Entry 87: Small World

 The best thing happened today! While sitting at Lily's lacrosse game, I talked to the mom sitting next to me. She seemed cool. Later in the game, she said, "You are SO familiar." I had had that same thought last week. Going through the normal questions like where do you work? Do you work out? What school do your kids go to? And we still couldn't figure it out. A few minutes later she said I worked at Community Hospice for 10 years. I said I am going to cry and then I am going to hug you. This mom sitting next to me today happened to be the most important person to me the 11 days Brian was at Hospice. She was the manager at that time. She was the one I cried to night one. The once I cussed to when feeling so overwhelmed. The one who made me feel normal when everything seemed so chaotic. The one who gave use the bonus "frat room" when we had so many visitors. The one my mom wrote a long letter to after everything happened. When you are in the chaos of all that occurs in Hospice, it is amazing to have someone there who knows the Hospice side of things. You abruptly leave when your time at Hospice is over. And although we did go back because Harper was asking questions, you don't get to tell the people how much they truly meant to you. Well, today I did. I got to look at this person in the face and tell her the impact she had on me all while we were trying to figure out the rules of lacrosse. I got to introduce her to Josh and Harper got to hear about her too. I love this small town and small world we live in. I am so thankful she said something out loud and that now I get to hang out with her on Sundays. My heart loves this so much!

Entry 86: Five Years

 What! How? It’s insane to think so much time and life has passed without Brian physically in it.

Grief looks different as the years go on. Memories of Brian and funny stories to tell about him still pop up very daily. The tears are more random and further apart but the missing is no less intense. My Timehop for the month of January is brutal and the picture from Hospice remind me of all the love but also show how cancer devastated Brian’s body.

It’s amazing to be loved by someone now who supports my grief and gets it.  When I randomly cry and Josh just hugs me and lets me feel my emotions. He gives comfort, listens to memories, and accepts it all. I wonder how I could so lucky to have both him and Brian. I am so loved. 

This morning, on the day I became a momma and the day I lost my love, I got to wake up in Colorado with our besties, the ones we inherited from Brian. We got here Thursday and I have almost peed my pants from laughter multiple times every day since. As Harper says, “I’m so happy to spend my birthday with our original family.” We get to talk about all our random memories from silly fights where I stormed out with a baby bag to ridiculous things Brian would do and say. They know him even better than me. They see Brian in Harper and love her so much.

I took a screenshot of every post that people posted after Brian died, and last night I read them through tears remembering just how many lives he touched. And as my life continues forward from that day in 2017, I realize I spend less time with the people who continue to mean so much to me. Who literally walked along side us every hard step of cancer. I love them so much and their continued support for us got us through.  I’m still so insanely thankful for them all. It would be easy to be sad today I am so so so thankful that I had Brian. And because of Brian my life is so blessed. And because of our love, I get to celebrate our baby turning eight! He would love everything about her. The fact that she has a favorite bad word, the fact that she nailed people with snowballs unexpectedly this weekend and laughed like a crazo about it, the fact that she gets awarded academic excellence for facing challenges well, that fact that she makes crazy faces and says the most ridiculous things, the fact that she’s very much a people person and loves so easily, and the fact that my new man loves her so well. 

So instead of being super sad all day, we are going to spend this day making more memories, having ridiculous fun, celebrating our eight year old, and hugging the people we love. 

Entry 85: Birthday Blues

 As you can tell, there has considerably more time between blogs. Personal life has been full of happiness and puppy training. In June Josh, Hayden and Lily moved in, in July we took an amazing family vacay to National Parks, mid July we brought home Lenny, the smartest puppy ever and things have been happy. 

BUT holy smokes Brian's birthday hit me SUPER hard this year. Although I think about Brian ALL.THE.TIME. and everything makes me think of a memory of him and I share those memories with whoever is around, grief doesn't take over very often anymore. I love Josh and the life we have. He is amazing. He cooks all my food, like all of it, like on Sunday asks me what I want for the week for lunches, goes to grocery store, buys it, cooks it, that AMAZING! I am spoiled and well loved. So maybe grief is still there daily, but the emotions stay in check because there is so much happy. Who knows!

