Entry 89: A Diagnosis

 Harps is ready to share. She has been diagnosed with Crohn's disease. She will be starting a very specific diet to try to kick this shit into remission. Literal shit! This diet includes no sugar at all. AHHH! And no cheat days. There is no specific cause and nothing she did caused it. It is just what we have.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mourning the loss of her normal childhood. One with ice cream dates, cupcakes for birthdays at school, and not having to worry about anything but homework. Whoa is me! She already doesn't have her dad and now no sugar. Those are two of the best things. As always we are choosing a super positive approach. She and I have already brainstormed ideas like an edible arrangement for her birthday (her idea), trading in her trick or treat bag for money, and Target trips on those super hard day when she can't partake in things other kids are experiencing. If you have other fun ideas let us know! Luckily my life partner is basically a chef! 

Our care team is incredible and we got to meet them all. We also don't mind if you research but please don't share your findings with us. We've had experience navigating the medical roller coaster. I am so lucky to have such a positive, optimistic, and resilient little chick to do this with! The evening after her procedure she said, "Today was a good day!" May we all adopt Harper's attitude when life throws you curve balls!

Love to you all. No "aww poor Harpers" allowed. Positivity and fun ideas ahead! Also this momma promised to do the diet with her so here we come!

Entry 88: Note to Brian

We take a break from Notes to Joan to bring you a note to Brian…

Dear Brian,

Our kid is the one the teachers love. She may not keep track or her belongings and she may draw on every paper she has, but she’s always the one doing what’s expected and the one that is seriously offended when the whole class gets a punishment since she knows she was being good. She’s the one who made her teacher laugh this week when she said, “You know what sounds good? A hot tub and a strawberry daiquiri.” She’s not wrong. 

The bad news is that like you, our baby is now on the medical roller coaster. Nothing life threatening but still not fun. As you can imagine as a mom all I want to do is make it better, let her have a normal life, and fight everyone who isn’t making that happen fast enough. I want you to be in the waiting rooms with me flirting with every worker so they treats us the most special. Making everyone laugh and making is not feel so heavy. Making everyone be our best friends whether they intended to or not. I miss you and wish you were her to do this week us.

Love always! 

P.S. Harps is struggling with some GI issues. She’ll have a scope Tuesday in hopes of getting more answers. Also she knows I wrote this and was okay with sharing. Just asked that you don’t tell any kids her age. 

Entry 87: Small World

 The best thing happened today! While sitting at Lily's lacrosse game, I talked to the mom sitting next to me. She seemed cool. Later in the game, she said, "You are SO familiar." I had had that same thought last week. Going through the normal questions like where do you work? Do you work out? What school do your kids go to? And we still couldn't figure it out. A few minutes later she said I worked at Community Hospice for 10 years. I said I am going to cry and then I am going to hug you. This mom sitting next to me today happened to be the most important person to me the 11 days Brian was at Hospice. She was the manager at that time. She was the one I cried to night one. The once I cussed to when feeling so overwhelmed. The one who made me feel normal when everything seemed so chaotic. The one who gave use the bonus "frat room" when we had so many visitors. The one my mom wrote a long letter to after everything happened. When you are in the chaos of all that occurs in Hospice, it is amazing to have someone there who knows the Hospice side of things. You abruptly leave when your time at Hospice is over. And although we did go back because Harper was asking questions, you don't get to tell the people how much they truly meant to you. Well, today I did. I got to look at this person in the face and tell her the impact she had on me all while we were trying to figure out the rules of lacrosse. I got to introduce her to Josh and Harper got to hear about her too. I love this small town and small world we live in. I am so thankful she said something out loud and that now I get to hang out with her on Sundays. My heart loves this so much!

Entry 86: Five Years

 What! How? It’s insane to think so much time and life has passed without Brian physically in it.

Grief looks different as the years go on. Memories of Brian and funny stories to tell about him still pop up very daily. The tears are more random and further apart but the missing is no less intense. My Timehop for the month of January is brutal and the picture from Hospice remind me of all the love but also show how cancer devastated Brian’s body.

