Entry 76: Three Years

Three years. That’s just insane to me. This year is significant. I remember how Brian realized the exact anniversary of his Dad where he was alive as long with his dad as he was without. Unfortunately for my sweet baby, tomorrow she will have been alive longer without her dad than she was with him. I’m so sad she didn’t get more time with him.  They have both missed out.  I cannot imagine how much more personality she would have because of him.  But I say this all the time, it’s truly amazing how much of him is already in her. Is the need to make people laugh by being random and ridiculous innate? Did she learn his bad habit of picking the skin around her fingers in those three short years? She definitely looks so much like him and makes some of his exact faces. I am so thankful that she knows him and is so much a representation of him.

Looking back on the last three years a lot has happened! 

The unimaginable happened and mom got a tattoo!

We moved out of our first home in Twin Lakes.

We moved into our new home in New Hope.

Brian was honored with a teaching award named after him.

We lost our Fletchie.

People continued to fill our lives with sunshine and love. 

We spent some time in the gym challenging ourselves and working on mental health. 

We celebrated the people who were so crucial during our cancer journey. 

We celebrated love and babies! Some of the best memories!

We celebrated Brian in cool new ways.

We cherished valuable time with family. 

We figured out what it takes to get the job done. 

We received the most precious gifts!

And continued to cherish the kindness of strangers.

We cried the good cleansing tears. 

We celebrated Brian together at the mountain house with the lightning squad. 

We made room for joy! And lots of it!

Our besties found love!

And I know just how excited Brian would be for this!

We said goodbye to my childhood home in Valrico.

We excitedly welcomed GeGe and Bampy to St. Augustine!

Our people kept showing 

Showing up at all the right times!

We had lots of dates at the grave.

Experienced the first real concert that gave us all the feels. 

Said goodbye to Papa Rog. 

Went camping for the first time. 

Experienced incredible adventures while experiencing the loss of another friend. 

Harps started dance. 

She learned to swim!

She graduated Pre-K.

We took amazing adventures to visit Sally on her new adventure in England.

We enjoyed so much the time in London with family!

Harps started Kindergarten!

We took trips with our besties. 

We made room for new love. 

We continued traditions.

New people making our lives even happier. 

Our friends added new babies for us to love. 

We had amazing family time at our magical place. 

We upheld traditions.

Most of all, we loved and lived the life we have. 

So three years is sad. It's a huge landmark. But we are loved. We are so incredibly blessed. Tonight the house was full. Full of love. Full of the people who have continuously showed up. Continuously celebrated all of these moments the last three years. People who knew Brian and will never not let him be a part of our lives. As time and life move on, our hearts forever will love and remember the best guy.

P.S. My need for pretty hates the layout of this blog, but it is what it is!

Entry 75: The Hardest Days

As part of Whole30 the clean eating I do quite often, days 10 and 11 are known as the hardest days. It’s when most people quit and give up. I feel like for my grief it’s the same. Days 10 and 11 of January are the hardest days. Maybe even harder than the day Brian died. I don’t know why I don’t prepare and plan for January 10th and 11th but maybe it’s because i don’t know how or it isn’t possible. In 2017, this is the time Brian was super sick at home, falling down, waking up after a nap and not remembering that he was awake earlier in the day. It’s the time when we finally went to the hospital and the last time Brian was home.

This week has been overwhelming. With the start of grad school and wondering where I’m going to carve out time for that and with the heaviness of grief that I forget to prepare for, it’s just been rough. Harper has been grieving too. Mentioning Brian every single day. Discussing her fears of death. But also bringing so much joy and light to every single day. Just like her daddy!

So this weekend we are going to take some time to connect with people, take a break from the demands of work and school, and just be with this grief on these hardest days. It’s insane to think it’s been 3 years!

Entry 74: Connected

When looking at my top 9 from my year, it's so clear that my life continues to move on but Brian is always a huge part of it. Looking at these Best 9 most liked photos is such a snapshot of all that was my life before and continues to be my life now. I see Brian through it all. I see the commitment of his friends to love us through everything and always be there for us. I see family memories and traditions that continue. I see a sweet sweet girl who continues to grow and reminds me of her dad constantly. And I see new people we've added to our lives.

Update: The last two blogs were break up blogs. Well, Josh and I are working it out. He texted about a week later saying he was an idiot and got scared of how good things were (of course this is the simplified version).  I have NEVER in my life been dumped then gotten back together with someone. It's not what I do. But he seems worth it. There have been lots of discussions because it's one thing to gamble with my heart but harder when Harper's heart is involved too. It's amazing what mature conversations I can have with her. Overall I am hopeful of what's to come and I am hoping this is the next right thing.

