Today is Brian's 45th birthday. With the insanity of working nonstop from the second I set foot on campus to the second I leave, then going to the gym, coming home to cook, then making sure I pay attention to Harper and get my grad school work done and work some more, this birthday kind of snuck up on me. Also, because I couldn't host our usual busy house with all our favorites/lightning squad, I didn't anticipate the grief that came with this day. I woke up feeling sad and heavy. Why??
Life is really good right now. I feel busy and purposeful at work. We are so loved, and things with Josh couldn't be better. (Update: We worked on things, got back together, and I couldn't be happier for following my heart on this one instead of my brain). His relationship with Harper melts my heart for real! Harper is BEYOND thrilled to be wearing her mask and going to school in person. She has a great teacher and her neighborhood bestie is in her class! She loves school even if she thinks walking around the bus loop for recess is lame. Friends are planning weddings and there is so much love and happiness.
It's hard because I am so so so happy, but at the same time miss Brian something fierce. I haven't had a whole day of grief in a long time. It's more like little moments here and there. He would love to be harassing the girls about their wedding plans. I want to know what he feels about Washington ditching the Redskins mascot. I want to watch football every weekend while doing schoolwork. I want him to see the crazy antics of his baby who knows way too much and is nearly as ridiculous as him. I would love to see his solutions for our online learners and watch his ridiculous presentations that would most definitely involve embarrassing pictures of me in them.
But I also know he'd be really happy with the paths our lives are on. He'd love that my parents live so close. He would love that his friends have never once neglected their promises to take care of his girls. He would love that Harper is good but a little sassy at the same time. (Please don't ask Harper for a list of words that start with sh-.) He would be so happy that I found someone who doesn't only love me but also loves Harps. I still wonder what he would say about the fact that I am AP since that was never in our longterm discussions. But I know he would be happy.
So although today was WAYYY harder than I anticipated, I am thankful we still got to celebrate Brian with a small group of besties that feel like home. I am thankful for whoever surprised us with sunflowers on the porch. I celebrate my friends like Mary who send words of affirmation (my love language) at just the right moment. I celebrate that because of the life I lived with Brian and because of the life Brian led, I get to be super thankful for the life and happiness I have now even when a birthday is a griefday.
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