Entry 30: The Greatest Inheritance

Harper and I just returned from a trip to High Point, NC for the Jones Family Reunion.  This is the reunion Brian and I brought Harper to when she was 6 months old and again when she was one and half.  We didn't get to go to last year due to finding a new mass in Brian's brain and making new treatment plans.  This reunion is all Brian's dad's side of the family. Let me just tell you, they are loving, fun, and so welcoming.  Because of Brian, these people are now in our lives and I couldn't be more thankful.

As Brian's Uncle was preaching during his memorial this weekend, he spoke about how God continues to give. It makes me think of my life. Although someone incredible was taken from us, we have been given so much. We've been given this family that showers us with love. Cousins that make us feel right at home even when we pull up without Brian this time. A family that hugged us, cried with us, and shared milkshakes!

This is the inheritance we received from Brian.  As I look at my village and my closest friends, they are mostly from Brian. People who love us and continue to give to us. Time, prizes, love and hugs.  There is nothing greater to inherit in life and to know it's mine because of Brian. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful.

Some people are surprised by how well I am doing. Some people may even think I am not grieving enough.  Last week, as I sat on the deck of a restaurant with my gym people, live music was playing, the weather was gorgeous and there was a beautiful full moon. As I sat there, I had this overwhelming feeling that this is the life, life is great! I then felt immediately guilty. But it's true. That night as we drove home Harper said, "Mommy, remember how Daddy rubbed my head every night before bed?  Remember how much he loved me? Remember when he made us laugh?"  My life is good. I miss Brian all the time. I want him here. I want him to be making his family feel incredibly awkward at the reunion. I want him to laugh at the ridiculous things Harper says. I want him to hold my hand on the propeller plane when I am sure it is going to crash.  I want him to hug me and be proud. At the same time, I love this life. I've been given so much. I've inherited a community of love. I've been introduced to a new community, the DriV community that is just as loving and giving.  So when I told my counselor about the life is great guilt she shared this poem, "As I Sit in Heaven".

"So live your life, laugh again,
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me..."

So I will laugh for Brian. I will enjoy some of the new freedoms that come from being single. But I will do so to remember Brian always.

Entry 29: A Special Relationship

No! Not a relationship with a guy. Crazos! Unless you count Gaston.

I am talking about my relationship with Harper. I cannot tell you how many times in a week I look at her and think, 'Gosh my baby is so cool.' She's affectionate, way too smart, in tune to feelings, has a million best friends, and is just the right amount of sassy. 

To treat ourselves our one big splurge for the year was Disney annual passes. Harper loves Disney. Brian loved Disney.  I love Disney. Brian and I had annual passes when we were dating and would use it just to stop in for dinner.  So walking around the park there are always fun memories associated with all things Disney. Yesterday after church, Harper and I headed down to Disney just the two of us. I can't tell you how many times during the day I thought about how cool she was.  Loading the tram with a folded up stroller and an umbrella and water bottle in my hand, she stays with me. She makes a plan. She is happy over little things. She knows I mean it when I say, "If you touch the rope one more time, I promise we are getting out of this line."  She make choices between ice cream and a smoothie understanding she can't have both or beg for the other one later.  She loves me. She wants to please. She doesn't mind waiting in line. She actually HAD TO wait in line to see Minnie AGAIN because she forgot to show Minnie that she was wearing a Minnie Mouse on her dress.  She sang a "Whole New World" unprompted while riding the magic carpet ride.  She is just SO COOL!  So that's why as I sat across for her a dinner in the Starlight Cafe, with Sonny Eclipse making terrible jokes in the background, I had to choke back tears.  Harper and I are going to have an insanely special relationship but that relationship is there because of the one I am missing. I am not saying Harper wouldn't be as cool if Brian were still alive, I just mean that she and I are going to share this insane bond, not just because she's my daughter but because I am her only living parent. As I looked at her scarfing her mac and cheese I thought, Brian would've loved to see her dance with Mickey. He should be here.


