Entry 47: Ten Months

Really this blog should be titled "A Lesson in Slowing Down". Today marks 10 months since losing Brian and it is almost unbelievable that it has been that long. So much has happened.

I already wrote about losing Fletcher. In every sad event I try to look for the lesson. With Brian passing, we have learned so much. How to love others, the kindness of friends, family and strangers, and just how important life is. These are just a  few of the lessons taken away from that. But honestly there are a million and I know in my heart of hearts there was a bigger purpose for his passing. I am still really struggling to find the purpose in Fletcher's death. Life has gotten a little easier because Macy and Bella are so chill and easy going, but man do I miss Fletcher's awesome snuggles and fluffy ears. In the beginning I was really mad because his loss was so purposeless. I still have yet to find the new lesson but I am way less angry.

Last Sunday, after a great day at Disney with my mom and dad, I drove home ready to start a new week. 20 minutes from home, I crashed my car on 95. I am not giving too many details, not because I don't share the bad, but because it isn't smart for insurance purposes to put it all out here. As I pulled over and called 911, I was shaking. When I hung up a sweet voice from the backseat said, "Mommy, what did they say?"  Harper, myself, and the other driver were completely fine. I was shaken, but fine. The deputy who came to help was beyond kind and helpful.  Tori came to pick me up, my parents drove up to help out, and I have awesome insurance that provided a rental car. Now with this accident, I see the lesson. I need to SLOW DOWN. This is super hard for me. Everyone knows I keep my schedule insanely full. I like it that way. Brian and I were busy but I have taken it to a whole new level. It normally makes me feel fulfilled. The Friday before my wreck, I stayed in because Harper was sick. It was the longest stint I had been at home in a long time. When I laid in bed at night, I cried. A loneliness enveloped my body. It is a different kind of lonely...a kind that feels permanent. The next day was the amazing Cancer Smash event at the gym that gave me all sorts of feels. Afterwards we laid low with the neighbors. That night, although I was surrounded by people all day, the same kind of loneliness hit. I am searching for fulfillment that I think only Brian can provide. So it's tough. Although I was not on my phone during the time of the accident, I have been known to use my phone while driving. The phone has become a space filler for me since Brian passed. It is an addiction that I am not excited about and would like to limit. It's a goal for me.This bring us back to the lesson from this crash is big. It is to SLOW DOWN and be present. It doesn't mean I won't use my phone, but definitely not in the car and definitely WAY less than I do currently. I know it won't happen over night.  I also  know pushing pause will have me face to face with the hard feelings even more than I already am. I know that is part of the healing but it isn't easy and it is super hard to schedule grief knowing how it will make me feel.

Now we can't end with sad and hard so let's talk about our magical trip.  The accident messed up my plans to drive to North Carolina to have an early Thanksgiving with all of Brian's cousins and his Aunt.  I was supposed to drive but no longer wanted to do the 7 hour journey alone with just Harps. As I sent the sad text letting them know we wouldn't be able to make it, Debbie and Beff did the nicest thing ever, they bought us plane tickets.  To say the trip was magical is an understatement. First, there was FALL. I mean yellow leaves, gorgeous weather, and trees with changing colors.

There was family. Harper doesn't even need a second before she is asking Debbie for snacks or pulling Beff's hand to come play. There is family and nice nightly chats. There are animals! Dogs, chickens and a horse! There was a big family gathering with stuffing and the most delicious pecan pie. Harper lit up when seeing her cousins. I love traveling with her because I get to see just how good she is.  I have all of this love in my life because of Brian. This is Brian's family but what is most awesome is that it is my family too. A place where Harper and I are insanely spoiled, we feel completely comfortable and we get to do new things like ride a four-wheeler, a first for both Harper and myself. Vacations are the best because they force me to slow down. There is no to-do list and I didn't even have a car. We spent hours outside running hills and enjoying fall. It was magical.

