Entry 18: The Hardest Thing Now

What is the hardest thing right now in my life, dealing with losing Brian?

You may guess it was when we had family pictures taken as a family of two. Nope that wasn't bad.  In fact I love them!!!  Jenn Guthrie Photography is amazing and everyone should use her!

 You may think it is when I see a picture on TimeHop of Harper riding his shoulders from a year ago or when she is sitting on his lap at chemo.  Still no. Those actually make me super happy to be able to share with Harper and for her to light up and with a baby voice say DaDa.

Welp then it has to be the Disney trip I took with his mom and Harper. Remembering all the silly things he did like turn his shirt inside out during the dark part of the People Mover or being able to wear the shirt that he and I bought together when we got annual passes.  We swore we'd wear them everytime we went. Well we got fat and happy so that didn't happen. But it finally did fit again.  This still is not the hardest thing.  (I actually LOVE the memories and talking about them)

The hardest thing for me right now is the unexplained funks that creep in unexpectedly. Monday, I wake up ready for the day in the morning.  Drop off goes well. I love my Mary.  I teach. I love my students so that part of my job is never a problem. I was super motivated during my planning time. Got to go chat with a former student who was feeling distressed. Love when I get to see him.  Then bam! It is 1:30 and I am immediately super grouchy.  I don't like it. I don't care if irritability is one of the grieving allowances. It's not for me. My biggest issue with it is that nothing specific triggers it. It's not like I hear a song or see a place on campus that brings back memories. It's not even when I am thinking about Brian.  It just creeps in and WON'T go away.  No matter the pep talk I give myself in my head or the lecture of how crazy I am being. It's not like anyone else can snap me out of it either. I don't know what causes them and this is frustrating.  If I knew the trigger that would be great cause then I would have control to avoid it or to see it coming.  Exercise normally does the trick but it is hard waiting until 4:15 for the cure.  I am super super thankful for that new part of my life. Physical anxiety has also started to show up randomly at night as I lie in bed too.  That's annoying but not as annoying as the funk.  So although my life is amazing. My days are filled with fun and happy times. The funk is real. It is not triggered by anything specific. And it is the hardest part right now.

[Disclaimer: Again, this blog is not intended to earn extra pity or ask those who love me to change their actions.  It is just another form of therapy for me. I love you all!!!]

Entry 17: Two Months

It is so mind blowing to me to think today is two months since Brian died.  It still feels unreal.  At night in bed, I look over at the canvas our amazing photographer sent to us and just think, "Wow, he is really not here anymore." Although I know it and feel it, it still is this weird, unreal feeling.  I get hit with random things at unexpected times.  For example, as I was teaching poetry today, an example I have used for the past three years caught me off guard.

While I slept, while I slept and the night grew colder
She would come to my room, stepping softly
And draw a blanket about my shoulder
While I slept.

While I slept, while I slept in the dark, still heat
She would come to my bedside, stepping coolly
And smooth the twisted, troubled sheet
While I slept.

Now she sleeps, sleeps under quiet rain
While nights grow warm or nights grow colder.
And I wake, and sleep, and wake again
While she sleeps.  

I know this isn't a husband and wife in the poem, but it was still a lot I could relate to.It was interesting to be able to relate to it more fully today, teach mood with real life stuff, and watch my students have empathy.

Anywho, you know I like a good list.  So here are two I put together to reflect on how I feel 2 months later.

Things I Miss or Don't Enjoy
1. Having a partner to do this amazing life with
2. Having to lock up the house at night (that is clearly a Daddy job)
3. Needing a babysitter...when Brian was alive we only used one when we went out of town for the most part
4. Not being able to call Brian or talk to him when Redskins make stupid moves (well at least I think they're stupid but Brian isn't here to confirm)
5. Wishing he had taught me the little things he only knew how to do like take the DANG cover off the drain in the shower in order to unclog it
6. Making Harper wake up every morning and seeing how she clearly misses the couch time she had when Daddy could drive her to school in the morning
7. Having to depend on people for ALL things
8. Wishing I had more of Brian's feelings written down...I know I am spoiled with his blogs but I want more!
9. Brian filling the dogs' water. Thank goodness Macy nudges the bowl so I hear when they are out.
10. I miss the medical people. They took care of us for so long and it is so weird that they aren't in our regular lives.
11. Living with my best friend and the person I wanted to do everything with.

