As Brian's Uncle was preaching during his memorial this weekend, he spoke about how God continues to give. It makes me think of my life. Although someone incredible was taken from us, we have been given so much. We've been given this family that showers us with love. Cousins that make us feel right at home even when we pull up without Brian this time. A family that hugged us, cried with us, and shared milkshakes!
This is the inheritance we received from Brian. As I look at my village and my closest friends, they are mostly from Brian. People who love us and continue to give to us. Time, prizes, love and hugs. There is nothing greater to inherit in life and to know it's mine because of Brian. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful.
Some people are surprised by how well I am doing. Some people may even think I am not grieving enough. Last week, as I sat on the deck of a restaurant with my gym people, live music was playing, the weather was gorgeous and there was a beautiful full moon. As I sat there, I had this overwhelming feeling that this is the life, life is great! I then felt immediately guilty. But it's true. That night as we drove home Harper said, "Mommy, remember how Daddy rubbed my head every night before bed? Remember how much he loved me? Remember when he made us laugh?" My life is good. I miss Brian all the time. I want him here. I want him to be making his family feel incredibly awkward at the reunion. I want him to laugh at the ridiculous things Harper says. I want him to hold my hand on the propeller plane when I am sure it is going to crash. I want him to hug me and be proud. At the same time, I love this life. I've been given so much. I've inherited a community of love. I've been introduced to a new community, the DriV community that is just as loving and giving. So when I told my counselor about the life is great guilt she shared this poem, "As I Sit in Heaven".
"So live your life, laugh again,
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You'll be taking one for me..."
So I will laugh for Brian. I will enjoy some of the new freedoms that come from being single. But I will do so to remember Brian always.
Getting on with your life is the most important gift you could ever give to Harper. Christ said that He had come so that we might have LIFE, and LIFE more abundantly (John 10:10). You gave all you could as you walked with Brian though the darkest of times. As a mother, Harper's needs will come first now.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that Sally and you are on similar roads. You have so much in common with a beloved husband gone and a child to raise. God has promised to never leave us or forsake us, and you are never alone as you walk with Him. (Hebrews 13 : 5)
In His love always, Bill & Jamie