So as I practice slowing down, I know it won't be easy. I know I am going to face all the ugliness of grief. I also know I won't be perfect. I am so thankful that no one was hurt in the accident, that my car is repairable and that I still got to go on my trip. There is so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Even though my favorite turkey won't be here with us, he has provided so many things I am thankful for, especially Harper.

Entry 46: Award of Excellence

Today I had a very special honor. The Florida Educators of the Deaf and Hard or Hearing board decided to rename their annual teacher of the year award to the Brian Newton Award of Excellence in Education of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing. And this year, they presented the award to Brian through me.



Raise your hand if Brian has ever called you the wrong name? Raise your hand if Brian has ever shoved a microphone in your face during a presentation?  Raise your hand if any embarrassing pictures of you have showed up in one of his presentations? This is how his boss, Carm, started her speech about Brian. Brian's job had him traveling the state meeting with different teachers from all over and often presenting. He always showed ridiculous pictures of me especially if he knew I was going to be in the audience. Carm showed these and pictures he would use of Harper.  I was prepared to see ridiculous example pictures of me, but when Carm projected pictures of Fletcher, I was caught off guard.  Carm's speech highlighted "Work Brian". I would say professional Brian but we all know he always danced on the line of professionalism. She called him the tension breaker and sometimes the tension maker. Most of all she pointed out his ability to make each and every person feel special and the joy he got from doing so.

Let's rewind 20 minutes. I was sitting at the conference table waiting for it to all start. I read through the brochure and saw the amazing tribute they paid to Brian in the back. The booklet was packed full of lightning bolts and at the end had the reason they named the conference "Lighting Up the Field of Deaf Education."  A woman came and sat down next to me. When she got to that page she said aloud, I didn't know Brian died. And I looked at her and said, "That's my husband." She was surprised and gave me a hug. Then she explained how she had lost her husband suddenly and then was diagnosed with cancer. She went on to explain how Brian comforted her during this time. I am not surprised Brian was supportive, but what I love most about this story is the fact that I don't even know all the lives Brian has impacted. I am not going to lie. In the beginning when Brian and I started dating, it was super hard for me that he made EVERYONE feel special. I mean isn't your girlfriend supposed to be the most special. This quality that caused discussions and jealousy took a little bit of getting used to, but once I realized it's what made Brian so remarkable, it's one of my most loved things about being in a relationship with Brian. I know I've mentioned it before, but Brian got amazing service from the medical profession, partly because we went to an awesome practice, but also because he made a point to interact with each and every single person. It did not matter if you were the chief of staff at Memorial Sloan Kettering, the top brain surgeon at UF, or the cleaning person at Baptist South, you all got the same treatment. That's a gift and he used it everywhere.

Carm's speech couldn't have been more perfect. I gladly accepted the award on Brian's behalf. I am sure he would have a ton to say about the fact that he won Teacher of the Year in his third year teaching and has now won it again before I ever have. It was such an honor and I love to know that from here on out there will be a recipient of the Brian Newton Award of Excellence every year!

Driving home I am not going to lie, I bawled. Probably the biggest cry I have done in a while.  There were just so many emotions. While scanning radio stations "It Is Well with My Soul" happened to be on. This song is special to me. It is the song I blared in Hospice minutes after Brian died. I bawled some more. Then if these emotions weren't enough, the vet called to tell me Fletcher's remains were ready to be picked up. Well CRAP!  When deciding to get Fletcher cremated, it just made sense so I didn't have to deal with his body because come on! That is definitely a dad job.  But now that I have to pick up his remains, AHHHHH! First of all, I can't show Harper the special box because she is way too smart and would wonder how he fit inside and cremation is not something I would love to explain to my three year old. Also it felt terrible carrying our dog out of the vet that way. I want to carry the real him. So after a few more tears shed, I found a good hiding spot in the house until I take him to Brian at the grave.

