I am a planner. I like to plan everything. My day, a mermaid party, lessons for my classroom. I am such a planner that Harper now says, "Mommy, here's the plan." Whoops! So looking at my life, falling in love with a best friend....not in the plan. Becoming a widow (that word. UGH!) at 33...definitely not in the plan. Single mom....never ever a part of the plan. Cancer taught me a lot about letting go of the plan. Don't get me wrong I still plan my week, my meals, as much as I possibly can. But I learned to let go..well at least a little.
Yesterday the plan was the drop Harper at school, swing by the post office to mail two things, drop off a plate at the DMV and head to lunch with a friend. Dropped off at school...check. Got to the DMV. Forgot the post office. One of my packages was a shirt Brian had made. After his doctor went on vacation to London, Brian had a shirt made that said, "Dr. Bubis went to London and all he got me was this lousy shirt." He of course wore it into the office. I thought it would bring a smile so I thought I would send it. Since I missed the post office and needed to pick up a form anyways I went away from the plan and stopped by the office. I had anxiety riding in the elevator. Of course I shouldn't have. I got the warmest welcome. The best hugs from everyone, and questions from people who totally care. I am so thankful for them and in a weird way will miss them all. I am happy that I skipped a step of the plan and added this stop into my day. Although Cancer Specialists of North Florida won't be in my plans anymore, I am so happy I was there. It was good for my heart.
Also, when I was struggling with anxiety last night and it's 1:30 and I was still awake, it was not in the plan for Harper to wake up. On the monitor I hear her calling my name and look up to see her standing up. This is not like her. So I go in. She reaches up and says, "Your bed." Now my plan was to not let Harper sleep in my bed because she needs routines, consistency and honestly I need to watch trash TV. But since I was awake and wanting someone to hold, off to my bed she went. Again...two times in one day I am totally abandoning the plan!?!?! However, when she turned over, rested her cheek on my face then wrapped both arms around my neck to sleep...WORTH IT. Screw the plan!!! This is exactly what I needed to calm the anxiety and get to sleep.
Knowing cancer changed my plans again doesn't make me mad. But dangit! Every day is harder than the one before it. How am I doing? Honestly I say I am okay. But everything is bittersweet. Great trip to Disney...yay! Brian not being there...tears. Disney treating us with insane care and generosity..awesome but I wish they didn't have a reason to. Dancing with Harper all over the living room while she wears a Cinderella dress (obviously) and we blare music loud enough for neighbors to hear....the smile on her face warms my heart as it breaks a little more. Things I typically enjoyed just aren't as enjoyable even if they are things that didn't have Brian involved. I am functioning, and thanks to amazing friends (Thanks Cat!) I was able to go back to CrossFit today which did my body and mind so much good. So I am okay. I am sad. I am in love with the child we made together. I am constantly supported. And I am continuing to plan but being more and more okay when the plans change.
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