, but wouldn't it be cool if he had a button in his box so he could zoom around and always be with us? That would be cool."  I mean seriously?!??!?!? Her brain is amazing and her heart is even more incredible.


Also I know I always say this every month too, but I am continuously overwhelmed but the kindness of others. I already shared it on Instagram but I am sharing it here too. I have not talked to my sorority sister in over 10 years, but I do keep up with her life on Facebook and vice versa. The most incredible gift arrived in the mail yesterday. Here is what the card said, "Last year I lived in Madagascar and worked at a children's home for over 140 abandoned kiddos.  When I read online about your family, we as a small group started praying for you, Brian and Harper. Let me tell you, these little Malagasy girls know how to pray.  They would weekly ask for updates. When I told them Brian has passed away, they wanted to keep praying for you and Harper. Each one of them knows what it looks like to lose a father, it may look different for every girl, but they  One thing I loved most,

know the pain. The doll is a traditional little girl doll for Madagascar. My small group wanted Harper to have it. I have a picture I will send you of all of them surrounding and laying hands on it. Their praters were that your daughter would feel the comfort of the Heavenly Father every time she missed her Dad."
other than the complete and utter impact of these children caring so much about our lives from halfway around the world, is the tenderness in which Harper hugged the doll. If you know Harper's hugs, you know they involved gritted teeth and force. So to see her gently handle the doll as I explained the story was touching. She also lined it right up with her nativity scene and demanded I take a picture.

When I talk about kindness never ceasing I truly mean it. Even though no one has fessed up to leaving the gift, Harper would prefer to open her 12 days of Christmas bag containing a piece of the Christmas story than open her Disney calendar countdown that contains a toy.  Mary, Joseph, and the shepherd are often galavanting around the doll house traveling on the back of Dumbo as she sings, "This is the way to Bethlehem" which is song she had to have learned at school.


Packages and mail arrive daily. Keeping up with the thank you notes that I so strongly want to write in order to convey how happy the kindness makes my heart gets added to my to do list. I want to make sure people know how much it means to me even if it takes a while for me to actually check it off my list. A friend of mine shared this article with me, https://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=John+Pavlovitz and it rings so true! But my situation is different. It says many people show up for the grieving person but then after the funeral fade away.  In my case it just isn't true. The kindness and support from everyone, my closest friends to people who didn't even know Brian, continues to pour in. I love the parts that says, "We all carry the grief as bravely and completely as we can in public, but none of us are strong

enough to shoulder it alone. People often say of a grieving person, 'They're so strong', but they're not. They're doing what they have to in order to survive. They need you to come along side of them."I may be perceived as strong, however there are constantly people alongside me who are stronger and are holding me up.

This season is hard. One because it was Brian's favorite. Two because it is probably the biggest first without him. Three because I feel like I am not the same Karen.  I feel like the water is at nose level and every once in a while I peep my lips above the water to get a breath. I am not drowning in grief, it's more that I want to be as good as I was before. I want to have it all together. I like to get things done early and do them well.  I like to be on top of it. Although it may still seem that was on the outside, I feel like I am barely keeping up. I know I need to pump the brakes on the social scene but that's also what brings me joy. I know there is something here about balance and my friend Jen suggested a book that I should've probably purchased when she told me about it.  Still need to get that. Must be on a list somewhere. This season is also hard because it is joyous. I mean our baby is in love with Jesus, with very little teaching on my part. What more could I ask for?

But this time is tough. It's tough to remember last year wondering if it was going to be the last and at the same time grasping onto the fact that this is the first without. He would be totally in love with Harper and her antics. He would love to see her face Christmas morning. He would enjoy this. And I would be enjoying it right along side him.

So all this to say, holy crap! 11 months! Seriously? And to also say, thank you. Thank you for being there....still. I know I have said it before but when we first got cancer and people wanted to do kind things, I would tell them to wait until we really needed it. No one waited. I remember thinking, this is going to wear off. It won't be new anymore and people will unintentionally not be thinking about it. Or will be sick of the saga. This NEVER happened. And although in many cases, people feel this way after losing someone, I am so fortunate and blessed that I have not been abandoned and have no fear of being forgotten about. Thank you for being there right alongside me as I tread water in this season. I love you all....well except Victor.

Entry 48: All the Feels

I've had so many random thoughts lately so this blog will in no way be cohesive or profound.  But here's my heart/brain for you:

1. Two weeks leading up to my birthday I was struggling.  I had no plans on the calendar and it was weird. Brian and I always treated birthdays like a big deal so other than his birthday, which I always planned and did again this year, Valentine's Day, Halloween, etc weren't too incredibly hard this year. But when you have no plans for your own birthday weekend and the person who normally coordinates them isn't here, ahhhh. What do you do? This is most definitely me having a pity party! But have no fear all of my people took care of me and went above and beyond! Homemade cookie
cake, a party which was a relaxing night to chat, Catch Phrase, the birthday fairy breaking in and decorating, breakfast cooked in my own home, gingerbread house making, bestie time, and Carols by Candlelight at church equals one of the best birthdays. Best of all friends wrote sweet cards. The kind that make you cry and give you kind of a big head. But truly they touched me so much. I am so blessed to have my family, my friends, my lightning squad, and my new gym crew. How does someone get blessed with so many villages and communities that surround them with love?!?! Seriously? How did I get so lucky? I just think of how blessed Harper is to know so much love.

2. Speaking of feeling loved, look at my most used word on Facebook this year.

Look at the most prominent words other than Harper's hashtag: brian, harper, thankful. SO SO SO true! If that doesn't sum me up here are the other ones that stand out to me: love, friend, memories, happy, time. Yes! Yes! Yes! All the things I love. Even though my heart hurts at times and I miss Brian, I am so happy with the time friends pour into making new memories with us that make us feel so loved.

3. Today was the annual Employee Recognition program at school. This is where we recognize the teacher of the year. Several years ago, they started making amusing videos to go with the program. And some crazy soul let Brian host it! He was also so proud of his clever ideas for the skits. We all know Brian loved attention and was always "on" but in these shows he was turned up the millionth degree. Today as part of the program, they played clips from previous years. Now I can look at pictures all day long, but a video. GAH! It hits me like big time. In these videos he was hamming it up. He was hysterical, ridiculous and larger than life. So as I sat in an auditorium full of others who knew Brian and some who didn't, I laughed through tears that I couldn't get under control. I cried a lot. Seeing him so real, so healthy, so joyful. I remember the times he would film and it would be a secret and he would come home bursting with pride about how clever he thought he was. There was even a scene of the former school president, Danny Hutto, sitting on the couch in our old house. I seriously had all the feels. When I left to go pick up Harps from school, I just kept thinking about it.  I even told her all about them. I think videos of him so alive, so healthy, so fat! Ha! His facial expressions, his ridiculous acting voice, his antics. I MISS HIM! I mean I miss him something fierce. There is just no one like him.  I am so so so thankful they showed those videos today. My heart needs to miss him. It's so easy to remember him sick and skinny, but it was so great to see him as the Brian I know and the Brian I fell in love with. I will post the videos for you all to enjoy when I get them.  My heart hurts tonight but I am sitting here with his mom, Sally, who knew him the longest, talking about him and everything else too. That feels right.

I am thankful for this life. I am most thankful for the people in this life. Thankful for the people who make these hard times easier. The people who miss him right along with me. The people who never knew him but support me and listen like it is the most important thing they do that day. I know Christmas will be tough. I mean sending a Christmas card without him on it feels wrong. But I have the greatest gift, Harper, an everyday reminder of Brian's love and ridiculousness. I also have the love of this village. My people.