Although filled with many tears, overall the day was beautiful. Again how amazing to have a man that was so loved by so many that he gets to be recognized in such a way. How amazing that he had such a big personality that there is no way to meet him and not know him!  I miss him. Something
fierce. Like the kind of miss that when you are driving over the Bridge of Lions after dropping Harper off two days ago and you see a young college couple holding hands, you cry unexpectedly. I want to hold his hand. I want him to receive this award and then insult the ones who gave it to him. I want to attend the conference with him where he is excited to introduce me to every woman he flirts with regularly.  I miss the companionship, the laughter, the unexpected and the physical contact. I miss that man!

Thank you FEDHH and thank you Carm for such an amazing tribute to an amazing person even if he was stubborn ;)

Entry 45: Nine Months

During the entire cancer experience I was never overwhelmed with the feeling of why me. Neither was Brian which was remarkable. I know it would be easy to say why us? We just fell in love and had the love of our life. Why me? We truly never felt that. And for some reason it almost felt like there was a purpose of some sort in all of the craziness.

Well yesterday was Brian and my 5 year wedding anniversary and the first wedding anniversary that he wasn't here to celebrate with me. Leading up I wasn't too upset about the day coming up. My emotions have been pretty level. I had a great night the night before with a fantastic group of new friends who really make me feel loved and cared for instantly. Brian and I never did anniversaries big. We celebrated with small gifts but Brian surprised me randomly all year long to celebrate our love. It was one of my favorite parts about him. He was the best at random, unexpected surprises. And he got so much joy from surprising me. He also LOVED to surprise Harper. She could mention a character or show she liked and immediately he'd come home from work with Daniel Tiger figures for her to play with. We were spoiled regularly and randomly. So the anniversary wasn't dreaded.
Day of, as I was reflecting a little and washing dishes I won't lie, I thought to myself if a friend of mine loses a loved one I am sending surprises on their anniversary cause that would be fun. The next thing I know Tori walks in with a bouquet of flowers. I mean as I'm scrubbing the dishes she walks in with them. Amazing! Then the day took a terrible turn. The dogs were out back which is totally normal and we some friends came over so we did a dog inventory just in case because I never remember who I let in and out and when. There are THREE of them for goodness sakes. Well we search the backyard and Bella is on the opposite side of the fence, Macy is in the yard and Fletcher is no where to be found. We search for hours along with all the kids in the neighborhood. Fletch is nowhere. He is what I like to call super lost.

It has been almost 36 hours and there hasn't been a single sighting of that dog, Brian's dog. He had a seizure earlier this week which landed us at the emergency vet. Bloodwork all came back normal and he was acting fine later but now this has me worried. Seriously, on our anniversary, HIS dog has to go missing. Now I am SCREAMING WHY ME!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean seriously, what purpose does this serve. To show me to kindness of others. I get it! I have been experiencing the insane kindness of others for 4 years now. Don't get me wrong, I feel insanely grateful for the people who are thinking and acting as I sit here paralyzed by sadness, worry and fear. I am thankful for my neighbors who happen to be police officers who take me cruising in their golf cart at night on every trail and in every part of the community to look for him with their police flashlights. The family with the newborn baby who made flyers and drove them over, picked us up, then posted them all while the only thing I did was hand them pieces of tape.  My best friend in Colorado using her Humane Society experience to contact all the right people and post in all the right places. I am insanely thankful and awed by the complete and utter stranger who lives in the neighborhood and used to work for a lost dog finding group in Pennsylvania who saw the info. on Facebook, is an owner of three dachshunds herself, and reached out and came to set up motion detected cameras that send emails within two minutes of motion detected. I mean seriously, you couldn't even make this stuff up if you tried to come up with ways to show kindness. But don't I get a break from needing it??  Why me?

This is an insanely large pity party post and I hate that too. But it's real and it's how I feel today on this day, nine months after losing the love of my life. Fletcher is a knucklehead and is always up to something but this is not like him. I hope to God he is milking some sweet family for all the treats until shelters open up tomorrow. But it be a complete lie if I didn't say I have a really bad feeling about this. To lose this dog in this way would be absolutely heart wrenching.

