Entry 35: Six Months

Six months. Truly unbelievable. This time two years ago we were in NYC prepping for a huge surgery that would be life changing. This time six months ago we were gathered in Hospice prepping for  the end of life of a truly incredible man that changed our life. Today we are prepping our new house for the big move in tomorrow. All life changing events.

Above: NYC meal before surgery,
Below: Surrounded by love in Hospice.

And we celebrate with ice cream!
After all it is her half birthday!

So much can happen in such a short time. It is unbelievable to me that we have had to live six months without our Daddy and husband. Yet there have still been times of joy. When pulling up to the house to meet the painters thinking I still had fifteen minutes before they would arrive, I laughed, then smiled, then almost cried when I saw the Redskins sticker on the back of the truck and because they were early. Brian was there strong and steady waiting for surgery, he was calm and ready in Hospice, and he was a calming stamp of approval today. 

I truly wish he was here to do this life with us. He would've been so proud of the new house. He would've dinged a million walls carrying things by himself up the stairs  that should take four people to lift. I am thankful he has not been here suffering for the last six months, but I miss him. I am happy that Harper continuously talks about her Daddy. She has started drawing family pictures which always contain me, her and Daddy. 

So as our life continues to change, missing and loving Brian is our constant but we are so excited for what's to come.  

Entry 34: The Last Night

So I predicted the last night in this house would be super hard but it's even harder than I thought. As I am singing to Harper at bedtime and staring at the elephants Brian so proudly painted on her walls as she was growing in my belly, I couldn't even get through the songs. These are the songs that Brian stood in the same room and sang next to me. It was his favorite parent activity, singing to his baby and rubbing her. Does my three year old really understand what it means when I say we won't live her anymore after tonight? Growing up my family never moved, so I have never had to say goodbye forever to a house that held such meaning. This was Brian's house that I moved in to. In the closet it looks like someone shot a gun everywhere on the walls because Brian moved shelves and added more so I could fit when we blended our lives. Let's not mention the time all my racks fell down and totally ruined my life for a week because of the disorganized chaos.  Let's also not mention Brian's method of finding a stud to hang things was drilling into the wall, nope, let's drill over here, nope, do that a few more times, of here's one! There's the paint on the ceiling of when we painted the living room together.  There's the kitchen where he proposed after one of the crappiest days in my teaching career. It's the home where we brought home our newborn. It's the only place where she will have known Daddy. Even though I know the move is good, this is hard. I know my heart holds the memories, not the house, but gosh I love this home that we made together.

One of the things I am most excited about my new house is the new community of people on my cul-de-sac that I have heard great things about, yet I will miss my Twin Lakes community. My neighbors who ran over laundry detergent tonight so I could wash one more load, the ones who decorated the driveway with sidewalk chalk when I moved in, the ones who made a tumor jar as a joke before we left for surgery in NYC, the ones who would do anything for my family, the ones who remember to close my garage when I don't, the ones who helped raise my baby during her most precious newborn years, the ones who borrow kitchen stuff and never give it back, the neighbor brothers, these major players in the village who have supported us wholeheartedly since diagnosis day, the ones whose parents/family treat us just as well, and more than neighbors, my friends.

I have fond memories of hosting parties with entirely too many guests for the size of the house. I will always cherish the dinners that started with friends coming over to watch the Bachelor and turned into framily, counseling, and the Brian comedy show.  I laugh when I think about the pups getting out and us blaming Brian and my dad when there was really a giant hole dug under the fence.

So as I cry singing lullabies, I remember to be thankful for this home, these memories, my Brian, these neighbors and the memories 119 North Twin Maple provided. I look forward to our new house and making sure Brian is well represented in it. I also look forward to a fun day of packing the truck with the lightning squad peeps tomorrow!

