To treat ourselves our one big splurge for the year was Disney annual passes. Harper loves Disney. Brian loved Disney. I love Disney. Brian and I had annual passes when we were dating and would use it just to stop in for dinner. So walking around the park there are always fun memories associated with all things Disney. Yesterday after church, Harper and I headed down to Disney just the two of us. I can't tell you how many times during the day I thought about how cool she was. Loading the tram with a folded up stroller and an umbrella and water bottle in my hand, she stays with me. She makes a plan. She is happy over little things. She knows I mean it when I say, "If you touch the rope one more time, I promise we are getting out of this line." She make choices between ice cream and a smoothie understanding she can't have both or beg for the other one later. She loves me. She wants to please. She doesn't mind waiting in line. She actually HAD TO wait in line to see Minnie AGAIN because she forgot to show Minnie that she was wearing a Minnie Mouse on her dress. She sang a "Whole New World" unprompted while riding the magic carpet ride. She is just SO COOL! So that's why as I sat across for her a dinner in the Starlight Cafe, with Sonny Eclipse making terrible jokes in the background, I had to choke back tears. Harper and I are going to have an insanely special relationship but that relationship is there because of the one I am missing. I am not saying Harper wouldn't be as cool if Brian were still alive, I just mean that she and I are going to share this insane bond, not just because she's my daughter but because I am her only living parent. As I looked at her scarfing her mac and cheese I thought, Brian would've loved to see her dance with Mickey. He should be here.
My most favorite memory of Disney is of her sitting on his shoulders freaking out over seeing her favorites in the parade last October. He would agree with how cool Harper is and feel it even more. Sadly, in December, Harper was still in the discovering the boundaries phase and we were having to be strict. I just think about how much he would love to see her now. Now that she had matured and gets it. Now that she gives love so freely and so appropriately. Now that she isn't terrified of characters but runs to greet them. He would enjoy Disney just because he gets to watch her. The day was amazing. There was so much joy. That grief snuck in momentarily at the Starlight Cafe. I want Brian to be with us. I also worry that this relationship with Harper will put too much pressure on her when she is all I have, but I guess I can worry about that later.
So I miss him. Not because I can't do this life without him (although that lady holding the door to the tram at 9:00PM so my tired baby could climb in while I carried the stroller was my hero), but because I wish we got to do it with him. He will always be with us. As Harper tried to stall at bed time she said, "Let's talk about Daddy." I tell you this child is a genius cause you can say no to one more song or to water, but there is no way I will ever say no to talking about Daddy. So as I ride the struggle bus this morning because we just had to see Cinderella and Elena before leaving which meant we got home super late, I checked my memories from this day. And what do you know, a message from Brian. And I didn't realize until getting ready to insert the picture, look at his last profile picture. That parade memory I was talking about from Disney. I love you too!
And if you need a laugh after this heartfelt blog, he
also posted this not as sweet one when hacking
my phone one day...
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