It’s hard to say how I feel. I’m relieved. I’m sad. I miss Brian. I’m grieving. The love of my life dies, then the next person who tells me he’s going to love me forever dumps me not once but twice while I was putting everything I had into the relationship. It sucks. He sucks. I probably put too many of my emotional needs aside in the past few months. Lesson learned. I can be proud that I was myself the whole time. He even admitted that. I can be proud that I show grace and give my all to whatever I am doing. I’m also a super communicator even if it isn’t appreciated. But do I wish we would’ve broken up sooner? Or wish that I never got back together after the first break up? For sure. But that’s hindsight. It feels good to have a person. It felt good to love. It was fun to pour love into his daughter too. But like I told both girls. A relationship needs to be a balance of both people willing to try and give and unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Looking back it feels like he was one foot out for a while. Why hasn’t he met my friends, some of the most important people to me? Why was the after break up exchange as simple as me getting my key and car seat back? Why weren’t our lives more connected by now? Why do I feel relieved and happier this week than I’ve felt in a bit? But also how do you navigate going forward with and eleven year old and six year old who saw each other basically daily for the last six weeks? How do I ensure I don’t abandon their needs while still listening to my own? What’s the right thing to do there? I didn’t just love him, I love her too and don’t think it’s fair to the girls.
With a loss, even if it’s a good thing,comes grief. Tonight I looked back at pictures. And man do I miss Brian so freaking much! We weren’t perfect but the love was balanced. The giving was balanced. There was no question to whether or not I was loved. I miss the simple moments reflected in the pictures. I miss his silly. I miss his prizes. I miss his crazy weird thoughtfulness. I miss what should’ve been.
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| Look at the casual, loving way they’re touching! |
With Mother’s Day coming it makes me sad he isn’t here too. Not because he’d do something big but because he helped make me a mom. Harper is incredible. Like seriously so cool. Everyday of this social distancing I’m just so incredibly grateful for her. She’s fun. Shes easy! She’s laid back and goes with the flow. She doesn’t fuss and she is up for almost anything. She is creative and imaginative. Little things make her happy. She makes me laugh. She surprises me with what she knows and the words she learns. I also love her mispronunciations like chiwala for Chihuahua yet she knows exhausted and other vocabulary I don’t expect. She compliments me when I “dress up” by putting on a headband. She happily serves and helps. She paused the TV to draw characters and it makes me think of Brian’s artistic skills. He would LOVE everything about her. No one can appreciate her as much as I do more than he could. The two of them would be up to no good but there’s no way he’d be able to fit in her newest obsession, her new bunk beds. Don’t start feeling sorry for me on Mother’s Day. My family is amazing. Harper FaceTimed secretly with my mom then later with my brother. I went up to get my phone and she said “Mom, there’s trouble. GeGe and Uncle CeeCee are both getting you flowers.” She was so distraught while trying to do kind things. I asked if she told my brother that my mom already was doing it and she said no. I was tempted to allow two bouquets to arrive. Who doesn’t want that!!!
Again we are loved, we are fortunate, but I miss Brian. People continue to do kind things. Yes still! Three and half years after he dies and really for the three years before that too, since we learned cancer was part of our lives. People text/call at the perfect time. We get an amazing painting from a former intern and friend. A surprise wine delivery arrived three hours before the break up! How much more perfect could that be?! Besties offer to grocery shop so you don’t have to risk taking Harps into stores. A drive by stuffed animal drop off because we are being extra careful and still have ours in trash bags. People check in and really want to know the truth to how we are doing.
Although this blog may sound emotional. I’m really doing okay. When you have a practice break up the second time makes you more mad than sad. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t open up a big space for grief to fill again. But we will deal with that. We will go (safely) to not crowded beaches. We will continue to make so many simple but wonderful memories. The pause has really allowed me to appreciate what I have: an amazing kid, the people I love, a great essential job, and time, finances and health to be more than just okay during the weirdest time. Maybe one good thing about cancer is that it has prepped me for this “feeling out of control” “not being able to plan” phase that the world is in?! Thanks cancer? Who knows! So much love to you all!!
**my phone at first autocorrected that to so much lice to you all! Update: we are lice free! But my phone knows we’ve been talking about it a lot! Love/lice it’s the same.
