Entry 77: Times are Weird

Times are weird. Does that mean it’s time for a blog? I don’t know. Why not? 

So if you know me you know I like people. Like a lot. Like showering is enough alone time for me. I also like to go and do and be active. So this whole social distancing thing is not really my jam. I’m obviously doing it because I care about people but it doesn’t mean I’m good at it. Sure I’ve found a new love for my backyard. Harps learned how to ride her bike after a few short days of practice and now rides the 1 mile to my parent’s house and back. And I get to spend amazing amounts of quality time with not only Harper but Lily too! Camp Karen in full effect.  I’m also super fortunate to have an essential job and an amazing team to lead. People who literally work endlessly to make sure our students get what they need. But again this leading is happening from far away. Blah!

We miss Brian too. Like a lot. Harper literally tells me at least three times a day. I don’t know if because this virus feels like a life change or because she really just misses people in general and it’s normal to say we miss daddy or option 3, something I haven’t thought of yet, but truly it’s no less than 3 times a day that she’s says I miss Daddy and she hasn’t skipped a day yet. Yay for consistency! 

Another weird change is this: Harper’s go to line after I say goodnight, her successful stall tactic, is to say “what are we doing tomorrow?” She knows her momma likes a good plan so I would always typically answer. After two weeks of being here together, my answer has been, “same as yesterday. I work at home while you do school work then we’ll think of something to do here.” Well she got smart, after saying what are we doing tomorrow and getting the same response of “exactly what we did today” she has now changed her question. As I walked out the room expecting the same line she asked, “Mommy, what are we doing after the virus?” Ummm all the things! Duh!!!!

I like having something to look forward to. I like being busy. I love people. I really like spending Easter with my family. None of those things are happening right now and it does a weird thing with my grief.

But again I know we are lucky. We have fun together. We have an amazing guy in our lives who cooks us meals and delivers toilet paper and brownies. Highly coveted items. He spends time with us and is our only source of human contact! You can imagine how clingy and needy I am. We bought a Nintendo Switch and a hammock and spend equal amounts of time with both. We get to work. We have the means to do school at home. We live close enough to my parents that even though we stay 6 feet away I can be their Shipt shopper and still borrow the Easter cookie cutters even if we aren’t baking together. I also am very aware that  life would be so different if Brian was alive and still going through treatment. This would be totally insane like I know it is for many. We wouldn’t leave

. We’d be terrified to touch a delivery box. I also know it would be crazy/maybe fun to think of being locked down with him 24/7. Y’all would’ve had to send in some rescue due to his craziness. I cannot imagine what his Facebook messages would be or how many people he would harass daily. 

All this to say, weird times. Right? So....what are we doing after the virus???

Entry 76: Three Years

Three years. That’s just insane to me. This year is significant. I remember how Brian realized the exact anniversary of his Dad where he was alive as long with his dad as he was without. Unfortunately for my sweet baby, tomorrow she will have been alive longer without her dad than she was with him. I’m so sad she didn’t get more time with him.  They have both missed out.  I cannot imagine how much more personality she would have because of him.  But I say this all the time, it’s truly amazing how much of him is already in her. Is the need to make people laugh by being random and ridiculous innate? Did she learn his bad habit of picking the skin around her fingers in those three short years? She definitely looks so much like him and makes some of his exact faces. I am so thankful that she knows him and is so much a representation of him.

Looking back on the last three years a lot has happened! 

The unimaginable happened and mom got a tattoo!

We moved out of our first home in Twin Lakes.

We moved into our new home in New Hope.

Brian was honored with a teaching award named after him.

We lost our Fletchie.

People continued to fill our lives with sunshine and love. 

We spent some time in the gym challenging ourselves and working on mental health. 

We celebrated the people who were so crucial during our cancer journey. 

We celebrated love and babies! Some of the best memories!

We celebrated Brian in cool new ways.

We cherished valuable time with family. 

We figured out what it takes to get the job done. 

We received the most precious gifts!

And continued to cherish the kindness of strangers.

We cried the good cleansing tears. 

We celebrated Brian together at the mountain house with the lightning squad. 

We made room for joy! And lots of it!

Our besties found love!

And I know just how excited Brian would be for this!

We said goodbye to my childhood home in Valrico.

We excitedly welcomed GeGe and Bampy to St. Augustine!

Our people kept showing 

Showing up at all the right times!

We had lots of dates at the grave.

Experienced the first real concert that gave us all the feels. 

Said goodbye to Papa Rog. 

Went camping for the first time. 

Experienced incredible adventures while experiencing the loss of another friend. 

Harps started dance. 

She learned to swim!

She graduated Pre-K.

We took amazing adventures to visit Sally on her new adventure in England.

