Entry 98: Camp Oasis

 When Brian first passed, I was writing blogs all the time. It is always for big feelings. Now it is typically when something heavy happens or on his anniversary, but this time it is for celebration.

I remember four and half years ago, sitting in the pediatrician's office and trying to figure out what was going on with Harper. We had tested everything and were just waiting for one more test result. The doctor hadn't received the results yet so I checked my Quest app and they were there. The number was high. Super high! And when I told the doctor I saw her face. I quickly read the little description Quest provides and knew we were looking at something life long. I remember feeling so devastated. Sad that my girl would have to deal with something her whole life.  Immediate grief. Immediate tears while still trying to spin it positively in front of an 8 year old who was listening to every word and reading all the faces in the room.  How silly of me. The grief!  Of course we would prefer to never have Crohn's but then that would mean no Camp Oasis and I am pretty sure Harper wouldn't trade Camp Oasis for anything even if it meant not having Crohn's and eating Honey nut Cheerios.

Camp Oasis is Harper's magical place. Have you ever had one of those? For me it was Cedarkirk. For Harps, it is Camp Oasis.  Camp is put on by the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation hosted at Camp Twin Lakes in Winder, GA.  Four years ago, it was her first sleep away camp. She barely hugged me goodbye as she ran off with her group. I waited til 2:00AM every night waiting for the email of daily photos, and I would scour them looking for even a glimpse of the side of her face. Again silly me to worry. She LOVED it.  Since the day she left camp 2023, she has looked forward to it every single year. She packs weeks before we are even set to leave. She has a group text of other kiddos from the camp and they start texting as camp gets closer.  She loves everything about it. But if you ask her what her favorite is, she will say the people.  If that isn't a reflection of her mom and dad I don't know what you would call it.

This year, as I waited in the long line with my ID at pick up, I couldn't wait to see my girl.  The woman checking my ID says, "Wait! You're Harper's mom?!"  Then she went on to tell me how much she enjoyed Harper. How Harper cracks her up and that she was such a trip. Her dad would've loved to hear that!  As I went to the nurse to pick up her cooler of food, the nurse stops me and says, "I have to tell you about your girl." Then she went on to explain how amazingly loving and kind an empathetic Harper was. Explaining that another camper was trying SCD but didn't have enough food packed and how Harper problem solved, shared her meals, and was genuinely concerned for her friend. She went on to say that she made sure all the staff knew and wishes she could reward her in some way. As you can imagine, that makes me beam. There is nothing I want more than to raise a kind

and caring kid. She comes by it naturally.  As I sat and listened to the chants, listened to them cheer as different pictures pop up in the slideshow, I couldn't help but think that they cheered a little extra loud when Harper's face came up. As I got a little choked up, I looked around the room and thought how amazing it is that all these kids and many of the counselors have Crohn's and colitis and get to come together and just be the same. To make memories. To experience magic. To look up to leaders. To experience joy. 

Tonight Harper is so sad. Not because she has Crohn's but because she is not at camp. My heart could not be happier. I have my girl back and she comes back changed. More connected. More proud. Fuller heart. Stinkier shoes. And more magic added to her favorite place on earth. So thank you Crohn's for changing my girls life.

Entry 97: Nine Years

Let's start by saying life is really really good. We are blessed beyond measure and there is too much happiness to even quantify. 

However, nine years! It's wild that it has been that long. Grief evolves and changes as the years pass. I don't think of Brian any less but it is different. We still talk about him all the time. All the little things remind me of him. But big, nonstop crying grief doesn't hit as often. Well except for this past Monday.  I wrote this when I was sad. Lots of grief. So be warned as you read!

To Brian:

What I miss:

• 
  I miss the way your mind worked. And how you could be the most insulting person ever but instead
  of hurt feelings you somehow left everyone feeling loved or noticed.
• The pure ridiculousness of you that could never be predicted because whose mind works like that?!?
• I miss hearing your voice. When I hear it on an old video I am blown away and it touches some place deep in my heart.
• I miss talking to you about FSDB. I'd love to know your take on so many thing!
• I miss your absolute obsession with Harper. You loved being her dad. So sad that you both miss out on each other. You'd be fighting all these middle school girls! And boys! 
• I miss you filling me in on all the details of everyone's life. Not having a guy in the group chat means missing out on important life updates of our people.
• I miss football Sundays. Football season always makes me miss you a little extra. 

What I want him to know:

• 
  We are so well loved. Beyond what you could've ever wanted and hoped for your girls. More than we even talked about in bed those final months. We are so well taken care of. You'd be so happy.
• Your people still show up for us in all the big ways and small ways. Just like they promised.
• Your girl is so amazing! Loves math, can sing like you and loves to be the teachers' favorite. She loves gymnastics. I can only imagine what you would yell at the competitions right before she vaults! You'd be in so much trouble. 
  
  
• We have a 12 year old! That's mind blowing too. Almost as mind blowing as the fact that you've been gone for nine years.
• She loves music. She may not know all the background and history of the lyrics, but she is really into it. You'd love it.
• Your family is still our family. We love the legacy and inheritance you have left for us that we get to do life with these people we love. 
• Our last together puppy crossed over the rainbow bridge. I hope you already know that because you are snuggling her and this is not news to you. 
• Your girl is ROCKING her Crohn's diagnosis. She is thriving and following SCD. The doctor wants her to grow a little more before puberty but I wish I could show them a picture of you, Gumby, so they will leave us alone!

