Entry 83: Four Years

It is insane to me to think that it has been four whole years since we all were around Brian as he left this world. It is insane to me that four years of life have continued on. It is insane to me all the changes that those four years have brought. It is insane to me that he is not here to

experience them all with us. It's insane to me how Harper is SO MUCH LIKE HIM! It's insane to me that I was so worried that my just turned three year old wouldn't have her own memories of her dad and how insanely wrong I was. It is insane to me to feel like it just happened but it's also felt like FOREVER since I have seen him. It's insane to me that after 3 years of cancer and 4 years without him, people continue to show up, show love, and always at the times it is really needed. It's insane to me how the little details slip away the further it gets from the him being alive.

I am always thankful for his love. I challenged my staff to do something ridiculous today for the sole purpose of making someone laugh. I challenged them to maybe even send a dead cockroach in a folded up piece of paper. When thinking about Brian and all that made him him, it is these types of little things that all add up. The fact that he flirted with anyone and everyone. The way he taught me to talk to anyone and ask

truly how they are. The way he knew way too many facts about football or music, but could NOT remember to tell me he was going out of town for work. The way he cherished his friends and kept them for so long. The way he ALWAYS had random prizes for no reason at all. The way he would cry laugh at his own jokes or something so inappropriate that he couldn't stop laughing. The way he was so proud of his baby and showed it in every way possible. The way that nothing was too ridiculous for him. Want to drive to Disney on a Friday night just to eat in Japan and drive

back again? Sure! Why not? Let's go! The way he had the most insane ideas like a gorilla mask at an engagement photoshoot but the ideas were hilarious. The way he was always always thinking of something witty. The way he gave time and taught me the important of quality time. The way he clung to hope through it all. The way he brought our community of people together so that even on this random COVID day 4 years after he died,

Harper and I are NEVER ever alone even if we can't have a lightning squad party. The community so amazing that we woke up to a 14 minute video of all the friends sending love, support and happy birthdays. So today I leave you with RANDOM Brian. RIDICULOUS Brian. I challenge you to do something today, just for the sake of laughter. My hope is that as we continue to live life post Brian, we will take notice of all the little things that made him so special and see them in the common things of life. Excited to celebrate our baby today even though I don't accept 7 years old!

Entry 82: Grief Has Arrived

 It doesn't matter how much you anticipate it's arrival. It doesn't matter that it is expected. It doesn't matter that you've done this before. Grief comes, it stays, and it hits hard and heavy.

I swear to you our body saves and remembers even if our brain doesn't. January was bad for several years before Brian died.  Looking at my line a day journal I know January 11th is normally the time the grief comes. This year on the 11th I was still feeling good. I thought maybe this year, I will happily remember Brian and not feel the chest squeezing grief. WRONG. Grief came like a freight train on Wednesday, two days late, and seems to be taking its sweet time. Why is it still so strong this year? Is it because I feel so disconnected from my lightning squad people because of dumb COVID? Is it because life has been really really really happy for an extended period of time (no break ups) that being sad feels even worse? Is it because no matter what it just sucks to lose the person you love? I do not know. But it's hard! I am doing my self care. I am eating well again. I am working out. I am being consistent with routines to feel a sense of control. But grief remains.

That's a lot of bad so what is good? I enjoy my job even though I miss the classroom a bit. I work with great people. Josh is amazing. I love him. We had two awesome trips and got to spend quality time with his family. According to Harper she has new cousins.  Harper loves her Dot and loves when he spends the night even though it makes it so she doesn't sleep with me. He makes her laugh and teaches her to be ridiculous and I think Brian would really appreciate that. Sally moved back and Harps gets to see her grandma way more often! My parents are a minute away and even though we are being super safe, we still get to see them from a distance. But the best of all is Harper. She's amazing. She's reading and it's the most exciting thing for her educator mom. She's one thousand and ten percent Brian. She's ridiculous. She says "Huzaah!" when she does something that isn't even that spectacular and it makes me laugh every time. She's decided she needs spa music to help her sleep. She advocates for herself when I don't let her share her point of view. She is generous with her friends and almost put her items back in Target when using her own gift card because I said a water bottle was pretty. She's fun, she's thankful, and she's super affirming!

I can't wait for Covid to pass and grief to pass and all the reconnecting that is going to happen. For now I will sit with this grief and think of it like my dad said "Grief is a way of remembering" and I sure as hell never want to forget. 