We enjoyed so much the time in London with family!

Harps started Kindergarten!

We took trips with our besties. 

We made room for new love. 

We continued traditions.

New people making our lives even happier. 

Our friends added new babies for us to love. 

We had amazing family time at our magical place. 

We upheld traditions.

Most of all, we loved and lived the life we have. 

So three years is sad. It's a huge landmark. But we are loved. We are so incredibly blessed. Tonight the house was full. Full of love. Full of the people who have continuously showed up. Continuously celebrated all of these moments the last three years. People who knew Brian and will never not let him be a part of our lives. As time and life move on, our hearts forever will love and remember the best guy.

P.S. My need for pretty hates the layout of this blog, but it is what it is!

Entry 75: The Hardest Days

As part of Whole30 the clean eating I do quite often, days 10 and 11 are known as the hardest days. It’s when most people quit and give up. I feel like for my grief it’s the same. Days 10 and 11 of January are the hardest days. Maybe even harder than the day Brian died. I don’t know why I don’t prepare and plan for January 10th and 11th but maybe it’s because i don’t know how or it isn’t possible. In 2017, this is the time Brian was super sick at home, falling down, waking up after a nap and not remembering that he was awake earlier in the day. It’s the time when we finally went to the hospital and the last time Brian was home.

This week has been overwhelming. With the start of grad school and wondering where I’m going to carve out time for that and with the heaviness of grief that I forget to prepare for, it’s just been rough. Harper has been grieving too. Mentioning Brian every single day. Discussing her fears of death. But also bringing so much joy and light to every single day. Just like her daddy!

So this weekend we are going to take some time to connect with people, take a break from the demands of work and school, and just be with this grief on these hardest days. It’s insane to think it’s been 3 years!

Entry 74: Connected

When looking at my top 9 from my year, it's so clear that my life continues to move on but Brian is always a huge part of it. Looking at these Best 9 most liked photos is such a snapshot of all that was my life before and continues to be my life now. I see Brian through it all. I see the commitment of his friends to love us through everything and always be there for us. I see family memories and traditions that continue. I see a sweet sweet girl who continues to grow and reminds me of her dad constantly. And I see new people we've added to our lives.

Update: The last two blogs were break up blogs. Well, Josh and I are working it out. He texted about a week later saying he was an idiot and got scared of how good things were (of course this is the simplified version).  I have NEVER in my life been dumped then gotten back together with someone. It's not what I do. But he seems worth it. There have been lots of discussions because it's one thing to gamble with my heart but harder when Harper's heart is involved too. It's amazing what mature conversations I can have with her. Overall I am hopeful of what's to come and I am hoping this is the next right thing.

Looking Back at 2019
Every year I chose a word and try to be mindful of the word throughout the year. For 2019 the word was "MORE". There was definitely more.

• More adventures! Utah, Chicago, and England were some of our faves
• More changes. A new job, teaching at UNF,  and reapplying to grad school
• More loss like our friend Harold 
• More friends having babies for me to love on
• More new experiences like dating and breaking up and dating again
• More framily, family and friend time
• More love from all our favorite people
• More of the unexpected like home repairs
• More growth like Harps learning to read, first dance recital, and first soccer season

Looking Forward to 2020
For 2020 I am choosing the word "CONNECTED". I want to be more connected to what I am doing. I want to break up with my phone. I want to be connected to how I am feeling and how I am taking care of my body. I want to focus on my connections to the people I love and care for. I want to build better connections in my new role at work. If I've learned anything from all the more it's that there's no way to truly appreciate it all without being connected.  I loved 2019 and am really looking forward to what 2020 adds to our lives.

Entry 73: The Next Right Thing

Two blogs in two days, someone must be emotional!

Anyways..

It's crazy how a kids movie can speak to you at just the right time. The same thing always happens when I go to church after struggling. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today because I was afraid I'd be a crying mess. However, we did get out of the house to see Frozen 2 with friends and it was just like church. The message was loud and clear!

I remember feeling silly shortly after Brian died that a song from the Trolls movie became our anthem. Today I don't feel silly at all. Not one bit. Right in the middle of Frozen 2, there is a song about grief. I'm sitting there with two other adults who have experienced loss and three children who have all lost their dad.

Anna sings,
"The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb"

Um Disney!! What are you doing to us??

Then,
"The grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

I MEAN COME ON!!!!

Then get this!
"And with the dawn, what comes then?
When it's clear everything will never
be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear the voice
And do the next right thing"

What a powerful message!!! The next right thing. How easy that makes it all sound and feel??  It breaks down grief into a manageable process. All you have to do is the next right thing.