Things I Love or Have Discovered about the "New" Life
1.  Dance parties with Harper while we cook dinner every night (thanks to the Rowe's for my Spotify and the Barnes for getting me hooked on Whole30)
2. Being more fit and eating healthy consistently
3. Harper remembering Daddy in little ways
4. TimeHop....seriously my new best friend....so thankful for the memories (Harper watched a 20 sec video of Daddy and her riding a ride at Busch Gardens. She watched it on repeat for 10 minutes. This may be why we are almost over on our data).
5. Seeing how others honor and remember Brian regularly

6. Harper crying and then saying....."I miss _________" [insert the name of a her friend, mostly Clinton or Tavin]  She realizes tears sometimes means we miss someone. Luckily she gets to see the people she misses often.
7. Realizing that I am not lonely until Harper goes to bed because she can have awesome conversations. She told me today I didn't pack her a water bottle then told me how she had to borrow a princess one. She may or may not have had her hands on her hips.
8. Realizing although it is hard and UNREAL, I will be okay
9. Knowing my village is bigger and better than ever
10. Appreciating a love that stinks this bad to lose while deepening my love for my baby

I say all this again not for sympathy, but to let you know where I am. If you were to ask me I would say I am doing well. I find happiness easily everyday. This doesn't make the pain of missing Brian less, but I am truly grateful for the life I get to live even if I am mourning a life that I lost.  Love to ALL of you!

Entry 16: Our First Adventure

I am sitting in bed after just getting home from an amazing adventure with Harper. The adventure was great for so many reasons.

1.  Ollie!

Uncle CeeCee and Aunt The Meaghan got a dog! It is the cutest thing ever. While training the puppy not to bite, Harper was not happy with how we spoke to him. She constantly told us to say, "Please don't bite."  At one point she even suggested we say, "Minnie Mouse, Minnie Mouse". You never know. It may work with the tiny bear cub that my brother and Meaghan now own.  Seriously though, the dog was the cutest thing!  He zoomed through snow and loved all the prizes we brought him, including a handsome Easter bow tie. 



2.  My good girl. Although the idea of an adventure with just the two of us is sad, it was also incredible. I learned so much about Harper.  After my rough parenting night the Friday before we left, this trip just showed me what a good girl Harper is and how solid our relationship is.  She is polite, a good listener and a rule follower (for the most part).  We reviewed the rules for on the plane. One, you can't get up.  She
added that Lucy for Despicable Me 2 was naughty cause she got up and flew out.  Two, you have to be quiet.  Three, you can't kick the seat in front of you.  Harper knew the rules and was quick to point out when the little girl in front of us was not following them.  Harper may have said SHHHHH rather loudly several times. (Ooops but also ha ha funny)  Although at times she isn't always the friendliest and needs warm up time, she adapted to change. She went to bed without an issue even though it was in a big girl bed.  When I would come to bed hours after she was asleep, I would tell her I loved her. She would sweetly whisper it back and move over to make room for me.  She followed and helped push the suitcase when my hands were too full carrying a carseat, a 50 pound suitcase, and a backpack and purse through the airport, onto the shuttle and back to the car. She stayed right with me. Of course, she complained about the cold and needed to be carried uphill several times while in Boston.  But overall. she was a fantastic travel companion. She is a good listener and follows rules.

3. The experiences. We had so many fun experiences. This was her second time flying but she didn't remember the first time. She fell asleep on our flight there so didn't act so great when she saw her beautiful welcome.  However, once she got to the house she got a second wind.  We took her on the T for the first time. She saw a real snowstorm for the first time.  She got to see seals eat ice and trainers try to feed penguins.  She got to advocate for the "hungry" chinchillas everyday, who probably ate more raisins in three days that they have in the last month.  She got to sprint around a children's museum and climb rope ladders and launch golf balls.  She watched He-Man.  She made a snowman. We had a snow picnic where we literally ate snow with a spoon out of a bowl (we may have started something new at my brother's house that will continue the next snowstorm). We met the awesome people at CeeCee's work and made an art gallery for behind his desk.  Harper rode in an Uber with a man with a lightning bolt shirt who barely spoke English.  She may have also told him to shhh as well. We will work on that new rule.

 

4. Daddy. Harper brought up Daddy all on her own.  She asked my me if Daddy saw Uncle CeeCee and Aunt The Meaghan.  So we got to talk about him some more with her.  She asked me if Daddy was ever on a plane.  I told her how often Daddy and I flew to NYC.   She talked about what part of the vacation she thought Daddy would love most.  She wore the Beastie Boys shirt he got her on the way home and she danced like a crazo (similar to how Brian would dance) in the airport randomly when we got back to Jacksonville. I wore Daddy's favorite Love Your Melon hat.