My most favorite memory of Disney is of her sitting on his shoulders freaking out over seeing her favorites in the parade last October. He would agree with how cool Harper is and feel it even more. Sadly, in December, Harper was still in the discovering the boundaries phase and we were having to be strict. I just think about how much he would love to see her now. Now that she had matured and gets it. Now that she gives love so freely and so appropriately. Now that she isn't terrified of characters but runs to greet them. He would enjoy Disney just because he gets to watch her. The day was amazing. There was so much joy. That grief snuck in momentarily at the Starlight Cafe. I want Brian to be with us.  I also worry that this relationship with Harper will put too much pressure on her when she is all I have, but I guess I can worry about that later.

So I miss him. Not because I can't do this life without him (although that lady holding the door to the tram at 9:00PM so my tired baby could climb in while I carried the stroller was my hero), but because I wish we got to do it with him. He will always be with us. As Harper tried to stall at bed time she said, "Let's talk about Daddy." I tell you this child is a genius cause you can say no to one more song or to water, but there is no way I will ever say no to talking about Daddy. So as I ride the struggle bus this morning because we just had to see Cinderella and Elena before leaving which meant we got home super late, I checked my memories from this day. And what do you know, a message from Brian. And I didn't realize until getting ready to insert the picture, look at his last profile picture. That parade memory I was talking about from Disney. I love you too!

 

And if you need a laugh after this heartfelt blog, he 

also posted this not as sweet one when hacking 

my phone one day...

Entry 28: Good Things Come In...

Most people would answer threes.  Good things come in threes. Over the last two days for me good things come in too many to count. As you know I listed my house on Thursday.  On Wednesday I went to look at two houses I was interested in. I was anxious to go but also know myself too well. I didn't want to fall in love with the house before I was able to make an offer on it. Of course, I did fall in love with one too soon.  I just kept telling myself if it was meant to be, it would still be on the market when I was ready to put in an offer.

Thursday morning my house listed at 8am.  This felt bittersweet. It is what we have wanted for a long while but I do feel attached to the house and again we love our neighbors. Here is what they thought about the sign going up! [This does not reflect how we feel about the company. Just the thought of not being neighbors.]  Ha!  Thank goodness mom was in town because at 11am someone wanted to come look at it. Mom busted her butt to get it show ready and drove around with my three crazy dogs in the car for over and hour. Well guess what?!?! They loved it and put in an offer.  AN OFFER! The day it was listed we had an offer!!!!!!!  I may or may have gotten teary-eyed when I got a text from the realtor.  How could you not. Day one....has to be God. So let's count mom being here as good thing number one because of course my mom is number one and the offer as good thing number two.

So after seeing my sweet 8th graders graduate on Thursday I went to the realtor's office. He asked me what I wanted to do.  Now let's talk about making adult decisions. Most the time, the fact now that I make all my decisions and don't have to pass them by anyone is a new freedom that has been nice. I basically get to do what I want all the time. However, there are times when you want your partner to help make decisions. Like when Bella was sick and I was being cheap financially responsible and didn't know whether or not to take her to the emergency vet. I needed Brian's input. Now I am sitting across from the realtor with an offer on the table and him asking me what I want to do. So even though I couldn't look over at Brian and discuss, I just felt this has to be a God thing. Who sells their house in three hours?!?!  So we decided to make an offer on the house I loved and if they accepted, I would accept.  So let's count the offer as good thing number three.

Friday, the last day of school, we waited. We waited to see if our offer would be accepted. In the meantime, I received two of the most thoughtful gifts.  This first one is from a student that I love. She is so special and the gift meant so much.  I love all my students and this year I couldn't be more thankful for the ones who had to be there as I experienced my grief. Can't help but think this is a God thing as well.

I come back to my classroom after taking the kids outside and there is this bag sitting on my desk.  My sweet friend Tracie left me this prize.  The bracelet says Be Brave.  Not only is the bracelet amazing, I can be reminded to be brave like when I have to make adult decisions alone, but it also included a donation to Accelerate Brian Cancer Cure. How special right?!  So what number are we on now? Good thing four and good thing five.