Looking Back at 2019
Every year I chose a word and try to be mindful of the word throughout the year. For 2019 the word was "MORE". There was definitely more.

• More adventures! Utah, Chicago, and England were some of our faves
• More changes. A new job, teaching at UNF,  and reapplying to grad school
• More loss like our friend Harold 
• More friends having babies for me to love on
• More new experiences like dating and breaking up and dating again
• More framily, family and friend time
• More love from all our favorite people
• More of the unexpected like home repairs
• More growth like Harps learning to read, first dance recital, and first soccer season

Looking Forward to 2020
For 2020 I am choosing the word "CONNECTED". I want to be more connected to what I am doing. I want to break up with my phone. I want to be connected to how I am feeling and how I am taking care of my body. I want to focus on my connections to the people I love and care for. I want to build better connections in my new role at work. If I've learned anything from all the more it's that there's no way to truly appreciate it all without being connected.  I loved 2019 and am really looking forward to what 2020 adds to our lives.

Entry 73: The Next Right Thing

Two blogs in two days, someone must be emotional!

Anyways..

It's crazy how a kids movie can speak to you at just the right time. The same thing always happens when I go to church after struggling. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today because I was afraid I'd be a crying mess. However, we did get out of the house to see Frozen 2 with friends and it was just like church. The message was loud and clear!

I remember feeling silly shortly after Brian died that a song from the Trolls movie became our anthem. Today I don't feel silly at all. Not one bit. Right in the middle of Frozen 2, there is a song about grief. I'm sitting there with two other adults who have experienced loss and three children who have all lost their dad.

Anna sings,
"The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb"

Um Disney!! What are you doing to us??

Then,
"The grief has a gravity
It pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
"You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

I MEAN COME ON!!!!

Then get this!
"And with the dawn, what comes then?
When it's clear everything will never
be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear the voice
And do the next right thing"

What a powerful message!!! The next right thing. How easy that makes it all sound and feel??  It breaks down grief into a manageable process. All you have to do is the next right thing.

I so feel this applies to so many things in life. Frustrated by something at work? Do the next right thing. Heartbroken over a breakup? Simple, do the next right thing which is DEFINITELY NOT sending a text about how much the person hurt you even if it's tempting. That clearly would not be the next right thing, duh!  Not sure how to solve a bigger problem that seems impossible? Don't worry, Anna says just do the next right thing.

I'm a solver and a fixer. I like to be fine. I like for everything to be good, solved, and happy. I HATE feeling down. So I like to get through the yucky stuff as fast as possible. But I'm not always in control. GRRR!

But here's the hope. Today is the first day of Advent. And one of the Advent candles is HOPE.
The song says,
"Hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing"

The next right thing for Harper and me is finding the joy of advent. Actively seeking is. Not letting go of the hope. Praying for peace and pouring all of the love we have for the people in our lives. The people who ALWAYS help us when the grief gets heavy again. I know in the grand scheme of things this will all seem minor at some point. However, I am beyond grateful Some Things Never Change (another good song from the movie) like our people. My parents immediately came to our rescue. They filled our time with errands, Uno Flip, new Christmas lights, new PJs for Harper, and whipped cream. After the movie I walked in to the house to find flowers from them! I'm grateful for besties who check in and text often. I am thankful for the forever friends that take me on Christmas adventures full of belly laughs that make you forget sadness. I am thankful for Disney and their magic that hits real, raw emotions and creates songs that you immediately know all the words to and listen to on repeat.

Tonight on this first Sunday of Advent, we put our shoe in the window (a family tradition) so the elf (not the shelf kind) can come and add to the magic of Christmas with tiny prizes that will make an almost 6 year old happy and hopeful for the season to come. Can't wait to just do the next right thing!

Love all you people!

Entry 72: It's a Sad One

My heart really hurts right now. Breaking up always sucks, but sucks times 10 the first time you're in love after your husband dies. Sucks even more when there are kids involved. Sucks worse when you were sure this was a long term thing. Sucks even more this time of year even though I don't think any time of year would be better. (Don't say sucks, it's a bad word. Sorry Mom.)