Entry 81: I'll Ride the Wave

 So if you know Brian, you know how important music is to him. Like you couldn't ever just ride in the car and listen, he would have to pause and tell you the history behind the song or what a certain lyric meant or lots of random facts about a member of the band. When he found a new song that inspired him or evoked emotion, you could find him listening to it while he showered, again in the car, then on repeat again right after that. 

He wrote his own blogs while experiencing cancer. So many centered around a song lyric and what he was experiencing.

If you want to read his writing, here is one: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/06/ill-swallow-poison-until-i-grow-immune.html

Here is another that explains the lightning bolt symbolism: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/02/ride-lightning.html. The amazing thing because of music that inspired Brian, we have lost count of the number of bolt tattoos there are now. 

The last concert we went to was Pearl Jam. When we bought the tickets, we weren't even sure he'd be able to even use his ticket but we didn't want to give up hope. Let's fast forward to today. Of course the lightning squad shared Brian's story throughout. Because of Zak and Claire sharing Brian's story with a friend, Brian's story was shared with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist of Pearl Jam. Well here is a video we got today.

I cry! Like for real? Is this real life? This man took time out of his life to honor Brian. Brian would totally be freaking out that he would now have an amazing fact to share about this man that made music that meant so much to Brian. How amazing that people who never met Brian felt called enough to share his story. The friend of Zak and Claire who shared the story said this tonight, when crying while trying to get through watching the video they said "We end up with our eyes closed, feeling the music, thinking of you all, and tears running down our face." I mean how truly amazing is all of this. I am so so so thankful! And how amazing for Harper to have something so special and that meant so much to her Dad. 

Entry 80: It's a Birthday! It's a Griefday!

 Today is Brian's 45th birthday. With the insanity of working nonstop from the second I set foot on campus to the second I leave, then going to the gym, coming home to cook, then making sure I pay attention to Harper and get my grad school work done and work some more, this birthday kind of snuck up on me. Also, because I couldn't host our usual busy house with all our favorites/lightning squad, I didn't anticipate the grief that came with this day. I woke up feeling sad and heavy. Why??

Life is really good right now. I feel busy and purposeful at work. We are so loved, and things with Josh couldn't be better. (Update: We worked on things, got back together, and I couldn't be happier for following my heart on this one instead of my brain). His relationship with Harper melts my heart for real! Harper is BEYOND thrilled to be wearing her mask and going to school in person. She has a great teacher and her neighborhood bestie is in her class! She loves school even if she thinks walking around the bus loop for recess is lame. Friends are planning weddings and there is so much love and happiness.

It's hard because I am so so so happy, but at the same time miss Brian something fierce. I haven't had a whole day of grief in a long time. It's more like little moments here and there.  He would love to be harassing the girls about their wedding plans. I want to know what he feels about Washington ditching the Redskins mascot. I want to watch football every weekend while doing schoolwork. I want him to see the crazy antics of his baby who knows way too much and is nearly as ridiculous as him. I would love to see his solutions for our online learners and watch his ridiculous presentations that would most definitely involve embarrassing pictures of me in them.

But I also know he'd be really happy with the paths our lives are on. He'd love that my parents live so close. He would love that his friends have never once neglected their promises to take care of his girls. He would love that Harper is good but a little sassy at the same time. (Please don't ask Harper for a list of words that start with sh-.) He would be so happy that I found someone who doesn't only love me but also loves Harps. I still wonder what he would say about the fact that I am AP since that was never in our longterm discussions. But I know he would be happy.

So although today was WAYYY harder than I anticipated, I am thankful we still got to celebrate Brian with a small group of besties that feel like home. I am thankful for whoever surprised us with sunflowers on the porch. I celebrate my friends like Mary who send words of affirmation (my love language) at just the right moment. I celebrate that because of the life I lived with Brian and because of the life Brian led, I get to be super thankful for the life and happiness I have now even when a birthday is a griefday. 

**When I complain about grad school homework later in the week, feel free to remind me that I chose to write a blog instead of read chapters.

Entry 79: Father’s Day and COVID Grief

This time it’s not mine we are talking about but Harps. Lately Harps has really been feeling the loss of her daddy. 

Randomly after picking her up from my parents one day she says, “Mommy you are lucky!” Assuming she’d tell me it was because I was lucky enough to get to go to Publix, I asked why and she said, “You still have Bampy.” I said, “I sure am.” Then in the saddest voice ever she says, “Luckier than me.”

