Entry 15: I Miss My Partner

I love being a mom. It is something I have looked forward to for a very long time. But being a mom is tough!  I have insane Mom guilt. Like a ton of it.  As I have said before, working out has really helped me cope. I feel accomplished. I like the community of people I am surrounded by.  I like the feeling afterwards.  However, it is hard to feel totally good and here is why.
Imagine this:

I pick up Harper from school and we run a few errands before I bring her to the gym to play with the other kids while I try to workout.  She isn't super excited about the plan to go to the gym but we keep talking about it. She gets a smoothie...maybe as a bribe.  We get prizes for a baby shower. Then we go to Michael's.  Mommy makes the mistake of walking by the Calico Critters. I let Harper browse but remind her that we had gotten Barbies yesterday to take on our upcoming trip to Boston. I tell her it is time to leave the aisle.  My beautiful, smart baby then says, "I don't care!"  Welp you can imagine how much I loved that. So I scoop her up as she cries, loudly, and get the item I needed.  She continues to cry as we waited in line. She continues to cry as the kind lady in front of us tells her she had beautiful eyes but then asks me how old she is. She continues to cry loudly as the cashier asks how old she is and compares her to her nephews.  She continues to cry as we walk to the car.  (Now you may say...Karen you should NOT have guilt over no buying her a ridiculously priced fuzzy figurine.  Don't you worry. The guilt comes with my reaction.) In the car I sternly turn to her and say "ENOUGH!"  Now imagine, me crying while Harper continues to cry even louder.  We make it to the gym where we hug it out on the couch in the kids area. I try to get her settled so I can go to the 4:15 class. She doesn't want to get off of me. She isn't excited to see her friends. She is pterodactyl-ing anyone who talks to her.  And now is when I really cry. So I sit in the kids room, on the couch, crying. And I cannot stop. I just want to work out and clearly that isn't working out with Harper.

Although in the grand scheme of things this situation is minor, it bothers me for several reasons. One, I don't want to be the mom who reacts and yells enough.  Two, this situation just highlights my "aloneness". Not because there weren't great friends letting me cry on the kids couch. Or a great friend that reminded me to offer her choices. Or an awesome teenager who played musical chairs with Harper and friends while I worked out.  This situation just highlights to me that I am alone in this parenting gig.  I don't have the option of having "me" time without having to use others or make Harper second. Although I am making exercise a priority I want Harper's needs to be at the top.  It is a really hard balance.  There have been several mornings this week where Harper needed extra cuddles or reassurance, and we were under a time crunch. Do I wake her up earlier so we have more time in the mornings before we head out the door or will that lead to more meltdowns from being tired in the evening? It stinks having to force my timetable on her. That became very clear this week. She need more time, more comfort. Here's that time word again.  I needed the time to give it to her.

So although I did get to work out, I left feeling guilty.  Harper had totally recovered. As I buckled her into the carseat I said, "Do we say no to mommy? Is it kind to say I don't care?"  She answers no like my sweet little girl.  Then I told her I was sorry for yelling. Do you know her response?  Thank you. Followed by, can I have a snack?

This all makes me miss my partner. I miss my person who made life easier just by being by my side. I miss Brian.  I miss his Dad skills. I miss talking football with him. (Seriously?! What the heck are the Redskins doing?!)  I miss him reassuring me after I did a parenting move I wasn't proud of.  I miss him helping me balance out the time and priority of Harper.  I miss Brian.

Now let's end with some happy.  Although these little minor things of life have me feeling guilty and have me missing Brian, I know I am an incredibly independent person who can handle a lot.  I get to take our sweet girl on a vacation to visit her Uncle Cee and Aunt the Meaghan in Boston tomorrow. I have no fears about flying alone and doing this trip just to two of us. We are really looking forward to it and I am excited for the time to adventure together. 

Also, if you didn't see on my Facebook, Brian's friend from high school's mom reached out to us and wanted to make memory bears. I sent her the pair of khakis Brian wore every day to work without washing and some special shirts that reminded me of some great memories. Mrs. Andrews made us beautiful bears. They have lightning bolts, love, and a special photo album of the whole process. Harper and I couldn't love them more.