Entry 14: I have lost a part of myself.

Today I had my second appointment with my grief counselor. Other than my crappy mood for last week I didn't know what we would talk about. In the past I would always schedule counseling for a very specific need and have a goal in mind for when I went. Today I have no goal, no clear need. God said, HA!  And here is what I got and what I needed. My counselor read the following aloud to me as a cried at the end of the session:

 From A Time to Grieve

All changes...have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we enter another.

"We lose part of ourselves when our loved one dies.  Now we must make our way from the life we were familiar with to the life that forms a question mark.  And we cannot fully enter our changed life until we have let go of the previous life with our loved one."

At this point I am like..say what? I am NEVER letting go of that life. Forget it. I'll never let go Jack.

She continued:
" Letting go does not mean no longer loving.  It does not mean that we don't recall and care and yearn and cry.  It means that we acknowledge that our life now has another added dimension. Incorporated into our present life are the most wonderful parts of the life we lived when our loved one was with us on earth.  We can go forward only by acknowledging that we are not simply leaving behind part of ourselves, we are carrying into the future a new part of ourselves that represents the bond we shared with our loved one.  We let go of one segment of our life to create and perpetuate another."

GAH! This hit me. Like a ton of bricks.  I don't want to let go.  I do feel like I lost a huge part of myself. Brian was my detail rememberer. My person who taught me the insane details of songs and sports players.  Brian was the most wonderful part of the life I lived with my loved one.This future new part that I am carrying forward is tough! I like the old life. I liked when my baby didn't wake up distressed in the wee hours of the morning.  I liked having someone who made me feel special and gave the strongest hugs. I liked him just being in the room while I did whatever was on my to do list. Don't get me wrong there are a few "freedoms" as the counselor called them. I clean and it stays that way a little longer. I run the planning decisions by myself and myself alone and decide if it is a good plan or not. I get to work out without guilt of time spent away from someone who may not have a ton of time left.  However these few freedoms are NOTHING in comparison to having Brian here to do life with.  I'd give up everything for that of course.  

The book goes on to say:

"It is necessary for me to give up and let go of life as I lived it with my loved one. Even though I wish it were not so, that life has been lived out.  I now carry forward with me all that was wonderful, positive, loving, and strong from that relationship.  I take it with me everywhere I go.  I entered into my changed life, bringing all the most laudable, hopeful, good, and rewarding parts of the past into the future."

 I think we all could agree even Brian that Harper was one of the most wonderful parts of the life I lived with my loved one.  In Brian's own words from his blog, "When Harper was born, I was overwhelmed. Not sure I can explain each feeling that was present at that time, but I remember holding her, looking at Karen and feeling the excitement of going to get the rest of the family to come in and meet her. Seeing their reactions was something I was really looking forward to."  He goes on to say, "I guess what I am saying is that relationships with those who have passed are still relationships."  So as I struggle to even begin to enter this changed life, I will bring with my the most rewarding part of both of us, Harper. I will cling to the good and remind myself of the wonderful parts of life lived with Brian as my partner. I can't say how long it will take me to let go of the old. Probably FOREVER because I really don't want to.  So with my bird/tree tattoo and lightning bolt as permanent reminders of what I am carrying into my future and Harper by my side, we take teeny tiny baby steps toward that changed life even though I wish it were not so.