Entry 9: Back to Normal?

Here is a real life situation to show how things have been lately.  Driving home with Harper in the car she asks, "Did Daddy come to my school?"  I asked her who dropped her off every day in which she responded Daddy.  I said, "You're right! I miss Daddy."  She asked, "Are you sad?"  I said, "Not right now."  She laughed then told me, "You cannot cry!"  I asked, "Why?"  She said, "Because I told you." (HA!)  I said, "Yea but why did you tell me I can't cry?"  Harper says, "You have cried enough."  If only that were true.  I guess when I say I miss Daddy to her I am almost always crying.

Things have been continuing to move forward. Time seems incredibly fast! Like super duper fast. The sadness hits me even more unexpectedly.  I am just sad cause I want him here. It's as simple as that. It's not a certain activity, a certain time of day, a certain mood, etc. It is just any time. I miss Brian. Period.

I made this bad boy in Kindergarten and yes
my Mom still has it!

That being said, I LOVED being a wife to him.  Like really really loved it. Now, I really enjoy being a mom to Harper. This stay at home mom gig hasn't been too bad either. Do 5 errands that make me feel productive while Harper is at school, workout in the middle of the day, then still have energy to try a new recipe for dinner and build a blanket fort. However, this stay at home mom business ends Wednesday morning.  Again I will use the word bittersweet. I love my job. Going back means returning to "normal" which I know is the next step but still feels weird.  It means going back to the place we met.  Going back to little reminders around my classroom of him. Going back to see people that I haven't seen since it all happened.  Going back to my students who I LOVE so much but who probably got used to some bad habits while I was gone.  It is a bit overwhelming although I know once I am with the kids I will absolutely love it.  Even my kindergarten self knew how much I would love being a teacher. Look what mom found in her filing cabinet.

I love this picture! Look at GeGe!

So as I countdown to the return to being a teacher I like to be thankful.  A year ago today we were with a ton of friends having a party to celebrate Brian's life. I am so thankful for that day.  I am thankful for the pictures, the joy, the memories, the tattoo reveals, the re-reveal of the wedding tux.   So today as I reflect, one big thing Brian was sad about was that he felt he wouldn't be able to provide for us when he died. I wish he could know just how much he does! Today I had a meeting with Social Security. I told the worker our whole story, how we met, the brief 5 minute summary of our cancer journey all without a tear to be seen. Then she told me the amount Harper would receive monthly and I cried. I just cried. And said wow probably 92 times. Harper will receive a survivor's benefit that will be more than enough to pay for her school every month as well as extra-curriculars or college savings.  Talk about a relief. Brian will provide until she is 18 and beyond (if I save properly). Today,  I also used an old gift card from Brian that I had hoarded because I love massages so much. I got a massage. And for an hour I laid, and prayed, and did that weird half sleep dream about weird things thing.  When I left I smiled and was so thankful to be able to use a gift from him to relax and feel good. Again he provided a relief and some sanity.



So tomorrow I will use my last day at home to not set an alarm, kayak with my friend, exercise for my sanity, and have dinner with my friends. Oh and I will open all this awesome mail that arrived today! And surprise Harper with a fun gift.  I will still cry when I am sad and continue to tell Harper that it is okay to cry when we are sad. I will continue to look for the good and remember the love. I will continue to feel abundantly blessed by my village.  I will continue to move forward even though I would given anything to go back. I love you all!