It's been a while since I've written because I still don't have internet! Wah! The new house is great. Every day I think how much I love it. Kids knock on the door to play with Harper, she got her first big girl bike with training wheels from her GeGe and can ride it in the culdesac, and everything is coming together.I love it! I don't know if it's because of the changes or because the new school year is starting or if it's just because but I miss Brian, but gosh I'm missing him a lot lately.
I was getting my eyebrows waxed and one of the workers was soaking her nails and talking to her husband on speaker phone. They were not talking about anything emotional or sweet, it sounded like she was giving him a list of what to pack for a baby. Yet when they hung up he said I love you. And she very blasé said I love you too and hung up. Now that isn't a great love story or anything but I almost cried. I miss that. I miss the simple I love yous every time we ended a conversation about anything.
I broke the garage door day 5 of living here. I was just taking out the trash and didn't realize something fell into the track. When I went to close the door a whole mess ensued. I missed Brian cause I just wanted to cry while someone else dealt with it. Or if Brian was here I wouldn't have felt as scared to leave the garage door open overnight. Or maybe he would've been the one to push the button so I could've been mad at him instead of myself. It was fixed the next day and nothing was stolen so it's all good but I miss him.
Tonight was the Hall of Fame game and I didn't even know it. Not that I have internet or anything to watch it but still. If Brian were alive I would have known. Football season is really really going to make me miss him.
Harper looks like him. When she's trying to stall at bedtime she wants to talk about daddy. When I pray at night, after I say amen she says it's her turn. Instead of talking to God she says, "Thank you for loving us so much and we miss you, Daddy." I know I should correct her and teach her to talk to God but my heart is happy to hear her talking to him so I will wait a bit on that lesson.
I can hear any song and twist any lyric to make me think of Brian. I read memories of the water being shut off 5 years ago because he didn't pay the bill and laugh now at how mad I was and remembering him trying to explain his way out of it. I see pictures of us surrounded by other people's kiddos and think about how fun he was and how he rarely said no to anything we wanted to do.
Someone asked me recently if I'm looking for men to date. The thing is when I think about that phone call I love you or needing someone here to blame the garage on, I don't miss it because it was another person, I miss it because it was Brian. So my answer to that person was I'm not looking at the moment because it's not being in a relationship that I miss, it's being in a relationship with Brian that I miss so much.
I've cried more this week than I have in a month. I'm appreciative of the tears because they remind me of what a great thing I lost. I know I'm not the only one missing him and feel so blessed that he is still loved by so many and that so many continue to show their love to us. Whether it be the team of friends who went above and beyond to help me move or a sweet locket arriving in the mail, we feel the love for not only us but Brian as well.
::hearts & hearts & hearts::
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