Entry 96: Eight Years

 It is unimaginable that it has been eight years. As Harper and I were scrolling back through Instagram to find a baby picture for her teachers, I don’t only miss Brian, but I miss Harper even though she’s still alive and with me. I miss her as a baby. I miss her as a little who couldn’t say her Rs. I miss Brian as an adoring dad. I hate that I have to scroll so far to find a memory of all three of us together to share with Harper. I hate that there aren’t more of them to make together. I miss the one person who would enjoy her as much as I do. I miss them both and eight years feels like forever.

January my brain floods with Brian. Whether it’s the anticipation to Harper’s birthday that also paralleled with the anticipation of the end of the cancer/Hospice journey or some crazy way your body internalizes the heavy times, I don’t know. But I notice more things that remind me of him. Harper was picking pink paint for the walls of her room makeover. She picked a color and later realized it was called “elephant pink”. Brian has painted elephants on Harper’s pink nursery walls and she made the connection. Or Harper’s teacher emailed me and said, “She cracks me up all the time!” Brian would be so proud of the humor and I can’t help but to think that she got it from him. Or his friends gifting us their annual donation to Harper’s college fund at the end of their fantasy football season and thinking how damn special it is that they still take care of his girls and fulfill their promises even eight years later.or driving in the car and hearing our first dance song which he picked because duh, he loved music. But honestly the song isn’t that pretty, or easy to listen to, and doesn’t normally make me want to listen to the whole thing yet I really pay attention to the lyrics this time. 

I want somebody to share 

Share the rest of my life 

Share my innermost thoughts 

Know my intimate details 

Someone who’ll stand by my side 

And give me support 

And in return 

She’ll get my support

We had that! I got Brian and his support for the rest of his life. And how can I not be grateful that it was us and he was mine! The song goes on to say,

I want somebody who cares 

For me passionately 

With every thought and every breath 

We also had that! And for that I am lucky! 

Being flooded with memories and emotions is such a good way to remember him. What I wouldn’t give to ride around with him and for him to pause the song and tell me the meaning of the lyrics and all of the background story. I’d love to see what random prize he’d bring home for Harper from a work trip. I’d love to discuss the daily happenings at FSDB and get his take. I’d love to still know the details of his best friends’ lives because of their ongoing group text. I’d love to watch a Redskins game (because let’s be real he’d refuse to call them the Commanders) and have him lose his mind over all the last minute Jayden Daniels wins. I’d love for him to hack my Facebook and post something ridiculous yet have people still believing it was me who had posted. I’d love to see him harass Harper’s friends at her birthday party or be her biggest cheerleader at her gymnastics meet.

What the eight years have taught me though is to live. And gosh if my life isn’t pretty damn fantastic right now. Cherish those friendships because you never know when the last funny text or real hug comes. Do the adventures. Feel the feelings. And love super duper big. Also say the words. I’m so thankful that I screenshotted every text and post from eight years ago. Reading the amazing word and kind things people said about Brian and our family still touches me deeply. Those words still mean so much eight years later. Don’t hold back. Love you all.

Happy 11th birthday, Harper Newton, my best gift and his best legacy! 

Entry 95: BTN Harper’s Story

 Gosh! Sometimes you’re just reminded how lucky you are for the people who are in your life. You know it’s natural for widows to get lots of support and attention after a loved one passes. But whether it’s 7 days, 7 weeks or 7 months, that fades naturally. As life continues to go relationships change and at times this causes me to feel all those big grief feelings again. Worried about losing pieces of Brian along the way. But here we are 7 (almost 8) years later and the love and support continues to surround us. Shortly after Brian passed, Brent authored a book for Harper all about her dad from her own perspective. We often read it when she’s missing him extra. We’ve carefully treasured the copy we’ve had held together by staples and a thin piece of duct tape. Well today we received our official book book of Brent’s awesome story. We are

so thankful for this treasure that will now last forever. It’s also an amazing symbol of all the support that we continue to receive. How amazing that 7 years later, the attention and support for this widow and her girl hasn’t faded. We love the continued reminders of love, friendship and community. 

Entry 94: Hell in the Hallway

 With cancer, we always played the game of will cancer cancel/interrupt this plan we are making? Now with Crohn’s we play the game of is this a normal random thing that happens to a kid or is it Crohn’s? 

Harper has been having was we call “bubbles” in her mouth. They started out small, one at a time, inside her lip. They were clear and literally looked like a bubble landed there. Now she’s getting bigger ones on her lips and once one heals, the next one pops up. Pre-Crohn’s I would’ve thought nothing of it. I would’ve called it a canker sore and gone about our business. But now we have the game of is it Crohn’s? We asked the experts both GI and pediatrician. Next step is dentist. Luckily they don’t hurt her, they’re just annoying. But in the meantime they want to check Harper’s calprotectin again. That’s the original frozen poop test that showed us Harps Crohn’s. Her level was 4500 and 50 is normal. It’s also the test that gave us the magical 49 number showing she was in remission. I’m not excited to retest. It brings a lot of what ifs. And a lot of anxiety. My friend Cally said it best, “that the space between problem coming up and next steps is the hardest… you have gotten through this phase before and will again but it’s hell in the hallway right?!?!”