How do you just try to do normal things while your dog is lost? What do you do with the one food bowl that doesn't need food at dinner time? Why isn't someone asking me to play every two minutes? IT IS THE WORST. I have never felt so hopeless and that's saying a lot considering the situations I have been in over the last 4 years.

I appreciate everyone who has reached out and offered help. I have turned so many people down because I don't know what else there is to do. So you can scream right along with me, WHY HER?

I hope I get to look back one day while holding him and  say remember that time Fletch got away on that first wedding anniversary without Brian. Because if not who could honestly imagine losing your husband on your child's birthday then losing your (his) dog on your wedding anniversary. That would literally be too much.

I can't end so negatively, the one positive that is both sad and happy is that Harper is handling this exceptionally well. She is not distraught or beside herself. She says, "He's not going to be our puppy anymore" in a very matter of fact voice. Or she repeats what another kid says and says, "He's a really good hider." But her resiliency shines through and she is super amazing.

Entry 44: Like a Bruise

I have been thinking about this a lot lately when thinking about how to describe my grief. It feels like someone has a constant hand holding my heart. You know how sometimes when you touch a bruise it hurts but feels kind of good at the same time.  Sometimes a memory or a thought or an action squeezes my heart lightly and it is that good kind of pain. The good of having the love that was so good and the hurt that it is gone. It could be a sweet picture on TimeHop that gives my heart a little squeeze. Or it could be a hilarious Disney memory that Brian was part of. A friend reaching out to share a dream they had about Brian, naming your trivia team for name that Disney tune at the pool Bolts then winning, or the fact that getting grief cards have become a "new normal".  Whatever it is, the little squeeze reminds me of him, makes me smile or even tear up but leaves me feeling that touch a bruise, good kind of hurt.

There are other times where I feel that hand holding my heart just squeezes the heck out of it. Like one of those stress balls with the eyes that pop out when you squeeze it. It is like when you repeatedly bump your bruise into the same corner of the bed. It hurts like hell.  This happens unexpectedly too. For example, last week Harper says, "Mommy I need a new Daddy." GAH! Just rip my heart out why don't ya?!  I talked it out with her. In her amazing three-year-old logic, she said, "I don't have a daddy because he died so I need a new one."  This makes perfect sense to her. When a toy breaks, I always say, "It's okay, we will get a new one." When a cherished cookie is stolen by a dog, "It's okay, we will get a new one."  As I cried in the front seat. she continued to tell me about needing a new Daddy, and my heart hurt. The bad kind. The bang you shin into something super hard kind of hurt. I told her that she has an amazing daddy that loves her more than anything and I would like to keep him forever in my heart. To which she replied, "No! I will keep Daddy in my heart, you keep the new Daddy in your heart." Ha! With time to reflect, as I tucked her in, I was able to remind her of all the men in her life who love her like a Daddy. What a lucky girl to have so many "uncles" that truly show her love.

The joke at the end was.. "The opposite is Karen."

These tight squeezes of the heart come very unexpectedly. Today I pull up my vocabulary word of the day in my last period class.  Every vocabulary word has a video of me signing the meaning. I pulled up today's word and there was Brian. I filmed these words last year and have forgotten that he came in my room while I was making them and made a cameo in which he insulted me.  Seeing a picture of Brian gives me that good hurt, light squeeze. But when I hear him talk or see him sign in a video, it's tough. I miss him so much. So as my students learned their new word, and I jokingly called him a jerk for the insult, I couldn't help but tear up. One student said, "Are you crying?" And another says, "Shhh! Don't talk about it!"  How cool that I get to share Brian with them. He still gets to make me laugh in the middle of my school day. But man oh man the missing is tough!