Rip my heart right out. Every time she cries hard in bed at night missing him it makes me sad. Every time she says she misses something special about him, I tell her that I miss that too or remind her of something else amazing about him. These things are happening way more often these days. 

Is this resurfacing of grief because she is more mature and understands what she doesn’t have? Is this COVID grief just caused by the missing of so many things in general? Missing friends? Missing Disney? Missing random trips to Target where she could convince me to throw something extra in the basket? And her little brain associates missing with missing Daddy because that’s the missing she has known since she was little? Is it just more time at home and more time to think? 

I don’t know, but’s it’s sad!!! It’s hard to see your baby realizing her loss. It’s hard to hear her say she wishes she could hug him again. It’s hard when she cries about others making Father’s Day gifts and she doesn’t need to. It’s just hard. I need a live-in Hospice social worker, the one that helped me so much when harps was turning 3 and had to learn that her daddy would die, to be here now, telling me how to help her little heart.

We read the book Brent wrote about her daddy. We visit the grave. I cover her with her Daddy blanket with all the pictures of him. We find the million stuffed animals that were made specially for daddy or have a memory of daddy attached with them. I hug her. I listen. I cry too. I tell her the amazing things. I offer to look at pictures. I hold her but man oh man is it hard to not be able to make it better for her. If anyone has more ideas for special things to do this Father’s Day send them my way. 

Brian would absolutely have loved to see her at surf camp. His Daddy heart would be so insanely proud. She got the perfect Brian type surprise when the Bechtolds left a surf board in her porch the last day of camp. She is loved. We have amazing people in our lives. I pray and hope that she will be okay as time passes but grief is tough. And a six-year-old’s grief in full display is even tougher. 

Entry 78: Relieved. Happy. Sad. Grief.

It’s hard to say how I feel. I’m relieved. I’m sad. I miss Brian. I’m grieving. The love of my life dies, then the next person who tells me he’s going to love me forever dumps me not once but twice while I was putting everything I had into the relationship. It sucks. He sucks. I probably put too many of my emotional needs aside in the past few months. Lesson learned. I can be proud that I was myself the whole time. He even admitted that. I can be proud that I show grace and give my all to whatever I am doing. I’m also a super communicator even if it isn’t appreciated. But do I wish we would’ve broken up sooner? Or wish that I never got back together after the first break up? For sure. But that’s hindsight. It feels good to have a person. It felt good to love. It was fun to pour love into his daughter too. But like I told both girls. A relationship needs to be a balance of both people willing to try and give and unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Looking back it feels like he was one foot out for a while. Why hasn’t he met my friends, some of the most important people to me? Why was the after break up exchange as simple as me getting my key and car seat back?  Why weren’t our lives more connected by now? Why do I feel relieved and happier this week than I’ve felt in a bit? But also how do you navigate going forward with and eleven year old and six year old who saw each other basically daily for the last six weeks? How do I ensure I don’t abandon their needs while still listening to my own? What’s the right thing to do there? I didn’t just love him, I love her too and don’t think it’s fair to the girls.

With a loss, even if it’s a good thing,comes grief. Tonight I looked back at pictures. And man do I miss Brian so freaking much! We weren’t perfect but the love was balanced. The giving was balanced. There was no question to whether or not I was loved. I miss the simple moments reflected in the pictures. I miss his silly. I miss his prizes. I miss his crazy weird thoughtfulness. I miss what should’ve been.

Look at the casual, loving way they’re touching! 

With Mother’s Day coming it makes me sad he isn’t here too. Not because he’d do something big but because he helped make me a mom. Harper is incredible. Like seriously so cool. Everyday of this social distancing I’m just so incredibly grateful for her. She’s fun. Shes easy! She’s laid back and goes with the flow. She doesn’t fuss and she is up for almost anything. She is creative and imaginative. Little things make her happy. She makes me laugh. She surprises me with what she knows and the words she learns. I also love her mispronunciations like chiwala for Chihuahua yet she knows exhausted and other vocabulary I don’t expect. She compliments me when I “dress up” by putting on a headband. She happily serves and helps. She paused the TV to draw characters and it makes me think of Brian’s artistic skills. He would LOVE everything about her. No one can appreciate her as much as I do more than he could. The two of them would be up to no good but there’s no way he’d be able to fit in her newest obsession, her new bunk beds. Don’t start feeling sorry for me on Mother’s Day. My family is amazing. Harper FaceTimed secretly with my mom then later with my brother. I went up to get my phone and she said “Mom, there’s trouble. GeGe and Uncle CeeCee are both getting you flowers.” She was so distraught while trying to do kind things. I asked if she told my brother that my mom already was doing it and she said no. I was tempted to allow two bouquets to arrive. Who doesn’t want that!!! 

