Entry 91: Six Years

 It’s kind of unfathomable that it’s been that long without the ridiculousness and love of Brian here with us everyday. In the season leading up to the actual day he died, I’m reminded of the amazing community he built for us. I was smart and during all the wait time in Hospice, I took a screenshot of all the kind words people posted on social media. A few days ago before work, as I read them in my car, I had one of those really good cries. You guys said the kindest things about us both. It touches me that these comments weren’t just said in the moment because we knew things weren’t going well. But these are the people who send words of affirmation (my favorite love language), who still check in, who still share special and sometimes inappropriate Brian memories. The people who surrounded us before, during, and after cancer. You continue to show up for our family and in turn show up for him.

Although grief never goes away, it does get more manageable. Those early days/months/years hurt tons. Today, although I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes while typing this, I can think of how grateful I am to have been his person. I was the lucky one.

I’d give all the things to have him experience Harper now. I think that’s what I miss most. Him being her dad. He would be more obsessed with her than he was when she was a baby. If you knew him then you would know he was beyond obsessed. He would love her humor. He would love the way she knows naughty things but is waaaaayyyy too good to ever use them an inappropriate times. He would love her stories about her random third grade drama. He would threaten to fight anyone who hurt her feelings. He would buy her anything she wanted and he’d probably have his own Roblox account to join her in her most recent obsession. Overall, he would love the heck out of her. I imagine too that he is so grateful for the way we are both loved now.

So today, six years after we all surrounded his bed in Hospice as he peacefully passed, we get to hang with his cousins. Harper wanted nothing more for her birthday than to be with them. What a legacy and what an inheritance for us to be have these people. To be able to love all the people he brought us. People who spoil us. People who research Harper’s diet and make sure there is plenty of food accessible to her. People who love us just as we are. Brian is happy today knowing we are here celebrating. He may want us to cry a little so he can feel the most special. We know he loved attention. But today we have joy and love. And so much thankfulness that we made this life together. It’s also unfathomable that our baby turns 9 today! Today we celebrate them both.