Other good squeezes: My dad wearing Brian's yard hat to do yard work. My bestie, Dani, staying over to hang out and talk grief because we can and it feels bad/good even if it is a school night.  Happy memories of good vacations.
Getting a box of chocolates on my last cheat day, shaped like bolts.  TimeHop pictures that make me smile. Harper calling pictures of her and her Daddy adorable.  Harper being a creep and making crazy facial expressions just like him. Seeing a random lightning bolt on the bottom of the parade actor's costume even though no one else had one. Another friend wearing a shirt at a conference because last time she was there Brian made fun of her for it. A crazy ass dog named Fletcher who does ridiculous things to remind me that Brian raised him.  A fellow widow (ew! that word) at church reaching out to talk and support me.

So although some squeezes are more painful than others, I am thankful that my heart feels supported like it is being constantly held. And although I sometimes touch that bruise purposely, it is the unexpected jabs that get me to most. I am super thankful for a man that is this hard to miss. I am thankful that with his death, I have learned to cherish my time with those I love even more.

Entry 43: My Person

So I have been feeling really weird lately. Although I am busy and surrounded by people that care about me, I feel very disconnected from everyone. It is a very strange and lonely feeling. How can I be with people constantly and still feel alone???

When talking with my grief counselor on Thursday about it she made me feel less like a crazy person and simply said, "Brian was your best friend. You miss your person."

YES! This is it.  I know I miss Brian. I miss him all the time. Harper even said this week, "I miss Daddy super much!" Yes! Yes! Yes! But it is more than that. I miss MY person. I am a sharer and most of my friends know the details of my life, however there are really tiny things you want to share with your person. Whether it be something egotistical like look how good my back looks in these wedding pictures or a high five because in a matter of days the new methods for bedtime has been amazing for both yourself and Harper and it is a huge success. Brian was so amazing at being my person. He picked on all the annoying parts of my personality but secretly loved me for them. He cared and built me up constantly. He texted me even if it was to make fun of me or be mad at me. I miss simply sitting on Sundays watching football, doing basic chores, and trying not to nap during the Skins game so that a picture me sleeping with my mouth open didn't end up on Facebook.  He would grocery shop for me because it isn't my favorite chore.  He also drove me absolutely crazy with his stubbornness. But I miss it. I miss it all. When I see other couples instead of it making me sad it makes me insanely happy. I love that people get to experience having a person. It makes me remember how ridiculously well Brian and I fit. He will always be my person, I just wish he was here to do it. And that's the truth. I am a glutton for punishment and looked back on Hospice pictures. He still made me feel wanted in the final days telling me, "I don't like it when you leave (the room)." What I wouldn't give to be back there interpreting his signs, catching the random objects he threw and loving on him.

Our last selfie

My counselor also made this comparison.  After Brian's death my life is like someone played 52 card pick up. They threw the whole deck in the air and instead of trying to organize it by suit, I am just trying to figure out which cards are black and which ones are red.  I don't know where everything fits and she says my feelings of disconnect are just me trying to piece it all back together.

I don't really know my point except to say if you're lucky enough to have your person hug them a little tighter. Be thankful for them even if they are on your last nerve. And as I slowly pick up these stupid mixed up cards I need to be patient with myself. It is just frustrating because Brian taught me the importance of relationships and investing in people whether it be your regular grocery store worker, a best friend, or a coworker. He was the best at it and I want to be more like him.

Entry 42: Eight Months

As I was riding in the car with my besties yesterday on the way to the incredible Hiss Golden Messenger and Mumford & Sons show, a song came on, and I said this reminds me so much of Brian. My friend said, I'm sorry I will turn it off.  I was like NO WAY! Obviously my best friend was trying to be empathetic and kind by turning it off, but it made me realize how much I LOVE and appreciate being reminded of Brian.

Today marks 8 months. It still feel unimaginable that he was here and now he isn't. Yet, all the time I am reminded on him.  I love TimeHop and that fact that I take a million pictures. I love that daily I can see his face and a picture of a little moment that wasn't significant but now means so much. I am also thankful for my line a day journal that has all the minor details written down for the past 6 years. We rejoiced last year around this time because scans looked stable.