It’s amazing to be loved by someone now who supports my grief and gets it.  When I randomly cry and Josh just hugs me and lets me feel my emotions. He gives comfort, listens to memories, and accepts it all. I wonder how I could so lucky to have both him and Brian. I am so loved. 

This morning, on the day I became a momma and the day I lost my love, I got to wake up in Colorado with our besties, the ones we inherited from Brian. We got here Thursday and I have almost peed my pants from laughter multiple times every day since. As Harper says, “I’m so happy to spend my birthday with our original family.” We get to talk about all our random memories from silly fights where I stormed out with a baby bag to ridiculous things Brian would do and say. They know him even better than me. They see Brian in Harper and love her so much.

I took a screenshot of every post that people posted after Brian died, and last night I read them through tears remembering just how many lives he touched. And as my life continues forward from that day in 2017, I realize I spend less time with the people who continue to mean so much to me. Who literally walked along side us every hard step of cancer. I love them so much and their continued support for us got us through.  I’m still so insanely thankful for them all. It would be easy to be sad today I am so so so thankful that I had Brian. And because of Brian my life is so blessed. And because of our love, I get to celebrate our baby turning eight! He would love everything about her. The fact that she has a favorite bad word, the fact that she nailed people with snowballs unexpectedly this weekend and laughed like a crazo about it, the fact that she gets awarded academic excellence for facing challenges well, that fact that she makes crazy faces and says the most ridiculous things, the fact that she’s very much a people person and loves so easily, and the fact that my new man loves her so well. 

So instead of being super sad all day, we are going to spend this day making more memories, having ridiculous fun, celebrating our eight year old, and hugging the people we love. 

Entry 85: Birthday Blues

 As you can tell, there has considerably more time between blogs. Personal life has been full of happiness and puppy training. In June Josh, Hayden and Lily moved in, in July we took an amazing family vacay to National Parks, mid July we brought home Lenny, the smartest puppy ever and things have been happy. 

BUT holy smokes Brian's birthday hit me SUPER hard this year. Although I think about Brian ALL.THE.TIME. and everything makes me think of a memory of him and I share those memories with whoever is around, grief doesn't take over very often anymore. I love Josh and the life we have. He is amazing. He cooks all my food, like all of it, like on Sunday asks me what I want for the week for lunches, goes to grocery store, buys it, cooks it, that AMAZING! I am spoiled and well loved. So maybe grief is still there daily, but the emotions stay in check because there is so much happy. Who knows!

However, what I do know is that life has been tough lately. Running a school during a pandemic comes with its challenges. Today there was so much physical anxiety on top of the normal stuff. It's so crazy how the body carries emotions without the conscious thought happening first. So in amazing Josh form he asks me: "What do you need? Pizza? Wine? A puppet show? I can make all of those happen. Just say the word". Harps and I arrive home from work/school to our own bouquet of flowers. If that wasn't all, when Harper mentions that she just wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, that Dot turns off the burners, puts the meal in the fridge for tomorrow and off we go! Chuck E. Cheese during a pandemic, I mean.....EEK! But we masked up and had fun. Chuck E. is the last place we celebrated Brian's birthday, his last birthday and Harper has her own memories of it, making it that much more special to her. So after an hour of play, pizza (that was not as good as I remembered), and 2000 tickets that resulted in what she needed most, another stuffed animal, I did what every normal grieving person does and scrolled through Brian's Instagram on the ride home. 10 out of 10 recommend if you need a good cry

and need to remember just how much he loved you and his baby. Looking at his account, I just remember all the joy in the very little things. There are pictures that I don't even remember, but attached are his words and his ridiculousness that mean so much. It was the joy in the mundane. Thousands of pictures just on our big brown couch. Pictures of a random Tuesday, not a posed smile, half the time not even in pants, but ALL of them full of love. Sprinkled throughout are just a few that made me smile.

I love you all. Don't feel bad for me. Life is great and missing Brian makes me so happy to know how much he was loved and how much he means, everyday, all the time, especially on his birthday. When talking with some friends today, Zak shared that every year on Brian's birthday he takes time to share about Brian with his students. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!!?? What a great way to end a hard day. He said, "I love knowing there are more people in this world that know he existed. An that he impacted so many of us." I love that Josh totally embraces all of me and all of this and is one of those people who knows Brian existed and supports all parts of me. Life is crazy. Love your people. Tell them. Always. 