Amen! It is hell in the hallway. I don’t want to borrow trouble and if it is Crohn’s maybe it’s just a quick little round of steroids to zap it. But as we approach day 600 of SCD, a mighty feat in itself for a 10 year old, I pray that stupid test stays below 50, and we can look back at this hell in the hallway as a minor bubble. 

Entry 93: Seven Years

 It’s kind of unbelievable. Brian’s been gone for seven whole years and Harper has been alive for ten. It’s absolutely wild. Time does not stop. This anniversary has hit me harder. Is it because life is really really happy? Is it because this feels like a big milestone in Harper’s life, double digits? Is it because as time moves along I’m surrounded less by people who knew Brian and more around people who know of him? Is it because 7 years feels like such a long time to not see someone you love? Is it because he’s been gone longer than we were in a relationship?  I can’t say. What I can say is he would absolutely love his ten year old!

What Brian was super great at was relationships. Whether it was insulting texts, personal playlists, or reading name tags and using the name of any and every employee, he made people feel seen. I feel guilty/sad at times when it feels like I’m not doing as good of a job as he would at maintaining all of our super important relationships. However, he would love to see how Harper builds relationships with her friends. She’s so thoughtful and concerned how her friends are feeling. She is silly and constantly giggling with them. She’s totally obsessed with Taylor Swift and loves music in general. He would LOVE sharing details about each and every song with her. She’s freaking brave. Not only with her medical stuff but she tried out for drama having to sing a solo, do a monologue and a cold read all on stage by herself. He would eat it up to see her perform.

I feel sad for what he’s missing out on. He’d love to meet Andi, who is the cutest little “stinker” ever! He would make fun of Tori but also be so cute holding her new baby. He would absolutely love Adaline’s exuberant personality and would totally feed into her energy. I want to know what he thinks about all the changes at school. Would he be shocked I’m in admin? Would I even be if he was still alive? Like dad said, would they have even moved here? Thank God they did. I miss him keeping me in the loop on all the tiny details of the NFL. I miss the mundane. The sitting on the floor of Harper’s room and giving her all of our attention for hours with nothing else being important. I miss sitting on Trey and Suzy’s couch every weekend and doing life with them. I miss his ridiculous poses, his voice, his spontaneity, his wild ideas, and his randomness. 

There’s so much good that has come since he’s passed as well. I’m thankful for the perspective that Dr. Bubis gave us on focusing on quality of life in each and every decision even when they aren’t medical related. I thankful for all the travel I’ve been able to do to National Parks that he loved. I’m thankful for the new problems that pop up that don’t seem quite so important because what’s harder than losing your husband. I’m thankful for my new family and how loving and understanding of grief they are and how they treat Harper like she’s one of their own from he very beginning. I’m thankful for Josh who feels like he was picked specifically for me, for us. I’m thankful to be healthy and getting to exercise and feel stronger. I’m thankful for our home that I was only able to buy due to Brian’s passing. I’m thankful for how he continues to provide for Harper through the social security money that comes monthly. I’m thankful for being a support to other widows or even be able to love on friends who suffer big loses because I kind of get it. I’m thankful mom and dad moved close and are so generous with their time. I’m also thankful for this blog. To read back through the raw emotions of days after. To remember the strong feelings even if they make you sob all over again. To reread annual recaps and know that even though time moves on, like seven years of time, Brian’s memory lives on and the love never ever goes away. 

The best thing from him always and forever will be Harper and she is 10! A decade!  She’s incredible. She’s works hard. She loves school. She’s into everything: gymnastics, drama, chorus, rock climbing. She loves her momma so much and is so affirming. She aims to please which is sometimes hard for when she makes a mistake. We are working on it. She loves being around people and always wants to hang with friends. Her memory is ridiculous. She is so spoiled but so so grateful that you just keep doing more for her. We had an amazing time celebrating with her Buc-ee’s friend party and her surprise Disney weekend with some of the lightning squad. It felt so good to watch her aunt and uncle spoil her. It felt good to be around people who knew Brian even better than me. Even though this January 22nd feels harder than most, we celebrate. We celebrate Harper! We celebrate having such a great love that even seven years later it feels so hard to be without. We celebrate our new life and continued happiness.  I am

so thankful for everyone who loves us whether you knew Brian or not. I can only imagine him beaming about how well his girls are loved! As time moves on I’ll continue to ride the wave, where it takes me ❤️⚡️ 

Entry 92: Yes Day!

 365 days ago, the idea of making it to the one year mark on SCD happy, healthy, and full
seemed unfathomable. It all felt hard and so restrictive. Now, looking back, all I can see is what a strong, resilient, badass I am raising. In the beginning when we started the SCD diet, we celebrated every day and every week that we managed this new way of life. At 6 months we celebrated at Disney. We rewarded every win. Here we are at one, whole year. "Yes" Day!

At the doctors recently when discussing being in remission, Harps said to me, "I know you are proud mom, but it doesn't feel like a big accomplishment." If only she knew that using food as medicine to put yourself into remission when the world around you uses food so differently is a HUGE accomplishment. It's hard to feel left out, different, or even like you're missing out. But for 365 days this little chick has chosen to follow the rules and find joy in new food and treats. When I look back at our food photo diary from the early days, I am amazed by what she eats now. It is truly incredible. We honestly couldn't do it without our chef, Dot. He takes requests. He is creative with making recipes match the guidelines of SCD. He'll prepare seven days worth of meals to make overnight camp possible. He's had to change his lifestyle to support and accommodate our needs. He serves us so well. We are so lucky.

