Day 1: It's kind of fun. The oncologist is the first person to call you in the morning when you wake up because he is amazing. Period. The best medical professional around. He cares and still wishes he could do more for Brian even though he couldn't have done anything better for us or differently. Just love him! Your best friends come with you to do the hard stuff at the funeral home and make you feel like you are making the right decision. You visit the 
plot that your other besties picked out and it couldn't be more perfect. Last, it's fun because your freaking straight edged mom is getting a tattoo. Although she says I asked her the night I got home from Hospice and she had to say yes because of my vulnerable state, this is not what happened at all! All of your friends come. Your mom's new hashtag is #badassGeGe. You get your husband's signature tattooed on your foot. Although you may have previously thought tattoos didn't hurt that bad, you may change your opinion. Nevertheless, the day is awesome and one you will always remember it forever and ever as the day after.
Day 2: You are still busy busy! You start to feel physical anxiety and get a little too upset when you cannot find the list you just made for Target. You have the most incredible graveside service aimed at your daughter but really it made your heart happy. Friends share stories and say really ridiculously nice things, you make them kiss paper lightning bolts as if they are building a bear at Build-a-Bear. You say, "It's too bad we didn't meet when we were 10. Oh wait that would've been gross cause he would've been 18!" Your daughter plays and is happy throughout the graveside service. Your brother tells you stories that you never heard. Everyone is sad but full of love. You release balloons that had a 100% chance of getting stuck in the tree, but they all make it through and Harper says they are going to see Daddy. (side note: I know it is environmentally irresponsible to release balloons. Next year we can do a beach clean up on the anniversary to make up for it.) His song, Release plays at the perfect moment. Then you eat Cruisers because what could be more delicious.
Day 3: You lose your shit. Over nothing. Over a storage unit maybe not having a walkway for you between your boxes. Your brother and mom have helpful ideas but you snap at them anyways. You are MAD at work because the FMLA paperwork run around makes you angry. You end up at the doctor and have to check the box widowed and you may be crying in the waiting room cause seriously...you are a widow! UGH! You get it all squared away but are still on the verge of some emotion. Your brother works his ass off to organize the garage. You didn't realize it would make people think you were moving. Your daughter gets in the car after school and says, "I miss Daddy." I said, "Me too! I miss his great hugs and because he was always silly." She says, "I miss him when he says RAWR and has candy in his mouth!" (referring to a memory at Halloween when Brian would make vampire teeth with candy corn and allow her to do it too even though we had a not candy rule.) Your heart smiles because your baby has good memories of her Daddy and can come up with them unprompted. She is clearly impacted because of her more than usual use of the word no, increase in meltdowns, and harder time going to bed. You continue to snap at the people closest to you even though you really don't want to. You have a serious need for control and feel totally out of control and it makes you feel like a crazy person. Friends reach out left and right but because you don't even know yourself right now you have no idea what help you need.
So three days after losing Brian, don't feel sorry for me. I know I will get through. Today is just a sucky day where all I want is him.
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