I say all this so that you will praise me! I am KIDDING..I can't believe everyone keeps praising me for my crazy thoughts. In all seriousness, I tell you this to show you that NONE of this would be possible without my village.
So, Brian drove Harper to school everyday because it doesn't open until 8 and I start teaching at 8. What was I going to do now when I return to work? I didn't want to change Harper's life anymore than necessary. I didn't want to rip her from her safety net of school. The one constant she has had since she was 13 months old. We love her little school and the people in it. The loyalty I feel is intense. Don't worry. MARY to the RESCUE!! One of Harper's teachers from her one-year-old room and now our best friend has offered to take Harps to school everyday. EVERYDAY! Did I mention that Mary only has to be at work 3 days a week at 8ish, but is still willing to drive Harper daily. Not only does she chauffeur Harps, she spoils her and loves on her and makes her life better simply by being in it. Simply incredible.
Second, the gym. It brings me insane happiness and control. It doesn't matter if I thought squatting 70 pounds was awesome than the person next to me does 135. The good thing is I never know how much the bar weighs with all the weights on...shoot I cannot even add up my own bar....and secondly it don't matter cause I still feel like a badass even if I modify everything. First of all, I was gifted two free months thanks to some pretty amazing people! But just imagine trying to take a 3 year old who LOVES the word Mommy to the gym while you are trying to do some crazy workout. A child that said Mommy roughly 6,000 times in an hour period when I tried taking her with me on Tuesday. This may be fine if you were working out with a close group of friends. But I did not like feeling we were interrupting other people's happy place. So how was I able to work out so much this week? Did I torture the other gym goers? NO! Don't you worry. My friend Tori picked Harper up from school so I could work out at 4:15 after work, and then she could go to the 5:30 class and we could do pass off at the gym. Did I mention how much the gym does for my emotions and stability?!?! This sanity was made possible by my village. One more example....I was driving to go workout this morning. Harper had a backpack of toys, a cooler of snacks, and a bribe for a Panera muffie if she only said Mommy one time during the workout because surely Saturday there would be other kids to play with. I drive into the parking lot and wave to Katie as she is leaving from the morning class. She rolls down her window and magically I am driving her car to park and she is taking mine, with my muffie-needing love to Panera and her house! I mean seriously?!?! '
Third, my classroom. I went back to work this week. It is weird to do something as normal as working. Students flooded me with love. Students I haven't even taught yet wrote me beautiful notes and kind words. My students were happy to have me back. However, thanks to Kathy Pyle, my reading specialist, my class functioned while I was gone. Whether it was lesson planning, taking papers home to grade, or making sure my students didn't take advantage of the sub, she did it all. She even had all my copies made for the day I returned so that I could walk in and teach without prepping a thing. A true blessing! And an amazing member of the village.
In my village there is literally someone for everything. I need financial advice... there is someone's brother-in-law and someone's close friend who all know how to connect me with the right people. I am starting Whole 30 and cannot find the one and only type of bacon that is allowed. There is a Suzy to the rescue with bacon and emergency bars to get me through the week, along with some great dish washing to help me from being overwhelmed and quitting before I even start. Some people don't even realize they're helping! I forgot to prep one meal. This is bad when you are on a strict meal plan. But then there is your friend Rachel who you remember posted a taco seasoning recipe on your Facebook and VOILA! you have chicken fajitas in no time.