Entry 33: Lake Love

One thing Brian taught me is to value relationships. When I met Brian there were so many friends of his that I needed to meet. Most of these friends were lifelong friendships that started in middle school and high school.  When I took inventory of my friendships not many were as long as these. It wasn't just one friend either. It was many. As his life went on the more friends he collected.  Sadly, some of my strong friendships from when I was younger faded out as life changes happened. This wasn't the case with Brian. The relationships were strong. I have great friends but really learned from Brian how to foster friendships. Also after our big mountain house getaway in January 2016, Brian and I discussed how important it is to be with our people and make time for them even in the busyness of life. We wouldn't have done that trip if it weren't for cancer. Thank goodness we did because all of those collected friends did a huge friend mixing. But I am also thankful for what I learned from the experience. The value of friends. Thank you cancer for showing just how truly important friends are.

This weekend I got to go to the Traetto lake house in the middle of Alabama. Although I had been invited many times, this was the first year it was possible. So even though my move was only seven days way and life felt busy, I went. On hour six of the eight hour drive we were stuck in a LOOOOOOONNNNGGGG delay with a three year old at one in the morning. I began to question, was this worth it. Let me just tell you...the answer will always be yes.

Getting in in the wee hours of the morning doesn't give you much of an idea of where you are but when you walk out in the morning and see the view from the kitchen.

WORTH IT!  It's so much more than that though. It's getting to appreciate relationships that may not have been as long as the ones Brian had but that feel equally as strong. It's the 8 hours worth of girl talk car chats. It's the meaningful conversations that happen while floating near the waterfall. It's the memory of winning the poker run charity event when you got to play with someone else's money. It's the sense of family. It is sleeping in the bunk room and waking up to see your daughter snuggling her aunts. It's your friends amazing parents spoiling your daughter with brownies and playing with her so you can have adult time on the lake. It's a group of friends where you get to be totally and utterly yourself.  It's former preschool teacher Dani packing a backpack of fun that literally entertains Harper for seven straight hours while you drive.  It is coming in from a day on the boat to home cooked eggplant rollatini  It is a group of amazing role models for our Harper girl.  It's getting to talk about Brian easily with people who loved him. It's walking into a room and the two adults are crying but your daughter is not.  It's giving a pet as a gift because pets are fun and it makes your friend happy.  It's riding a tube behind a boat Dani style and being reminded of amazing times with my youth group growing up.  It's community.  It's an investment into friendships. So the eight hours was worth it...more than worth it.

I love my framily. I am incredible thankful for them. I am also so thankful for Brian and what he taught me about relationships. His investments into people continue to multiple in our lives and I couldn't be more thankful. And like Zak said at the gravesite, in this way I will try to "live like Brian".

P.S. Happy birthday CALLY!  Thanks for an amazing weekend!

Entry 32: Two Things

Two things have been on my mind a lot lately:

1. Just how much Harper is loved.
2. OH MY GOODNESS! We are moving!

Let's start with number 1.

Pictures like this pop up on my TimeHop and have really touched me lately.  This picture is not of a special event, a holiday, or even a memorable occasion, but I love it so much.   The love Brian had for Harper was abundantly clear to everyone, especially her.  I miss that for her. However, the people in our lives compensate by showering her with love times one million. As I sit on the edge of the pool and watch one of my childhood besties tread water in the deep end so that Harper can jump to him over and over again, I think about the many people that pour love into Harper. I feel so incredibly blessed for her. My best friend turns to me after Harper does something adorable and says, "Gosh, I just love her," with total sincerity almost as if she loves her as much as I do. Harper runs out of the Sunday school class and all I can hear is giggling as she plays with Uncle Greg. Everywhere we go she is loved. The gym, the family reunion, vacation with my parents, church, firework shows,  her sweet little school, you name it. She is loved and hugged. Because so much love has been modeled for this little nugget, she shows love in return. As I get dressed in my comfy clothes for around the house, she says, "I love your shirt, Mommy."  As we drive away from fireworks, she says, "I really will miss my best friend."  As I see my sweet Livi (who I babysat since age 6 months, now 14 years old) cracking up as Harper does something else ridiculous my heart smiles.  My heart literally wants to explode when I think of how lucky our child is to be on the receiving end of so much love from so many people and not just the people who are supposed to love her. How did she get so lucky?!