So today, 365 since we decided to try SCD to treat Harper's Crohn's, are celebrate with YES! Where the answer to every request is yes! Of course life cannot go as planned. Bella got injured this morning and needed the emergency vet. Of course I was an emotional hot mess and it happened right at the beginning of the day. She will be fine but I cried for all the reasons, but mostly for how much I was looking forward to celebrating Yes Day with my girl. Don't worry! Dot stepped up again saying yes while I was getting Bella tended to.

He said yes to:

• a make over complete with mascara
• playing tag in the house
• being a horse

When when I got home, the yeses continued! Here is what we said yes to celebrate our girl's giant accomplishment:

• a TV in her bedroom
• making her normal honey candies in the GIANT butterfly mold
• drawing Yes Day decorations as a family
• a new free app on her iPad
• Family tag in the house (this is the one that surprised me the most that she seemed to think was the best)
• Target shopping with friends
• a bike ride 
• Watching the movie Yes Day on her new bedroom TV
• Downloading Roblox for the day and playing with her
• Pouring a bucket of ice over Dot's head
• Nail Salon (closed by the time she asked for it, so we are saving it for later this week)
• Walmart Shopping complete with taco slippers
• Bluey watching PJ party with neighborhood buddies in her room
• a make over for mommy
• a sleepover in mommy's bed

I hadn't seen the Yes Day movie before today, but it said a Yes Day must be earned. She definitely earned this! Here's to hoping and praying that SCD continues to work. Harper continues to be strong and feel good. 

Entry 91: Six Years

 It’s kind of unfathomable that it’s been that long without the ridiculousness and love of Brian here with us everyday. In the season leading up to the actual day he died, I’m reminded of the amazing community he built for us. I was smart and during all the wait time in Hospice, I took a screenshot of all the kind words people posted on social media. A few days ago before work, as I read them in my car, I had one of those really good cries. You guys said the kindest things about us both. It touches me that these comments weren’t just said in the moment because we knew things weren’t going well. But these are the people who send words of affirmation (my favorite love language), who still check in, who still share special and sometimes inappropriate Brian memories. The people who surrounded us before, during, and after cancer. You continue to show up for our family and in turn show up for him.

Although grief never goes away, it does get more manageable. Those early days/months/years hurt tons. Today, although I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes while typing this, I can think of how grateful I am to have been his person. I was the lucky one.

I’d give all the things to have him experience Harper now. I think that’s what I miss most. Him being her dad. He would be more obsessed with her than he was when she was a baby. If you knew him then you would know he was beyond obsessed. He would love her humor. He would love the way she knows naughty things but is waaaaayyyy too good to ever use them an inappropriate times. He would love her stories about her random third grade drama. He would threaten to fight anyone who hurt her feelings. He would buy her anything she wanted and he’d probably have his own Roblox account to join her in her most recent obsession. Overall, he would love the heck out of her. I imagine too that he is so grateful for the way we are both loved now.

So today, six years after we all surrounded his bed in Hospice as he peacefully passed, we get to hang with his cousins. Harper wanted nothing more for her birthday than to be with them. What a legacy and what an inheritance for us to be have these people. To be able to love all the people he brought us. People who spoil us. People who research Harper’s diet and make sure there is plenty of food accessible to her. People who love us just as we are. Brian is happy today knowing we are here celebrating. He may want us to cry a little so he can feel the most special. We know he loved attention. But today we have joy and love. And so much thankfulness that we made this life together. It’s also unfathomable that our baby turns 9 today! Today we celebrate them both. 

Entry 90: 49!!!!!!!

 My new favorite number!

Medical info: So calprotectin is a test they do and you have to bring in a frozen stool sample. This was the test that alerted us that Harper’s struggles this summer were most likely Crohn’s. The first time I checked the results for this test was in August while I was sitting in the pediatrician’s office. I cried. Normal range is 50 or less, 50-120 is borderline. Harper’s was a whopping 4,560. This meant back on the medical rollercoaster. This meant so many new unknowns. Tears because ugh!!!! And because researching Crohn’s is scary.

Fast-forward to today. Today is week 13 of using food as medicine. We’ve both been doing the Specific Carbohydrate Diet super strictly. Harper has had to make many sacrifices, figure out new normals, and just suck it up a lot these past three months. She’s really expanded her pallet and thanks to our chef, Dot, we have so many delicious options. Harper retested and did bloodwork on December 27th. Of course I’ve been checking every day. Bloodwork came back looking pretty good according to my untrained eye and the ranges they give, but we kept waiting for calprotectin. I kept telling myself I’d be happy with anything under 500 reasoning that these things take time. Gut healing and such. Well friends, you can imagine the tears when I opened the app and the number was 49!!!!!!!! The word normal next to it. What the what?!?!? This is all worth it. I know there is a lot ahead of us and things can always change. But how incredible is the power of being fortunate enough to use food as medicine and avoid the harsher meds while we can. I have to keep telling myself that if we need biologics (immunosuppressant meds to treat Crohn’s) one day it won’t be a failure, but how exciting that today is not that day!!!

I’ve known my girl is resilient however being different in third grade is hard. Never having a cheat day to look forward to is hard. Missing bagels and cream cheese (her number one want) is hard. But this girl is rocking it and it is so so worth it! “Mom can you please make me kale chips?” This is a quote from Harper today that never would have been uttered three months ago. 