I got really good at being independent and leaning on my friends and only needing Harper the first two years after Brian died.  Then I started dating and let people in. It's nice to have someone care about your day to day life and to spend time with. I know I will be okay eventually, but GOSH THIS IS TERRIBLE. It's hard to see Harper experience another loss. She was really close to his daughter and the idea of not seeing her anymore makes Harper so sad. I hate that my dating life has an impact on her and is another loss for the both of us.

It may seem weird to post about a breakup in a blog, but it's better than telling everyone individually and being sad every single time. This clearly isn't what I wanted, but I know with time, this will heal and I will look back and be thankful for what the relationship taught me. But right now my heart just hurts, a ton. I wish Brian was alive, I didn't have to date, I had his unconditional love, and there were more Newton babies in the world.

For now, I will love on my baby and lean on my friends/family and get through this heartbreak too.

Entry 71: Life Update!

So life has been great lately. Like really super good. I haven’t posted as much not because grief isn’t still very real, I think I’ve just learned more ways to manage it or the moments of memories just make my heart super happy.
So here's a life update.

First, I love my new role as Assistant Principal. It’s challenging. It’s stretching me. It’s

requiring me to learn new skills. But it’s fun. And rewarding. And I still get to sneak in teaching and model some lessons for willing teachers which makes my heart so happy! Not having all the days off teachers get for hurricanes takes some getting used to but seriously I love the job and all that comes with it. Grad school for Educational Leadership starts in spring!

Second, I have a boyfriend! I never thought dating would feel easy, and I definitely never imagined my life looking like it does now.

Everyone, meet Josh. He’s amazing. He understands grief. Like totally gets me and lets me talk about Brian and asks questions and even handles Harper’s random “my dad died on my third birthday” conversation starters. Also, Harper LOVES him. She has named him Dot and will accept no other names for him. I’m in serious shock when she hits her head and goes to him for comfort even though I’m in the same room. Like that couldn’t make my heart happier. Josh has his own kids which has also made Harper and me super happy. We love spending time with them. He just fits. And not in a replacing, filling a void way, but in and enhancing and fulfilling new way.

Third, Harper loves kindergarten. The second day of kindergarten, drop off was totally rough. Morning extended day involved being dropped off in a large and cold multipurpose room. Needless to say Harper wasn’t feeling it and maybe or maybe she chased me out of the room 6 times and we were both crying by the end of it. Have no fear, Brent and Katie have totally rescued us. Every morning Harper gets to spend time with the Bechtolds and have a happy send off to school which includes big hugs and secret handshakes.

So overall life if good. Like super happy, super good. We had fun celebrating Brian's birthday with the lightning squad and a full house. Also it's Fall! Excited for all the fun it brings!

Entry 70: Kindergarten Eve

Dang it! I didn’t think kindergarten was gonna get to me! Went to meet the teacher with mom last week and ran into some besties who got emotional but I didn’t. Then tonight, the night before first day hits and I’m a mess! 

Of course milestones make me miss Brian but this one most of all so far. He would be so head over heels in love with this child we made. He always wanted a kid that could talk back. A five year old was right up his alley. She’s hysterical. And bright. Has the most random thoughts and likes the craziest things. She’s creative and a problem solver. She also crawled around on the ABC rug at meet the teacher day, crawling to each letter in her name rather than responding to the teacher’s questions. It’s fine! It’s totally normal! She’s a creep! 

It’s like Suzy said in a text tonight, “He would’ve been crazy and all her classmates would know and love him.” It’s so so true. 

I have no doubt in my mind that Harper  will rock kindergarten. I also know I am capable doing all of these milestones with my girl! I just wish he got to do them too. Not because I need him but because they are awesome. She is awesome. And gosh darn it he was so the most awesome dad. I mean he might’ve tried to fight anyone if Harper came home and reported that they hurt her feelings even if it was a 5 year old. He definitely would have taught her many more crazy phrases than she uses right now and probably some pretty inappropriate ones. And I would have definitely had to elbow him and try to get his inappropriate meter in check in the halls of an elementary school. But he should be here. He should get to see this spunky little joy walk into class and have her ask for one more hug at least 10 times. Maybe he would’ve even carried her in upside down. Right Mary? 

I’m so excited to share my tiny human with the big new world of elementary school. I’m excited for her to love learning. I can’t wait for her inventive writing and for her to continue to develop her love of numbers. I hope her social intelligence and life experiences make her the kindest little kindergartener there ever was! So if I cry tomorrow it’s not because I’m worried about her, it’s because I wish her was here to hold her hand, towering over everyone, then being an emotional mess like the little softie he was for his baby!