After being a complete emotional mess last week, I had a busy, friend-filled weekend with only one breakdown. Those involved saw it coming from a mile away and I have apologized. They love me no matter what. So I am lucky. I learned that apparently someone who loves to be around people all the time like I do, does actually need a few moments at home to regroup.
That being said all weekend I found myself wishing for more time. I want more time with Brian. I want him to be there to make the jokes that were left waiting to be said. I want him there to enjoy the tiny, silly things Harper does. I want him there to hug me when I am feelings too emotional. I want him there to make even simple decisions with me or even for me.
I want more time to reflect and remember all the tiny details of him, of us, of his relationship with Harper. I am so so afraid the clarity of these memories will slip away.
I want more time to play with Harper. To actually disconnect, ignore my needs to be done list and just play.
I want more time to hang out with all the people I love. I want time to just sit and relax with them, love on their families, and just be.
I want more time to do the things that need to be done. I want time to pack stupid lunch (my least favorite Mom job).
Time holds such a different meaning to me these days and my priorities have shifted. I truly value the time people invest in my family. I am grateful for time with friends who sit and laugh way too hard at SnapChat with you on a Friday night. Who go and get your gas for the grill when is runs out as the steaks go on the grill. I am thankful for the time that Brian's physical therapist gave me toby responding to a text about Harper's neck and taking the time to check in a few days later as well. I am grateful for the time with the friends who truly make you feel like family. Who fill your car with amazing kids so you can sing along to Disney songs and laugh at Harper's adorable karaoke skills then get you some sweet shrimp beads from the Mardi Gras parade. I am thankful for time with friends who let you take over their kitchen to make mediocre food and who help you on your elusive bacon hunt even if your mood leaves a lot to be desired. I am thankful for time with sorority sisters-- even though the time between the last real hang out was more than 8 years ago-- that make you feel welcomed and comfortable immediately. I am thankful for the time in church when a very active 3 year old took a nap on her Momma's chest. I am thankful for the time Harper and I spent with Grandma resting Harper's neck and doing some lesson plan making during a busy weekend. I am thankful that God takes time to listen to my needs.
After this weekend, I clearly needed more time. Time at home, time to check the mail, time to fold laundry or organize something. Although it took my poor baby being miserable with a hurt neck. I was given the gift of a little extra time this weekend when out of necessity I took Monday morning off to be with Harper and take her to the doctor. These few hours in the morning were exactly what I needed to feel refreshed and ready for the week.
I am thankful for time with my Mom this week. Not only do I get time with her, I get guilt-free time to spend a little longer at the gym. I get an extra 20 minutes in the morning because she drives Harper to school. She gives the gift of time to the people who have been so busy helping me. I get time to play or talk on the phone or time to type a blog.
I appreciate when my pastor takes his time to call me and make me laugh on a Tuesday night.
I am thankful for friends who help me shave Fletcher because that was a "Brian job" and I was just making up how to do it. I swear Fletcher loves his new look! He is a trendsetter.
Although this time without Brian is sad and bittersweet and at times just so gut-wrenching. I am so so so so so so so so so thankful that I got time with him. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with even though that life was shorter than we had planned on. This time can never be taken and is what makes time without him so emotional. I am so thankful for the kind of love we had. I am blessed to have this time now to appreciate the important things and reprioritize. I get to take the time to tell Harper how awesome her Daddy is and make sure she holds tight to those memories. I get to use my time to give back and tell people just how thankful I am. By the way....I got an amazing gift this week that will be impactful for a long long time. For that I couldn't be more appreciative. We all have time. I am happy to have a better understanding of how to spend mine.
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