Watching someone you love die is insane and surreal. It was incredibly calm. So calm that I almost slept through it while sitting in a chair and holding his hand and laying my head on his bed. Luckily a friend had the sense to wake me up. After this experience I am in awe of the human body and what God does for us.
Imagine going 6 hours without a meal, you feel pretty cranky right? Imagine having to ask for help every time you needed to use the restroom. Pretty frustrating I would assume. Imagine not drinking anything for a few days. Wouldn't you feel like crap? With any of these three things would you be able to even form a coherent thought?!?! It amazed me that Brian hadn't been eating, didn't drink much water, and needed assistance yet he remained calm, happy, and kind. Because of what our bodies can do and the knowledge of sign language, Brian communicated and moved up until his last 12 hours. He continued to joke, pulled people in for hugs, signed message that were ridiculous and others that were truly touching. He threw balls at the heads of crying friends. He taught people a new invented inappropriate sign. THIS truly is the biggest blessing. We got to have our Brian with us. On the last morning he was alive, he rubbed my face as I cried over him and told him all that I love about him and how well taken care of his girls would be, even giving him permission to go. In the next minute he was reaching his hand down my shirt and grinning and nodding when I asked if he was trying to touch my boobs. This is literally a few hours before he became unresponsive.
With that being said, as sad as death is and as lonely as it may feel sometime down the road, my Brian was his thoughtful, silly self until the end. His body endured and his sense remained. His death was not full of crazy noises or an awful tragic episode. He was surrounded by his mom, wife, and very best friends when he took his last breath. I will cherish those last 12 days and continue to give thanks and be amazed by the strength of his spirit and the phenomenal abilities of the human body.
Also, two songs in my brain that won't leave are "Thy Will Be Done" and "It is Well with My Soul". Maybe these will give you a happy healing cry like they do for me.
Love to you all.
I was rereading old blog posts of Brian's today. I found it interesting that he talks about finishing radiation in September and lists the things he's looking forward to - Halloween, football, etc and ends with Harper's third birthday. The way things work out sometimes amaze me...how he declined and came back and although it sounds like he wasn't exactly alert for her birthday he hung on to make that milestone. I'm sure this is something you've known/thought about but just something that struck me this morning and then reminded me with this post about the amazing human body, the way a person sometimes seems to choose their moment to go. I'm continuing to hold you all in my thoughts. Thank you both for being so transparent through all of this! 💕
ReplyDeleteKaren, Your hospice journal is beautiful. I can feel your pain, your love, and your faith in your words. And those two songs -- two of my favorites (of many) -- how can they not heal our tears? I will continue to pray for you and Harper and your families.
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