Entry 69: Doors Opening

Continuing with my mom's theory that my life never stays calm I have exciting news. Friday morning I signed my new contract. I am now going to be the Assistant Principal of the Deaf Middle School where I have worked as a teacher for the past 11 years.

Let's rewind. In May when driving back to work from a counseling appointment, my boss asked to speak with me. I thought I was in trouble. Ha! She said they needed someone to fill in temporarily in the role of Assistant Principal for the last month of school and asked me to do it. For like a split second, I was tempted to say no because I was starting my online teaching job with UNF and felt
overwhelmed, but of course in true Karen fashion, I said yes. I started my first meeting with my peers saying, this is just temporary. I don't want this job permanently. I am not ready to leave the classroom. Welp! Turns out I was wrong. I have loved leading such a strong group of teachers. I have loved interacting with even more students. I have love seeing my circle of influence grow. So when the position was posted, I applied. It felt like a door was opened right in my face and I had no choice but to run through it excitedly even if it meant not getting it and continuing my teaching job that I love.

This blog is supposed to focus on grief and life after Brian so what does this have to do with it?  Well when big things like this happen, I just want to know what Brian is thinking! Would he think this is crazy? Would he love it? Would he make jokes about how now I can never win Teacher of the Year? I just want to know what he would say!!! Just like a life without Brian was never what I expected, a life not being a teacher is a weird feeling too! I am super excited and cannot wait to see what this new position adds to my life but it is also a weird new identity. Widow, Professor, Single Mom, Assistant Principal all within 2.5 years. EEK! But here I go, approaching it with joy!

Entry 68: Things End

Things end. And even when things are supposed to end, it’s still hard when it does. My relationship has come to an end. Not for any bad reasons. It just didn’t work. I know breaking up is the risk of dating again, but gosh does it open up grief and just make me miss the hell out of Brian. If he was here I wouldn’t have to do this. Instead I’d be fighting him because I told him how to drive for the billionth time or arguing about who gets to take Harps to school.

Even before any of this break up garbage, life has felt so abnormal lately and I just want normal. I can’t even define what that is. But I want to crawl into a blanket of normal and wrap up in it and let it comfort me. It’s so hard when seeking this comfort of normal and it’s nowhere to be found and you don’t even know where to begin to look.

Everyone talks about finding the new normal after a loss and if I’m honest I feel like normal is a fleeting concept. There have been stages in the past almost two and a half years where things get normal for a period of time, but these periods have never lasted. That’s hard for a control freak like me. 

But even though I can’t find normal and what I wouldn’t give to have Brian give me a wonderful thunder jacket hug, I choose thankful. Gosh how unbelievably thankful am I for the relationships that remain in my life. People who have loved on me and fulfilled every promise made to Brian about loving his girls. I’m thankful for my mom and dad being here, constantly present, constantly available physically and emotionally. I’m thankful for living in a small town and making amazing connections with people that my daughter would literally go pack a bag and move in with other families if I said yes. I’m thankful that Harps and I have our big trip to visit Grandma in England on the horizon to look forward to. I’m thankful that I couldn’t participate in national best friend day on social media because I have too many people that I consider my besties. Most of all I’m thankful that I have the chance to live this beautiful, far from normal life. And I get to do this with my people and my amazing little girl.