Now number 2.  Look what I wrote in my journal on this day in 3 years ago. 3 years ago!  Brian and I have wanted to move for so long and now it is a reality.  I was home alone today because Harper was missing school and wanted to go, and because we move in 15 days. This is the first time I have been alone in a while. As I was packing boxes I got emotional. Although this is my reality and I am excited, I want it to be OUR reality. I love packing and organizing and I did a whole bunch right after Brian died. Thank God for that because touching all of these pieces of him now, 5 months after he has been gone, really makes me miss the heck out of him. Reading what a few people wrote in his yearbook, seeing pictures of him with his best friends from high school who are now my besties, debating what to do with a FatHead of Robert Griffin, it's all just hard. Reading the card I wrote to him on our wedding day and wishing our forever I talked about in there was longer. I miss him everyday, but packing up our life, our home, has really got me missing him bad today.  He would've been no help with the packing at all. His style of moving was throwing things into the truck or trunk without even a box, but I wish he could see our dream becoming a reality.  Although alone time is not my favorite, I am thankful for the time to miss him and to carefully wrap our memories in newspaper to take them to our new home. A home where we will bring Brian with us, even the Redskins stadium picture for our Redskins corner in the garage. I am thankful for the tangible memories, but most thankful for the memories in our hearts (and in my journal because let's be real my memory is not that great).

So about those two things on my mind:

1. Thank you for loving Harper so much!
2. OH MY GOODNESS! We are moving in 15 days!!!!

Entry 31: A Cloud

Since Brian passed, I feel like time is flying at almost the same rate as watching a newborn grow. Like how can it already be 5 months?!?!  How is it 5 months ago that we were all surrounding his bed in Hospice? How has it been 5 months since our lives have completely changed? Why is life going so quickly?

Lately my life feels "fake". Not because fake because I can't believe I am selling and buying a house kind of fake, but fake in the sense that I've been away a lot and it's okay and I don't have to check in with anyone. Or it's summer and I am a teacher and don't have to work kind of fake. When Brian and I were together he didn't like being apart. He definitely didn't like being apart if it meant I was at the beach. So while at my parents for the last four days and now at the beach house today, I can't help but think about him a lot. Normally I would be going over the top to check in, to make sure we FaceTimed so he could hang with Harper daily, or to make sure he was happy and not missing us too much. This time I don't have to check in with anyone which is freeing but also super sad.

In Siesta Key, the best thing to do every night is watch the sunset. It is glorious and magical and even though I already have a million pictures of it I can't help but take a million more. When I finally decided to call it quits, put my phone down, and swim with Mom and Harper, I looked up and there was a cloud shaped like a lightening bolt. I ran out of the water (you can laugh, it wasn't pretty) and took some pictures and suddenly started crying. Because of a cloud. Because although many others have gotten hints of Brian, this was my first. It's at my favorite place ever, with my two best friends ever, and it just felt like he was the one checking in. Gah! So I cried. I cried while tons of people on the beach were taking in the gorgeous sunset and Mom was in the Gulf with Harper while she twirled in her tube. I have nothing wise or profound to say. It felt good to cry. I feel like I haven't done it enough lately. I love Brian and I miss him.

Entry 30: The Greatest Inheritance

Harper and I just returned from a trip to High Point, NC for the Jones Family Reunion.  This is the reunion Brian and I brought Harper to when she was 6 months old and again when she was one and half.  We didn't get to go to last year due to finding a new mass in Brian's brain and making new treatment plans.  This reunion is all Brian's dad's side of the family. Let me just tell you, they are loving, fun, and so welcoming.  Because of Brian, these people are now in our lives and I couldn't be more thankful.

As Brian's Uncle was preaching during his memorial this weekend, he spoke about how God continues to give. It makes me think of my life. Although someone incredible was taken from us, we have been given so much. We've been given this family that showers us with love. Cousins that make us feel right at home even when we pull up without Brian this time. A family that hugged us, cried with us, and shared milkshakes!

This is the inheritance we received from Brian.  As I look at my village and my closest friends, they are mostly from Brian. People who love us and continue to give to us. Time, prizes, love and hugs.  There is nothing greater to inherit in life and to know it's mine because of Brian. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful.