Although of course no Crohn’s would be better, it feels pretty darn good that this little chick can do hard things, have amazing results, get to feel better, and keep a pretty good attitude most days! Hallelujah!!! A special thanks to all the parents who have done this diet before us, have done the research, post great recipes online, and tips and tricks on the Facebook group. It is such a needed resource. Also did I mention I’d be in the fetal position on the kitchen floor if I had to do all the cooking?! So thankful for Josh! 

But by the way, 49!!!!!!!!!! 

Disclaimer: We don’t meet with the doctor until the end of January so who knows what will happen then. For now we celebrate 49!!!!!!!!

Entry 89: A Diagnosis

 Harps is ready to share. She has been diagnosed with Crohn's disease. She will be starting a very specific diet to try to kick this shit into remission. Literal shit! This diet includes no sugar at all. AHHH! And no cheat days. There is no specific cause and nothing she did caused it. It is just what we have.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mourning the loss of her normal childhood. One with ice cream dates, cupcakes for birthdays at school, and not having to worry about anything but homework. Whoa is me! She already doesn't have her dad and now no sugar. Those are two of the best things. As always we are choosing a super positive approach. She and I have already brainstormed ideas like an edible arrangement for her birthday (her idea), trading in her trick or treat bag for money, and Target trips on those super hard day when she can't partake in things other kids are experiencing. If you have other fun ideas let us know! Luckily my life partner is basically a chef! 

Our care team is incredible and we got to meet them all. We also don't mind if you research but please don't share your findings with us. We've had experience navigating the medical roller coaster. I am so lucky to have such a positive, optimistic, and resilient little chick to do this with! The evening after her procedure she said, "Today was a good day!" May we all adopt Harper's attitude when life throws you curve balls!

Love to you all. No "aww poor Harpers" allowed. Positivity and fun ideas ahead! Also this momma promised to do the diet with her so here we come!

Entry 88: Note to Brian

We take a break from Notes to Joan to bring you a note to Brian…

Dear Brian,

Our kid is the one the teachers love. She may not keep track or her belongings and she may draw on every paper she has, but she’s always the one doing what’s expected and the one that is seriously offended when the whole class gets a punishment since she knows she was being good. She’s the one who made her teacher laugh this week when she said, “You know what sounds good? A hot tub and a strawberry daiquiri.” She’s not wrong. 

The bad news is that like you, our baby is now on the medical roller coaster. Nothing life threatening but still not fun. As you can imagine as a mom all I want to do is make it better, let her have a normal life, and fight everyone who isn’t making that happen fast enough. I want you to be in the waiting rooms with me flirting with every worker so they treats us the most special. Making everyone laugh and making is not feel so heavy. Making everyone be our best friends whether they intended to or not. I miss you and wish you were her to do this week us.

Love always! 

P.S. Harps is struggling with some GI issues. She’ll have a scope Tuesday in hopes of getting more answers. Also she knows I wrote this and was okay with sharing. Just asked that you don’t tell any kids her age. 

Entry 87: Small World

 The best thing happened today! While sitting at Lily's lacrosse game, I talked to the mom sitting next to me. She seemed cool. Later in the game, she said, "You are SO familiar." I had had that same thought last week. Going through the normal questions like where do you work? Do you work out? What school do your kids go to? And we still couldn't figure it out. A few minutes later she said I worked at Community Hospice for 10 years. I said I am going to cry and then I am going to hug you. This mom sitting next to me today happened to be the most important person to me the 11 days Brian was at Hospice. She was the manager at that time. She was the one I cried to night one. The once I cussed to when feeling so overwhelmed. The one who made me feel normal when everything seemed so chaotic. The one who gave use the bonus "frat room" when we had so many visitors. The one my mom wrote a long letter to after everything happened. When you are in the chaos of all that occurs in Hospice, it is amazing to have someone there who knows the Hospice side of things. You abruptly leave when your time at Hospice is over. And although we did go back because Harper was asking questions, you don't get to tell the people how much they truly meant to you. Well, today I did. I got to look at this person in the face and tell her the impact she had on me all while we were trying to figure out the rules of lacrosse. I got to introduce her to Josh and Harper got to hear about her too. I love this small town and small world we live in. I am so thankful she said something out loud and that now I get to hang out with her on Sundays. My heart loves this so much!

Entry 86: Five Years

 What! How? It’s insane to think so much time and life has passed without Brian physically in it.

Grief looks different as the years go on. Memories of Brian and funny stories to tell about him still pop up very daily. The tears are more random and further apart but the missing is no less intense. My Timehop for the month of January is brutal and the picture from Hospice remind me of all the love but also show how cancer devastated Brian’s body.

It’s amazing to be loved by someone now who supports my grief and gets it.  When I randomly cry and Josh just hugs me and lets me feel my emotions. He gives comfort, listens to memories, and accepts it all. I wonder how I could so lucky to have both him and Brian. I am so loved. 

This morning, on the day I became a momma and the day I lost my love, I got to wake up in Colorado with our besties, the ones we inherited from Brian. We got here Thursday and I have almost peed my pants from laughter multiple times every day since. As Harper says, “I’m so happy to spend my birthday with our original family.” We get to talk about all our random memories from silly fights where I stormed out with a baby bag to ridiculous things Brian would do and say. They know him even better than me. They see Brian in Harper and love her so much.