However, what I do know is that life has been tough lately. Running a school during a pandemic comes with its challenges. Today there was so much physical anxiety on top of the normal stuff. It's so crazy how the body carries emotions without the conscious thought happening first. So in amazing Josh form he asks me: "What do you need? Pizza? Wine? A puppet show? I can make all of those happen. Just say the word". Harps and I arrive home from work/school to our own bouquet of flowers. If that wasn't all, when Harper mentions that she just wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, that Dot turns off the burners, puts the meal in the fridge for tomorrow and off we go! Chuck E. Cheese during a pandemic, I mean.....EEK! But we masked up and had fun. Chuck E. is the last place we celebrated Brian's birthday, his last birthday and Harper has her own memories of it, making it that much more special to her. So after an hour of play, pizza (that was not as good as I remembered), and 2000 tickets that resulted in what she needed most, another stuffed animal, I did what every normal grieving person does and scrolled through Brian's Instagram on the ride home. 10 out of 10 recommend if you need a good cry

and need to remember just how much he loved you and his baby. Looking at his account, I just remember all the joy in the very little things. There are pictures that I don't even remember, but attached are his words and his ridiculousness that mean so much. It was the joy in the mundane. Thousands of pictures just on our big brown couch. Pictures of a random Tuesday, not a posed smile, half the time not even in pants, but ALL of them full of love. Sprinkled throughout are just a few that made me smile.

I love you all. Don't feel bad for me. Life is great and missing Brian makes me so happy to know how much he was loved and how much he means, everyday, all the time, especially on his birthday. When talking with some friends today, Zak shared that every year on Brian's birthday he takes time to share about Brian with his students. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!!?? What a great way to end a hard day. He said, "I love knowing there are more people in this world that know he existed. An that he impacted so many of us." I love that Josh totally embraces all of me and all of this and is one of those people who knows Brian existed and supports all parts of me. Life is crazy. Love your people. Tell them. Always. 

Entry 84: Party of Five

I realized I haven’t written since January and it made me reflect on the reason. A lot of times I write to help process my emotions. And even though grief is still very real and present, life has been going well. More than well, life has been super amazing. So.Many.Good.Things! One good thing was that the valedictorian at FSDB this year thanked me in his speech at graduation. When my heart is missing the classroom and the connection you have with students that is different from what you have when you're the principal, it just made me cry with pride and happiness. How can I teach and do my job at the same time?

That's a thing right?

  Another good thing is that I love having things to look forward to and now that we can, Mom and I booked our Siesta Key trip, a vacation with Josh and all our kids to hike Zion, Bryce and Grand Canyon is on the horizon, family visited and my brother and Meaghan come on Saturday, Hayden graduated, I got to spend time with one of my original babies, Livi, but best of all, as of last Sunday, Josh, Hayden, Lily plus a cat and a hamster all moved in! We are officially a party of five living under one roof and my heart could not be happier. I love having a together life! I love waking up in the morning knowing they are all there. And I really love having a partner to do life with.

I feel happy in my heart knowing Brian would totally approve of Josh. He would love how happy he makes me. And he would really love how he constantly jokes and messes with Harper. He would laugh at how Bella tries super hard to not make eye contact with the cat so that she doesn’t get hissed at or can pretend it’s not there. We still miss him everyday. Harps finished first grade. In her end of the year book she said the best thing she learned this year “was to be kind”. Seriously?!? Her teacher has been amazing dealing with her sensitive heart and helping her work through loving Brian but also loving Dot. She was exactly who Harper (and I) needed and I could not be more thankful for the life skills, reading skills, and extra attention and hugs she gave to Harper this year. Be on the lookout for all the vacation pics and big smiling faces because we really are THAT happy. And for that I am super duper thankful. All the love ❤️⚡️❤️

Entry 83: Four Years

It is insane to me to think that it has been four whole years since we all were around Brian as he left this world. It is insane to me that four years of life have continued on. It is insane to me all the changes that those four years have brought. It is insane to me that he is not here to

experience them all with us. It's insane to me how Harper is SO MUCH LIKE HIM! It's insane to me that I was so worried that my just turned three year old wouldn't have her own memories of her dad and how insanely wrong I was. It is insane to me to feel like it just happened but it's also felt like FOREVER since I have seen him. It's insane to me that after 3 years of cancer and 4 years without him, people continue to show up, show love, and always at the times it is really needed. It's insane to me how the little details slip away the further it gets from the him being alive.

I am always thankful for his love. I challenged my staff to do something ridiculous today for the sole purpose of making someone laugh. I challenged them to maybe even send a dead cockroach in a folded up piece of paper. When thinking about Brian and all that made him him, it is these types of little things that all add up. The fact that he flirted with anyone and everyone. The way he taught me to talk to anyone and ask

truly how they are. The way he knew way too many facts about football or music, but could NOT remember to tell me he was going out of town for work. The way he cherished his friends and kept them for so long. The way he ALWAYS had random prizes for no reason at all. The way he would cry laugh at his own jokes or something so inappropriate that he couldn't stop laughing. The way he was so proud of his baby and showed it in every way possible. The way that nothing was too ridiculous for him. Want to drive to Disney on a Friday night just to eat in Japan and drive

back again? Sure! Why not? Let's go! The way he had the most insane ideas like a gorilla mask at an engagement photoshoot but the ideas were hilarious. The way he was always always thinking of something witty. The way he gave time and taught me the important of quality time. The way he clung to hope through it all. The way he brought our community of people together so that even on this random COVID day 4 years after he died,