5. Nothing to do.  There was no to-do list hanging over my head. This vacation was actually RELAXING.  We had nothing that had to be done. Even if I had stayed home, it is hard for me to truly relax for days on end because I feel there is always something I NEED to do or I feel guilty for not being productive. At Stephen and Meaghan's it was so laid back.  I actually relaxed for the first time in a really long time. I even got to take a nap! I got to cook while they entertained Harper. Someone else was making the plans/schedule.  I even got to sneak in a workout which was a mini-adventure for me.

6. Family time.  It was nice to just be with Uncle CeeCee and Aunt the Meaghan. I didn't feel sad once. I was with family and that was fun. It was fun to talk about the puppy and just be. We watched TV and they even suffered through the season finale of the Bachelor for me. (Stephen couldn't stop moving which would make the antenna go out at very crucial times!)  We ate family dinners and I cooked for more than just one person.  My "broke-didas" otherwise known as cheese quesadillas made my brother very happy. He is easy to please.  We all made memories together.

7. Tori.  This trip wouldn't have been possible without Tori. She stayed with my puppies so we could adventure without worry. Also we would have been in trouble because the doggy daycare was totally booked. Not only does she love on our dogs, she did our laundry!!! Seriously, she is amazing!

On the way home we listened to songs that remind us of Daddy. There may have been a few tears.  It is sad Brian isn't here for these adventures, but it is also awesome to know that as a duo, Harper and I are solid.  We will always love and miss Daddy, but we can do new things and make more memories. It was nice that our adventure wasn't clouded with sadness. I am so thankful for the memories we have with Brian to build on. I am also thankful for an incredible Boston Adventure and more days left in Spring Break.

P.S. Did I mention OLLIE?!?!

Entry 15: I Miss My Partner

I love being a mom. It is something I have looked forward to for a very long time. But being a mom is tough!  I have insane Mom guilt. Like a ton of it.  As I have said before, working out has really helped me cope. I feel accomplished. I like the community of people I am surrounded by.  I like the feeling afterwards.  However, it is hard to feel totally good and here is why.
Imagine this:

I pick up Harper from school and we run a few errands before I bring her to the gym to play with the other kids while I try to workout.  She isn't super excited about the plan to go to the gym but we keep talking about it. She gets a smoothie...maybe as a bribe.  We get prizes for a baby shower. Then we go to Michael's.  Mommy makes the mistake of walking by the Calico Critters. I let Harper browse but remind her that we had gotten Barbies yesterday to take on our upcoming trip to Boston. I tell her it is time to leave the aisle.  My beautiful, smart baby then says, "I don't care!"  Welp you can imagine how much I loved that. So I scoop her up as she cries, loudly, and get the item I needed.  She continues to cry as we waited in line. She continues to cry as the kind lady in front of us tells her she had beautiful eyes but then asks me how old she is. She continues to cry loudly as the cashier asks how old she is and compares her to her nephews.  She continues to cry as we walk to the car.  (Now you may say...Karen you should NOT have guilt over no buying her a ridiculously priced fuzzy figurine.  Don't you worry. The guilt comes with my reaction.) In the car I sternly turn to her and say "ENOUGH!"  Now imagine, me crying while Harper continues to cry even louder.  We make it to the gym where we hug it out on the couch in the kids area. I try to get her settled so I can go to the 4:15 class. She doesn't want to get off of me. She isn't excited to see her friends. She is pterodactyl-ing anyone who talks to her.  And now is when I really cry. So I sit in the kids room, on the couch, crying. And I cannot stop. I just want to work out and clearly that isn't working out with Harper.

Although in the grand scheme of things this situation is minor, it bothers me for several reasons. One, I don't want to be the mom who reacts and yells enough.  Two, this situation just highlights my "aloneness". Not because there weren't great friends letting me cry on the kids couch. Or a great friend that reminded me to offer her choices. Or an awesome teenager who played musical chairs with Harper and friends while I worked out.  This situation just highlights to me that I am alone in this parenting gig.  I don't have the option of having "me" time without having to use others or make Harper second. Although I am making exercise a priority I want Harper's needs to be at the top.  It is a really hard balance.  There have been several mornings this week where Harper needed extra cuddles or reassurance, and we were under a time crunch. Do I wake her up earlier so we have more time in the mornings before we head out the door or will that lead to more meltdowns from being tired in the evening? It stinks having to force my timetable on her. That became very clear this week. She need more time, more comfort. Here's that time word again.  I needed the time to give it to her.