I took a screenshot of every post that people posted after Brian died, and last night I read them through tears remembering just how many lives he touched. And as my life continues forward from that day in 2017, I realize I spend less time with the people who continue to mean so much to me. Who literally walked along side us every hard step of cancer. I love them so much and their continued support for us got us through.  I’m still so insanely thankful for them all. It would be easy to be sad today I am so so so thankful that I had Brian. And because of Brian my life is so blessed. And because of our love, I get to celebrate our baby turning eight! He would love everything about her. The fact that she has a favorite bad word, the fact that she nailed people with snowballs unexpectedly this weekend and laughed like a crazo about it, the fact that she gets awarded academic excellence for facing challenges well, that fact that she makes crazy faces and says the most ridiculous things, the fact that she’s very much a people person and loves so easily, and the fact that my new man loves her so well. 

So instead of being super sad all day, we are going to spend this day making more memories, having ridiculous fun, celebrating our eight year old, and hugging the people we love. 

Entry 85: Birthday Blues

 As you can tell, there has considerably more time between blogs. Personal life has been full of happiness and puppy training. In June Josh, Hayden and Lily moved in, in July we took an amazing family vacay to National Parks, mid July we brought home Lenny, the smartest puppy ever and things have been happy. 

BUT holy smokes Brian's birthday hit me SUPER hard this year. Although I think about Brian ALL.THE.TIME. and everything makes me think of a memory of him and I share those memories with whoever is around, grief doesn't take over very often anymore. I love Josh and the life we have. He is amazing. He cooks all my food, like all of it, like on Sunday asks me what I want for the week for lunches, goes to grocery store, buys it, cooks it, that AMAZING! I am spoiled and well loved. So maybe grief is still there daily, but the emotions stay in check because there is so much happy. Who knows!

However, what I do know is that life has been tough lately. Running a school during a pandemic comes with its challenges. Today there was so much physical anxiety on top of the normal stuff. It's so crazy how the body carries emotions without the conscious thought happening first. So in amazing Josh form he asks me: "What do you need? Pizza? Wine? A puppet show? I can make all of those happen. Just say the word". Harps and I arrive home from work/school to our own bouquet of flowers. If that wasn't all, when Harper mentions that she just wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, that Dot turns off the burners, puts the meal in the fridge for tomorrow and off we go! Chuck E. Cheese during a pandemic, I mean.....EEK! But we masked up and had fun. Chuck E. is the last place we celebrated Brian's birthday, his last birthday and Harper has her own memories of it, making it that much more special to her. So after an hour of play, pizza (that was not as good as I remembered), and 2000 tickets that resulted in what she needed most, another stuffed animal, I did what every normal grieving person does and scrolled through Brian's Instagram on the ride home. 10 out of 10 recommend if you need a good cry

and need to remember just how much he loved you and his baby. Looking at his account, I just remember all the joy in the very little things. There are pictures that I don't even remember, but attached are his words and his ridiculousness that mean so much. It was the joy in the mundane. Thousands of pictures just on our big brown couch. Pictures of a random Tuesday, not a posed smile, half the time not even in pants, but ALL of them full of love. Sprinkled throughout are just a few that made me smile.

I love you all. Don't feel bad for me. Life is great and missing Brian makes me so happy to know how much he was loved and how much he means, everyday, all the time, especially on his birthday. When talking with some friends today, Zak shared that every year on Brian's birthday he takes time to share about Brian with his students. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!!?? What a great way to end a hard day. He said, "I love knowing there are more people in this world that know he existed. An that he impacted so many of us." I love that Josh totally embraces all of me and all of this and is one of those people who knows Brian existed and supports all parts of me. Life is crazy. Love your people. Tell them. Always. 

Entry 84: Party of Five

I realized I haven’t written since January and it made me reflect on the reason. A lot of times I write to help process my emotions. And even though grief is still very real and present, life has been going well. More than well, life has been super amazing. So.Many.Good.Things! One good thing was that the valedictorian at FSDB this year thanked me in his speech at graduation. When my heart is missing the classroom and the connection you have with students that is different from what you have when you're the principal, it just made me cry with pride and happiness. How can I teach and do my job at the same time?

That's a thing right?

  Another good thing is that I love having things to look forward to and now that we can, Mom and I booked our Siesta Key trip, a vacation with Josh and all our kids to hike Zion, Bryce and Grand Canyon is on the horizon, family visited and my brother and Meaghan come on Saturday, Hayden graduated, I got to spend time with one of my original babies, Livi, but best of all, as of last Sunday, Josh, Hayden, Lily plus a cat and a hamster all moved in! We are officially a party of five living under one roof and my heart could not be happier. I love having a together life! I love waking up in the morning knowing they are all there. And I really love having a partner to do life with.