Entry 84: Party of Five

I realized I haven’t written since January and it made me reflect on the reason. A lot of times I write to help process my emotions. And even though grief is still very real and present, life has been going well. More than well, life has been super amazing. So.Many.Good.Things! One good thing was that the valedictorian at FSDB this year thanked me in his speech at graduation. When my heart is missing the classroom and the connection you have with students that is different from what you have when you're the principal, it just made me cry with pride and happiness. How can I teach and do my job at the same time?

That's a thing right?

  Another good thing is that I love having things to look forward to and now that we can, Mom and I booked our Siesta Key trip, a vacation with Josh and all our kids to hike Zion, Bryce and Grand Canyon is on the horizon, family visited and my brother and Meaghan come on Saturday, Hayden graduated, I got to spend time with one of my original babies, Livi, but best of all, as of last Sunday, Josh, Hayden, Lily plus a cat and a hamster all moved in! We are officially a party of five living under one roof and my heart could not be happier. I love having a together life! I love waking up in the morning knowing they are all there. And I really love having a partner to do life with.

I feel happy in my heart knowing Brian would totally approve of Josh. He would love how happy he makes me. And he would really love how he constantly jokes and messes with Harper. He would laugh at how Bella tries super hard to not make eye contact with the cat so that she doesn’t get hissed at or can pretend it’s not there. We still miss him everyday. Harps finished first grade. In her end of the year book she said the best thing she learned this year “was to be kind”. Seriously?!? Her teacher has been amazing dealing with her sensitive heart and helping her work through loving Brian but also loving Dot. She was exactly who Harper (and I) needed and I could not be more thankful for the life skills, reading skills, and extra attention and hugs she gave to Harper this year. Be on the lookout for all the vacation pics and big smiling faces because we really are THAT happy. And for that I am super duper thankful. All the love ❤️⚡️❤️

Entry 83: Four Years

It is insane to me to think that it has been four whole years since we all were around Brian as he left this world. It is insane to me that four years of life have continued on. It is insane to me all the changes that those four years have brought. It is insane to me that he is not here to

experience them all with us. It's insane to me how Harper is SO MUCH LIKE HIM! It's insane to me that I was so worried that my just turned three year old wouldn't have her own memories of her dad and how insanely wrong I was. It is insane to me to feel like it just happened but it's also felt like FOREVER since I have seen him. It's insane to me that after 3 years of cancer and 4 years without him, people continue to show up, show love, and always at the times it is really needed. It's insane to me how the little details slip away the further it gets from the him being alive.

I am always thankful for his love. I challenged my staff to do something ridiculous today for the sole purpose of making someone laugh. I challenged them to maybe even send a dead cockroach in a folded up piece of paper. When thinking about Brian and all that made him him, it is these types of little things that all add up. The fact that he flirted with anyone and everyone. The way he taught me to talk to anyone and ask

truly how they are. The way he knew way too many facts about football or music, but could NOT remember to tell me he was going out of town for work. The way he cherished his friends and kept them for so long. The way he ALWAYS had random prizes for no reason at all. The way he would cry laugh at his own jokes or something so inappropriate that he couldn't stop laughing. The way he was so proud of his baby and showed it in every way possible. The way that nothing was too ridiculous for him. Want to drive to Disney on a Friday night just to eat in Japan and drive

back again? Sure! Why not? Let's go! The way he had the most insane ideas like a gorilla mask at an engagement photoshoot but the ideas were hilarious. The way he was always always thinking of something witty. The way he gave time and taught me the important of quality time. The way he clung to hope through it all. The way he brought our community of people together so that even on this random COVID day 4 years after he died,

Harper and I are NEVER ever alone even if we can't have a lightning squad party. The community so amazing that we woke up to a 14 minute video of all the friends sending love, support and happy birthdays. So today I leave you with RANDOM Brian. RIDICULOUS Brian. I challenge you to do something today, just for the sake of laughter. My hope is that as we continue to live life post Brian, we will take notice of all the little things that made him so special and see them in the common things of life. Excited to celebrate our baby today even though I don't accept 7 years old!