 

 Seriously, God is amazing. My friends are amazing. My family is amazing. My life is amazing.  We are just missing that one amazing piece.  In the afternoon, it was official, the offer I put in was accepted and I accepted the offer being made on my house. Good thing six. There are still many things such as inspections and such that have to fall into place to make this a done deal, but if it's meant to be it will be. Good thing seven was a nice cook out with my framily who I have been missing.  Then as I headed home from that, my bestie in Colorado, Lindsey asked me if I had checked my mail. Don't tell my mom and dad, but I hadn't checked the mail in several days. You won't believe what we got.  The missing piece in all of this happiness is our Daddy. Well here he is. Lindsey used one of Brian's shirts to make a dress for Harper. Simply incredible.  Here is our piece of Daddy getting to be worn by the sweet child we made. Good thing eight. Good things for us come in eights.  It's hard not to believe that God knows our prayers and answers them. It's hard not to think that Brian is up there rejoicing because this is what he would want. Many people have said I deserve the good things coming. Even though I know that I don't deserve them, God provides. So instead of keeping my house impeccably clean and shuttling my dogs in the car for a million showings this weekend, I will try to be the good things in other people's lives. I will also go to the gym, maybe visit Brian's grave to talk out the decisions, hang out with friends, go to Mya's dance recital, go to church, and take a trip to Disney because after all, Harper NEEDS to see princesses.  Most of all I will continue to feel grateful for the good things in my life.

Entry 27: Home Sweet Home

 So...I have made the not-easy decision to sell our house. Before you freak out and think..what!?!?!?  How soon! How fast! Why?!?!   I am not leaving because it is hard to be in this house. In fact, I think it will be harder not to be in this house. I am not running from memories or even looking for a fresh start (which would be totally normal and fine).  For me it's because for years Brian and I have been longing to move to a bigger place that is zoned for different schools. Last year we even got as far as contacting a realtor and the bank. As the realtor walked our home telling us how to get it show ready, the task seemed overwhelming and impossible considering Brian was not consistently feeling well. Financially, we also could not afford exactly what we wanted. So the dream remained a dream and was a constant continued discussion that felt impossible.  Even in the end, Brian would make me promise to move somewhere safe. He would have me in a gated community if it were up to him. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago....a friend advertised that their neighbor's house was for sale in the neighborhood I want to live in. So I decided to go fact finding and just investigate my options.  Turns out because Brian set us up financially and because this house, the house he bought, is now worth more, the move is doable. The process in the beginning was exciting.

 Then the realtor came to meet with me and it got WAY TOO REAL!

You may be saying to yourself now....hold up! Your friends are in the real estate business and you didn't use them?!?! You got some explaining to do.  Well here it is....Because this is such an emotional process I needed someone not involved emotionally.  I needed a stranger. I needed someone who would not feel sad when I felt sad. Someone who wouldn't look at the pictures on my wall or see the professional pictures of my home and feel the same attachment to them that I do. I needed a neutral party who didn't really know my story. So to my real estate friends, I am sorry.

Back to the WAY TOO REAL...

This is our home. We got engaged in the kitchen on a day I came home from work less than happy. The elephants in Harper's room were painted by her Daddy free hand.  The couch still holds Brian's butt groove from where he always sat.  The neighbors are the best you could literally ever ask for. I feel like God was saying....you sure you want to leave them when I left my garage door open not once but twice this week.  Each neighbor called me to tell me and closed it for me.  This is only a tiny thing they constantly do for me, but great neighbors are the best! How the heck can I move?!?!?!

The other thing that is scary is the unknown. As Cally reminded me, I like things planned and in a neat pretty package. Buying and selling at the same time is not neat or pretty.  Well the house is neat but there is no way to make a plan. There is no predicting how fast my house will sell. There is also no way to guarantee that the house I want to buy will still be available. I guess what I am saying is there is no control. WUGH! My least favorite thing ever.

So how can I move???  I can because I know that I am following "our" dream. I am focusing on the fact that home means the memories are inside of us. 119 North Twin Maple Road will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Yet...