Again we are loved, we are fortunate, but I miss Brian. People continue to do kind things. Yes still! Three and half years after he dies and really for the three years before that too, since we learned cancer was part of our lives. People text/call at the perfect time. We get an amazing painting from a former intern and friend. A surprise wine delivery arrived three hours before the break up! How much more perfect could that be?! Besties offer to grocery shop so you don’t have to risk taking Harps into stores. A drive by stuffed animal drop off because we are being extra careful and still have ours in trash bags. People check in and really want to know the truth to how we are doing.

Although this blog may sound emotional. I’m really doing okay. When you have a practice break up the second time makes you more mad than sad. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t open up a big space for grief to fill again. But we will deal with that. We will go (safely) to not crowded beaches. We will continue to make so many simple but wonderful memories. The pause has really allowed me to appreciate what I have: an amazing kid, the people I love, a great essential job, and time, finances and health to be more than just okay during the weirdest time.  Maybe one good thing about cancer is that it has prepped me for this “feeling out of control” “not being able to plan” phase that the world is in?! Thanks cancer? Who knows! So much love to you all!!

**my phone at first autocorrected that to so much lice to you all! Update: we are lice free! But my phone knows we’ve been talking about it a lot! Love/lice it’s the same.

Entry 77: Times are Weird

Times are weird. Does that mean it’s time for a blog? I don’t know. Why not? 

So if you know me you know I like people. Like a lot. Like showering is enough alone time for me. I also like to go and do and be active. So this whole social distancing thing is not really my jam. I’m obviously doing it because I care about people but it doesn’t mean I’m good at it. Sure I’ve found a new love for my backyard. Harps learned how to ride her bike after a few short days of practice and now rides the 1 mile to my parent’s house and back. And I get to spend amazing amounts of quality time with not only Harper but Lily too! Camp Karen in full effect.  I’m also super fortunate to have an essential job and an amazing team to lead. People who literally work endlessly to make sure our students get what they need. But again this leading is happening from far away. Blah!

We miss Brian too. Like a lot. Harper literally tells me at least three times a day. I don’t know if because this virus feels like a life change or because she really just misses people in general and it’s normal to say we miss daddy or option 3, something I haven’t thought of yet, but truly it’s no less than 3 times a day that she’s says I miss Daddy and she hasn’t skipped a day yet. Yay for consistency! 

Another weird change is this: Harper’s go to line after I say goodnight, her successful stall tactic, is to say “what are we doing tomorrow?” She knows her momma likes a good plan so I would always typically answer. After two weeks of being here together, my answer has been, “same as yesterday. I work at home while you do school work then we’ll think of something to do here.” Well she got smart, after saying what are we doing tomorrow and getting the same response of “exactly what we did today” she has now changed her question. As I walked out the room expecting the same line she asked, “Mommy, what are we doing after the virus?” Ummm all the things! Duh!!!!

I like having something to look forward to. I like being busy. I love people. I really like spending Easter with my family. None of those things are happening right now and it does a weird thing with my grief.

But again I know we are lucky. We have fun together. We have an amazing guy in our lives who cooks us meals and delivers toilet paper and brownies. Highly coveted items. He spends time with us and is our only source of human contact! You can imagine how clingy and needy I am. We bought a Nintendo Switch and a hammock and spend equal amounts of time with both. We get to work. We have the means to do school at home. We live close enough to my parents that even though we stay 6 feet away I can be their Shipt shopper and still borrow the Easter cookie cutters even if we aren’t baking together. I also am very aware that  life would be so different if Brian was alive and still going through treatment. This would be totally insane like I know it is for many. We wouldn’t leave

. We’d be terrified to touch a delivery box. I also know it would be crazy/maybe fun to think of being locked down with him 24/7. Y’all would’ve had to send in some rescue due to his craziness. I cannot imagine what his Facebook messages would be or how many people he would harass daily. 

All this to say, weird times. Right? So....what are we doing after the virus???