In my village there are church staff, including the pastor, who check in regularly not because they have to but because they truly care. There is someone connected to a band who has the band call you out and sing you a special song because you are out for the first time in a long time at their concert. There is a mother-in-law who willingly babysits so you can go to the show. There is someone who brings you Panera and just hangs and chats while you do your daily chores. There is someone who leaves a chair on your porch for your daughter just cause he passed it and thought she needed it. There is a brother and sister-in-law who send you gorgeous flowers because of the tough transition/return to work. There is someone who knows someone who works at the Social Security office so you can go knowing you are in good hands. There is someone who takes you on kayaking adventure through the mangroves on trails with no end. There are your best friends who allow you to spend every Saturday at their house and just be your true and total self. There is framily who spend Valentine's day with you and help turn the gas on for the grill and finish cooking the burgers because grilling was a Brian job. There is a donor who gives generously multiple times even though you don't really know each other. There are parents who would pack a bag and hit the road in record time the second you asked. There is a former friend from your college days who works for a non-profit telling you to fill out an application for an all expense paid trip for families impacted by cancer. There is a Hospice provided grief counselor who makes you feel validated for how you are handling it all.
One more thing that really needs to be mentioned. Brian always surprised me when we were dating and married. Then when Harper was born he would surprise us both. I need to mention that the tiniest "prize" brings me great happiness. You can blame my family's trips to minor league baseball games where the give-aways were our big excitement or our family's excitement over cereal box treasures growing up. Whatever the reason, I loved Brian's prizes. Brian would never wait for the big holiday or the expected time for these prizes. If he saw something he thought we would love or needed he would bring it home. He would always present the gifts in the craziest ways too. He would show up with Toy Story figures because your friend's kid had them when we saw them on vacation in NC. But Harper's are even more special because Daddy gets out a marker and writes Harper's initials on the feet just like Andy did on the movie. There was a time I wasn't allowed in the garage for over a week because he was painting me something I had pinned on Pinterest. I got a dachshund umbrella from California just because. New running shoes again because he stalked my Pinterest. I love to look around Harper's room and see the reminders of Brian, the surpriser and champion prize giver. So those of you in the village who continue to send surprises such as cards, notes, gifts cards,a box full of sunshine, an origami owl necklace with some great symbolism, a home sewn skirt, a giant lollipop, amazing books or farm nail art for Harper, and a box fill of mermaid outfits, know that you are constantly reminding me of Brian's giving heart and it brings me a lot of joy. Makes my heart smile. (THIS IS NOT ME ASKING FOR THINGS! Just want you to know how Brian shows up everyday)
So when you say, DANG! Karen is strong (emotionally, in case you needed clarification because I said CrossFit. HA!), remember that I alone am not strong. It is my village who gives me my strength. Without them where would I be at this stage in the grieving process? You should also know that this "strong" Karen was brought to tears by a song from Trolls. Seriously...a song from an upbeat kid's movie.
- "I really hope I can do it because they're all depending on me"
- "Just riding on a rainbow, I'm gonna be okay"
- "Hey!
I'm not giving up today" - "And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again" - "What if it's more than I can take
No I can't think that way 'cause I know that
I'm really really gonna be okay"
As much as the village is appreciated. It is hard. Throughout our cancer journey, we have always relied on people. We had to call on people for help. We had to ask for support in many different areas. This time it is different. When I reflect with a grateful heart I also hurt a little. It makes me realize the permanence. In the previous years, there was always and end in sight to the help needed. It would be like okay....village member A will drive Harper to school every day this week but then Brian will be better and the need for help with end. Or mom and dad will come for this week of chemo but then will have 2 weeks off before they're needed again. This time there is no set time period for when the need for help will cease. For someone who strives to be independent this is a harsh reality. If I stick to strict independence it would mean no working out unless Harper was ready to play independently. It would mean switching schools and changing a constant in Harper's life. Some of you may be thinking of solutions such as me moving or my parents moving up here. This would go against my ingrained need for independence (wonder where Harper gets this from?! Weird!) It is hard for me to ask for help. I worry people will continue to say yes to me out of obligation. They will do things and extend themselves beyond what truly works with their schedule just to help me out. That is tough for me.
So I say THANK YOU to my village. To everyone who continuously DOES/SERVES my family. Know that even if it is hard for me, and I feel you say yes because you have to, I love you all! My newest challenge is to balance the asking for help while maintaining independence and not suffering from extreme guilt.
One day at a time...
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