"Home is not a place...it's a feeling."

So as we cross our fingers and toes, shuttle the dogs out the second there is a showing, and drive around aimlessly, I will remember "our" dream. I will remember our shared goals. I will make sure that when we do get a new home, I do all that I can to bring the feelings of "our" home with us.

Just in case you know someone interested...here's the link to our home: http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/119-N-Twin-Maple-Rd_Saint-Augustine_FL_32084_M52801-12718

Entry 26: Four Months

A reminder in my phone this morning reminded me to take monthly pictures. This is a reminder that

Harper at 40 months! Ha!

pops up on the 22nd of every month. I haven't taken monthly pictures since Harper turned one, yet the reminder it still there that she is another month older. Now this reminder signifies something else. It is another month without Brian.  As I laid in bed trying to convince myself to shower (I am sure Brian would insert some joke about me stinky here), I reflected on what is new to share this month about how I am doing in this grief process. I was really drawing a blank. Then God helped out. SHOCKER-This time it's not about me.

This week we are surprising the students at school as a reward for their community service they have done for others.  As I was shopping with some of my coworkers in Publix, I passed a cute woman pushing her child in a cart. I knew that I knew her from somewhere but couldn't remember where so I gave her the extra big smile.  About half way down the aisle, I remembered how I knew her!  I ran back, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, "I just wanted to thank you. You may remember my crazy self from Hospice. Because of you, I knew the right things to say to my daughter during the whole process. I cannot tell you how much our chats helped me handle the situation in a way that has her doing really well at this point. So THANK YOU!"  I may have teared up and cried as I walked back to put more items in the cart and do some math to make sure we weren't overspending (I really shouldn't have been trusted with that job).  So thank you God for having me cross paths with that sweet social worker. I am so glad I got the chance to truly thank her again after four months have gone by.  I hope she could truly see and know just how crucial she was to making me say the right things and lead Harper the right way through this crazy "journey" of grief.  If that wasn't enough, as we pulled back into school, we also ran into some friends. They had just been to see Brian's grave. How sweet that other people want to visit him too. Made my heart happy to give them a hug after knowing they had just been to see him.

Last night, I also received a text from Lia. If you don't know Lia, she is amazing. She runs the Dance Troupe program at school. Their final performance is this Thursday. A student requested to sign the song, Release, by Pearl Jam. This is the lyric tattooed on Brian's arm and also the song that we let the balloons go to at Brian's grave site ceremony. If the fact that a high-schooler came up with the idea to sign a song for Brian isn't enough to give you the feel goods, Lia made a video to go with it.  She shared it with me last night. The video is absolutely incredible. It is a series of pictures of me and Brian but more importantly Brian loving on Harper. It truly captures his personality and admiration for his daughter. As the song closes out, there is Harper, standing on her Daddy's grave. GAH! When it is ready to share, I will share it.  Although this exact video won't be used for the performance because we don't want to the crowd in tears, the time and energy and thoughtfulness that went into creating it is amazing. So if you want to come with me Thursday, come on!

One more thing! My coworker/friend came into work today with a bag for Harper. The note on the bag said, "To Harper: So you have a reminder of Daddy on those trips to Disney." Inside was that pillow!
How amazing right?! Nevermind that Harper said it was a boppy used for babies and she is obsessed with her Barbies being pregnant! Isn't that gift the coolest?!

So here we are, 4 months later. I thank God for the reminders and the reflection help. Brian lives on.  Little daily reminders are there whether it be a Hospice social worker trying to shop and not get hugged by a crazo, people visiting his grave, a lightning bolt Boppy or neck pillow (depends who you ask) or a friend making a touching video.  He lives on, not because I am forcing it. Not because people feel obligated, but because he is someone worth remembering.

Entry 25: The Stone

Brian's headstone was finally installed last week.