I feel happy in my heart knowing Brian would totally approve of Josh. He would love how happy he makes me. And he would really love how he constantly jokes and messes with Harper. He would laugh at how Bella tries super hard to not make eye contact with the cat so that she doesn’t get hissed at or can pretend it’s not there. We still miss him everyday. Harps finished first grade. In her end of the year book she said the best thing she learned this year “was to be kind”. Seriously?!? Her teacher has been amazing dealing with her sensitive heart and helping her work through loving Brian but also loving Dot. She was exactly who Harper (and I) needed and I could not be more thankful for the life skills, reading skills, and extra attention and hugs she gave to Harper this year. Be on the lookout for all the vacation pics and big smiling faces because we really are THAT happy. And for that I am super duper thankful. All the love ❤️⚡️❤️

Entry 83: Four Years

It is insane to me to think that it has been four whole years since we all were around Brian as he left this world. It is insane to me that four years of life have continued on. It is insane to me all the changes that those four years have brought. It is insane to me that he is not here to

experience them all with us. It's insane to me how Harper is SO MUCH LIKE HIM! It's insane to me that I was so worried that my just turned three year old wouldn't have her own memories of her dad and how insanely wrong I was. It is insane to me to feel like it just happened but it's also felt like FOREVER since I have seen him. It's insane to me that after 3 years of cancer and 4 years without him, people continue to show up, show love, and always at the times it is really needed. It's insane to me how the little details slip away the further it gets from the him being alive.

I am always thankful for his love. I challenged my staff to do something ridiculous today for the sole purpose of making someone laugh. I challenged them to maybe even send a dead cockroach in a folded up piece of paper. When thinking about Brian and all that made him him, it is these types of little things that all add up. The fact that he flirted with anyone and everyone. The way he taught me to talk to anyone and ask

truly how they are. The way he knew way too many facts about football or music, but could NOT remember to tell me he was going out of town for work. The way he cherished his friends and kept them for so long. The way he ALWAYS had random prizes for no reason at all. The way he would cry laugh at his own jokes or something so inappropriate that he couldn't stop laughing. The way he was so proud of his baby and showed it in every way possible. The way that nothing was too ridiculous for him. Want to drive to Disney on a Friday night just to eat in Japan and drive

back again? Sure! Why not? Let's go! The way he had the most insane ideas like a gorilla mask at an engagement photoshoot but the ideas were hilarious. The way he was always always thinking of something witty. The way he gave time and taught me the important of quality time. The way he clung to hope through it all. The way he brought our community of people together so that even on this random COVID day 4 years after he died,

Harper and I are NEVER ever alone even if we can't have a lightning squad party. The community so amazing that we woke up to a 14 minute video of all the friends sending love, support and happy birthdays. So today I leave you with RANDOM Brian. RIDICULOUS Brian. I challenge you to do something today, just for the sake of laughter. My hope is that as we continue to live life post Brian, we will take notice of all the little things that made him so special and see them in the common things of life. Excited to celebrate our baby today even though I don't accept 7 years old!

Entry 82: Grief Has Arrived

 It doesn't matter how much you anticipate it's arrival. It doesn't matter that it is expected. It doesn't matter that you've done this before. Grief comes, it stays, and it hits hard and heavy.

I swear to you our body saves and remembers even if our brain doesn't. January was bad for several years before Brian died.  Looking at my line a day journal I know January 11th is normally the time the grief comes. This year on the 11th I was still feeling good. I thought maybe this year, I will happily remember Brian and not feel the chest squeezing grief. WRONG. Grief came like a freight train on Wednesday, two days late, and seems to be taking its sweet time. Why is it still so strong this year? Is it because I feel so disconnected from my lightning squad people because of dumb COVID? Is it because life has been really really really happy for an extended period of time (no break ups) that being sad feels even worse? Is it because no matter what it just sucks to lose the person you love? I do not know. But it's hard! I am doing my self care. I am eating well again. I am working out. I am being consistent with routines to feel a sense of control. But grief remains.

That's a lot of bad so what is good? I enjoy my job even though I miss the classroom a bit. I work with great people. Josh is amazing. I love him. We had two awesome trips and got to spend quality time with his family. According to Harper she has new cousins.  Harper loves her Dot and loves when he spends the night even though it makes it so she doesn't sleep with me. He makes her laugh and teaches her to be ridiculous and I think Brian would really appreciate that. Sally moved back and Harps gets to see her grandma way more often! My parents are a minute away and even though we are being super safe, we still get to see them from a distance. But the best of all is Harper. She's amazing. She's reading and it's the most exciting thing for her educator mom. She's one thousand and ten percent Brian. She's ridiculous. She says "Huzaah!" when she does something that isn't even that spectacular and it makes me laugh every time. She's decided she needs spa music to help her sleep. She advocates for herself when I don't let her share her point of view. She is generous with her friends and almost put her items back in Target when using her own gift card because I said a water bottle was pretty. She's fun, she's thankful, and she's super affirming!

I can't wait for Covid to pass and grief to pass and all the reconnecting that is going to happen. For now I will sit with this grief and think of it like my dad said "Grief is a way of remembering" and I sure as hell never want to forget. 

Entry 81: I'll Ride the Wave

 So if you know Brian, you know how important music is to him. Like you couldn't ever just ride in the car and listen, he would have to pause and tell you the history behind the song or what a certain lyric meant or lots of random facts about a member of the band. When he found a new song that inspired him or evoked emotion, you could find him listening to it while he showered, again in the car, then on repeat again right after that. 

He wrote his own blogs while experiencing cancer. So many centered around a song lyric and what he was experiencing.

If you want to read his writing, here is one: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/06/ill-swallow-poison-until-i-grow-immune.html

Here is another that explains the lightning bolt symbolism: http://illswallowpoisonuntiligrowimmune.blogspot.com/2016/02/ride-lightning.html. The amazing thing because of music that inspired Brian, we have lost count of the number of bolt tattoos there are now. 