Some people are surprised by how well I am doing. Some people may even think I am not grieving enough.  Last week, as I sat on the deck of a restaurant with my gym people, live music was playing, the weather was gorgeous and there was a beautiful full moon. As I sat there, I had this overwhelming feeling that this is the life, life is great! I then felt immediately guilty. But it's true. That night as we drove home Harper said, "Mommy, remember how Daddy rubbed my head every night before bed?  Remember how much he loved me? Remember when he made us laugh?"  My life is good. I miss Brian all the time. I want him here. I want him to be making his family feel incredibly awkward at the reunion. I want him to laugh at the ridiculous things Harper says. I want him to hold my hand on the propeller plane when I am sure it is going to crash.  I want him to hug me and be proud. At the same time, I love this life. I've been given so much. I've inherited a community of love. I've been introduced to a new community, the DriV community that is just as loving and giving.  So when I told my counselor about the life is great guilt she shared this poem, "As I Sit in Heaven".

"So live your life, laugh again,
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me..."

So I will laugh for Brian. I will enjoy some of the new freedoms that come from being single. But I will do so to remember Brian always.

Entry 29: A Special Relationship

No! Not a relationship with a guy. Crazos! Unless you count Gaston.

I am talking about my relationship with Harper. I cannot tell you how many times in a week I look at her and think, 'Gosh my baby is so cool.' She's affectionate, way too smart, in tune to feelings, has a million best friends, and is just the right amount of sassy. 

To treat ourselves our one big splurge for the year was Disney annual passes. Harper loves Disney. Brian loved Disney.  I love Disney. Brian and I had annual passes when we were dating and would use it just to stop in for dinner.  So walking around the park there are always fun memories associated with all things Disney. Yesterday after church, Harper and I headed down to Disney just the two of us. I can't tell you how many times during the day I thought about how cool she was.  Loading the tram with a folded up stroller and an umbrella and water bottle in my hand, she stays with me. She makes a plan. She is happy over little things. She knows I mean it when I say, "If you touch the rope one more time, I promise we are getting out of this line."  She make choices between ice cream and a smoothie understanding she can't have both or beg for the other one later.  She loves me. She wants to please. She doesn't mind waiting in line. She actually HAD TO wait in line to see Minnie AGAIN because she forgot to show Minnie that she was wearing a Minnie Mouse on her dress.  She sang a "Whole New World" unprompted while riding the magic carpet ride.  She is just SO COOL!  So that's why as I sat across for her a dinner in the Starlight Cafe, with Sonny Eclipse making terrible jokes in the background, I had to choke back tears.  Harper and I are going to have an insanely special relationship but that relationship is there because of the one I am missing. I am not saying Harper wouldn't be as cool if Brian were still alive, I just mean that she and I are going to share this insane bond, not just because she's my daughter but because I am her only living parent. As I looked at her scarfing her mac and cheese I thought, Brian would've loved to see her dance with Mickey. He should be here.


My most favorite memory of Disney is of her sitting on his shoulders freaking out over seeing her favorites in the parade last October. He would agree with how cool Harper is and feel it even more. Sadly, in December, Harper was still in the discovering the boundaries phase and we were having to be strict. I just think about how much he would love to see her now. Now that she had matured and gets it. Now that she gives love so freely and so appropriately. Now that she isn't terrified of characters but runs to greet them. He would enjoy Disney just because he gets to watch her. The day was amazing. There was so much joy. That grief snuck in momentarily at the Starlight Cafe. I want Brian to be with us.  I also worry that this relationship with Harper will put too much pressure on her when she is all I have, but I guess I can worry about that later.

So I miss him. Not because I can't do this life without him (although that lady holding the door to the tram at 9:00PM so my tired baby could climb in while I carried the stroller was my hero), but because I wish we got to do it with him. He will always be with us. As Harper tried to stall at bed time she said, "Let's talk about Daddy." I tell you this child is a genius cause you can say no to one more song or to water, but there is no way I will ever say no to talking about Daddy. So as I ride the struggle bus this morning because we just had to see Cinderella and Elena before leaving which meant we got home super late, I checked my memories from this day. And what do you know, a message from Brian. And I didn't realize until getting ready to insert the picture, look at his last profile picture. That parade memory I was talking about from Disney. I love you too!

 

And if you need a laugh after this heartfelt blog, he 

also posted this not as sweet one when hacking 

my phone one day...