Of course it was on the busiest day before we went out of town, so we didn't get a chance to stop by. Tonight we made it! I don't know what it is about having a stone, but I LOVE it!! I also love the experience I have with Harper each time we go to the cemetery. She talks directly to him. Tells him she loves him. Knows that it can be sad and happy at the same time. Harper was most excited because she has been wanting to step on other stones every time we visit, but I didn't think that would be too appropriate. But I know Brian would LOVE her walking on his. So when we were there tonight, while climbing all over his stone, she said, "We will always talk about Daddy forever." She fluffed his flowers in his vase and talked about how the letter T in Daddy's name is the same letter as her bestie from school.  Harper's ability to handle this situation, to really get it, and to see her process things so honestly really makes my heart feel so much better. As we were driving out she said, "I really wish I could hug him, kiss him, high five, and pinky promise him, and then he could be in his grave." Gah! Me too! Just one more time!  If you know Brian, you know he loved a pinky promise.  She has made the hug, kiss, high five and pinky promise part of our nightly routine. She added these all on her own. She takes the time to kiss 8 spots on face before giving me the final one on my lips. Her bedtime handshake makes me think of him every night and I love that her little heart is thinking of him too.

Entry 24: Words of Affirmation

Here is Brian's blog posted a year ago today. I refer to it in this post. Warning, it may cause tears. It sure did for me but I am beyond thankful to have his words as reminders:

http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/05/

I have been thinking about Brian a lot more lately. Like non-stop. He is in my head. I think of memories. I think of feelings. I just think of him. It could be while I am cooking breakfast. It could be because a student who joined my class in January and never met Brian asks to see a picture of him. It could be for no reason at all. He is on my mind more now than immediately after he died. Like WAY more.  I don't know if it is because life slowed down, or my routine is more predictable, or if that's just what three months later looks like.  All I know is there he is. On my mind and in my heart way more consistently than he was a month ago.

In Brian's blog a year ago today, he talks about feeling the best he's felt in a while. He also talks about how taking hold of his nutrition makes him feel. I can totally relate. I cheated one day on my Whole30 (now Whole80 something). I think I have felt the negative effects all week. Insane. In this blog Brian states, "Whatever I have learned, whatever I have accumulated in this life, and of course model love to her mother as I want her to expect when she is loved one day-all have to be communicated to her from me."  These words touch me so much more now that they did a year ago.  I want to scream to Brian, "YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL!"  Clearly, Brian and I must have used words of affirmation as our love language to Harper because our three year old affirms me daily.  She comments on my outfits. Out of no where she tells me I am her best friend and that she loves me most. She talks about Daddy nonstop. She has said some crazy things like he was shot or that he ate too much candy and became sick and died.  These comments lead to amazing conversations with a three year old.  But more importantly, she talks about why she loves Daddy. She talks about how much he loved her. She knows. I was worried and sad for her being only three and wondering if she would remember him truly. She does! She even talked about going to lay with Daddy in his bed (at Hospice).  During that time it was hard for me to know what the right thing to do was as far as her visiting Hospice. Not only was I dealing with my emotions but then I had to ask myself, do you let your daughter see a dying person at such a young age?  The answer is YES! Thank goodness the counselors at Hospice, my friends, and my mommy instincts led me to that decision. I am so thankful she has those memories of him in the end. So to Brian I would say, she has seen your love modeled. She continues to model it to others. She tells people they are beautiful. She even compliments me in the shower (super strange but loving!).  I can't wait to see how she models Brian's love going forward.  Harper, the affirm-er, the person making people feel special just like her Daddy did.

Now the second part of the blog that made me a total ball of tears was when he says, "I wasn't born to be a football player for the Redskins. I wasn't born to teach. I wasn't born to do my current job. I was born to be a father. Harper's father. For the rest of her life."  UGH! Yes! Yes! Yes!  And this is why I miss him so. He is the only person who will ever be her Daddy.  The only person that will ever get it.  I want to talk to him about her. I was his pride to swell when he sees how good and helpful she is. I want him to laugh when she holds up only her middle finger to show her boo-boo.  Forever he will be her Daddy and she will know him.
These pictures are from this exact date last year.  What I wouldn't give to be able to sit across the table from him tonight and see his handsome face.