So although I did get to work out, I left feeling guilty.  Harper had totally recovered. As I buckled her into the carseat I said, "Do we say no to mommy? Is it kind to say I don't care?"  She answers no like my sweet little girl.  Then I told her I was sorry for yelling. Do you know her response?  Thank you. Followed by, can I have a snack?

This all makes me miss my partner. I miss my person who made life easier just by being by my side. I miss Brian.  I miss his Dad skills. I miss talking football with him. (Seriously?! What the heck are the Redskins doing?!)  I miss him reassuring me after I did a parenting move I wasn't proud of.  I miss him helping me balance out the time and priority of Harper.  I miss Brian.

Now let's end with some happy.  Although these little minor things of life have me feeling guilty and have me missing Brian, I know I am an incredibly independent person who can handle a lot.  I get to take our sweet girl on a vacation to visit her Uncle Cee and Aunt the Meaghan in Boston tomorrow. I have no fears about flying alone and doing this trip just to two of us. We are really looking forward to it and I am excited for the time to adventure together. 

Also, if you didn't see on my Facebook, Brian's friend from high school's mom reached out to us and wanted to make memory bears. I sent her the pair of khakis Brian wore every day to work without washing and some special shirts that reminded me of some great memories. Mrs. Andrews made us beautiful bears. They have lightning bolts, love, and a special photo album of the whole process. Harper and I couldn't love them more.

Entry 14: I have lost a part of myself.

Today I had my second appointment with my grief counselor. Other than my crappy mood for last week I didn't know what we would talk about. In the past I would always schedule counseling for a very specific need and have a goal in mind for when I went. Today I have no goal, no clear need. God said, HA!  And here is what I got and what I needed. My counselor read the following aloud to me as a cried at the end of the session:

 From A Time to Grieve

All changes...have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we enter another.

"We lose part of ourselves when our loved one dies.  Now we must make our way from the life we were familiar with to the life that forms a question mark.  And we cannot fully enter our changed life until we have let go of the previous life with our loved one."

At this point I am like..say what? I am NEVER letting go of that life. Forget it. I'll never let go Jack.

She continued:
" Letting go does not mean no longer loving.  It does not mean that we don't recall and care and yearn and cry.  It means that we acknowledge that our life now has another added dimension. Incorporated into our present life are the most wonderful parts of the life we lived when our loved one was with us on earth.  We can go forward only by acknowledging that we are not simply leaving behind part of ourselves, we are carrying into the future a new part of ourselves that represents the bond we shared with our loved one.  We let go of one segment of our life to create and perpetuate another."

GAH! This hit me. Like a ton of bricks.  I don't want to let go.  I do feel like I lost a huge part of myself. Brian was my detail rememberer. My person who taught me the insane details of songs and sports players.  Brian was the most wonderful part of the life I lived with my loved one.This future new part that I am carrying forward is tough! I like the old life. I liked when my baby didn't wake up distressed in the wee hours of the morning.  I liked having someone who made me feel special and gave the strongest hugs. I liked him just being in the room while I did whatever was on my to do list. Don't get me wrong there are a few "freedoms" as the counselor called them. I clean and it stays that way a little longer. I run the planning decisions by myself and myself alone and decide if it is a good plan or not. I get to work out without guilt of time spent away from someone who may not have a ton of time left.  However these few freedoms are NOTHING in comparison to having Brian here to do life with.  I'd give up everything for that of course.  

The book goes on to say:

"It is necessary for me to give up and let go of life as I lived it with my loved one. Even though I wish it were not so, that life has been lived out.  I now carry forward with me all that was wonderful, positive, loving, and strong from that relationship.  I take it with me everywhere I go.  I entered into my changed life, bringing all the most laudable, hopeful, good, and rewarding parts of the past into the future."

 I think we all could agree even Brian that Harper was one of the most wonderful parts of the life I lived with my loved one.  In Brian's own words from his blog, "When Harper was born, I was overwhelmed. Not sure I can explain each feeling that was present at that time, but I remember holding her, looking at Karen and feeling the excitement of going to get the rest of the family to come in and meet her. Seeing their reactions was something I was really looking forward to."  He goes on to say, "I guess what I am saying is that relationships with those who have passed are still relationships."  So as I struggle to even begin to enter this changed life, I will bring with my the most rewarding part of both of us, Harper. I will cling to the good and remind myself of the wonderful parts of life lived with Brian as my partner. I can't say how long it will take me to let go of the old. Probably FOREVER because I really don't want to.  So with my bird/tree tattoo and lightning bolt as permanent reminders of what I am carrying into my future and Harper by my side, we take teeny tiny baby steps toward that changed life even though I wish it were not so.