Harper and I are NEVER ever alone even if we can't have a lightning squad party. The community so amazing that we woke up to a 14 minute video of all the friends sending love, support and happy birthdays. So today I leave you with RANDOM Brian. RIDICULOUS Brian. I challenge you to do something today, just for the sake of laughter. My hope is that as we continue to live life post Brian, we will take notice of all the little things that made him so special and see them in the common things of life. Excited to celebrate our baby today even though I don't accept 7 years old!

Entry 82: Grief Has Arrived

 It doesn't matter how much you anticipate it's arrival. It doesn't matter that it is expected. It doesn't matter that you've done this before. Grief comes, it stays, and it hits hard and heavy.

I swear to you our body saves and remembers even if our brain doesn't. January was bad for several years before Brian died.  Looking at my line a day journal I know January 11th is normally the time the grief comes. This year on the 11th I was still feeling good. I thought maybe this year, I will happily remember Brian and not feel the chest squeezing grief. WRONG. Grief came like a freight train on Wednesday, two days late, and seems to be taking its sweet time. Why is it still so strong this year? Is it because I feel so disconnected from my lightning squad people because of dumb COVID? Is it because life has been really really really happy for an extended period of time (no break ups) that being sad feels even worse? Is it because no matter what it just sucks to lose the person you love? I do not know. But it's hard! I am doing my self care. I am eating well again. I am working out. I am being consistent with routines to feel a sense of control. But grief remains.

That's a lot of bad so what is good? I enjoy my job even though I miss the classroom a bit. I work with great people. Josh is amazing. I love him. We had two awesome trips and got to spend quality time with his family. According to Harper she has new cousins.  Harper loves her Dot and loves when he spends the night even though it makes it so she doesn't sleep with me. He makes her laugh and teaches her to be ridiculous and I think Brian would really appreciate that. Sally moved back and Harps gets to see her grandma way more often! My parents are a minute away and even though we are being super safe, we still get to see them from a distance. But the best of all is Harper. She's amazing. She's reading and it's the most exciting thing for her educator mom. She's one thousand and ten percent Brian. She's ridiculous. She says "Huzaah!" when she does something that isn't even that spectacular and it makes me laugh every time. She's decided she needs spa music to help her sleep. She advocates for herself when I don't let her share her point of view. She is generous with her friends and almost put her items back in Target when using her own gift card because I said a water bottle was pretty. She's fun, she's thankful, and she's super affirming!

I can't wait for Covid to pass and grief to pass and all the reconnecting that is going to happen. For now I will sit with this grief and think of it like my dad said "Grief is a way of remembering" and I sure as hell never want to forget. 

Entry 81: I'll Ride the Wave

 So if you know Brian, you know how important music is to him. Like you couldn't ever just ride in the car and listen, he would have to pause and tell you the history behind the song or what a certain lyric meant or lots of random facts about a member of the band. When he found a new song that inspired him or evoked emotion, you could find him listening to it while he showered, again in the car, then on repeat again right after that. 

He wrote his own blogs while experiencing cancer. So many centered around a song lyric and what he was experiencing.

If you want to read his writing, here is one: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/06/ill-swallow-poison-until-i-grow-immune.html

Here is another that explains the lightning bolt symbolism: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/02/ride-lightning.html. The amazing thing because of music that inspired Brian, we have lost count of the number of bolt tattoos there are now. 

The last concert we went to was Pearl Jam. When we bought the tickets, we weren't even sure he'd be able to even use his ticket but we didn't want to give up hope. Let's fast forward to today. Of course the lightning squad shared Brian's story throughout. Because of Zak and Claire sharing Brian's story with a friend, Brian's story was shared with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist of Pearl Jam. Well here is a video we got today.

I cry! Like for real? Is this real life? This man took time out of his life to honor Brian. Brian would totally be freaking out that he would now have an amazing fact to share about this man that made music that meant so much to Brian. How amazing that people who never met Brian felt called enough to share his story. The friend of Zak and Claire who shared the story said this tonight, when crying while trying to get through watching the video they said "We end up with our eyes closed, feeling the music, thinking of you all, and tears running down our face." I mean how truly amazing is all of this. I am so so so thankful! And how amazing for Harper to have something so special and that meant so much to her Dad.