Tori stayed with us during the hurricane and she was looking at her TimeHop and from the backseat Harper yelled, "Hey! That's my Daddy!"  I just love the excitement and joy she shines when talking about him.  Today when I picked her up from school, her teacher pulled me aside and said that she had something to tell me. She said that she was discussing something and without thinking asked Harper about her Mommy and Daddy to which Harper replied something blunt and innocent like"My Daddy is dead". Just like my friend in the car, I told her teacher to please not feel bad. This is part of Harper's life. She will forever experience having to talk about her daddy even though he isn't living anymore. But it's also great because she will get those reminders too. She will get chances to say my Daddy is dead but he always made funny faces....or whatever other memory she likes to share.

The craziest part of today was sitting with Mom and Harper at Cracker Barrel and looking up and realizing at the table behind us was one of his Hospice nurses. Although that time was insanely difficult and I can remember details like it was yesterday, I couldn't recall this woman's name, but I was insanely thankful of the reminder of the amazing care, the peace that filled that room for so many days, and the sign that even if I am not trying I will always think about Brian.

Every time I see a roach I am reminded. Anything related to football and I am reminded.  Stories from the people who knew him the most and I am reminded. Harper's crazy antics when trying to avoid bed and all I can see his him, I am reminded. Harper yells randomly...A LIGHTNING BOLT FOR MY DADDY and I look over at a random scooter parked at the gym and I am reminded.

So at 8 months, my grief seems back under control. We are all settled into the new house. And most of all, I am thankful for the times I get to say...oh that reminds me of him.

Entry 41: Happy Birthday

 As I walked down stairs this morning there was a half dead cockroach on his back in the kitchen. As in the middle of thinking...ugh! Why do I have roaches....I started laughing! If you remember from a previous blog Brian always sent dead roaches as a delivery to my classroom with students when we both taught in the middle school. I was not the only receiver of roaches. Others were blessed with these special gifts. So on the day of his birth, it is only appropriate that a roach gave me a reminder of my silly husband.

And although it feels like crazytown right now and the hurricane has made my "singleness" very apparent when I am the sole person making very important decisions for my family, I am happy to celebrate Brian today.   I read this great article that was circulating recently on grief [https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/12245-grief-isn-t-something-to-get-over?utm_source=Arianna&utm_medium=Facebook].  I love how it makes me feel about my grief. I remember vividly one night as Pastor Larry was leaving Hospice he said to me, "You will never get over this, but you will get through it." He is so right.  The article says, "One of the reasons that grief happens to be triggered by external reminders, such as in anniversary reactions, is because grief is an emotion that sends a vague alert to help you to remember, rather than to forget." Yes! This! This is why I celebrate Brian today. I don't want to forget. I want to always remember his wildly inappropriate, fun, loving, generous, hilarious soul. I don't ever want to get over him.

The day started with waking up and crying happy tears reading others happy birthday posts to Brian. Next, Harper went to her room to get dressed. This is a common occurrence and she normally comes out with the craziest of outfits. Not today! She came out wearing a bolt shirt and matching pants. A birthday miracle!  After breakfast and hurricane prep with the fram, I got a gift on Brian's birthday! My talented friend Trey brought over tables that he handcrafted for our family room. I love that I will be able to look at the tables and remember they were given to us on Brian's birthday. Also both Trey and Suzy showed up in lightning bolt shirts.
Then after a great counseling session, we all met at Brian's grave for cupcakes and singing of the happy birthday song, followed by pizza at our house.  It was such a great way to smile and celebrate our man, Brian surrounded by people who love him.  It was also an incredible to get texts and love from new friends that never knew Brian but say things like, "I didn't know him, but I am sad that I didn't! I feel like I missed out majorly." How amazing is that to have new friends in our lives that send that kind of love.

So although I feel in a pretty stable place today emotionally on an anniversary, I know I am nowhere near out of the waters of grief.  As my friend Sarah shared with me from this article,  [https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever]:

"You can see them (the waves of grief) coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves."

 

 So I'll ride the wave where it takes me.