The last concert we went to was Pearl Jam. When we bought the tickets, we weren't even sure he'd be able to even use his ticket but we didn't want to give up hope. Let's fast forward to today. Of course the lightning squad shared Brian's story throughout. Because of Zak and Claire sharing Brian's story with a friend, Brian's story was shared with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist of Pearl Jam. Well here is a video we got today.

I cry! Like for real? Is this real life? This man took time out of his life to honor Brian. Brian would totally be freaking out that he would now have an amazing fact to share about this man that made music that meant so much to Brian. How amazing that people who never met Brian felt called enough to share his story. The friend of Zak and Claire who shared the story said this tonight, when crying while trying to get through watching the video they said "We end up with our eyes closed, feeling the music, thinking of you all, and tears running down our face." I mean how truly amazing is all of this. I am so so so thankful! And how amazing for Harper to have something so special and that meant so much to her Dad. 

Entry 80: It's a Birthday! It's a Griefday!

 Today is Brian's 45th birthday. With the insanity of working nonstop from the second I set foot on campus to the second I leave, then going to the gym, coming home to cook, then making sure I pay attention to Harper and get my grad school work done and work some more, this birthday kind of snuck up on me. Also, because I couldn't host our usual busy house with all our favorites/lightning squad, I didn't anticipate the grief that came with this day. I woke up feeling sad and heavy. Why??

Life is really good right now. I feel busy and purposeful at work. We are so loved, and things with Josh couldn't be better. (Update: We worked on things, got back together, and I couldn't be happier for following my heart on this one instead of my brain). His relationship with Harper melts my heart for real! Harper is BEYOND thrilled to be wearing her mask and going to school in person. She has a great teacher and her neighborhood bestie is in her class! She loves school even if she thinks walking around the bus loop for recess is lame. Friends are planning weddings and there is so much love and happiness.

It's hard because I am so so so happy, but at the same time miss Brian something fierce. I haven't had a whole day of grief in a long time. It's more like little moments here and there.  He would love to be harassing the girls about their wedding plans. I want to know what he feels about Washington ditching the Redskins mascot. I want to watch football every weekend while doing schoolwork. I want him to see the crazy antics of his baby who knows way too much and is nearly as ridiculous as him. I would love to see his solutions for our online learners and watch his ridiculous presentations that would most definitely involve embarrassing pictures of me in them.

But I also know he'd be really happy with the paths our lives are on. He'd love that my parents live so close. He would love that his friends have never once neglected their promises to take care of his girls. He would love that Harper is good but a little sassy at the same time. (Please don't ask Harper for a list of words that start with sh-.) He would be so happy that I found someone who doesn't only love me but also loves Harps. I still wonder what he would say about the fact that I am AP since that was never in our longterm discussions. But I know he would be happy.

So although today was WAYYY harder than I anticipated, I am thankful we still got to celebrate Brian with a small group of besties that feel like home. I am thankful for whoever surprised us with sunflowers on the porch. I celebrate my friends like Mary who send words of affirmation (my love language) at just the right moment. I celebrate that because of the life I lived with Brian and because of the life Brian led, I get to be super thankful for the life and happiness I have now even when a birthday is a griefday. 

**When I complain about grad school homework later in the week, feel free to remind me that I chose to write a blog instead of read chapters.

Entry 79: Father’s Day and COVID Grief

This time it’s not mine we are talking about but Harps. Lately Harps has really been feeling the loss of her daddy. 

Randomly after picking her up from my parents one day she says, “Mommy you are lucky!” Assuming she’d tell me it was because I was lucky enough to get to go to Publix, I asked why and she said, “You still have Bampy.” I said, “I sure am.” Then in the saddest voice ever she says, “Luckier than me.”

Rip my heart right out. Every time she cries hard in bed at night missing him it makes me sad. Every time she says she misses something special about him, I tell her that I miss that too or remind her of something else amazing about him. These things are happening way more often these days. 

Is this resurfacing of grief because she is more mature and understands what she doesn’t have? Is this COVID grief just caused by the missing of so many things in general? Missing friends? Missing Disney? Missing random trips to Target where she could convince me to throw something extra in the basket? And her little brain associates missing with missing Daddy because that’s the missing she has known since she was little? Is it just more time at home and more time to think? 

I don’t know, but’s it’s sad!!! It’s hard to see your baby realizing her loss. It’s hard to hear her say she wishes she could hug him again. It’s hard when she cries about others making Father’s Day gifts and she doesn’t need to. It’s just hard. I need a live-in Hospice social worker, the one that helped me so much when harps was turning 3 and had to learn that her daddy would die, to be here now, telling me how to help her little heart.

We read the book Brent wrote about her daddy. We visit the grave. I cover her with her Daddy blanket with all the pictures of him. We find the million stuffed animals that were made specially for daddy or have a memory of daddy attached with them. I hug her. I listen. I cry too. I tell her the amazing things. I offer to look at pictures. I hold her but man oh man is it hard to not be able to make it better for her. If anyone has more ideas for special things to do this Father’s Day send them my way. 

Brian would absolutely have loved to see her at surf camp. His Daddy heart would be so insanely proud. She got the perfect Brian type surprise when the Bechtolds left a surf board in her porch the last day of camp. She is loved. We have amazing people in our lives. I pray and hope that she will be okay as time passes but grief is tough. And a six-year-old’s grief in full display is even tougher.