I so feel this applies to so many things in life. Frustrated by something at work? Do the next right thing. Heartbroken over a breakup? Simple, do the next right thing which is DEFINITELY NOT sending a text about how much the person hurt you even if it's tempting. That clearly would not be the next right thing, duh!  Not sure how to solve a bigger problem that seems impossible? Don't worry, Anna says just do the next right thing.

I'm a solver and a fixer. I like to be fine. I like for everything to be good, solved, and happy. I HATE feeling down. So I like to get through the yucky stuff as fast as possible. But I'm not always in control. GRRR!

But here's the hope. Today is the first day of Advent. And one of the Advent candles is HOPE.
The song says,
"Hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

The next right thing for Harper and me is finding the joy of advent. Actively seeking is. Not letting go of the hope. Praying for peace and pouring all of the love we have for the people in our lives. The people who ALWAYS help us when the grief gets heavy again. I know in the grand scheme of things this will all seem minor at some point. However, I am beyond grateful Some Things Never Change (another good song from the movie) like our people. My parents immediately came to our rescue. They filled our time with errands, Uno Flip, new Christmas lights, new PJs for Harper, and whipped cream. After the movie I walked in to the house to find flowers from them! I'm grateful for besties who check in and text often. I am thankful for the forever friends that take me on Christmas adventures full of belly laughs that make you forget sadness. I am thankful for Disney and their magic that hits real, raw emotions and creates songs that you immediately know all the words to and listen to on repeat.

Tonight on this first Sunday of Advent, we put our shoe in the window (a family tradition) so the elf (not the shelf kind) can come and add to the magic of Christmas with tiny prizes that will make an almost 6 year old happy and hopeful for the season to come. Can't wait to just do the next right thing!

Love all you people!

Entry 72: It's a Sad One

My heart really hurts right now. Breaking up always sucks, but sucks times 10 the first time you're in love after your husband dies. Sucks even more when there are kids involved. Sucks worse when you were sure this was a long term thing. Sucks even more this time of year even though I don't think any time of year would be better. (Don't say sucks, it's a bad word. Sorry Mom.)


I got really good at being independent and leaning on my friends and only needing Harper the first two years after Brian died.  Then I started dating and let people in. It's nice to have someone care about your day to day life and to spend time with. I know I will be okay eventually, but GOSH THIS IS TERRIBLE. It's hard to see Harper experience another loss. She was really close to his daughter and the idea of not seeing her anymore makes Harper so sad. I hate that my dating life has an impact on her and is another loss for the both of us.

It may seem weird to post about a breakup in a blog, but it's better than telling everyone individually and being sad every single time. This clearly isn't what I wanted, but I know with time, this will heal and I will look back and be thankful for what the relationship taught me. But right now my heart just hurts, a ton. I wish Brian was alive, I didn't have to date, I had his unconditional love, and there were more Newton babies in the world.

For now, I will love on my baby and lean on my friends/family and get through this heartbreak too.

Entry 71: Life Update!

So life has been great lately. Like really super good. I haven’t posted as much not because grief isn’t still very real, I think I’ve just learned more ways to manage it or the moments of memories just make my heart super happy.
So here's a life update.

First, I love my new role as Assistant Principal. It’s challenging. It’s stretching me. It’s

requiring me to learn new skills. But it’s fun. And rewarding. And I still get to sneak in teaching and model some lessons for willing teachers which makes my heart so happy! Not having all the days off teachers get for hurricanes takes some getting used to but seriously I love the job and all that comes with it. Grad school for Educational Leadership starts in spring!

Second, I have a boyfriend! I never thought dating would feel easy, and I definitely never imagined my life looking like it does now.

Everyone, meet Josh. He’s amazing. He understands grief. Like totally gets me and lets me talk about Brian and asks questions and even handles Harper’s random “my dad died on my third birthday” conversation starters. Also, Harper LOVES him. She has named him Dot and will accept no other names for him. I’m in serious shock when she hits her head and goes to him for comfort even though I’m in the same room. Like that couldn’t make my heart happier. Josh has his own kids which has also made Harper and me super happy. We love spending time with them. He just fits. And not in a replacing, filling a void way, but in and enhancing and fulfilling new way.

Third, Harper loves kindergarten. The second day of kindergarten, drop off was totally rough. Morning extended day involved being dropped off in a large and cold multipurpose room. Needless to say Harper wasn’t feeling it and maybe or maybe she chased me out of the room 6 times and we were both crying by the end of it. Have no fear, Brent and Katie have totally rescued us. Every morning Harper gets to spend time with the Bechtolds and have a happy send off to school which includes big hugs and secret handshakes.

So overall life if good. Like super happy, super good. We had fun celebrating Brian's birthday with the lightning squad and a full house. Also it's Fall! Excited for all the fun it brings!