Entry 82: Grief Has Arrived

 It doesn't matter how much you anticipate it's arrival. It doesn't matter that it is expected. It doesn't matter that you've done this before. Grief comes, it stays, and it hits hard and heavy.

I swear to you our body saves and remembers even if our brain doesn't. January was bad for several years before Brian died.  Looking at my line a day journal I know January 11th is normally the time the grief comes. This year on the 11th I was still feeling good. I thought maybe this year, I will happily remember Brian and not feel the chest squeezing grief. WRONG. Grief came like a freight train on Wednesday, two days late, and seems to be taking its sweet time. Why is it still so strong this year? Is it because I feel so disconnected from my lightning squad people because of dumb COVID? Is it because life has been really really really happy for an extended period of time (no break ups) that being sad feels even worse? Is it because no matter what it just sucks to lose the person you love? I do not know. But it's hard! I am doing my self care. I am eating well again. I am working out. I am being consistent with routines to feel a sense of control. But grief remains.

That's a lot of bad so what is good? I enjoy my job even though I miss the classroom a bit. I work with great people. Josh is amazing. I love him. We had two awesome trips and got to spend quality time with his family. According to Harper she has new cousins.  Harper loves her Dot and loves when he spends the night even though it makes it so she doesn't sleep with me. He makes her laugh and teaches her to be ridiculous and I think Brian would really appreciate that. Sally moved back and Harps gets to see her grandma way more often! My parents are a minute away and even though we are being super safe, we still get to see them from a distance. But the best of all is Harper. She's amazing. She's reading and it's the most exciting thing for her educator mom. She's one thousand and ten percent Brian. She's ridiculous. She says "Huzaah!" when she does something that isn't even that spectacular and it makes me laugh every time. She's decided she needs spa music to help her sleep. She advocates for herself when I don't let her share her point of view. She is generous with her friends and almost put her items back in Target when using her own gift card because I said a water bottle was pretty. She's fun, she's thankful, and she's super affirming!

I can't wait for Covid to pass and grief to pass and all the reconnecting that is going to happen. For now I will sit with this grief and think of it like my dad said "Grief is a way of remembering" and I sure as hell never want to forget.